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When does one accept its not OCD?


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I was told for 13 yrs than what I have is HOCD but I honestly cant see that it is.  My groin is getting aroused instantly upon seeing any sort of topless man advertising workout equipment on facebook.  I am having messed up dreams of men and my groin gets aroused when I see the images in dreams.  My sex drive for women has fallen off a cliff.  During the first 8years of this certain things would put me at ease slightly, like if I imagined a woman naked I would get aroused.  If I  sat and imagined myself having sex with a man nothing.  If I kissed a girl I would get aroused.  I have never kissed a guy.   If I checked porn I would find the women arousing.  IF I checked gay porn it was boring and couldnt get me going.

Now I know people are going to say I am checking but I would look at porn maybe 2-3 times a year.  That's it.

Now all my attractions seem to have flipped upside down and now women are boring and ny sight of men is making my groin go mental.  Its totally out of my control and frightening, I feel really low and just want to crawl under my duvet and not come out ever.

People keep telling me its ocd and I want to believe them but I just have lost all hope or sight that it is.  My body seems to have changed and doing new stuff that it never used to.  My symptoms have evolved and changed.

I am really thinking this is some sort of denial or not accepting I am gay or something. I hear its common for gay men to not accept it for years. 

I have Erection issues with women and do not feel I am capable of living a normal life.   I am scared for my future and am scared I will end up dying with depression from this.  I do not want to be gay.  I cant even tell you why I jut do not want to do stuff with men but my groin seems to have turned against me and is torturing me.

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Welcome back. It's been months. And your post ftom back then is pretty much like today's post, which is pretty much like your posts from five years ago.

You're in denial alright. No question about it. But not about being gay.

Other than that, I refuse to offer you any reassurance. Half a decade on, you keep saying the same things, every couple of months. 

See you in a few months.

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9 hours ago, Dave321 said:

People keep telling me its ocd and I want to believe them but I just have lost all hope or sight that it is.  My body seems to have changed and doing new stuff that it never used to.  My symptoms have evolved and changed.

Being told its OCD won't change anything.
Wanting to believe its OCD won't change anything.
If you want things to change you have to choose to treat this as OCD, choose to respond to it as OCD, choose to get help for it as OCD, and stick with that.

I understand you are suffering, and I am deeply sorry that you are, really.  You are desperately wishing/hoping that this goes away, that it gets better on its own, that you wake up one day and things suddenly make sense again.  That would be awesome, but its not likely, anymore than I'm likely to wake up tomorrow having lost a bunch of weight and gotten in great shape.  Improving your situation takes work.  Its not fun, its not ideal, but its reality.  If and when you are ready to that we can help support you.  But its a choice you have to make, despite the fears ou have that this is something like denying being gay or what not.

I know you FEEL like there is all this "evidence".  I get it, I've been there.  But the problem is you are not thinking straight and so your evaluation of that "evidence" is flawed.  You have to trust other people on this, you have to accept that your own judgement has been compromised, you have to make a leap of faith and make a choice.  Its up to you, but you aren't alone.  I hope you make the choice that gets you the help and recovery you deserve.  Its hard work, but its worth it.

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I am having a bad spike at the moment.  I opened up facebook and I get adverts for home workout equipment and its always videos of topless men with 6 packs exercising.  Anyway I get what felt like 100% genuine sexual arousal before any intrusive thoughts.  Its almost instant and totally outside my control.

It feels like I am being raped and my body is being aroused to the rapist.  Its such an overwhelming physical response.  I have never been able to get past them and they have gotten worse and more frequent now as years have gone on.

I relaly hope this isn;t my body/mind realising I am gay and now putting all my arousal onto men.  My reactions to women have totally diminished over the years.

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Terribly anxious that I grew up or assumed I was straight due to heteronormativity or whatever its called.  Maybe I was never straight and just copied other guys like monkey see monkey do,

I was called gay age 12 so maybe I just wanted to be straight to fit in.

I am really scared.

I am scared that my symptoms have evolved for the worse towards the gay end of the spectrum and that the attraction and arousal I had for women was either fake or not what other men feel. I'm nearly 40 and still hiding away fromt he world like a small child.

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My best advice, Dave, is go see a psychiatrist. Tell him your story, like you tell us here every few months. Tell him what you are going through. Then, and this is really important, tell him you have been going through this for 5+ years.

You need help. You are stuck.

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1 hour ago, Dave321 said:

A psychiatrist? :(

I'd be terrified what he might say

Consider the hell you have been living in for the past 5+ years.  Wouldn't the chance to make things better be worth it?

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Hi Dave321,

Have you ever tried CBT or medications to help you with these thoughts/feelings?

It is great that you have been able to express your thoughts/feelings on here, so why can’t you express them to a therapist? 
 

I don’t want to offer you any reassurance, as that may only make things worse in the long-run for you, but can you fit your symptoms in to the definitions of obsessions and compulsions? If so, then perhaps try to entertain the idea that it could be OCD. 
 

