I'm a monster!

[Cora]

I'm sorry to be back but I'm feeling very bad at the moment. 

I helped my brother take a bath this evening. An hour later I found myeself ruminating over how and what I felt when I saw him naked. One thing led to another, and all of a sudden I started remembering and thinking about one of the moments when I think I abused my brother. While I gave him (my brother) a kiss on the cheek I had a very, very disgusting thought and I didn't stop from kissing him. That would be a good thing in a normal case, and actually probably the right thing to do as that's what ERP teaches us, but what I did was terrible. The thought made me actually want to carry on kissing my brother. I don't know why. Maybe because I felt some sort of sexual feeling in my body, I don't know.  

I can still remember how evil I felt after it happened but not while it was happening - I'm afraid I actually felt some sort of sick enjoyment while I was kissing him after having the thought.  

So there you go, I abused my brother and I tried to tell myself that it's not true but it actually is. I was in denial all this time. 

I'm sorry. 

[PolarBear]

Let us know when you're ready to make changes so you can get out of this hell.

[Cora]

I'm sorry, PolarBear. I'm trying to understand why I did such a thing alongside many others. I know I don't want to hurt anyone, especially children, but everything shows the contrary. I'm trying to come up with explanations, quite stupid ones to be honest, such as maybe because my OCD was so strong at that time I/my body reacted in that specific way, but it doesn't add up - it looks more like an excuse. I really want to understand why I'm behaving in such terrible ways when that's the last thing I want to be and do, unless I am what I think am - either a paedophile or a child abuser, or both. 

[dksea]

I'm sorry you are continuing to struggle @Cora, I know this isn't easy for you.
 

44 minutes ago, Cora said:

I'm trying to understand why I did such a thing alongside many others.

This is a big part of what is keeping you stuck, you are trying to use "logic" against OCD to come to some sort of "ah ha" moment and figure it all out, then it will all fall in to place, make sense, and you'll feel better.  Unfortunately that's not how OCD works or how OCD recovery works.  Trust me, I fully understand why you are doing this, its what basically all of us do, because its how we solve other problems in our life.  Absent OCD it SHOULD work.  But OCD breaks that, OCD makes that process unusable for certain problems, whatever our obsession is.
 

47 minutes ago, Cora said:

I know I don't want to hurt anyone, especially children, but everything shows the contrary.

Here again is another problem, you FEEL like everything shows the contrary, but it really truly doesn't.  You feel like you are thinking straight, like you are analyzing this objectively, but you aren't.  Your ability to deal with these thoughts has been compromised, has been broken.  Trying to "figure them out" like you are now isn't going to work.  Perhaps an analogy will help.
Imagine you are a conductor of an orchestra.  Things are going fine until one day, something happens that damages you're hearing.  You don't even know it though.  So you go in to work the next day and you are practicing with your orchestra, but things don't sound right.  So you keep telling different groups to do things differently, play louder, play softer, etc. all trying to get the music to sound "right" again.  But the problem isn't the music.  To YOU it seems like it is, it seems like if you can just get the musicians to play the right way it SHOULD work.  And normally it would, but things are not normal, your hearing has been damaged.  Your ability to analyze the situation has been affected.  It seems to you like you need to change things to make things "right" but the reality is you don't need to change things.  Things are fine.  To everyone else around you the music sounds like it should sound,, its only the way you are experiencing the music that's the problem.  And with the right treatment you could get back closer to normal again. 

OCD is basically the same, the problem is not the thoughts or the situation, its how you are perceiving and interpreting it.  OCD has caused you have to have a kind of mental hearing loss so to speak.  It has compromised you ability to percieve thoughts and respond to them in a "normal" way.  Just like the music felt "off" to the composer, your thoughts and actions feel "off" to you thanks to OCD.  In order to get back to a more "normal" life, you have to accept that something is damaged, and because its damaged, how you would normally experience and deal with the situation won't work.  You can no more fix your situation by "trying to understand" than the composer can through listening.

On top of the fact that OCD is making it harder for you to feel right in the situation, the compulsions you have been doing have also distorted the situation.  Now, instead of just having a normal interaction with your brother, the OCD and compulsions have primed your mind to be far more likely to experience intrusive thoughts, thoughts which you then misinterpret and misrespond to thanks to OCD, that makes it all worse.  Its a negative, self-feeding spiral.  And it sucks, I know.

You CAN get out of this spiral, but it requires active work and accepting pain and doubt, at least for awhile.  
You have to stop trying to analyze how you act around him.
You have to stop trying to "make sense" of the thoughts you are having.
You have to stop testing by checking how you feel when you are around him.
You have to choose to treat this as OCD.
You have to accept that you WILL feel doubt and anxiety, but that DOES NOT MEAN you are a monster.

