I’m freaking out

[Emmaloowho]

I was doing so well for a couple weeks. I was disregarding the thoughts and they weren’t bothering me so much. Now it’s crept back up again. I’m terrified. I’m scared of doing something to sabotage my life on purpose. My family means everything to me, they’re the only thing that matters. I have this nagging feeling that I will just do something (currently my worry is about touching my son inappropriately) to purposely ruin my life. I don’t want to do it. I know that. But now it’s just this fear that all it would take is one second to ruin my entire life. I am scared to drive him to school tomorrow for fear that I would touch him inapproprately. I am scared that I will be alone with him at some point in the future and lose control over my “real” self. 
 

I’m so scared. I know I need to disregard these worries like all the others, but that voice telling me I’m going to lose everything is killing me. I don’t know what to do. I am literally sitting here dreading taking him to school tomorrow. Please help!

[SnookerTable]

Ocd can be an horrendous illness

I am sure you will be fine its just a thought, and actual action is totally different coming from your real self and not the ocd

Bet you like me wish you could have had virtually any other illness instead of ocd 

 

 

 

Edited October 21, 2020 by SnookerTable

[Emmaloowho]

It’s god awful. I have seen my husband battle through cancer twice. He’s a warrior. I wish I had a fraction of his strength. This is a bull **** illness that doesn’t compare to what he went through, but it is so heartbreakingly tough to go through mentally. 

[Emmaloowho]

I’m just sitting here in my car on my Lunch break because I am so scared of myself. I don’t want to harm anyone, especially my son. I’m just so scared that I will do it for no reason. Or only for the reason of screwing up my life. Why does this have to be so f’ed up?  I’m literally scared to be in the car with my son. I am getting anxiety just thinking about it. 

[Darwinia]

Have you got a copy of this book? https://www.ocduk.org/shop/break-free-from-ocd/ if not, it might help to get that or some advice online about how OCD works and what it focuses on.

I'm sure lots of books will make the same point, but something that sticks with me is that OCD attacks the thing you care about most, the thing you pride yourself on or that you hold dear, so someone who is careful will worry that they are not careful enough, and by that rule someone whose OCD has them worrying about harming their child is someone who cares about their child so much and wants to keep them safe and is therefore someone who is extremely unlikely to harm them. When my son was a baby I had thoughts pop into my head of how easy it would be to smother him, for example. I got quite scared and talked to a Health Visitor about it and she calmly told me that there's a big difference between having a thought and acting on it, imagining doing something or thinking about something is not the same as wanting to do something. You don't want to harm anyone. I would rather leave my child in the care of someone who gets anxiety about the thought of themselves harming a child, than someone who doesn't.    

 

[PolarBear]

Try to work on not sitting around thinking about this. And tomorrow, drive your son to school. Just do it.

You are allowing a thought to control you. Don't let it.

[Emmaloowho]

@PolarBear

But the thought seems so important, like life and death. It makes me feel like I’m seconds away from Doing something wrong. I don’t feel right. I’ll sometimes get this rush of anxiety & fear that I could just go upstairs in his room and ruin both of our lives. It’s breaking my heart.  I don’t want to do it, I don’t desire doing it. I don’t understand why it feels so real in the moment.

[Ocd10]

Hi EmmaLooWho,

Sorry to hear that you are struggling with your OCD at the moment, but well done on recognising that your thoughts are obsessions.

It may be useful for you to make a 'vicious flower' of your compulsions... that way you may be able to recognise the things you do as part of your OCD.

The next stage would be to gently challenge your obsessions by altering how you react to them, but this needs to be done in a graded and gradual way that feels manageable for you.

Once you have a list of your compulsions, then we can be imaginative about how we can challenge that OCD.

