Don't want to fall back down the rabbit whole

[battlethrough]

Resisting is so hard, not googling, haven't confessed but it's like it's swelling and ge bigger,other thoughts are appearing and building up, all around the fantasy, building a picture like maby I have feelings as I did it more than once, I know I don't, it was purely fantasy, not emotional,trying so so hard not to crack

[Binxy]

It's going to be uncomfortable dude- you need to get comfortable with that. You're still analysing though- you're still trying to find some sort of justification that will make you feel better. You don't need to. STOP ANALYSING- recognise when you're starting to and find something more worthwhile to do- no amount of analysing this is going to find an answer. That's OCD for you.

[gingerbreadgirl]

23 minutes ago, Binxy said:

It's going to be uncomfortable dude- you need to get comfortable with that. You're still analysing though- you're still trying to find some sort of justification that will make you feel better. You don't need to. STOP ANALYSING- recognise when you're starting to and find something more worthwhile to do- no amount of analysing this is going to find an answer. That's OCD for you.

Great advice here from binxy. 

I think you could go one step further and deliberately think about the most taboo, anxiety provoking things you can think of. Think about them all day long til you're bored of them. 

Thoughts are just thoughts are just thoughts. They will always just be thoughts. What matters is what you do. 

Edited October 1, 2020 by gingerbreadgirl

[battlethrough]

Thank you both, I'm so sick of this life I really am. 

Everyone says it's no big deal but it always crushes me. 

Honestly think there is something wrong with me. 

I was messed up before about fantasising about her sister,now her adult niece for gods sake, I should have shut it down and not taken it into fantasy land. 

Don't know what it is about me it's as if because they are forbidden it makes it mor alluring,if that's the correct word, I honestly just want to be with my partner yet I keep letting my brain be pulled into taboo

[OxCD]

2 hours ago, battlethrough said:

Thank you both, I'm so sick of this life I really am. 

Everyone says it's no big deal but it always crushes me. 

Honestly think there is something wrong with me. 

I was messed up before about fantasising about her sister,now her adult niece for gods sake, I should have shut it down and not taken it into fantasy land. 

Don't know what it is about me it's as if because they are forbidden it makes it mor alluring,if that's the correct word, I honestly just want to be with my partner yet I keep letting my brain be pulled into taboo

Yes, there is something wrong with you. You’re ignoring what people have told you: you have OCD. We all do!

[Charley]

3 hours ago, battlethrough said:

Thank you both, I'm so sick of this life I really am. 

Everyone says it's no big deal but it always crushes me. 

Honestly think there is something wrong with me. 

I was messed up before about fantasising about her sister,now her adult niece for gods sake, I should have shut it down and not taken it into fantasy land. 

Don't know what it is about me it's as if because they are forbidden it makes it mor alluring,if that's the correct word, I honestly just want to be with my partner yet I keep letting my brain be pulled into taboo

Hi battlethrough, 

I empathise with you because I know how it feels. I don’t tend to have fantasies about people close to me, but of people I knew a long time ago (still people I know though). I am always feeling guilty about this because I want to have fantasies about my partner, but I think because we’re too close, I can’t seem to....I think it’s the sense of familiarity and loss of lust that was there at the start of our relationship. Perhaps this is the same for you?  Like you, I’m more turned on by thinking about taboo/forbidden situations (I think because I know those situations won’t happen in real life and I don’t want them to). I think it’s just my brains natural creative way of helping me get past a mental block, almost like an autopilot action. It’s perfectly normal This may not apply to you but I don’t really experience sexual attraction and often consider whether I am asexual to some degree, which could be the case but still don’t really know. Sexuality/sexual orientations are a complex issue....

Anyway what I hope you can take away from this is that you really are not alone in feeling this way, it’s far more common than you’d think. Some people perhaps don’t feel comfortable talking about it but doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist. Maybe just try and remember that love and lust are completely separate entities. The two are not mutually exclusive. One can survive without the other. The important thing is that you love your partner, personally I think that prevails and is usually far more longer lasting than lust. Just because you have fantasies that don’t involve your partner, doesn’t mean that you want to enact them in real life no matter how real it feels. This is what I remind myself and it comforts me.
 