"But what if I'm wrong, what if I AM a monster, what if I hurt my brother!"
You MUST take the chance that you are not a monster.  You MUST take that risk.

"But I CANT take that risk, if it happens I'd be an awful person, it would be unforgivable!"
You CAN take that risk and again you MUST.  Yes, IF something were to happen to your brother it would be bad, and maybe you would deserve to be punished for it.  BUT just because something is theoretically possible doesn't mean you should assume it's likely.   What if you ARENT a monster?  What if this is all just OCD?  What if you have been experiencing enormous and undeserved suffering and it it permanently damages you and prevents your brother from having the relationship with you he deserves?  That would be awful too!  And that is the MORE likely outcome right now by far.

"But if you only understood the things I have done, you'd see I'm probably a monster."
We DO understand.  You worry you haven't explained it well enough or haven't been 100% honest, or whatever,  Trust me, we've heard it before, many of us have experienced it first hand ourselves, if not the exact same situation something similar in potential horribleness, its quite common in OCD.  Explaining it more or giving more details or providing the latest example of the thing you fear ou have done that is finally unforgivable won't change what we are saying.  Trust me, we get it.  We get how awful you feel, how worried you are, how you think each interaction somehow proves you are the monster you fear you are.  We've read it, we've understood it, we believe what you are telling us, the only difference is we can clearly see it for the OCD it is, because its not affecting us, and you can't.  

I am not in the least bit worried that you will harm your brother, I personally have no doubt on that front.  Because to me it is extraordinarily clear you have OCD.  OCD perfectly explains everything you are experiencing.  And its not just me who says that, its Polar Bear, etc. too.  

You want to feel safe around your brother, you want to feel "normal", I totally get that, of course you do.  I wish there was some way I could magically make this all stop happening for you, for all of us.  Unfortunately I can't, no one can.  But YOU can make a change (with help if necessary) and get to the point where you DO feel that way, or close enough to it.  It takes time, and effort, and accepting some unpleasant experiences, but it is not only worth it, its your only real choice.  I'm sorry that you are going to have to continue to feel uncomfortable for awhile, but IF you do the right things, IF you follow the path of CBT, things can absolutely get better, and perhaps quicker than you think.  But the sooner you make a change and start actively working towards recovery, the sooner you will feel better.

[malina]

12 hours ago, Cora said:

They are supposed to help me understand what kind of support I need (even though I already know that) and how to access it.

Do you really know what kind of support you need? I think it might be helpful for you to think about what you want to get out of the appointment, if you wanted to share your thoughts, we could help you, as most of us have gotten professional help as some point.

I think that would just be a much better use of your time than discussing your confession above.

The confession, rumination and all the other compulsions are a complete waste of time. We need to figure out how to get you on the path to getting better. And I say "we" because you're not alone in this, you've got a lot of people here who care and want to help out, so let's do this!

[Cas24]

I second what Marina said! You are not alone.

i know (and probably a lot of other people on here)what it’s like for your brain to make you feel like A monster but that is just a byproduct of having a brain- it’s just a string of words and feelings out of our control. But that does not mean you are those things Cora.

 

i wish you all the luck on your road to recovery.

[OxCD]

We have said all these things many, many times. Whilst we’re still here for you @Cora, you have to want to get better.

[PolarBear]

9 hours ago, Cora said:

I'm sorry, PolarBear. I'm trying to understand why I did such a thing alongside many others. I know I don't want to hurt anyone, especially children, but everything shows the contrary. I'm trying to come up with explanations, quite stupid ones to be honest, such as maybe because my OCD was so strong at that time I/my body reacted in that specific way, but it doesn't add up - it looks more like an excuse. I really want to understand why I'm behaving in such terrible ways when that's the last thing I want to be and do, unless I am what I think am - either a paedophile or a child abuser, or both. 

You don't need to be sorry, Cora. I know you are struggling mightily. It is an awful disorder you have, that makes you question every movement you do and every sensation you feel.

You have absolutely nothing to lose by listening to us. Nothing bad will happen to you or anyone else if you make a decision to try our way. But you could find yourself slowly leaving this hell you are in.

That's all we want. For you to take our hands and walk down a different path. 