As far as feeling anxious goes, try to keep yourself occupied by other things so that you refocus your attention on to something else - sitting in a car thinking about your worries will only make you feel anxious. Try making a list of things you enjoy doing and could do (eg. talking to a friend - not about your OCD, baking a cake, watching TV, cross-stitch, whatever you are interested in). If you do find yourself panicking then try to focus on your breathing. Some guided imagery or relaxation may also help. 

Hope that helps,

Catherine 

[Emmaloowho]

Thank you Catherine!

[PolarBear]

11 hours ago, Emmaloowho said:

@PolarBear

But the thought seems so important, like life and death. It makes me feel like I’m seconds away from Doing something wrong. I don’t feel right. I’ll sometimes get this rush of anxiety & fear that I could just go upstairs in his room and ruin both of our lives. It’s breaking my heart.  I don’t want to do it, I don’t desire doing it. I don’t understand why it feels so real in the moment.

I realize it seems real and like life or death. It's the nature of OCD. Those intrusive thoughts are generated in your mind, where all other thoughts come from. Of course they seem real.

You have OCD. What you are experiencing is perfectly normal for an OCD sufferer.

[Emmaloowho]

I’m scared I’ll just lose control and do it. So scared. 

[Dualdiagnosissoldier]

I'm so sorry to hear about your suffering.

There is a lady on YouTube which my therapist recommended called Katie d'Ath.

Her videos are short and informative. 

All the best.

[Emmaloowho]

So I took my son to school this morning, nothing happened.  But I was incredibly anxious the whole time, thinking how easy it would be to just reach my hand over and do something inappropriate, even though I had no real desire or want to do that.  Its more like a fear of just becoming possessed with some uncontrollable movement.  I know it must sound ridiculous, but that is the only way I can describe it.  I was relieved when I dropped him off and feeling like I conquered a small fear that I was having.  But then my mind started worrying about what about when I have a longer drive with him sometime in the future.  I am almost convinced that that will be too much.  That I would lose control.  I don’t know why I feel that way, as I don’t want to do it.  And also just the future drives to school just still make me so nervous.  Its not even a fear that its something I actually want to do, its more just a fear that its something I will do anyway, even though I don’t want it.  Please help.  

[PolarBear]

You haven't figured out that what you are going through, the thoughts and urges you are having, the anxiety and doubt you are feeling, is all OCD at work.

It's all OCD. It's what OCD does. You say you don't understand why this is happening. The answer is because you have OCD. It's that simple.

The reason why this is all more intense, more scary than before is because you are doing compulsions. If OCD is a monster, you feed the monster with compulsions.

Think about what you do when you get the thoughts. There's your compulsions. You may avoid your son. That's a compulsion. You may go over the thoughts in your mind, trying to figure out if they're true. That's a compulsion. 

Identify your compulsions. Know how you are feeding the monster. Start to slow them down.

Realise that you are reacting to a thought. That's all. They're just thoughts. They only mean something if you give them meaning. 

[Emmaloowho]

So how do I handle it when I have those fears about the future?  Ignore them?  Not try to think them through?  I feel like if I do that, then I won’t be prepared for when the situation arises. 

[PolarBear]

That last sentence is your mind trying to keep on compulsion road. Your mind will come up with all sorts of reasons why you must treat the thoughts seriously but that is the wrong way to go. You must leave the thoughts alone. Don't give them the time of day.

[Darwinia]

How to handle unwelcome thoughts? Here's two ideas that work for me that are about thinking of yourself with some kindness - 1) when a scary thought or fear comes into your head, don't focus on the details of the thought, just notice that you have had a scary thought and say to yourself - oh look, I've just thought of something scary - and then let it go. A bit like spotting something on the floor, picking it up, and then putting it back. That's about acknowledging that it's a thought - like the million others you have - without putting any effort into beating it down, arguing with it or going along with it. 2) talk to the small girl inside (you!) who is very scared when those thoughts come in - a bit like when a child wakes you in the night with a nightmare, they don't need you to rationalise with them, they just want some comfort. When we're scared we tend to revert into child mode (at least I do and others I've talked to), so be kind to that little girl "Oh you poor darling, that must be horrible for you to have such a scary thought" and do what you need to do to comfort yourself. For me, I often find I'm more susceptible to intrusive thoughts when I'm not looking after myself well (tired, hungry, uncomfortable, in a rush, thirsty, need to be somewhere quiet). Hope that helps. 

