lily17 Posted September 24, 2020 Share Posted September 24, 2020 (edited) Hello everyone, I hope you're all doing alright. Me? I wish it was better... I'm currently struggling with infidelity fears because I'm getting to know a guy, and I really like him, it's reciprocate but he doesn't want a serious relationship right now. So, the other day I couldn't refrain myself from asking him if it was okay if I looked flirtatiously at other men on the street and he told me (nicely): "you could even get married and I'd be happy for you." Of course this soothed me for a while, that's what compulsions do, but I'm back on track with this obsession. I don't even have a boyfriend and I'm already worrying about flirting with other people at school because I "like" to anticipate events. I'm trying not to perform compulsions like imagining a scene in my head and deciding if it's right or wrong for me to do that hypothetically... I'm almost in tears because this theme hurts me a lot, almost like the pedophilia one, or even worse. I know what way to take but today is bad, stressful... I'm tired, I wish I woke up tomorrow with no OCD at all. Edited September 24, 2020 by lily17 Link to comment
OxCD Posted September 24, 2020 Share Posted September 24, 2020 I don’t fully understand. You’re worried about flirting with other people in case you get with this guy? Link to comment
dksea Posted September 25, 2020 Share Posted September 25, 2020 10 hours ago, lily17 said: I'm currently struggling with infidelity fears Remember, at the heart of all OCD is the lack of feeling certain, the lack of feeling "ok, I can move on" from that thought. You want to feel certain that you aren't a pedophile. You want to feel certain that you aren't a cheater. Its understandable you want to feel that way, we all do. One of the struggles with OCD is learning to separate the fact that we feel doubt from the idea that the doubt means we are the thing we fear. Right now you have an almost instinctive reaction to thoughts related to, as you put it, infidelity. When you have these thoughts you feel doubt, and you are almost certainly interpreting that doubt, perhaps without even thinking about it much, along the lines of "why would I have those thoughts if part of me didn't want to do it?" You might not phrase it in that exact way, but the general vibe is probably there. An important part of overcoming OCD is recognizing these kind of faulty thought patterns and actively working to correct them. Its hard, especially at first, because they happen seemingly automatically, but you can stop them. When you notice that you are falling in to this kind of thought pattern you have to correct yourself. For example, reminding yourself that having a thought doesn't mean you want the thing the thought is about it. Reminding yourself that you have OCD and that means you will feel uncomfortable about thoughts but it doesn't mean you have to "fight" them. Reminding yourself that you can't be 100% certain about anything and its ok to not try to be. Etc. I have a feeling you are probably fighting REALLY hard to stop having "these thoughts". Thats a losing battle. Overcoming OCD doesn't mean never having unpleasant or unwanted thoughts, it means treating them as unimportant when they happen, because they are unimportant. I don't mean that infidelity or pedophilia are unimportant. And I don't mean that you have to LIKE those things. I mean that you recognize that having these intrusive thoughts isn't ACTUALLY meaningful, it doesn't mean you WANT these things and you don't have to give those thoughts the time of day. The more you treat the thoughts as unimportant, the more you react to the thought as "ok yeah, whatever, that thought isn't important" or "ok, thanks OCD, anyway back to what I was doing", the easier it will get. If you have not read it yet I highly recommend the book "Brain Lock". It does a much better job than me about explaining this stuff, and the 4 Steps method is a very useful CBT tool for helping you break the habit of responding to these thoughts. It also does a great job of demystifying a lot of things about OCD. I know you are suffering and it sucks. I am there with you in wishing I could just wake up tomorrow and be 100% free from OCD for the rest of my life. But until that miracle occurs for one/all of us, we need to take the steps we can to deal with OCD and get back control of our lives. I know its hard and scary but you can do it too. Hang in there. Link to comment
lily17 Posted September 25, 2020 Author Share Posted September 25, 2020 5 hours ago, OxCD said: I don’t fully understand. You’re worried about flirting with other people in case you get with this guy? Exactly. Link to comment
lily17 Posted September 25, 2020 Author Share Posted September 25, 2020 10 minutes ago, dksea said: Remember, at the heart of all OCD is the lack of feeling certain, the lack of feeling "ok, I can move on" from that thought. You want to feel certain that you aren't a pedophile. You want to feel certain that you aren't a cheater. Its understandable you want to feel that way, we all do. One of the struggles with OCD is learning to separate the fact that we feel doubt from the idea that the doubt means we are the thing we fear. Right now you have an almost instinctive reaction to thoughts related to, as you put it, infidelity. When you have these thoughts you feel doubt, and you are almost certainly interpreting that doubt, perhaps without even thinking about it much, along the lines of "why would I have those thoughts if part of me didn't want to do it?" You might not phrase it in that exact way, but the general vibe is probably there. An important part of overcoming OCD is recognizing these kind of faulty thought patterns and actively working to correct them. Its hard, especially at first, because they happen seemingly automatically, but you can stop them. When you notice that you are falling in to this kind of thought pattern you have to correct yourself. For example, reminding yourself that having a thought doesn't mean you want the thing the thought is about it. Reminding yourself that you have OCD and that means you will feel uncomfortable about thoughts but it doesn't