[Bodge]

Hi Cora....please trust everyone on this forum. The advice you have been given is from people who have experienced OCD and know what a bully it is. Please take the plunge and trust what you are being told and stop analysing everything. OCD has got me to the point where I couldn't even leave the house alone .....in the end I had no choice but to trust that it was OCD and believe everyone around me was safe.....and it gave me my life back. It wasn't easy, and you have to go through short term doubts...but eventually you will see that the only villain is the ocd and you are a lovely caring person who would never do anything untoward to your brother. I'll be honest....I still have OCD worries that come up, you've probably seen me post on here....but it can be beaten to the point where it doesn't make you feel as bad as you do right now. Sending big virtual hugs and just try and see it as OCD....it's a bully in your head...that's all XXX

[Cora]

Thank you so so much for your help, support and kindness, @dksea, @malina, @Cas24, @OxCD, @PolarBear and @Bodge. You have no idea how much your support means to me! You are amazing! 

I'm back as I'm not doing very well. I've been trying not to come here and confess every single thought I have, but there is so much going on at the moment that I just have to let it out. Please, don't be mad at me that I'm doing this. 

This morning I had to take my brother to school. As I was helping him to put his clothes one, I had an impulse (I'm not sure if that's what it was but it did feel like an impulse) to grab him in a very violent way and hurt him. As we were walking to school, I was holding his hand and I had another impulse to squeeze his hand in an evil way - this was not all; I also had very powerful scenarios in my head and unfortunately some of them were initiated by me; I felt like I really wanted to harm my brother. I don't know why I had those impulses, maybe because I was annoyed at my brother - but that doesn't change how evil I felt inside. 

Yesterday we were relaxing on the sofa and my brother touched with his hand my intimate area by mistake. Even though I moved his hand and changed how I was sitting straight away, I felt a very weird sensation. A sensation that I wanted him to touch me again - I'm sorry, I know this is disturbing. I felt like I wanted something inappropriate to happen. It felt genuine. 

Lots of other incidents similar to those above-mentioned happened for the past three days, and they all were terrifying. I don't know what's real anymore. I really feel like I want to hurt my brother. Any kiss or even the smallest touch feels like it's for a sexual reason. 

I also feel bad for the previous incidents that happened months ago. I forgot about them for a bit but I just remembered how awful and inappropriate I behaved, and how I'm not allowed to forget about them again. This is so much to take...

I know I said I would go to see someone today, but I'm very busy with uni. I'm also very tired because I worked yesterday and didn't get too much rest. But I will try my best to go today; if not, I'm definitely going tomorrow as the only other day they offer face to face appointments is Saturday. 

[OxCD]

2 hours ago, Cora said:

Thank you so so much for your help, support and kindness, @dksea, @malina, @Cas24, @OxCD, @PolarBear and @Bodge. You have no idea how much your support means to me! You are amazing! 

I'm back as I'm not doing very well. I've been trying not to come here and confess every single thought I have, but there is so much going on at the moment that I just have to let it out. Please, don't be mad at me that I'm doing this. 

This morning I had to take my brother to school. As I was helping him to put his clothes one, I had an impulse (I'm not sure if that's what it was but it did feel like an impulse) to grab him in a very violent way and hurt him. As we were walking to school, I was holding his hand and I had another impulse to squeeze his hand in an evil way - this was not all; I also had very powerful scenarios in my head and unfortunately some of them were initiated by me; I felt like I really wanted to harm my brother. I don't know why I had those impulses, maybe because I was annoyed at my brother - but that doesn't change how evil I felt inside. 

Yesterday we were relaxing on the sofa and my brother touched with his hand my intimate area by mistake. Even though I moved his hand and changed how I was sitting straight away, I felt a very weird sensation. A sensation that I wanted him to touch me again - I'm sorry, I know this is disturbing. I felt like I wanted something inappropriate to happen. It felt genuine. 

Lots of other incidents similar to those above-mentioned happened for the past three days, and they all were terrifying. I don't know what's real anymore. I really feel like I want to hurt my brother. Any kiss or even the smallest touch feels like it's for a sexual reason. 

I also feel bad for the previous incidents that happened months ago. I forgot about them for a bit but I just remembered how awful and inappropriate I behaved, and how I'm not allowed to forget about them again. This is so much to take...

I know I said I would go to see someone today, but I'm very busy with uni. I'm also very tired because I worked yesterday and didn't get too much rest. But I will try my best to go today; if not, I'm definitely going tomorrow as the only other day they offer face to face appointments is Saturday. 

Well done for reducing your confessing @Cora. And it’s normal to expect hiccups, so don’t worry about that either.

However, stop making excuses and go get all the help you can. You will do better at uni and in life if you get better so there’s no excuse. Come on - force yourself. Be brave. You can do this.

