Dualdiagnosissoldier Posted October 20, 2020 Share Posted October 20, 2020 Hey guys, my brain is fried right now as I've slept since Monday morning and only just woken up tonight...haven't got the energy to even calculate how many hours that is but I'm sure its above 30. This is not uncommon, however, much less common than it used to be. Sleep is my escape really and it has been for years and years. The problem is, OCD attacks me while I'm sleeping. In order to escape the obsessions I carry on sleeping, but then new obsessions appear while I'm semi conscious or dreaming and in and out of sleep, and it gets so confusing, and I force myself back to sleep again and again. I get more tired, more anxious and more down the rabbit hole, and I sleep until I can sleep no more. Then I wake up like this. In so much OCD doubt, with so much unravelling to do. Im fried because I haven't been eating or drinking, and I haven't taken my medication while I've been sleeping. I feel extra depressed, anxious, weak, tired, confused and hopeless. Another complication is that I don't want to get up on a bad obsession, so that makes me sleep more as well. It's like I don't want that specific obsession to be the one that gets me to wake up, so I'll do some neutralising or whatever and compulsive thinking and eventually manage to get up. The problem with OCD for me is it makes me doubt everything and it makes it difficult for me to ascertain how bad the OCD actually is. So its possible I need more help and support, but because of the doubt, I can never know for sure. Its so confusing. I hate this disorder. Can anyone relate to this? Thanks Link to comment
Dualdiagnosissoldier Posted October 20, 2020 Author Share Posted October 20, 2020 I took my meds and called samaritans so that has helped for now. Its all just so confusing really. The OCD permeates everything and casts doubts in everything. It all becomes so confusing Link to comment
daja Posted October 21, 2020 Share Posted October 21, 2020 Sorry about your situation. It’s a good thing you called the Samaritans. What about a chat with your doctor about your medication? Link to comment
Dualdiagnosissoldier Posted October 21, 2020 Author Share Posted October 21, 2020 Thanks daja. I don't know mate. I really don't know. The meds help, maybe not enough. Its all so complicated and confusing. Link to comment
PolarBear Posted October 22, 2020 Share Posted October 22, 2020 What obsessions are you experiencing? Link to comment
Dualdiagnosissoldier Posted October 23, 2020 Author Share Posted October 23, 2020 I have many obsessions and many sub types of OCD, but in this case and the most disturbing one of all is paedophile OCD. I have worries about being attracted to children of all ages, and I have some form of groin obsession where I'm hypervigilant about response and touching/rubbing myself inappropriately to these thoughts/images/idea. So the compulsions is hypervigilance and checking my thoughts and actions for what I might have thought or done. What I did do in CBT helped but its not a quick fix, and its highly likely I need more CBT and to do more exposure. Link to comment
PolarBear Posted October 23, 2020 Share Posted October 23, 2020 (edited) Okay. I suffered from pedophile OCD for about 33 years. Multiple different obsessions. One of the weird ones was having a thought and urge of touching kids' or even womens' butts when I walk by them. It's weird. But, you can get better from it. You've got to get control of your compulsions. Learn that you don't have to respond to them. You can just let them float around in your head. Takes lots of practice, doing it every day. Edited October 23, 2020 by PolarBear Link to comment
dksea Posted October 23, 2020 Share Posted October 23, 2020 Sorry to hear about the trouble you are going through, it sounds very difficult and upsetting and I can understand why you are struggling. 1 hour ago, Dualdiagnosissoldier said: I have many obsessions and many sub types of OCD, but in this case and the most disturbing one of all is paedophile OCD. One of the frustrating things about OCD is that we can struggle with many different intrusive thoughts, but its important to realize there really are no subtypes of OCD, just OCD. This may seem trivial, but it really does matter, because when we think about OCD as "subtypes" we tend to compartmentalize our recovery and think the things we are learning only apply to that particular "type" of OCD. It also creates the false impression that the contents of our obsessions matter, which is the opposite of what we need to accept in order to overcome OCD. Of course the contents feel upsetting to you, but trust me, whatever your current obsession is it will feel like the worst possible thing in the world, because its what you are troubled by and struggling with now. So I highly encourage you (and everyone) to not think of or label OCD "sub types". It does more harm than good in the end in my experience. 1 hour ago, Dualdiagnosissoldier said: What I did do in CBT helped but its not a quick fix, and its highly likely I need more CBT and to do more exposure. Its true, unfortunately there is no quick fix for OCD. And CBT is the best tool there is to fight it. Working with a qualified therapist can make a huge difference in recovery, and I definitely encourage it, especially if you are struggling on your own. But its important to keep in mind that CBT isn't like an antibiotic or something. You don't take it for awhile and then get better. CBT is training, its teaching you how to combat your OCD, how to behave differently every day so you can be in control. The CBT sessions, especially things like ERP can be very important, but the real work is taking what you learn from CBT and applying it in your everyday life. Your therapist is the coach, but you are the athlete, they can train you and advise you, but at the end of the day, you are the one who has to do it. I hope you are able to get the help you need and deserve, including more therapy, but I encourage you to approach that therapy with a mindset of learning, not simply as a thing to check off that on its own will fix things. Link to comment
Dualdiagnosissoldier Posted October 23, 2020 Author Share Posted October 23, 2020 Thanks so much for your support guys! I feel better about it already, and some of the power has been taken away by admitting this theme. I have read your comments, and will endeavour to reply in more detail soon. Thank you, and I'm glad I'm here with you guys as support is so helpful! Link to comment
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