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Running in Circles. Chasing Tails.


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Hey.

So I haven’t been here for a while as I’ve been fighting the good fight but I’ve come to a point of near collapse and I feel like I’m stuck in an endless loop. 
 

So before we begin, there are I guess two things that I have established. The first is that I’m not good with uncertainty and if I’m in a situation where I think “did I touch something” or better “did something touch me”, I’m more than likely going to go change what I’m wearing or shower because of this discomfort. Big things include the trash and the toilet but another thing I really struggle with is my lap and my bottom, especially after I’ve been to the toilet or after you know. The thought of getting waste and/or bodily fluids on things is a bit too much to take and while I appreciate that such is the nature of the world that there are bodily fluids on everything, it’s hard to accept especially when I for example need to use my computer or I need to wipe my TV or something. I don’t want pee, faeces or semen or anything like that on it. That includes grease from food or just food waste. Maybe I’m expecting too much but it just seems wrong. 
The second issue isn’t as much the uncertainty but when there are overwhelming evidence of certainty. For example, I don’t know whether I’m over sensitive but touching door handles that I know my brother hasn’t washed his hands before using it OR doors and whatever that have got evident discolouration or dirt stains on them. I mean, I swear I have tried to clean them off but on certain things like wallpaper and wood, it’s not always easy. I just can’t touch them. I can’t even put a bottle down on the coffee table and or kitchen surface for fear of contaminants or grease from the kitchen or just food entering my bedroom. In these cases, I think there is some rationale, especially where things don’t look clean to worry yet other people seem not to care. So I wonder if it is just me being over sensitive. 
 

anyway I have been stressing a lot about this. I just needed to get it off of my chest. 

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Okay so I guess I rambled a little bit but in essence I feel like accepting uncertainty is one thing. I can try my best to do that and say that I’m pretty sure I didn’t touch something or whatever. It’s when everything in my gut is reacting to a stimuli. Such as touching the dirty door or the greasy cupboard handle. Or putting something on my lap that I know that is wet. It’s looking at contaminants in the face and saying that yes I know it’s dirty but I’m just going to get on with it anyway. It’s that which I think I really struggle with. 
 

I don’t know if I’m making any sense in what I said but I just need someone to redirect me. 

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Well, ALL sufferers hate uncertainty. It's common across all themes. It's something everyone needs to get used to.

As for the other, I wonder if there's some perfectionism going on. I think you detest the thought of things you own being 'contaminated' for lack of a better word. Do you think you have it in your mind that your stuff needs to be pristine?

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Yes I do actually. I really struggle at the thought of things I own being damaged or contaminated. I mean the the thought of there being stuff with urine, semen or faeces on makes me feel like throwing up. But then I would get obsessive about things not getting scratches on them also. So perhaps it’s a bit of both?

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Yeah, you make sure your stuff is perfect but you don't do that for the rest of your house, do you? Nah, just your stuff needs to be perfect. You think maybe this is a control issue? 

Maybe because of the situation with your brother, whom you can't control, you overcompensate with your own stuff.

I just want you to think about this stuff, by the way.

Another thing. If therecwas obvious dirt on a belonging of yours, no one would fault you for cleaning it. I'm sure that happens from time to time. We all clean obvious dirt.

But you clean (like all other contamination sufferers) not obvious dirt, ftom yourself and your things. In fact, it's so not obvious that you could call it phantom dirt, or germs, or bodily fluids, or whatever.  In those cases, you have zero evidence there is some kind of contaminant present, except you have a thought and a feeling that it is present.

One part of you knows there is no evidence, but a little part of you thinks it might be there. That causes uncertainty.  And that leads you to clean.

About nasty. That's your belief. You think a spot of pee on your pants is nasty. Most people could care less. Different perception.

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So just to be completely clear with you, I figure I have to challenge the perceptions I have in my head and go forward. But pee is one thing. What about faeces and semen? Surely I can’t be so easy going about that?

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I get that also, overprotective of things I own and are precious to me. Fear of damaging my car, see loose thread on my new shirt, scuff on my expensive shoes I freak out. I've overcome this though by changing my thinking, nothing is permanent, everything wears out, things change and are replaceable.

Regarding contaminants ocd I've heard exposure therapy is very beneficial way to treat it. I think there is no other way , face your fears and embrace it.

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