[Cora]

5 hours ago, OxCD said:

Well done for reducing your confessing @Cora. And it’s normal to expect hiccups, so don’t worry about that either.

However, stop making excuses and go get all the help you can. You will do better at uni and in life if you get better so there’s no excuse. Come on - force yourself. Be brave. You can do this.

Thank you, @OxCD. I didn't mange to go today, but I'm definitely going tomorrow. 

I just feel so bad. I went from worrying about all the sensations from this morning and the past couple of days to trying to stop myself from looking up something inappropriate and disgusting that involves children on the internet. I don't know what this is. It's weird and confusing. It makes me both upset and angry. I don't want to keep myself busy just so I don't look up terrible stuff on the internet - I want to keep myself busy because that's what I want to do. I want to have a normal life. 

I honestly don't feel normal anymore. This is too much. I'm weird and disgusting. How can I ever know who I really am?! 

I'm sorry for being like this. 

[Cora]

I'm sorry for the stupid question, but after sharing so many disgusting things, do people here think I am a monster? 

[PolarBear]

Come on, Cora. Blatant reassurance seeking. Go do something else.

[hazydaze]

4 hours ago, Cora said:

I'm sorry for the stupid question, but after sharing so many disgusting things, do people here think I am a monster? 

Definition: Reassurance. 

You are still diving deep into your obsessions, Cora! 

Within this single sentence I quoted from you, I can point out a few things - all in the spirit of helping you, dear. 

You are apologizing again. Stop, girl! We don't care. Anyone who is annoyed with you will simply stop responding. You don't need to apologize; it is a waste of time for you to type it, and for us to read it. I know you feel like you must apologize because you are, deep down, sorry. I wonder why you're sorry? Perhaps because, also deep down, you know that you don't need to be confessing on here; you know that you aren't a monster. You know that you have been avoiding the hard work. You also know that you have OCD.

All of us have shared details on here that we would likely never share with our day to day friends; a lot of us have posted material that, if it were true, would be horrid. 
It isn't true though. It's OCD. Google OCD and its main symptoms. Most involve pedophilia, incest, etc. You are not abnormal.

You have been told, Cora, many times that you are not going to convince us that you are a monster. Like I said above, definition: Reassurance.

You've had a way out since day one. But, that is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about!!!! We have all struggled. 

You can do this, though. You can beat this.

As always, best wishes! 

[dksea]

18 hours ago, Cora said:

I'm back as I'm not doing very well. I've been trying not to come here and confess every single thought I have, but there is so much going on at the moment that I just have to let it out. Please, don't be mad at me that I'm doing this. 

Stopping compulsions is hard, its normal not to be able to do it cold turkey.  Most of us take time and effort to reduce and then eliminate our compulsions.  Resisting confessing for awhile is a great start!  Next step, try and consider some ways that you can further reduce your confessions.  In addition to working at confessing less frequently, you could also try some other things, such as reducing the amount of details you share when you confess.  Another option, instead of confessing to people, write down your confession in a journal or a text file on your computer or something but don't share it.  Sometimes just typing/writing out the words is enough.  You can delete/destroy the confession if you want afterwards or keep the journal to look back on in the future to see how far you've come.

We understand how hard this is for you, we aren't mad at you, we just want you to get the help you need and to feel better!

[Cora]

Thank you so much, @dksea and @hazydaze. Your help means a lot to me! 

I'm afraid today I will disappoint you once again however. This will seem like you are talking to a brick wall so I'm really sorry (I know I need to stop apologising, but in this case is necessary). I've tried my best not to come here and confess what happened today, but living with this in my head and not letting it out will make my days more miserable than they already are. 

I know I'm way too boring but please, read the following. So two disgusting things happened earlier today:

- I was on instagram (bad idea!) and as I was scrolling I saw a video about an awesome cattle dog. I watched the video and thought of sharing it with my boyfriend as I found it very cute. After I did so, I watched it again. However, the second time it wasn't cute anymore - it was disgusting, confusing, alarming and terrifying. (The following is very disturbing so I apologise.) I don't know how to say this, but I felt some sort of (I'm sorry!) attraction to that dog. It's digusting, I know! And the worst part of all this is that no matter how many times I go back and rewatch it, I feel the same - it's a strong feeling. It makes me sick to my stomach. I was feeling alright (in my terms, I guess) before that as I kept myself busy with chores around the house, but as soon I saw the video I went back to feeling disgusted with myself. I just want to disappear! This can't be happening! 

(Things didn't stop there unfortunately.)

