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Feeling miserable


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Hi, 

I hope everyone is okay. Unfortunately, I'm not. I really am struggling. 

As I've said in my previous post, I was meant to see someone from a mental hub. I did go there but nothing good came out of that meeting. The person I talked to couldn't really offer me help related to my problems, just general emotional support. One weird thing happened though - while I was talking about my struggles, I felt like I was actually lying; I felt like there was nothing wrong with me and I should stop being so dramatic about all this and just move on. Even the lady said that I've got everything under control, mainly because I shared how I've worked with two therapists in the past and how I'm on the waiting list on IAPT. I felt normal in that meeting. But I also felt fake, because I really felt like there was no problem to worry about. Anyways, the meeting didn't have the greatest outcome, but I did receive some information about other places where I could go and ask for help. 

Now, to my "normal" stuff. As I've said in the beginning, I'm struggling quite a lot. I now have tons of disgusting thoughts about my parents, especially my mum, and pets. Any time I play with my boyfriend's dog I feel some sort of arousal; I also keep looking at his private parts - it's like I want and have to do it. Sometimes I see my mum in her underwear, such as when she gets dressed or goes to take a shower, and I feel tons of inappropriate sensations and feelings, and I can never tell if I like them or not. Yes, I am this messed up. Yes, I am this evil. Yes, I am this disgusting. 

The paedophilia fear is still the same, or even worse - I actually don't think I can describe how bad everything is in relation to this. Weird things keep happening and they are simply out of control. For example, I was being intimate with my boyfriend and I kept having thoughts involving children (can't tell whether they were intrusive or initiated by me). At one point, I felt like I was really enjoying them and wanted to keep being intimate with my boyfriend only because of the thoughts and the sensations they brought with them. It was horrifying but it seems like I enjoyed it.

Another example is how I always feel something inappropriate when being touched by my brother. Just earlier he touched me (well, we were being kind of mean to each other so some pinching and pushing was involved) and I felt, once again, a mixture between sexual attraction and monstrous violence. I felt like I wanted to impulsively touch him in a very inappropriate way, but at the same time I felt like I wanted to be violent to him as well. 

I don't know how to put it into words, but at the moment I feel like I've reached the lowest point in my life. There are so many things going on and I'm sick and tired of myself. I want this to stop. 

I know this is stupid and I'm being an idiot but I truly feel like my problem is not OCD but rather something very perverted, terrible, weird and utterly repulsive. And the weirdest part of all is that sometimes I feel fine about it; I feel like it's okay to be like this. 

Yes, I'm sick. And I don't know how to stop it. Or if I even want to stop it. 

Anyway, I'm sorry. This is stupid and makes no sense. I think it's time to give up. 

Edited by Cora
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Cora, you’re not sick or repulsive. I wish I could take my own advice, but just the simple fact that you’re here and you feel so bad about yourself says that you don’t like what you are feeling or thinking. I am going through something similar except it is centered around my teenage son. I know how you are feeling. Disgusting, wrong, sick and just not yourself. It is so hard. I am really struggling right now too. The only way I can describe it is that I feel wrong when I’m around my son. I feel scared to be alone with him. I don’t like walking by his room. I’m scared to drive him to school. I’m afraid I will lose control or do something to sabotage myself. I know in my heart that I don’t want to, but...This ocd has tainted everything. 


Even though I can’t see it about myself, I can tel that you don’t want this. You are torturing yourself. I think we both know the things we need to do to start feeling better, but we don’t trust ourselves, and it’s so scary. I’m sorry I can’t give you more advice, but just know that I understand what you are feeling and that I hope with all of my heart that we can both get better. We don’t deserve what we are going through. No one does. But I think we are the only ones who can pull ourselves out of it. 

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Cora, you may have to wait a while to access the help you need. But keep pushing for it. You need a qualified OCD therapist. And only that.

In the meantime, you could be helping yourself. There are things you can do to make changes that will help you down the road.

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13 hours ago, Emmaloowho said:

Cora, you’re not sick or repulsive. I wish I could take my own advice, but just the simple fact that you’re here and you feel so bad about yourself says that you don’t like what you are feeling or thinking. I am going through something similar except it is centered around my teenage son. I know how you are feeling. Disgusting, wrong, sick and just not yourself. It is so hard. I am really struggling right now too. The only way I can describe it is that I feel wrong when I’m around my son. I feel scared to be alone with him. I don’t like walking by his room. I’m scared to drive him to school. I’m afraid I will lose control or do something to sabotage myself. I know in my heart that I don’t want to, but...This ocd has tainted everything. 


Even though I can’t see it about myself, I can tel that you don’t want this. You are torturing yourself. I think we both know the things we need to do to start feeling better, but we don’t trust ourselves, and it’s so scary. I’m sorry I can’t give you more advice, but just know that I understand what you are feeling and that I hope with all of my heart that we can both get better. We don’t deserve what we are going through. No one does. But I think we are the only ones who can pull ourselves out of it. 