Simply put, I’ve never been a particularly sexual being and lost my virginity later as a result so for me I think I’ve deduced that fantasising about taboo situations in/outside of partnered sex is my way of reaching quick release that I wouldn’t otherwise get if I didn’t think about these situations. 
 

 Perhaps your mind works in a similar way, but if not, that’s fine. Your experiences are personal to you and doesn’t make them less valid or indicative of them not being OCD. OCD will ALWAYS feel so so so real and like you’re the exception to the rule but as someone pointed out, the irony in relationship themed OCD is that we care so much about these relationships that these thoughts really do trip us up and make us think we don’t care as much as we should when as a matter of fact we do; because if we didn’t care, we would NOT be having these thoughts. 

You’re not alone and you will get there. Have faith in that. There is nothing wrong with you, you are normal and you are allowed to have fantasies that do/don’t include your partner. As long as you love and care for your partner, that I believe, is the main overriding factor

Take care of yourself x

[battlethrough]

Thank you charley

Really appreciate your time and understanding,this angle of ocd is rarely mentioned in self help books.

With children and work the magic of the beginning can fade,unlike yourself I would not concider myself asexual but an old friend of mine does and has very little interest In the sexual aspect of a relationship. 

I've always had a good imagination, and have periods when I believe its normal,I find it particularly hard with the feeling of being dishonest, always have and that makes it harder as I know I can't confess as I've hurt my partner before by sharing to much, so I feel like I'm hiding something. 

All I can do is try and ride this storm and hope the waves settle. 

And I totally get what you say about taboo being exiting because you know it couldn't happen. 

Thanks again x

[battlethrough]

Totally broke and let myself down and out of desperation googled adult non blood niece, and came across all sorts of women saying they would leave there man on a forum. 

The man they were talking about though had pictures of his niece in his photo album, I automatically thought what a creep. 

Other people were saying fantasies are normal but he should be more subtle but he crossed a line buy taking pictures of her, I agree that is out of order. 

But I can't help feeling just as bad because of the fantasy, it was removed from reality, I would never take photos or oggle her it is disrespectful in every sence but so is me entertaining the thought,I know googling is wrong, I just had a ten minute desperate madness. 

This is awful, I'm so desperate to confess so my partner can decide if she wants to be with a man who can think like that.

[PolarBear]

You likely knew that Googling that stuff is a compulsion. But you did it anyway. Now that you have, do you feel better or worse? Has your situation gotten better or worse? Are you ruminating less or more?

Compulsions don't work! They never do. I realize the pull to do them is very strong but you've got to try and use the rational part of your brain. Compulsions have never made things better in the past, so what is the likelihood that they will in the future?

Edited October 1, 2020 by PolarBear

[Charley]

You’re welcome! 

Yes I agree with you, it still seems that relationship themed OCD is ever emerging

That’s fair enough. I think you’re right there. We don’t have children ourselves but work can be stressful and certainly affect my mood/tiredness levels as is often the case for people. Anxiety/depression can affect physical/emotional connection with our loved ones too. 

Yes likewise, I have always had a rich and creative imagination so know where you’re coming from in that respect. I hear you, when I have previously had episodes of feeling guilty from fantasies that don’t involve my partner, I have asked him before if he has ever had fantasies that don’t involve me in/out of sexual activity. He has said that he doesn’t really which of course triggered me as I felt like I should be having fantasies solely involving him and him alone being in a committed long term relationship etc.. then started to think I’m not sexually attracted to him, which means I don’t love him and thus the OCD cycle began time after time... However like I said above, I am fully aware now that love and lust are not on the same level and can exist solely without one another. 

 I know what you mean regarding the “dishonesty” side of things hence why I have confessed my fantasies to my partner too. However I have since learnt that I don’t need to do this, I am not being distrustful, I am simply keeping my thoughts to myself which I am completely in my rights to do..having my own agency and being individual. Therefore I don’t need to tell my partner these fantasies, it’s hard, but you have just got to try your best to resist. At the end of the day, they’re your thoughts and you’re not obliged to relay them to anyone unless you choose to. Plus it’s not for anyone to tell us what thoughts are right or wrong.  

