Feeling miserable

[PolarBear]

Cora, go to A&E. Tell them you have self harmed. When a person is in a state such as you are, there is very little we can do to help. You are unable or unwilling to listen to us. 

But you do need help. 

[malina]

Cora,

everyone else is right, this has gone too far. Making appointments with your GP, waiting for weeks to speak to someone, getting advice about how you're coping so well is just not working. You really need help urgently. Please listen to the advice you've been given here and go to A&E, no matter how scary it is, you really truly need urgent help Cora.

[Cora]

Yes, I have self harmed but it was something minor. I promise, I'm physically fine. 

I don't know if anyone will believe me, but I want to apologise for behaving like this. I'm ashamed of using self harm as a coping mechanism, and I feel bad for doing it. I'm sorry. I know it's not an excuse, but when dealing with such strong feelings of shame and guilt, for me harming myself seems like the only option. Once again, I'm sorry. 

[malina]

8 minutes ago, Cora said:

Yes, I have self harmed but it was something minor. I promise, I'm physically fine. 

I don't know if anyone will believe me, but I want to apologise for behaving like this. I'm ashamed of using self harm as a coping mechanism, and I feel bad for doing it. I'm sorry. I know it's not an excuse, but when dealing with such strong feelings of shame and guilt, for me harming myself seems like the only option. Once again, I'm sorry. 

this is not about shame or guilt. You have absolutely no reason to apologise, you're going through something really tough and you should never feel ashamed or guilty for that . But, it is harmful and it's probably making things worse and the way that you described your experience did sound serious. From my perspective, I am seeing you going deeper down this hole and I am worried about you. I'm also worried that you're being sent around to different services but not getting any real help. I am glad that you have an appointment with the GP, although I still believe that you need to see someone more urgently. At the very least, you need to tell your GP the truth about how much you're suffering and don't let them brush you off. You need help and they are not providing it, so you need to push, this is important. Please take care of yourself Cora, I know you see yourself in a bad light, but I think that you're an absolutely great person and I want to see you get better and live a happy life. 

[OxCD]

12 minutes ago, Cora said:

Yes, I have self harmed but it was something minor. I promise, I'm physically fine. 

I don't know if anyone will believe me, but I want to apologise for behaving like this. I'm ashamed of using self harm as a coping mechanism, and I feel bad for doing it. I'm sorry. I know it's not an excuse, but when dealing with such strong feelings of shame and guilt, for me harming myself seems like the only option. Once again, I'm sorry. 

Same old story @Cora. Stop being sorry for being ill. You wouldn’t blame yourself if you had an appendicitis. Put your energy into doing something about it. Urgent GP or A and E. Don’t be sorry - go sort it!

[Cora]

14 hours ago, malina said:

this is not about shame or guilt. You have absolutely no reason to apologise, you're going through something really tough and you should never feel ashamed or guilty for that . But, it is harmful and it's probably making things worse and the way that you described your experience did sound serious. From my perspective, I am seeing you going deeper down this hole and I am worried about you. I'm also worried that you're being sent around to different services but not getting any real help. I am glad that you have an appointment with the GP, although I still believe that you need to see someone more urgently. At the very least, you need to tell your GP the truth about how much you're suffering and don't let them brush you off. You need help and they are not providing it, so you need to push, this is important. Please take care of yourself Cora, I know you see yourself in a bad light, but I think that you're an absolutely great person and I want to see you get better and live a happy life. 

Thank you so much for your kind words and support, @malina.  

[Cora]

14 hours ago, OxCD said:

Same old story @Cora. Stop being sorry for being ill. You wouldn’t blame yourself if you had an appendicitis. Put your energy into doing something about it. Urgent GP or A and E. Don’t be sorry - go sort it!

@OxCD, I will try my best. But the thing is that I would prefer to talk to the GP I booked an appointment with next Tuesday than talk to anyone else, because she already knows my story and seems to be very understanding and helpful. I've had experiences with other GPs from that surgery, but unfortunately they had little understanding of OCD, which made me look like a crazy person. 

I think I can wait another couple of days. But if in any case things get much worse, I will definitely call the surgery and book an urgent appointment with a GP. 

[Cora]

Today I'm feeling a bit calmer. However, I've started the day with a bad experience. 

This morning I decided to start watching the alienist on netflix, and at the beginning of the first episode there are shown a couple of scenes which involve children. While watching those scenes, I felt some sort of sick enjoyment mixed with a strong feeling down there, like I was waiting for something inappropriate to happen. It doesn't make sense, but I also felt like I wanted to see more children in the scene, or more scenes with children, so I could enjoy it in a sick, perverted way. It was so real. I immediately turned off the tv because I felt like my mind was about to go to some very disgusting places. 

I would like to ask how I treat this experience. It greatly contributes to my enormous feelings of guilt and shame. I'm quite calm but I'm also lost and confused of how real it was. 

Thank you.

[OxCD]

1 hour ago, Cora said:

Today I'm feeling a bit calmer. However, I've started the day with a bad experience. 