- While my brother and I were watching 'A series of unfortunate events' I realised that I had a thought about how one of main characters (Klaus) was attractive. The more I was looking (which then turned into starring) at Klaus, the more attracted to him I felt. Now, I know that finding someone attractive is not always a crime, but I think in this case it is. I googled his age and he recently turned 19 (I'm 22). The thing is, however, that the show was filmed when he was much younger - so this means that I find someone who is much much younger than me attractive, which is absolutely disgusting. And it wasn't a simple 'Oh, he looks cute!'; it was something much more than that - something that came with feelings and sensations in my body. 

I hate myself. Too much is going on and I feel like I'm not allowed to be alive anymore. On the other hand even though I feel repulsed by what my brain and body are capable of, I don't think I feel ashamed and disgusted enough, which increases my guilt even more. 

What happened today shows me how big of a monster I am. In fact, I've always been one - I keep remembering stuff that I did when I was younger and it makes me want to kill myself. 

[PolarBear]

So long as you keep treating this situation the same old way, you'll remain stuck right where you are.

Edited October 13, 2020 by PolarBear

[Cora]

I'm just so guilty and disgusting. I'm a terrible human being. 

[OxCD]

10 minutes ago, Cora said:

I'm just so guilty and disgusting. I'm a terrible human being. 

You’re an ill human being. Go get some help please.

[Cora]

I missed the opportunity to ask for help this week so I'll have to wait until next week. That was a big and stupid mistake. 

This is unnecessary to share but I just feel so awful. This perverted, rotten feeling inside me gets bigger and bigger every single day and I can't stop it. I'm a monster who walks freely on the streets, has a loving family, an amazing boyfriend and great friends - I shouldn't have any of these things as I simply don't deserve it. 

[OxCD]

1 hour ago, Cora said:

I missed the opportunity to ask for help this week so I'll have to wait until next week. That was a big and stupid mistake. 

This is unnecessary to share but I just feel so awful. This perverted, rotten feeling inside me gets bigger and bigger every single day and I can't stop it. I'm a monster who walks freely on the streets, has a loving family, an amazing boyfriend and great friends - I shouldn't have any of these things as I simply don't deserve it. 

Yes - it was a big mistake - but these things happen. Please put it right, get some help and look after yourself. You have the power to make yourself better - you just have to put your energy into productive activities. Be strong.

Edited October 14, 2020 by OxCD

[Bodge]

Hi Cora

I've been thinking about you all week and hoping you are ok. Please can I recommend you read something....it's a book that literally helped me to live again when I suffered from really bad harm related ocd. It's called Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts by Christine Purdon. Please please look up this book....it's a no holes barred look at intrusive thoughts and really makes sense of it all. You are not bad....you are suffering with a debilitating cruel illness xxxxx

Sending big hugs xxxx

 

Edited October 16, 2020 by Bodge
Spelling

[snowbear]

On 13/10/2020 at 23:39, Cora said:

I'm just so guilty and disgusting. I'm a terrible human being. 

Hi Cora,

Calling yourself names is very common in OCD. On the surface it sounds like you hate yourself and are beating yourself up. But this kind of talk is more complicated that it first appears.

It is actually a self-defense mechanism, an attempt to justify to yourself how you're behaving. By that I mean behaviours like giving in to compulsions and delay in challenging the OCD thoughts. (Not an attempt to justify the 'bad'/pedo behaviours.)

Claiming you're a monster is a way of distancing yourself from all that's going on in your head. You know you're not a monster. You know you're not a bad person. You're struggling to separate out what defines you as 'you'  (the core values you hold dear and try to live by) from every fleeting thought and feeling that passes through your head (which can be disgusting, nasty, and totally at odds with who you are and want to be. )

Next time you catch yourself thinking 'I'm a terrible human being for thinking/doing these pedo things' remember what you're really saying is 'I feel bad because I'm finding it hard to stop these compulsions.' Then you've got a grip on what the root of the problem really is and you can try tackling the compulsions instead of going through the self-defensive act of calling yourself names which achieves nothing.

[Cora]

15 hours ago, Bodge said:

Hi Cora

I've been thinking about you all week and hoping you are ok. Please can I recommend you read something....it's a book that literally helped me to live again when I suffered from really bad harm related ocd. It's called Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts by Christine Purdon. Please please look up this book....it's a no holes barred look at intrusive thoughts and really makes sense of it all. You are not bad....you are suffering with a debilitating cruel illness xxxxx

Sending big hugs xxxx

 

Thank you so much, @Bodge, for your help and kindness - it means a lot to me!