Do I tell my partber about my theme of ocd

[mummyoftwogirls]

My partner of 16 months knows I have ocd . When we got together I thought I had recovered as i worked hard on it and hadn't had it for over 2 years . I told him at the beginning I had recovered and 3 months into the relationship my ocd returned which I told him. He has no idea that my ocd is about him ( it's not a nice one at all) I havent told him because of 2 reasons 1 telling him I think would be a compulsion and a gateway for reassurance and 2 if he knew the theme he would almost certainly leave me because how horrifically it centres on himself. And would most certainly hurt his feelings.

My question is a hard one because I feel I am not being 100 percent honest in our relationship by keeping this from him . I feel like I'm holding back vulnerability and also not giving the chance of seeing the real me and actually knowing what he is getting himself into. He doesnt know I struggle with ocd everyday he thinks I have a very handle on it.

 

 

What is the right thing to do ? 

[IsabelJ]

Hiya, 

Just want to say I am in a really similar situation. My OCD happened a couple of years ago for the first time, I went to CBT and got control of it but now it has come back and I have thoughts of falling out of love / is this right/ why do I feel numb to love, all centered around my partner of 6 years which is really distressing. 

I am trying hard to focus on the fact that it must be my OCD, so recently I called my local mental health services and I am now back on the list for CBT. I don't know much about your situation but I think personally it's better to speak to someone qualified before chatting to partners about it, as it may come out wrong and like you say I would hate to hurt feelings. 

If it helps I listen to 'The OCD Stories' podcast while I'm cleaning with my earphones and it has an episode on ROCD which is helpful to listen to. 

Hope that helps. 

[dksea]

11 hours ago, mummyoftwogirls said:

My question is a hard one because I feel I am not being 100 percent honest in our relationship by keeping this from him

Much like OCD demands a false goal of 100% certainty, the idea of 100% "honesty" is  an impossible, and IMO, in many ways unfair goal in a relationship.

Is honesty and trust necessary for a good, healthy relationship?  Absolutely.  But that doesn't mean you have to share absolutely EVERYTHING no matter what.  That kind of inflexible thinking is easy as a motto, but in practice it seldom, if ever, works.  Despite what the childhood lessons tell us, honesty is NOT always the best policy.  For example, imagine your partner decides to start painting as a hobby.  They complete a piece and are very proud of it.  They ask you what you think of it.  Its not bad, but obviously there is room for improvement.  You COULD be "100% honest" and give a detailed critique of all the mistakes you see, all the little flaws, how you prefer a different kind of art, etc.  But is that helping you OR your partner in any meaningful way?  I doubt it.  You can also honestly share some positive thoughts with your partner.  You don't have to lie to them and say its the next Picasso or Van Gough, but you can tell them they are improving a lot, that you like the colors, etc.  Which is better and more caring? Brutal absolute honesty that requires no consideration of the other person or the situation?  Or thoughtful, meaningful honesty that considers the feelings of both yourself AND your partner.  Again I am not advocating lying or dishonesty to them, but taking the time and effort to understand what is worth saying and what is worth NOT saying to show them care.

Your intrusive thoughts are painful for you, that's clear.  And in this case they are about your partner, but remember, the problem with OCD is not the specific details of the thoughts.  The thoughts could be about ANYTHING and they would be painful.  Very often they are about things that are important to us, its true, but it still doesn't mean that the details are actually the problem.  Anyone can have a stray, unwanted, unpleasant thought about someone they love, and pretty much all people do.  Its just part of life, its part of how brains work, brains have thoughts about LOTS of things.  The problem is not that you had this stray thought, the problem is it got "stuck" because of OCD.  If you didn't have OCD you could have (and possibly would have) had the same thought, except you would have barely noticed it and/or moved on from it long ago.  The details of the thought are painful, yes, but they aren't the actual problem.  The actual problem is that the thought is stuck and so you are reacting to it disproportionate to the reality of the problem.  Its what all OCD sufferers do until we learn to better manage our intrusive thoughts.

Whether or not you share the details of your thoughts is a very personal decision, only you can decide if its necessary.  But you should consider whether doing so would be helpful to either you or your partner OR if you are doing it as part of a compulsion.  Remember, OCD demands absolutes, but real life seldom does.