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As some will know I have felt extreme guilt before over fantasising about others other than my partner then confessing and causing her pain. 

I have had many themes, pocd, rocd or be it its all ocd. 

So I got with my partner 15 years ago and she had a young niece,my partner knows all about my ocd.

My niece moved away but we met and she is now a women, she has grown up to be very good looking. 

I feel incredibly guilty because I did imagine sexual stuff, it wasn't intrusive and I didn't think much about it again but now I am extremely disgusted, I feel like I'm evil as I knew her when she was younger, trying not to ruminate but really feel disgusted with my self,I know some may think same old and others may think I'm disgusting, don't want to lose my wife with conffesion

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Really think I have something wrong with me,when the ocd leaves me for a bit I find my self fantasising about other people, not something I want in reality but it's not good, then ocd hits and I feel incredibly guilty but I keep repeating the cycle and I don't know why, I should just keep my brain clear from imagination like that,although my partners niece is not blood it still creepy to think things like that, I've been with my partner so long I'm probably classed as her uncle, I know I sound like a terrible human being but I'm a caring nice person yet I let my mind carry me away to be unfaithful mentally and for some reason towards more taboo like my partners friends or in this case her adult niece,just don't get myself, the self disgust is a hard thing to live with

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Can I be brutally honest? What a load of rubbish. So what if you have a pretty niece. So what that she used to be young. You know every woman you’ve ever slept with used to be a baby right?! You’re way over thinking this. Move on.

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Thanks,it's not that I noticed her being pretty though, I fantasised sexual acts, just feel I let my ming go to far and I shouldnt fantasise about other people other than my partner and especially people in a close circle because then it feels more like betrayal 

Edited by battlethrough
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41 minutes ago, battlethrough said:

Thanks,it's not that I noticed her being pretty though, I fantasised sexual acts, just feel I let my ming go to far and I shouldnt fantasise about other people other than my partner and especially people in a close circle because then it feels more like betrayal 

Doesn’t sound like betrayal. That’s just normal. Maybe you have excessive ideas about what constitutes betrayal?

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I've had such amazing support on here over the years from many people yet I fall back in the cycle and people I think have had enough, I know it's the same process every time, I frustrate my self with it. 

Then when the clouds lift I feel I'm over it and the twist and turns of obsessions go away,and I am guilty of having sexual fantasies but they seem OK because I love my partner and can separate it,busy family life and my head can drift, I would have no guilt if I didn't overstep the mark and imagine stuff with women we know, be it her friends or family, if it was a stranger I think it would be different.

Then vultures come in and I can't get out my brain gets locked in and I get intrusive images of the fantasies I had and the guilt becomes crippling,when I'm feeling a bit better I'm thinking is this a sign that I shouldn't fantasise at all. 

Same old same old, feeling the need to confess, feeling like a fraud because she doesn't know the true me. 

It's a grey area I'm sure half people would think it's creepy and half may think it's know big deal but if it's ocd it seems to cling on to grey areas. 

Apologies to polar bear, gingerbread girl and many others who feel they have wasted their time with advice, I honestly try to apply it but when I'm locked in I go so deep down with crippling guilt I lose all idea of everything 

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Yeah, but the half who would get guilty about it would probably say that as part of their OCD. Not sure we should hold our particular individual worries up as what constitutes “normal” or “reasonable”.

Whilst I have many OCD worries - this isn’t one of them, so I feel comfortable saying you’re overthinking this. I don’t think it’s as grey as you think.... Definitely move on. ?

Edited by OxCD
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Thanks for your support mate,can't help but feel the guilt is justified because whenever I have a taboo fantasy the guilt is immense,could it be life's way of telling me its wrong thinking,I got so ill before  because I had thoughts about my partners sister, I stupidly confessed, she wasn't mad I did, she was mad I told her, selfish for telling her.

And now I've entertained thoughts about another close member. 

Just feel I should shut these thoughts down and not fantasise and entertain them, it's almost as if I see a good looking women it just happens and I take it to a sexual story in my head, why can't I just appreciate a women and leave it there.

I just have a voice saying, ugh your niece your a disgusting pervert. 

I would never in reality want to destroy my family. I love my partner but yet again I let my thoughts get carried away and boom back in the dungeon 

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1 hour ago, battlethrough said:

Thanks for your support mate,can't help but feel the guilt is justified because whenever I have a taboo fantasy the guilt is immense,could it be life's way of telling me its wrong thinking,I got so ill before  because I had thoughts about my partners sister, I stupidly confessed, she wasn't mad I did, she was mad I told her, selfish for telling her.