This morning I decided to start watching the alienist on netflix, and at the beginning of the first episode there are shown a couple of scenes which involve children. While watching those scenes, I felt some sort of sick enjoyment mixed with a strong feeling down there, like I was waiting for something inappropriate to happen. It doesn't make sense, but I also felt like I wanted to see more children in the scene, or more scenes with children, so I could enjoy it in a sick, perverted way. It was so real. I immediately turned off the tv because I felt like my mind was about to go to some very disgusting places. 

I would like to ask how I treat this experience. It greatly contributes to my enormous feelings of guilt and shame. I'm quite calm but I'm also lost and confused of how real it was. 

Thank you.

Have you been to the GP or A&E? Ah sorry - didn’t notice above post. That’s a rubbish excuse - you don’t need the GP to be nice to you, you need them to refer you to mental health services so you can see an expert. Just don’t take no for an answer.

Edited October 27, 2020 by OxCD

[PolarBear]

8 hours ago, Cora said:

Today I'm feeling a bit calmer. However, I've started the day with a bad experience. 

This morning I decided to start watching the alienist on netflix, and at the beginning of the first episode there are shown a couple of scenes which involve children. While watching those scenes, I felt some sort of sick enjoyment mixed with a strong feeling down there, like I was waiting for something inappropriate to happen. It doesn't make sense, but I also felt like I wanted to see more children in the scene, or more scenes with children, so I could enjoy it in a sick, perverted way. It was so real. I immediately turned off the tv because I felt like my mind was about to go to some very disgusting places. 

I would like to ask how I treat this experience. It greatly contributes to my enormous feelings of guilt and shame. I'm quite calm but I'm also lost and confused of how real it was. 

Thank you.

How you handle this obsession is the ssme way you treat the rest of them. You leave it alone. Resist the urge to go ovrr it in your head repeatedly. Focus your mind on something else. 

[Cora]

On 27/10/2020 at 22:31, PolarBear said:

How you handle this obsession is the ssme way you treat the rest of them. You leave it alone. Resist the urge to go ovrr it in your head repeatedly. Focus your mind on something else. 

Thank you, @PolarBear. 

I've managed to forget about what happened yesterday and move on. Unfortunately, something else happend. I would like to apologise beforehand for the details. 

While being intimate with my boyfriend, I had some random thoughts about children (nothing specific). At one point I felt that the only reason for me enjoying being intimate with my boyfirend was having those respective thoughts. And I'm saying that because they gave me a weird feeling of excitment. And now no matter how hard I try to remember whether the real reason for enjoying being with my boyfriend was having those thoughts or not, I just can't figure it out. A part of me thinks yes, that was the reason, but the other part really wants to believe that's false. I'm worried about the feeling of excitment I felt, and how it made me feel - unfortunately, as disgusting and gross as this is, I think it made me feel good sexually. I'm confused and can't seem to move on. 

[Cora]

I'm sorry to do this but I really need to share this with you. 

I was watching the haunting of hill house, and there are lots of children in the show. I kept getting disgusting feelings and sensations. I also had this excitment feeling in me as well, which scares me as much as the arousal feelings. I don't know how to describe it better, but it feels like I'm enjoying being this person - a pervert and a monster. 

I'm ashamed to say this, but recently I've been experiencing very weird feelings around animals too. And I don't know how to deal with this on top of everything else. Why do I have to be like this?! I just don't get it! 

[Cas24]

Hey Cora,

Hope you’re okay, I’m going through a rough patch at the moment so just wanted to know you’re not alone. x

[Cas24]

also just to add something that has helped me in the past.  Our body does not check in with our values before it creates a reaction, we have to notice the sensation without judgement or trying to figure out what it means.

Edited October 29, 2020 by Cas24

[Cora]

8 hours ago, Cas24 said:

Hey Cora,

Hope you’re okay, I’m going through a rough patch at the moment so just wanted to know you’re not alone. x

 

3 hours ago, Cas24 said:

also just to add something that has helped me in the past.  Our body does not check in with our values before it creates a reaction, we have to notice the sensation without judgement or trying to figure out what it means.

Thank you so much for your support, @Cas24. And I'm really sorry that you're struggling as well - I understand how terrifying it can be. Once again, thank you and stay strong! 

[Ocd10]

Hi Cora,

Sorry to read that you are struggling at the moment. I too will urge you to seek help from your GP, and if you feel you need to, ask for an emergency appointment or go to a&e. 
 

I’m wondering what we can do to support you, without giving you the dreaded reassurance!

I am sending you hugs, as it sounds like you are having a tough time and need some TLC, but that’s all I’ll do... I know you know why!

If you are feeling very distressed then go back to basics and look after yourself... try to eat, sleep, get washed and dressed, take any medication etc..

You can only really try ERP when you are in a good enough place and willing to give it a go.

Im hoping that the IAPT team will provide you with ERP.

In the meantime, try to identify the intrusive thoughts, images, doubts, feelings etc. that cause you distress.

Then write a list of the things that you do at the moment to ease that anxiety or distress.

Only then can we move on to the next step. I’m happy to try with you if you like, but only if you feel able to cope with trying ERP at the moment. 
 

let us know how you get on with the above.

Take care of yourself... yes, really,

Catherine