Here if you ever need to talk some more

[Charley]

2 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

You likely knew that Googling that stuff is a compulsion. But you did it anyway. Now that you have, do you feel better or worse? Has your situation gotten better or worse? Are you ruminating less or more?

Compulsions don't work! They never do. I realize the pull to do them is very strong but you've got to try and use the rational part of your brain. Compulsions have never made things better in the past, so what is the likelihood that they will in the future?

Bottom paragraph is oh so true. I’m going to remember this Thanks for sharing your wisdom @PolarBear

[battlethrough]

Thanks pb very well put as always, firm and fair. 

Thanks again charley. 

I did exactly the same and asked my partner if she did,she said the same,just wanted her to say of course I do but no, or she's just a dammed lot smarter than me and just keeps them to herself,probably the latter. 

I don't really feel guilt if I've fantasised about a stranger or someone from the past,it's the odd times when it's someone closer,I knew my niece when she was younger and yes they moved away and she has grown into a beautiful young lady and I hope she finds a good man to treat her well,and that caring for her in a protective way just adds to it being more creepy than a work colleague etc etc. 

Don't really know how to let this theme lye x

[OxCD]

5 minutes ago, battlethrough said:

Thanks pb very well put as always, firm and fair. 

Thanks again charley. 

I did exactly the same and asked my partner if she did,she said the same,just wanted her to say of course I do but no, or she's just a dammed lot smarter than me and just keeps them to herself,probably the latter. 

I don't really feel guilt if I've fantasised about a stranger or someone from the past,it's the odd times when it's someone closer,I knew my niece when she was younger and yes they moved away and she has grown into a beautiful young lady and I hope she finds a good man to treat her well,and that caring for her in a protective way just adds to it being more creepy than a work colleague etc etc. 

Don't really know how to let this theme lye x

You’re ruminating my friend. You’re going over stuff you’ve already told us. You know how you stop this: think about something else. It will hurt at first but grit your teeth. I know the urge is there to continue as this does not feel like a satisfactory resolution - but it will only get worse, so stop now.

By the way: strongly agree with @Charley. Fantasies and daydreams are not cheating. Not sharing everything is not deceit. I’m afraid you’ve just got this arbitrary and incorrect assumption in your head from somewhere.

Take care.

[Charley]

5 minutes ago, battlethrough said:

Thanks pb very well put as always, firm and fair. 

Thanks again charley. 

I did exactly the same and asked my partner if she did,she said the same,just wanted her to say of course I do but no, or she's just a dammed lot smarter than me and just keeps them to herself,probably the latter. 

I don't really feel guilt if I've fantasised about a stranger or someone from the past,it's the odd times when it's someone closer,I knew my niece when she was younger and yes they moved away and she has grown into a beautiful young lady and I hope she finds a good man to treat her well,and that caring for her in a protective way just adds to it being more creepy than a work colleague etc etc. 

Don't really know how to let this theme lye x

No problem at all! 
 

The fact that we have had similar experiences just goes to show how common this type of  scenario is

I see what you mean. Almost like the closer the relationship with the source of your fantasy the more you feel it’s wrong and unorthodox?
I think from memory actually that I have had fantasies about step relatives and felt a similar way; that it was wrong and shouldn’t be thinking of them that way. The same applies though, I would never do anything like that in real life with those relatives and by all accounts from your description sounds as though you wouldn’t dare dream of enacting those actions with your niece. It’s just simply that you’ve had the thought and are questioning the meaning because you think it’s totally inappropriate. My advice to you would be...don’t question the meaning. Leave the thought be. It doesn’t mean anything. It was simply an entertaining thought because it’s taboo. As with any theme of OCD, just try and learn not to question why you had the thoughts, just leave them. They serve no purpose. You are not bad for having those thoughts. They were merely a form of entertainment and that’s that x

[battlethrough]

Your right 

Gone into meltdown panic anxiety mode,an earlier night and a try better ways day tommorow I guess,hasn't been a good one with compulsions today

[battlethrough]

Thank you charley

I like the don't question the meaning,that's actually jolted my mind from work from a good therapist,I need to slowly chip away and try and find a different perspective

X

[Charley]

You’re welcome

I’m pleased that’s resonated with you. If it works, just keep reminding yourself you don’t need to question the meaning. Slowly but surely, your mind will feel less burdened and you’ll start to be able to relax. 

