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The fear of wrong doing


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I'm back again. 

I've been feeling a little better lately, not ruminating over a past memory and having the attitude of what will be will be but by having that I feel like I'm saying I could be guilty if that makes sense. 

Anyway because I've been feeling a little better I then question if my whole episode that I've been dealing with the last year is actually ocd. When I read post on here of other peoples issues with ocd, to me I read text book things. For example being bombarded with thoughts or images, doing compulsions etc. My story feels way different as I'm not bombarded with images but with worry. 

For anyone who knows my story can ready about it in previous post, I do go into detail but to sum it up I have the fear that I've access/seen something online in relation to CP. I hate talking about this because of its taboo nature. The thing is I have no image, no memory, no evidence of doing such thing just a really strong, and convincing feeling that I have. 

Because I have this feeling of doubt it picks the worst of the worst scenarios of what I could of possibly seen or done although like I said I can't tell you what it is as I don't know. 

I've worried for the past year about this and all I think about is if I had done what my feelings are making me feel then my life is over. I've played over in my head whats going to happen to me, what's going to happen to my family, job and friends. Basically I couldn't live my life is the above were true. Is this catastrophizing? is this ocd? Wouldn't the normal person think this way?

When this happen it was actually triggered, not going to say what happened as I will be here all day but I do go into detail in my previous posts. 

When I think about how my future could possibly turn out for something that I have no memory, I panic and worry to the point of not being in this world. I will say though this has got a little better. 

When this happened this is when the googling starts, trying to remeber a year ago what I was doing etc. Even when this happened a year ago I noticed it straight away so it's not only now I've been feeling like this, it actually all came there and then after the trigger. Even back at the time of it happening I didn't know what I had done. Surely it would have been fresh in my head if I did something sinister like that. 

So sorry that I'm back, I'm not sure if this is ocd or I am just denial. I really hope I didn't do anything of a sort but the feelings I'm having won't let me think differently. The best way I can explain it is that I'm battling with myself so no I haven't done anything wrong and my feelings are saying yes you have. Unfortunately the feelings win everytime and then the rumination starts again. 

I would like to know if the fear of accessing something taboo online relates to anyone else? Has anybody felt the way I'm feeling? 

Thanks 

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I have dealt with several people who have had similar obsessions.

It is common for sufferers to doubt their problem is OCD. So very common.

Now, a little tutorial. OCD is obsessions that cause distress and compulsions done to alleviate the distress.

Obsessions are intrusive thoughts, images, feelings, urges, impulses or sensations, or combination thereof. Now do you see where you fit in? 

 

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Hi Polar Bear. I see what you are saying. It just I have had this now over a year and I just can shake it off. I don't know what to do the help myself. How on earth do you stop ruminating? It something I just can not do and afraid to do to be honest. I'm afraid to have the I don't care what happened attitude just incase there is a slightest chance of it being true. 

Every morning and night I need to come to this site looking at what others stories to see if I can relate to them. When I don't, then I ask myself is this even ocd or am I that bad person blaming it on ocd. Everyday I need to check my local newspaper to see if there are any local P's caught and see what punishment they have been given. Why am I doing this? It makes me feel guilty by doing this, but I just need to know just incase my scenario is true. I feel that I've accepted I've done this horrible thing now i'm stuck on what the consequences are going to be. Is this normal thinking process for someone with ocd? Can they believe in something that isn't true but are overcome with feelings and emotions that convinces them that it must be true? Because of the taboo nature of what's happened to me I find this is possibly the worse of the worse discuss and and to ignore. 

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Lot going on in that post.

Listen, the reason this has stuck around so long is because of your ruminating and other compulsions. That's it. That's the reason. Compulsions feed the OCD monster, keeping it alive.

I'm pretty sure you do know what to do but you come up with excuses why you shouldn't. You read the forum so you know you cannot recover from OCD without giving up your compulsions. That means you have to stop coming here looking for similar stories, stop looking for stories about pedophiles and, yes, stop ruminating.

On the subject of the latter, search YouTube for 'How to Stop Ruminating' by Dave Preston. That's me. It's a tutorial on how to stop. This is a very tough compulsion to stop but it can be done.

As for you bring afraid to have an I don't care attitude about your obsessions, the alternative is to fast forward 10 years from now when you snd I talk about the ssme things here because you are still doing the same old compulsions. I've been here about six years and thrre ate people here still stuck in the same placr they were six years ago.

Yes, OCD can set things up where you believe you've done things you haven't. But more or less you convince yourself of such things.

 

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Thank you Polar Bear.

Ive been doing better lately. I dont k ow whether its the medication kicking in after a year but I find im not ruminating as much, not about what happened a year ago but about the fear of being arrested for something i have no memory of and my life being over. What i do find disturbing though is that i keep telling myself if i had done something so taboo surely something would of happened by now - 14 months on.

I know this is the wrong way to think as im basically saying im guilty but its my only bit of real hope. Is it wrong or possibly normal to think this way? I feel terrible thinking this way but like im trying to see it from a realistic point of view if that makes sense. I have been counting the days since this all started an to be honest its been my biggest sort of reassurance because as each day passes nothing has happened. I find now tbough i need to wait atleast two years before i can start and try to let this go. I know though come after two years of me counting day the days it will then be three years. Can i ask your opinion on this or would this be reassurance? 

Also im awating CBT but it seems its going to be a while yet. Can one get better without the help of a professional? I feel as im getting slightly better but because im feeling this way its telling me this must not be OCD as I would need therapy to battle it. 

By the way your video was very helpful. Its good go put a face to your name. 

Chris

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Well, it's not much of a face. Lol.

You shouldn't be looking at this at all. Not at all. 14 months is 14 months too long to have your mind stuck on a thought. And that's all this is, a thought.

Can you get better without a professional? Maybe. An OCD therapist will walk you through what you need to do and urge you to do the work.

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