And now I've entertained thoughts about another close member. 

Just feel I should shut these thoughts down and not fantasise and entertain them, it's almost as if I see a good looking women it just happens and I take it to a sexual story in my head, why can't I just appreciate a women and leave it there.

I just have a voice saying, ugh your niece your a disgusting pervert. 

I would never in reality want to destroy my family. I love my partner but yet again I let my thoughts get carried away and boom back in the dungeon 

You have OCD. Your perspective on the issue isn’t correct at the moment.

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9 hours ago, battlethrough said:

can't help but feel the guilt is justified because whenever I have a taboo fantasy the guilt is immense,could it be life's way of telling me its wrong thinking

How about it could be lifes way of telling you you have OCD?  Feeling guilty does NOT mean you are guilty.  Innocent people can feel guilty.  Guilty people can feel like they are completely justified in their actions.  How you feel is not the defining factor of what is reality. 

Further, feeling guilty and even being guilty of something doesn't mean you are an irredeemable monster or have committed some unforgivable sin. There is an aspect of very black and white thinking in your evaluation of all of this, a very common and unfortunate trait of OCD sufferers.

Part of overcoming OCD is changing how we react to intrusive thoughts.  The most obvious way of doing that is reducing compulsions, but also important is to change how we THINK about those thoughts.  When you treat an intrusive thought as absolutely unacceptable, proof of guilt, etc. you give it power, you reinforce within your mind that this kind of thought is SUPER important and you MUST react to it.  This makes the OCD worse.

First, you need to accept that you are going to have unwanted thoughts, thoughts that might make you feel uncomfortable.  This happens to virtually everyone, whether or not they have OCD.  You are not the first person who has experienced a sexual thought about a family member, you won't be the last.  You are not the first person who has fantasized about someone who isn't their partner, and you won't be the last.  These are normal, human thoughts.  They happen, they are not a big deal, and the more you treat them as a big deal the worse they will feel.  How you respond to those thoughts are what determines if its a problem or not.  If you started having a romantic relationship with your niece for example, that would probably be a bad idea given your circumstances and your stated desires to remain faithful to your partner.  

If you want to get past this you need to treat these thoughts as unimportant.  When the thought or image or idea of your niece being attractive jumps in to your head, accept that you had the thought, and move on.  You don't have to do anything more than that.  You don't need to have a strong negative reaction to PROVE you aren't a monster.  Not caring about the thought is fine too.   Imagine the following hypothetical (and a bit exaggerated for comedic effect) interaction:

Intrusive thought:  Hey, niece is pretty attractive
battlethrough:  Yes, I guess she is.  Ok on with my day
OCD: Wait, you can't think that! It means you are a pedophile/incestuous monster!
battlethrough:  Chill bro, its just a thought.  No big deal.
OCD: ITS A SUPER BIG DEAL I DEMAND YOU DEAL WITH THIS NOW TO PROVE YOURSELF
battlethrough: Thanks for the opinion, but I'm gonna treat it as no big deal.  Ok on with my day
OCD: GRRRRRR
battlethrough: *does something else for awhile*
OCD: grrrrr
battlethrough: *keeps doing something else*
OCD: ...gr....

The distress and anxiety will fade away, the thought will not seem as big a deal if you keep treating it as not a big deal.

Many OCD sufferers think that the steps have to go like this:

1. Have the bad thought
2. Worry
3. Prove I'm not a monster
4. Feel relief
5. Stop having bad thoughts

Thats not how it works.

Instead, here is how it works:

1. Have the bad thought
2. Worry
3. Act as if the bad thought isn't important
4. Worry a little less
5. Keep acting as if the bad thought isn't important
6. Worry a lot less
7. Feel some relief
8. Have the bad thoughts less often
9. Keep treating the bad thoughts as unimportant
10. Have the bad thoughts very infrequently
11. Think its no big deal and get on with your life

If your goal is to never have the bad thought or something like it again, you will fail.
If your goal is to "be certain" and then stop worrying, you will fail.

You MUST accept that having these thoughts is NOT a huge catastrophe and doesn't mean you are a monster first.
You MUST accept that you will sometimes have unwanted thoughts in your life.

We all have unwanted thoughts.  OCD sufferers get stuck with them, and it sucks.  We want to be able to shut them off, to make the anxiety just go away.  I get that, really.  But you have to make a choice.  You have too choose the path that will work for recovery, even though its not as quick as you would like.  