mean you have to "fight" them. Reminding yourself that you can't be 100% certain about anything and its ok to not try to be. Etc. I have a feeling you are probably fighting REALLY hard to stop having "these thoughts". Thats a losing battle. Overcoming OCD doesn't mean never having unpleasant or unwanted thoughts, it means treating them as unimportant when they happen, because they are unimportant. I don't mean that infidelity or pedophilia are unimportant. And I don't mean that you have to LIKE those things. I mean that you recognize that having these intrusive thoughts isn't ACTUALLY meaningful, it doesn't mean you WANT these things and you don't have to give those thoughts the time of day. The more you treat the thoughts as unimportant, the more you react to the thought as "ok yeah, whatever, that thought isn't important" or "ok, thanks OCD, anyway back to what I was doing", the easier it will get. If you have not read it yet I highly recommend the book "Brain Lock". It does a much better job than me about explaining this stuff, and the 4 Steps method is a very useful CBT tool for helping you break the habit of responding to these thoughts. It also does a great job of demystifying a lot of things about OCD. I know you are suffering and it sucks. I am there with you in wishing I could just wake up tomorrow and be 100% free from OCD for the rest of my life. But until that miracle occurs for one/all of us, we need to take the steps we can to deal with OCD and get back control of our lives. I know its hard and scary but you can do it too. Hang in there. Wow, first of all, thank you for taking the time to write all of this out! Very appreciated, I needed to be reminded what intrusive thoughts really are, it really seemed I forgot how to deal with them since my coping mechanism is mostly not ruminating/engaging into some other activity etc I almost forgot I have to treat them like trash (or worse) so yeah thanks a lot and best wishes for you too Link to comment
Caramoole Posted September 25, 2020 Share Posted September 25, 2020 Hi Lily I'm sorry to see you're struggling BUT..........Well Done because you've identified your problem, what's going on here and the things that make it worse. That's a big step forward for you so don't underestimate yourself Now try to put into practise those things that you need to do and not do. Identify the compulsions & neutralising behaviours you're pulled towards and see if you can work at resisting/reducing them. You're doing better than you give yourself credit for.....keep on down that path Link to comment
OxCD Posted September 25, 2020 Share Posted September 25, 2020 Agree with all the OCD stuff that’s been said already. I’d also add more specifically that it is ok to flirt with people - it isn’t cheating or infidelity, not that you’re with the other guy anyway. And as a guy, I’d say be careful of that one - sounds like a player (unless you’re happy with that). Link to comment
dksea Posted September 26, 2020 Share Posted September 26, 2020 On 25/09/2020 at 09:33, lily17 said: Very appreciated, I needed to be reminded what intrusive thoughts really are, it really seemed I forgot how to deal with them since my coping mechanism is mostly not ruminating/engaging into some other activity etc I almost forgot I have to treat them like trash (or worse) so yeah thanks a lot and best wishes for you too No problem, we all need reminders from time to time, and when we are struggling sometimes its easy to forget what we know when we are more clear headed. Hope this has helped you get back on the right track! Link to comment
lily17 Posted September 26, 2020 Author Share Posted September 26, 2020 On 25/09/2020 at 02:43, Caramoole said: Hi Lily I'm sorry to see you're struggling BUT..........Well Done because you've identified your problem, what's going on here and the things that make it worse. That's a big step forward for you so don't underestimate yourself Now try to put into practise those things that you need to do and not do. Identify the compulsions & neutralising behaviours you're pulled towards and see if you can work at resisting/reducing them. You're doing better than you give yourself credit for.....keep on down that path Thanks Caramoole, I'll keep this in mind Link to comment
lily17 Posted September 26, 2020 Author Share Posted September 26, 2020 On 25/09/2020 at 21:37, OxCD said: Agree with all the OCD stuff that’s been said already. I’d also add more specifically that it is ok to flirt with people - it isn’t cheating or infidelity, not that you’re with the other guy anyway. And as a guy, I’d say be careful of that one - sounds like a player (unless you’re happy with that). Well, that is under your judgement, I'll say it is an infidelity to me and more people but anyway, I'm not even dating anyone. And as for the guy himself, I really like him and he likes me too but he stated from the beginning that he didn't want anything serious so we're just going with the flow Link to comment
OxCD Posted September 26, 2020 Share Posted September 26, 2020 (edited) 11 minutes ago, lily17 said: Well, that is under your judgement, I'll say it is an infidelity to me and more people but anyway, I'm not even dating anyone. And as for the guy himself, I really like him and he likes me too but he stated from the beginning that he didn't want anything serious so we're just going with the flow I can see from your stubbornness your OCD has a hold of you. Open your mind to the possibility you may be wrong rather than cling onto arbitrary preconceived notions of what is “proper”. You really think you have the experience to know what most people would think? I was like you 25 years ago. I’d recommend you learn from other’s mistakes or you will waste a lot of time and repeat them. Don’t be gullible. As a guy in his late thirties I am more than aware of what boys are like.... Not wanting anything serious means he wants fun with no commitment. As long as you’re happy with that - fine. But go into it open minded. I imagine you’ll laugh off what I say, and then in 20 years say what I said to your kids. I did try. Edited September 26, 2020 by OxCD Link to comment
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