Just keep going, it may not be a quick fix, it may take time and that’s fine. Try not to be too disheartened if that’s the case. Liken it  to retraining your mind and your thought processes. There will be better times ahead X

Edited October 1, 2020 by Charley

[dksea]

4 hours ago, battlethrough said:

I need to slowly chip away and try and find a different perspective

This is a key insight and you need to try to remember it as often as you can, OCD isn't a problem you just shut off, its a problem you chip away at over time (unfortunately).

That includes compulsions.  Yes the ultimate goal is to not do compulsions, but a reasonable interim goal is to reduce them.  Reduction can mean trying to do them less often, or for a shorter amount of time.  It can involve trying to do less intense versions of your compulsions too.

For example, schedule a time where you are allowed to ruminate.  Say at 4 pm every day (if you need it).  When you feel the urge to ruminate you can say "not right now, I'll do that later".  If you find at 4 o'clock you don't feel the need great.

Limit how long you are allowed to ruminate.  Say 1 minute or five minutes.  Set a timer, let out some of that pressure you are feeling from holding back, but when the timer goes off you have to go back to holding it in, at least for a while.   You can even combine this with the schedule idea above.  But at the very least you should try and reduce how much and how often you ruminate.

Or try alternative ways to do your compulsions that are less intrusive.  Instead of confessing to your partner, write your thoughts in a private journal.  Use the same techniques as above for how long/how often you are allowed to do so.  You might find that simply putting down the thoughts in words helps you process them better and you won't feel the need to confess in person as strongly.  You can keep the journal if you want, or after you are done writing out your thoughts you can tear the pages up and throw them away, its up to you.  Its important to not think of the journal as a permanent solution however, you should also be trying to limit and eventually reduce how often you use that too.  Maybe at first you use it once a day, then once every 2-3 days then once or twice a week, etc.  The goal is ultimately to not confess often, if at all, even in journal form.

Remember, chip away, one day at a time, one step at a time. OCD is a big problem, trying to deal with it all at once is going to overwhelm you.  The good news is you can beat OCD using a step by step approach, it doesn't have to be (and probably shouldn't be) and all or nothing fight.

[gingerbreadgirl]

23 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

I think you could go one step further and deliberately think about the most taboo, anxiety provoking things you can think of. Think about them all day long til you're bored of them. 

Can you consider this bt?

[battlethrough]

I don't think at this stage I could gbg x

I'm just trying to calm my mind of the chaos,and trying to catch when I'm ruminating and focus on anything else. 

Feeling quite bad because I broke down in front of my partner, she was lovely and said I could talk to her,all I said was the dark clouds had descended again, so of course I feel I am not being truthful. 

 

[gingerbreadgirl]

7 minutes ago, battlethrough said:

I don't think at this stage I could gbg x

 

OK but what you've been doing these last several years is clearly not working 

[gingerbreadgirl]

Exposure is scary but it works. Don't you want to be free from this cycle?

[Binxy]

I bet you're still analysing. I used to have similar issues around teenage girls- my solution was to Google "is it normal to...", go on forums, come here and ask, ask my girlfriend, my brother, my mum. All for reassurance. I would generally get that reassurance too from somewhere (not here.... Damn you PolarBear!! )- feel that huge sense of relief at not thinking I am a pervert. Then.... BOOM... it would come at me from another angle- how would they know? Are the just telling me that to make me feel better? Maybe I wasn't clear?.... I better ask again...

And there I would remain stuck. And there, you will remain stuck until you stop asking these questions. Treat it like OCD- recognise when you are acting on a compulsion and kick it into touch.

 

Edited October 2, 2020 by Binxy
I lack good typing skills!

[battlethrough]

I do gbg, but I think it has to be controlled with a professional,because I have no problem with taboo when I'm not in the pit, so I think it's quite complex, bit of a rock and a hard place x

[battlethrough]

What I mean by that is say if I had germ or harm themes I could understand how exposure would work but as mine is a guilt over fantasies I haven't disliked I don't see how it would, I think maby of of an acceptance angle for me, but tbh I don't really know, going to ring the doctor and see if I can see someone again, problem is the wait is so long