Am I a bad person? Please help

[Llb93]

Hi people,

I need some rational, objective opinions on something I did when I was younger, from the ages of 19-21. I am unsure if I am perceiving it correctly or if my OCD is skewing it. I am now 27 and I think lockdown has caused me to ruminate with all this spare time.

When I was 18 I started a blog, then I turned 19 at uni and I started blogging about my life and emetophobia. I am female by the way. I also had depression. I started (stupidly) following random people to build my followers as I wanted to start talking about emetophobia and get people to see it. I did not pay attention to how old they were. When other people with the same phobia started following me, sometimes I would message them and ask if they had the same phobia and would try and support them over it.... One time there was a girl on my feed posting about depression and I sent her a message of support and we just exchanged a couple of messages about our experience with depression, bullying and how listening to music can help and maybe it’s worth talking to a teacher and she told me she was going to do a presentation about bullying at school and I wished her luck. Is that creepy being 19 at the time? I don’t know how old she was to be completely honest I just wanted to help and at the time I felt good helping someone. This happened again with another girl where I just sent her a supportive message, and I messaged her telling her she wasn’t and another time I complimented a girl two or three years younger than me on her poetry and many times I had exchanges between people asking me about emetophobia and advice, many were a similar age but also some may have been younger. Sometimes people followed me and I just followed back...I didn’t talk to many people after that but sometimes I wonder if it was creepy to follow back when they may have been younger than me.

The content I posted publicly was not stupidly inappropriate, it was mostly photographs of flowers or quotes I liked, personal posts about depression, emetophobia and the odd selfie. Occasionally I made the mistake of posting the odd crude joke (not personally to anyone, just publicly).

One thing I should say, I never spoke directly inappropriately to anybody, my exchanges were purely advice related usually related to my phobia/ depression. Sometimes people asked me how I was as I was depressed and I thanked them and asked them how they were doing and wished them a good weekend. Sometimes I gave people support and complemented them if they posted about feeling down. Does this make me a bad person? I deleted my account a few years ago, and I have this worry that people could have been below 16, and even though I was only giving advice or interacting over a shared phobia, does this mean I am a creep?

Please help  deep down I know I’m not creepy but I’m having trouble moving past this and I’ve been up the past few nights with that sick feeling in my stomach. I am in no way attracted to people younger than me, and at the time I thought I was helping people...now I just don’t know if that makes me bad. I’ve started having thoughts like, that girl told me she was doing a presentation at school and I was 19, was it bad to continue giving advice in a few messages? What if she was really young? Does that make me a creep?

Thank you 

[PolarBear]

I'm not going to directly answer uour question. You are seeking reassurance. That is a compulsion. 

I will tell you that this type of thing is exactly what OCD likes to sink its teeth into. You talked to dome people over social media. Your mind took that minor, everyday thing and blew it up into something major.

Leave it alone. Get on with your life.

[Llb93]

Thank you, it never occurred to me that OCD sufferers are prone to seeking reassurance but I have to admit I do that all the time when I’m in the throes of it, sometimes I have wondered if things that others give no notice to are the same type of things that plague my mind, its always super hard to rationalise when my OCD is bad.

 

thanks

[dksea]

2 hours ago, Llb93 said:

it never occurred to me that OCD sufferers are prone to seeking reassurance

Not only are they prone to it, I'd say its one of the most common compulsions (along with ruminating).

Seeking reassurance isn't itself a bad thing, it can be ok. But like hand washing when it becomes a compulsion it goes from reasonable, safe behavior to unreasonable dangerous behavior.
 

2 hours ago, Llb93 said:

its always super hard to rationalise when my OCD is bad.

Unfortunately it is, which is why its good to have a plan in place for how you deal with your intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviors, that way you don't have to put as much mental effort into trying decide what to do or how to respond, you'll know and you can do it, even if you feel doubt or anxiety while doing so.  If you aren't working with someone on your OCD you can use self guided CBT books to come up with a plan, but I recommend trying to work with a mental health professional if possible, they can help you and coach you and it would probably be more effective than trying to do it on your own, especially at first.