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Incident still haunts me


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About 3 years ago I was out with people from my old work. I got drunk as usual. And got into an argument with a couple women in a bar. Nothing happened I thought, moved on the next day. 

I went away for a week after that night out and arrived back at work.

I received a few jokes about me being a 'rapist' to my face. I didn't know what that meant but I was puzzled, quite concerned by it so I spoke to a guy who I could trust about why I'm being called that.

Apparently when I was out, a woman rejected my advances so I tried to hit her. Which was the gossip work were saying behind my back. 

I was shocked by this. I remember arguing with a woman but there were no recollections of me trying to hit someone, nevermind a woman.

There were no bruises on my fists or anything to suggest I hit someone.

So I went to the bar and asked were there any criminal incidents reported that night I was there. Nothing.

People at work were fine, it might've been just 'banter' to them (they might've fabricated the incident to wind me up) but those remarks have haunted me to this day and will probably do for the rest of my life.

On top of my crippling HOCD and that incident, my life is basically a void of nothingless. I don't feel anything anymore and haven't for the past 3 years. I probably don't deserve to live really and if you agree with that line of thought then I won't blame you.

I even went to a Catholic Priest and confessed, lol. Sad but I wanted to rid myself of any guilt and pain.

But yeah, thanks for reading. 

Think the best thing would be for me to do a penance of some sort. No idea how I can move on from here tbh.

 

 

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I guarantee you do, though they may be covert.

Do you go over that night in your mind, trying to remember more?

Do you get involved in head debates where you try to figure out what the truth is?

Do you talk to those who were there to find out more information?

All of the above are compulsions. And then there's rumination and any variations.

Edited by PolarBear
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On 25/09/2020 at 19:39, robbiec87 said:

Think the best thing would be for me to do a penance of some sort. No idea how I can move on from here tbh.

Hi Robbie,

Are you by any chance a sensitive kind of guy, & fallen victim to a bunch of dangerous idiots who can see a vulnerability, and know which buttons to press?

  

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6 hours ago, felix4 said:

Hi Robbie,

Are you by any chance a sensitive kind of guy, & fallen victim to a bunch of dangerous idiots who can see a vulnerability, and know which buttons to press?

  

No idea tbh, it might've sounded like a joke to them (I don't work with them anymore) I actually seen one of the lads on a random encounter the other week and he was fine with me.

I can get sensitive yeah but wouldn't anyone if people said that about you? Joking or not.

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14 minutes ago, robbiec87 said:

I can get sensitive yeah but wouldn't anyone if people said that about you? Joking or not.

Personally, yes if said in a gossipy or malicious way, but if done in a joking way, then probably not.

The thing is, it sounds like you are beating yourself up over something that didn't happen, whereas many others in the same situation probably would not give this a second thought. You could probably find others to that had actually done something wrong & not convicted for some technicality, & wouldn't give it a second thought either.  

I just think guilt over things that have not happened is just another symptom of OCD in some.

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34 minutes ago, felix4 said:

Personally, yes if said in a gossipy or malicious way, but if done in a joking way, then probably not.

The thing is, it sounds like you are beating yourself up over something that didn't happen, whereas many others in the same situation probably would not give this a second thought. You could probably find others to that had actually done something wrong & not convicted for some technicality, & wouldn't give it a second thought either.  

I just think guilt over things that have not happened is just another symptom of OCD in some.

Well I hope you're right as the last 3 years have particularly numbed me to the point where I don't feel human sometimes.

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3 hours ago, robbiec87 said:

Well I hope you're right as the last 3 years have particularly numbed me to the point where I don't feel human sometimes.

Nah. Wouldn’t have bothered me either. My OCD has mostly been contamination related.... so I should be relatively “normal” judging this topic. I think you’re making something out of nothing.

I’m particularly interested in your “wouldn’t anyone” comment. Suggests to me you might not be the best judge on this subject....

Edited by OxCD
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  • 7 months later...

I still struggle with this. 

I did actually talk to someone about it in March, it made me feel a bit more human but I soon went back to feeling bad. 

I don't feel any joy or anything anymore. When I try to be my old self I get jolts in my head, as if something is telling me that I deserve this pain. 

It's a hard slog tbh. I see no way out. 

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I am pretty sure it was just a bad joke..people often exaggerate things when someone else is drunk and cannot remember. If they really thought you had acted aggressively and tried to hit her they would have not acted normally to you. I know this is reassurance but it's also the most logical explanation

 When we are drunk we often do things we usually wouldn't but we do not become violent rapists or abusers unless you have the habit of that kind of behaviour normally and those who do act in this way would not beat themselves up for three years after. Let it go..stop ruminating..you cannot remember exactly so accept that and move on with the rest of your life

Edited by MarieJo
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12 hours ago, robbiec87 said:

but I soon went back to feeling bad. 

If you're feeling bad it's because you're reacting to a thought. If there was no thought there'd be no reaction that could influence mood....so clearly, the thought and pondering is there

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  • 5 months later...

So I still feel bad about this. 

I've tried everything, I've got a new job, I keep active etc but still I just don't feel 'normal' anymore and haven't for years now because of this. 

I don't think I will ever experience joy again really, I don't have any feelings anymore. I'm just on autopilot, I have no idea how this will be fixed.

I think I deserve it too. 

 

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I guarantee, 100%, that the reason you are having such a difficult time for so long over something so minor is that you continually do compulsions.

I know you've said you don't think you do them but that's not true. You simply don't recognize thst what you are doing is causing your grief.

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