Reverse HOCD?

[Dreamcatching]

Hi guys I’m quite a long time OCD sufferer and I will be back in therapy shortly but I was wondering if I could have some advice, not reassurance! Lol 

I’m a lesbian woman and I’ve never doubted this ever until the last few months when this theme hit me hard, I’m suddenly in deep fear of “what if I’m not actually gay”    and I’m proud of myself because I’ve improved greatly in not ruminating anywhere near as much as I used to so yay for improvements. 

I’m well aware of how damaging compulsions are and I’ve tried to cut as much as I’m aware of, but there’s one I can’t shake that I’ve had with every theme and it’s the need to tell people my fears/thoughts to shift the guilt. I’m extremely worried about ever meeting a woman now because I’m scared I won’t be able to naturally fall for her anymore as I can’t stop feeling like I’ll be hiding a big lie from her in a relationship about my sexuality. I’m also terrified I’ll never be able to date a woman now (and I’d really like a girlfriend) because the whole time of meeting women I’ll be unattracted because I won’t be feeling things naturally I’ll be in fear mode.

The advice I’d like is how exactly can I tell what is morally right to talk about/confess and what isn’t? I definitely confess for relief from guilt and anxiety but I also can’t tell if it’s still something that should be brought up. For example the news about Phillip Schofield, he stayed with his wife for so long hiding this secret that he liked men and everyone thinks it’s horrendous he lied all of his life and wasted her time. So I’m wondering do I owe it to who I date to say I’m worrying about my sexuality? I know it’s OCD worrying but I can’t separate the line between do they still deserve to know? Because even though it’s my mental illness it doesn’t change the fact I’m plagued with horrific doubts that feel like they’ve changed who I am.

Damn this sounds really reassurance seeky now that I look at it

[PolarBear]

Yeah, it's reassurance serking.

You are about the third LGBT person I've met here who has intrusive thoughts that you're heterosexual. It's not common but hey, our minds are capable of coming up with unending intrusive thoughts.

As for the rest, relax. Confession to get rid of anxiety is a compulsion, something you want to stay away from.

[dksea]

Hi @Dreamcatching, welcome to the forums. Sorry to hear about your struggles, OCD sure makes things difficult.
 

16 hours ago, Dreamcatching said:

So I’m wondering do I owe it to who I date to say I’m worrying about my sexuality? I know it’s OCD worrying but I can’t separate the line between do they still deserve to know? Because even though it’s my mental illness it doesn’t change the fact I’m plagued with horrific doubts that feel like they’ve changed who I am.

Having OCD DOES change things though.  The symptom may be the same (or similar) but the source of the symptom being different means how we handle it and what it means are different.
Consider for example a person who struggles to breathe after climbing a long flight of steps.
Person A is overweight and out of shape.
Person B is in shape but has asthma.

Would you offer the same advice to both these people?  Would you treat their problem in the same way?  Of course not.  

You have OCD, OCD creates doubt, and unfortunately for you right now the doubt OCD has latched on to in your mind is related to your sexuality.  Confessing your doubts to all potential partners out of the fear it *MIGHT* be because you aren't really a lesbian even though its almost certainly OCD would be like person B apologizing for their breathing problems by saying they are out of shape. 
 

16 hours ago, Dreamcatching said:

For example the news about Phillip Schofield, he stayed with his wife for so long hiding this secret that he liked men and everyone thinks it’s horrendous he lied all of his life and wasted her time.

OCD sufferers often latch on to individual examples that seem similar to their feared outcome and treat them as evidence their worries are justified.  I am guilty of having done this too, its very common.  But in doing so they ignore a LOT of other examples that DONT line up with the fears.  Consider the millions of OCD sufferers (myself included) who have dealt with intrusive worries about their sexuality.  In those cases they weren't hiding a terrible secret or wasting the time of their loved ones because of their sexual identity.  They were simply suffering from a mental illness that wasn't their fault.  And despite their worries these people can and do go on to have committed long term relationships with their actual preferred gender partner.  

To put it another way, the fact that there are people who hide their sexual identity (for any number of reasons) and live lives seemingly opposite how they feel doesn't mean that YOU are doing that, anymore than the fact that there are people who struggle to breathe because they are out of shape means people don't have asthma.

Part of overcoming OCD is reshaping how we respond to our intrusive worries.  It takes time and effort but it can be done.  Right now you are responding to your intrusive thoughts the way OCD wants you to: "OMG what if its true, what if I am a liar?".  And thats scary, because you don't want to be a liar, you don't want to be a bad person.  The idea that you might be is distressing.  However the solution is not to try and disprove the thoughts so you feel better.  The solution is to treat these intrusive thoughts for what they really are, false alarms, bad data, OCD causing you to feel unnecessary doubt.  When you have an intrusive thought, right now, your reaction is probably pretty automatic and pretty uncomfortable, the "OMG what if its true" type.  What you have to do (and your therapist can/should help you with this) is to try and actively change how you respond.  Its hard at first because you've fallen in to a kind of bad habit type response thanks to OCD.  What you need to do is try and be aware of when you are having intrusive thoughts.  When you realize you are having intrusive thoughts recognize that they are OCD and then treat them as OCD.  For example.

Intrusive thought:  You are actually straight, you are lying about your true self!
Your response: Oh shoot, there's my OCD acting up again.  I know I feel doubt, but its probably not true and I'm going to treat it as if it wasn't.

At first you'll probably have to put more effort in to it and do it more often.  YOu'll probably catch yourself not doing it and automatically responding in the OCD way.  Thats ok, this is a process not an all or nothing thing.  The goal is to reduce your bad reactions and increase your good ones.  To reduce your compulsions too.  You almost certainly (unless you are some kind of miracle person, in which case, feel free to share with the rest of us!) going to beat this overnight.  Unfortunately OCD recovery is a bit of a slow process overall, but its also effective and worthwhile.

The biggest lie OCD gets us to believe is we have to be 100% certain about things or we are horrible liars.  Thats simply not true.  The reality is we are NEVER 100% certain about anything in life, because we literally can not be.  Its the laws of the universe.  We often FEEL 100% certain but thats just a little brain shortcut to make our lives easier.  OCD interferes with that shortcut and that sucks, but we can more or less adapt our brains to it and not be controlled by OCD.  Hang in there, you can do it.

[dksea]

P.S. Also everything PB said.  He is very matter of fact and cuts right to the chase sometimes, but he has loads of experience and gives sound and solid advice.