Think of it like this, you are in a cave, the cave is hot and unpleasant.  You want to get out of the cave.  There are two tunnels in front of you, one labeled CBT, the other labeled OCD.  The tunnel labeled CBT is kinda long, and not easy, but it does get you out of the cave eventually.  The other tunnel labeled OCD looks like its much shorter than the CBT tunnel, but when you go down it a little ways you see a door.  The door will open for you IF you can count all the numbers greater than zero.  Trouble is thats an impossible task, there is an endless number of numbers greater than zero.  You can spend the rest of your life counting and you'll be no closer to escape, you'll still be stuck in the tunnel.  It sucks there isn't a third option yet, a quick and effective cure, but it is what it is.  So your choice is to keep playing OCD's game, keep counting for the rest of your life trying to get all the numbers OR to take the harder but finite path.  Its no vacation, but its better than banging your head against the OCD door for eternity.

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Thanks for your insight and time,

I am 41 and have struggled all my life,have been on every anti depression drug know,many councilors and physiatrist.have times of happiness but always the same process. 

Feel good, have a sexual fantasy, feel crippling guilt, need to confess. 

I really want to take the cbt tunnel and when I'm OK I get it so clearly but when the brain locks all logic crumbles

 

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Hi BT. Long time no see. Nothing new here dude- same old same old. I think the reason this keeps coming back is that you're not nipping it in the bud properly in the first place. I can't reassure you- even when it feels like the easiest thing to do at the minute.

You have OCD. This is all related to your OCD. Confessing would be giving in to your OCD- you would confess, your other half will probably not think much of it, you will feel better for a bit, and then you'll find another angle with which to look at it, feel like hell and want to confess gain....and the cycle starts again. Get off the roundabout lad!

 

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Hey binx hope your well

I know it's the same **** but of course it always feels different and worse,honestly think I shouldn't fantasise when I'm OK though, don't know why it seems so harmless at the time then so so wrong

And I knew my niece when she was younger, she has grown into an attractive women but I don't think I should have had a sexual fantasy because of who she is,don't know how I'd feel if my partner did about my nephew

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1 hour ago, battlethrough said:

And I think my partner would be disgusted in me about it witch makes it harder because I feel she's with a fraud. 

When I confessed before she was upset I told her and it hurt her and made her feel less desirable 

It will have upset her because you felt you needed to tell her. Not because of the issue itself.

She will have had random thoughts too. Maybe about your dad, or your brother etc. You probably wouldn’t want to know that so she won’t tell you. Same works the other way around. It does not mean she disapproves of you having random thoughts. It’s just she doesn’t want her nose rubbing in it, and you telling her all about it is exactly that.

Edited by OxCD
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23 minutes ago, battlethrough said:

That's what have trouble with oxcd

They weren't random thoughts the were imagined graphic sexual fantasy, I purposely thought them and created them so I developed the initial random thought

That’s what you’re missing. You THINK you purposely developed it. And you THINK there is a problem even if you did. Both of those are not facts. OCD will twist your perception so you think they are. And if you told your partner that, she may well not understand that OCD is manipulating you and take what you said as fact. Which would be upsetting for her. And - like I said before - the fact you had to mention it in the first place - however “normal” those thoughts are.

Edited by OxCD
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Thanks oxcd

But isn't a sexual fantasy or just any fantasy a story that we create for whatever reason, it wasn't random thoughts, it was a story I was creating in my head that I had no problem with and enjoyed at the time, the fantasy wasn't intrusive, the thoughts of guilt I have now are though

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1 hour ago, battlethrough said:

Thanks oxcd

But isn't a sexual fantasy or just any fantasy a story that we create for whatever reason, it wasn't random thoughts, it was a story I was creating in my head that I had no problem with and enjoyed at the time, the fantasy wasn't intrusive, the thoughts of guilt I have now are though

Well the second may be true. You THINK there is an issue letting a fantasy play out. Maybe you’re wrong?

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18 hours ago, battlethrough said:

I am 41 and have struggled all my life,have been on every anti depression drug know,many councilors and physiatrist.have times of happiness but always the same process. 

Feel good, have a sexual fantasy, feel crippling guilt, need to confess. 

OK, so if the process is the same and you aren't happy with the outcome, time to change the process.

From the cycle you describe above there are a few options you can take.

First, if you feel the problem is having the sexual fantasies and you believe those fantasies are by your choice (as you describe below) then the answer is to stop engaging in those fantasies.  It may not be easy at first, after all fantasies are enjoyable, but enjoyable behavior can be problematic (drinking too much, smoking, gambling, etc.).  It may take time and effort, but if you want to stop that behavior you can take steps to do so.  It will depend on your willingness to commit to not doing it anymore, having a plan on how to react when you start to fantasize, etc.