Thank you so much for replying, @Emmaloowho. I am really sorry that you are struggling as well. I think I can understand your pain. It's just so terrifying and scary! 

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I just woke up and my brother is all over me once again (he had to stay home and skip school today). I'm currently feeling a lot (A LOT!) of frustration and annoyance at him. He keeps touching me, such as hugging, pinching, kissing me, and I just don't like it. But there's just so much more than that. I feel evil inside any time he touches me - it's both sexual and violent. I can't comprehend what's going on anymore. This is so crazy and out of this world. Please, help me. 

Before I got out bed, he came into my room and tried to lie in my bed with me. I pushed him away (I know this is very bad for him because he feels neglected but I'm too scared to be with him so close), but for a second I felt that I wanted to let him to stay there with me. The reason for that is very dirty and disgusting. Before I pushed him away, I felt his hand on my body, I was very aware of it and how my body responded to it. Well, that's why I really wanted him to lie with me in bed, so his hand could touch me more, maybe even in a more inappropriate way - yep, that was my thought. Please, help me. This is too much for me. 

I probably shouldn't say this but my parents and brother are leaving this afternoon - they are going back to our country to renew passports and deal with other important stuff - and I'm just so happy and relieved because I will be on my own for 10 days and finally get a break from being needed all the time, as well as from feeling these terrible feelings when around brother. They are leaving in about 4 hours but that feels like forever. I know, I'm being selfish, but that's how I feel and I can't help it. 

I feel miserable and it hurts.

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1 hour ago, PolarBear said:

Of course you feel good that he's not going to be around. Your biggest trigger won't be nearby. 

You might get a nice break. Then again, your OCD could easily focus on something else.

Yep. Been there, done that. @PolarBear is correct.

@Cora It’s not your family that are the issue. It’s your brain (like the rest of us). You will find something else.... that’s what OCD does. You need to tackle the actual problem.

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Oh Cora, I'm really sorry that things are still feeling so awful. As horrible as this feels, it's not crazy or out of this world. It's just an anxiety disorder making you have awful thoughts and urges and making you feel as though you're going to lose control. But you won't, so stay strong and keep moving forward! I believe in you and you will make it through this, just one step at a time. Do something to distract yourself, stop ruminating. I'm sending you lots of good vibes, Cora :hug:

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I'm so so sorry to disappoint you, @malina, @OxCD and @PolarBear. I feel like the worst ****. I honestly think I've crossed a huge line and become the worst version of myself that I could ever be.

I just saw some news about a guy having sex with animals and also keeping inappropriate content that involves children in his computer. As I was reading the news, I kept having disgusting thoughts and feelings. But the main thought was that I could easily be that person as well. It all adds up now. 

Then I saw a short video on youtube from nocd about how people with OCD would never act on their thoughts. Guess what?! I did. Several times. So here I am, back in the vicious cycle. 

I hate myself because I'm not suffering enough. I was having dessert and watching a movie earlier but I don't deserve that. I should be suffering and feeling pain and only pain. My methods of punishing myself don't work anymore so I'm kind of stuck because I feel like I need to be punished in a way or another. I force myself to feel guilty most of the time, so besides feeling like a monster I also feel like I'm faking everything around me. I can't even cry without forcing myself - how stupid. How much worse can I get? 

I'm sorry. I know I sound crazy. 

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I know you post things like the above because you are hanging onto our words. The forum is a lifeline for you, a last refuge from what you are going through.

But we can't keep offering you the reassurance you seek. When we do that, we enable you to keep going on the destructive compulsive path you are on.

I warned you about this many weeks ago. And here you are, weeks later, going round and round, doing the same things over and over and getting nowhere.

There is a way forward and out of this mess but involves changing what you are doing. Instead of relying on us for kind words that do no good, look to us for advice on what you need to change and how to do it.

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11 hours ago, PolarBear said:

I know you post things like the above because you are hanging onto our words. The forum is a lifeline for you, a last refuge from what you are going through.

But we can't keep offering you the reassurance you seek. When we do that, we enable you to keep going on the destructive compulsive path you are on.

I warned you about this many weeks ago. And here you are, weeks later, going round and round, doing the same things over and over and getting nowhere.

There is a way forward and out of this mess but involves changing what you are doing. Instead of relying on us for kind words that do no good, look to us for advice on what you need to change and how to do it.

I guess you are right, @PolarBear. The forum is a lifeline for me indeed. And I'm sorry for that. I feel like an idiot for needing reassurance all the time, but at the same time I feel like I'm not able to live without it. 