[Ocd10]

On 23/10/2020 at 14:57, Emmaloowho said:

So how do I handle it when I have those fears about the future?  Ignore them?  Not try to think them through?  I feel like if I do that, then I won’t be prepared for when the situation arises. 

Hi EmmaLooWho,

Ok, lets look at this together...

What is the obsession (thought, doubt, image etc. that is causing you distress)?

What are the things that you are doing to try to relieve that distress (ie. compulsions)?

Trying to ignore thoughts, trying to push thoughts away, trying to think thoughts through are all likely to be compulsions.

With exposure and response prevention, one of the aims is to expose yourself to your obsession and then try not to carry out your compulsions in the ways that you have been doing. ERP can be scary, but it's the only way to learn new ways of responding to our worries. This is always done in a gradual way though, so that it feels manageable for you.

Do you think we could start with this obsession/compulsions together?

Catherine 

[Emmaloowho]

@Ocd10

I’m sorry I didn’t respond to your last post before now. 
 

The obsession (currently) is that I will sexually abuse my 14 year old son. 
 

I guess my main compulsions are: thinking scenarios over and over again to check how I feel about them; worrying about future situations where I may be alone with my son (like when I take him to school); visualizing if I could/would lose control of myself. 
 

I am trying my best not to avoid my son, although there is that desire to just stay away to keep him safe. I know by avoiding him that won’t help things. But I get nervous when he is near, and I feel wrong and dirty sometimes.  It’s heartbreaking because we have always been so close, and we have always been buddies. Now I just feel like our relationship is tainted. 
 

The thing is that I know I don’t desire to do these things, it’s almost more a fear that something will come over me that is out of my control, and that I will do something wrong. When these fears come upon me, it just makes me feel hopeless and scared, like I can visualize losing control, and that makes me feel like I have already done it. The shame and fear is so strong. 
 

I am really trying not to ruminate, but each time I tell myself that I won’t, I seem to get sucked back in by that voice in my head telling me that if it don’t, then I am not being vigilant enough and I won’t be ready for when the bad thoughts/urges hit me, and that then I will lose control. 
 

 

[Roopoo47]

Hi sorry to here your struggling you are definitely not on your own on this. Been there had this. Rhino you will loose control and act out. The worse feeling you can get. All i can say is it will pass 100%. Definitely don’t avoid. 

[Emmaloowho]

@Roopoo47

Thank you for the kind words. It sucks so bad. I feel like I can’t be normal. There are times when I have these visions in my mind of me just storming into my sons room and literally just doing something. But the weird thing is it’s not a desire. Not like I would have for my husband or anyone I was attracted to. It’s like a self sabotage. Like my mind just says you’re gonna do it to f*** your life up. It’s bizarre. In the moment the feeling I get makes it feel like I’ve actually done it. The guilt, shame and disgust. 
 

Can your mind actually make your body do things or perform actions that you don’t even want to do?

[PolarBear]

You're looking for reassurance. This is just everyday OCD nonsense.

[Emmaloowho]

I know @PolarBear  It’s just so tempting to seek reassurance when you are so full of doubt. 

[Roopoo47]

It will pass it is horrible the reason it’s horrible is because you don’t want to do it obviously. 

[Emmaloowho]

@PolarBear

How do I know I’m just not some sick f*** and that this is the real me?  When I get these urges I feel so panicked and sick but they pull at me. They nag at me and it scares me to death that I will give in. I know I’m seeking reassurance but I’m having a bad morning. The ups and downs of this really get to me. I know it’s to be expected and I know that everyone with OCD goes through it. I’m just so damn scared of myself.