Second, if you feel the problem is the guilt you feel, you can consider whether or not you have a reason to feel guilty, perhaps you don't need to feel guilty.  You can decide, for example, that fantasies are normal, all people have them, and since you aren't hurting anyone its ok.  If you decide to no longer entertain guilt you just need to tell yourself when you feel the guilt that you are ok doing what you are doing.

Finally, and most likely in your case, you can treat this as an OCD issue.  The intrusive guilt and desire to confess can be seen as intrusive thoughts and compulsions.  The change is similar to the option above, you choose not to respond to the guilt in the same way you are now, you choose to start treating the guilt as an unwanted intrusive thought, and actively try to not engage in cumpulsive behavior such as confessing.  

For any of them to work though, you have to make choices and decide how you will respond and work to change how you will respond.  Its almost certainly not going to be the case where you suddenly just feel "OK" with it all and never have a problem again, as you say you've been struggling for a long time with this.  It may wax and wane, but its a cycle.
 

19 hours ago, battlethrough said:

I really want to take the cbt tunnel and when I'm OK I get it so clearly but when the brain locks all logic crumbles

I totally understand, and its frustrating to go from seeing things clearly to feeling confused and unsure and like logic is failing you.  Unfortunately thats how OCD attacks us.  Thats why its important to practice the techniques of CBT over and over and over, to have a plan, and to follow that plan even when you are feeling doubt and distress.
 

19 hours ago, battlethrough said:

And the need to confess is so strong always because I feel I'm lying to my partner about how creepy I am. 

Again I understand, thats why you need to make an active choice to treat this as OCD DESPITE the feelings of being a liar or a creep.  You have to change how you respond to those ideas.
OCD is saying: "You are a liar, you are a creep!"
You have to respond by saying: "Maybe I am, but I'm going to assume I am not and keep going."

Its ok to do that.  Confession may SEEM like the right choice but its a compulsion, there is decades of OCD knowledge behind that.  You CAN make the choice not to confess, you CAN make the choice to treat yourself as an OK person even if you aren't 100% certain.
 

13 hours ago, battlethrough said:

don't know why it seems so harmless at the time then so so wrong

Because thats how OCD works.  When it hits it distorts our thinking.  You have OCD, you need to remind yourself of that when you have these distressed feelings like guilt.  Your brain is malfunctioning and you know that.  It would be illogical to respond to these thoughts as genuine given that you know you have a malfunction going on.  Use that knowledge.  Remind yourself of that knowledge.  A method like the Four Steps from Brainlock might be helpful to you, its fairly simple and straightforward and helps train you to adjust how you respond to intrusive thoughts which is what you need to be learning.
 

13 hours ago, battlethrough said:

When I confessed before she was upset I told her and it hurt her and made her feel less desirable 

OK, there you go, you know confession doesn't help.  You know it causes trouble for your partner.  When you feel the need to confess, remind yourself of that.  Reminder yourself that confession is a compulsion that doesn't actually help.  OCD is lying to you when it says you MUST confess.  Tell OCD to take a hike when you feel the urge to confess.  If ou keep doing that, the desire to confess will fade.  It takes time and stubbornness, but it works.
 

11 hours ago, battlethrough said:

They weren't random thoughts the were imagined graphic sexual fantasy, I purposely thought them and created them so I developed the initial random thought

So the intrusive thought is that you should feel guilty and not the fantasy itself.  Treat the feelings of guilt as the intrusive thought.  Accept that fantasies are normal.  Accept that fantasies are harmless.  Accept that OCD is driving this feeling of guilt and you don't have to agree with it.  Treat the feelings of guilt as unimportant and an artifact of the OCD.  Work to avoid confession, and rumination (which you are also doing a lot of as evidenced by this post).  Consider that telling the story and the details over and over in this thread is a type of confession compulsion too :)  You may not have noticed it but you keep bringing it up, as if you're thinking "but they don't understand, I must explain it so they see how bad I am.  If only they could see they'd agree".  This is a common OCD behavior btw, so don't feel bad, almost all of us fall in to that trap from time to time.  But it is a compulsion and you should work on reducing it too.

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Thank you both for your time and help,I guess fantasising isn't bad or the guilt wouldn't attack in an ocd way,crazy how you can believe your the only one when I know most people do have them. 

Need to try and find strength to stop compulsions, ruminating is the mountain in my life

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