I'm afraid nothing changed since yesterday and I'm still looking for reassurance and comfort words - again, I'm sorry for that. I just feel so weird and crazy. I also feel guilty and disgusting, just like I've been feeling for the past months. And I wish I were able to switch it off as it consumes all my energy. But I don't know how. 

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Well that's what we are here for. We would much rather guide you toward a better state of mind than offer reassurance that does no good.

One thing you can do is start to realize that the awful thoughts you have been having are not your fault. Their frequency is directly related to the compulsions you do but the fact you have intrusive thoughts is not your fault. Intrusive means they pop into your head and you'd really rather not have them.

Another thing you csn do is start being kind to yourself. Stop cutting yourself down. Say, I have disgusting thoughts, not, I am disgusting.

Small steps.

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I'm really sorry to disappoint you, @PolarBear. I wanted to try and follow your advice, but I fell deeper into the hole (not because of the advice but because of my irresponsibility).

Today has been a terrible day; I've had way too many digusting thoughts and felt way too many repulsive sensations in my body about and related to children and people that I work with who are younger than me. I think I even wanted to flirt with someone younger than me - I think they are maybe 18 or 19. Even though I didn't do anything inappropriate, it kills me knowing that I wanted to do it. I'm horrible.

I don't think I can describe it properly, but I feel like something evil is growing inside me, and is about to pop any minute, wanting to hurt and cause pain to everyone, especially children. I honestly can feel it grow, as stupid as this sounds. 

Everything in my head and body is now perverted. Everything I do is perverted. The way I look at people. The way I feel about them. The way I feel afterwards. 

If months ago I couldn't stand listening to stories about rape, child abuse, paedophilia, neglect and so on, now I  want to hear as much ad possible about them. I have this sick curiosity in me and it feels like it's growing into something I would do for pleasure. I don't know how, but I keep coming across videos about paedophilia and child abuse, and I feel like I want to know all the details from the respective stories. And when I listen to the them, I feel like I enjoy them, I feel like I enjoy the pain and horror those people went through. And that I would enjoy causing the same pain to other people. 

I am sick. So damn disgusting. Please, you have to agree with me. I've shared so many things that describe me as the last ***t on the planet, you have to agree with me. It breaks my heart to say it, but it's the truth - I'm a monster. I can't stop feeling guilty and ashamed, so that only means that I have to accept that I am monster and have done terrible things. 

This is not important but I'm in a lot of emotional pain so I want to share it with you. Earlier I tried to hurt myself. I did it. It was terrifying. I thought I was going to faint, vomit and even die. Luckily, or not, after good 5 or so minutes, when it felt like I was in another world, I slowly started feeling normal, my hearing was back and I stopped shaking. I don't know what that was. But I'm afraid I'll be tempted to do it again, and take it even further. I'm so sorry. I have to punish myself. 

Edited by Cora
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I just feel so much guilt and shame. There's clearly a reason for that. And we all know the reason is that I'm guilty. I'm guilty of being an abuser thus a monster. 

I really don't know how to move on from these feelings. They are so much for me. Way too much.

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Hi Cora,

You NEED professional help!

8 hours ago, Cora said:

This is not important but I'm in a lot of emotional pain so I want to share it with you. Earlier I tried to hurt myself. I did it. It was terrifying. I thought I was going to faint, vomit and even die. Luckily, or not, after good 5 or so minutes, when it felt like I was in another world, I slowly started feeling normal, my hearing was back and I stopped shaking. I don't know what that was. But I'm afraid I'll be tempted to do it again, and take it even further. I'm so sorry. I have to punish myself. 

Telephone your doctor NOW & tell he/she what you have done regarding self harm, and ask for an immediate referral to your local mental health crisis team! Failing that, contact A&E & tell them!

You really need to be explaining everything to a psychiatrist or psychologist!

This has been going on long enough, & the way I see it, you are not taking on board the advice given, and unless you do, I think you are going to find people will stop responding!

 

 

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Just now, felix4 said:

Hi Cora,

You NEED professional help!

Telephone your doctor NOW & tell he/she what you have done regarding self harm, and ask for an immediate referral to your local mental health crisis team! Failing that, contact A&E & tell them!

You really need to be explaining everything to a psychiatrist or psychologist!

This has been going on long enough, & the way I see it, you are not taking on board the advice given, and unless you do, I think you are going to find people will stop responding!

 

 

Thanks, @felix4. I am, however, physically fine now. Nothing too bad happened. I'm sorry for alarming you. 

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I once again called the mental hub that I went to last week. They said they couldn't offer me any help other than emotional support. Also, they said that the only time I can access therapy is when I get to work with the IAPT them, and not sooner. 

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10 minutes ago, Cora said:

I have just booked another appointment with the GP, which is in a week. 

Will you listen @Cora? Please ring a GP and tell them it’s blooming urgent. Don’t take no for an answer. Tell them how you’ve considered self harm. It is important you get treatment soon.

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