What is an obsession? An intrusive thought, feeling, doubt etc. that causes you anxiety. Do you have this?

What is a compulsion? Anything that you do to ease the feeling of anxiety or distress caused by an obsession. Do you do things to try to ease your distress?

A heads up that OCD is an anxiety disorder... it may be worth asking yourself if you suffer any anxiety or pleasure as a result of these thoughts?

catherine 

 

 

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19 hours ago, Dave321 said:

A psychiatrist? :(

I'd be terrified what he might say

As opposed to having your mind stuck for more than five years? Look at the mentsl torture you have put yourself through. What could possibly be worse?

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Hi Dave321,

Really? It sounds to me as though you really want to change things.

Ok, I am going to assume for a minute that this is ocd... are you willing to try an ERP exercise? If it’s not ocd, it won’t do you any harm, but if it is ocd it could be helpful in helping you to move forwards. 
 

catherine 

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Ok, that’s good :)

Let is take this example of seeing a picture of a semi-naked man.

We will go in stages...

What thoughts and feelings do you get?

What do you do to try to make things better? 
 

catherine

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I get an instant and powerful sensation overwhelming my groin like sexual arousal energy and I feel fear and dread like I've just discovered a cencerous lump.  My heart starts beating faster suddenly feel very anxious and my heart then sinks.  I consider this is proof I am sexually aroused by men. It feels like I am being raped yet getting aroused by the rapist.   (I do not mean this to be offensive to gay people)

To make myself feel better I try to find hope that this is not what I am fearing and may be ocd groinal response.

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Ok,

what thoughts do you have when this happens?

how do you try to find hope that this is not what you are fearing? Do you check (physically or mentally), seek reassurance from others & things around you, try to push the thought away etc.? Can you think of any more? 
 

catherine 

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The groin reaction happens before any thoughts.

I'm not sure what I think.  I experience a sensation which causes me fear and terror.  I then dwell on it and say to myself ''that's it I'm gay'' and this wave of depression hits me.  I used to do many things but don't anymore.  I used to imagine sex with a girl to see if it still aroused me and then compared it to thoughts of sex with a guy.  Back then this reasured me I was straight and calmed me down a bit. Now I seem to the opposite reaction and feel even more hopeless.  I also would have this urge to masturbate to see if it was a groinal or genuine arousal.  I would test to gay v straight thoughts.

Nowadays I'm tired of all that and just accept my fate but it makes me want to just hide away from the world and not see anyone,

 

I also post on here when I am particularly stressed. I used to ask my mother what she thought..  I also try to avoid seeing topless men on tv for example avoiding watching Top Gun, and also avoid tv shows or films with gay characters or people.  (I do not wish to be homophobic)

Edited by Dave321
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2 hours ago, Dave321 said:

I'd prefer to live in fear and doubt than be suicidal from some comment by a psychiatrist.

Well then look, if you are not willing to listen to us (you haven't for five years) and you're not willing to see a psychiatrist, then you are doomed to continue living in the hell you have been in for a long time. That's it. Bottom line.

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3 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Well then look, if you are not willing to listen to us (you haven't for five years) and you're not willing to see a psychiatrist, then you are doomed to continue living in the hell you have been in for a long time. That's it. Bottom line.

At least I'd be still alive

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8 hours ago, Dave321 said:

At least I'd be still alive

Except thats not the choice you have to make, the choice isn't:

Stay the same and stay alive
OR
Die

The choice is
Stay the same and keep suffering (and probably get worse)
OR
Get help and get better.
 

10 hours ago, Dave321 said:

I'd prefer to live in fear and doubt than be suicidal from some comment by a psychiatrist.

And I'd prefer to live a long and healthy life than be struck by lighting, but that doesn't mean its reasonable or realistic for me to stay inside and avoid even the slightest possibility of being struck by lightning.  You are massively over exaggerating  the chances that some stray comment by a psychiatrist will result in you becoming suicidal and willing to endure endless REAL suffering on a daily basis because of it.  While that is, I suppose, your choice, it is not a very logical or wise one.  It's like saying you don't want to go on the trip of a lifetime because there is at least some possibility the plane could crash and you could die.  You could also die if you never get on the plane, in fact you will someday.  Same with this, you could drop dead from an aneurysm tomorrow.  What then?  Sure you didn't become suicidal, but you also suffered needlesly, and in the end you still died.

It IS scary to accept the unknown and try something different, I understand that fear, but trust me when I say its worse to keep suffering.    The fear you are living in is far far worse than what happens when you get help, even doing things like ERP.  Your life could be so much better, you are missing out on so much right now that you could be enjoying.  I really hope you will reconsider.

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12 hours ago, Dave321 said:

The groin reaction happens before any thoughts.

I'm not sure what I think.  I experience a sensation which causes me fear and terror.  I then dwell on it and say to myself ''that's it I'm gay'' and this wave of depression hits me.  I used to do many things but don't anymore.  I used to imagine sex with a girl to see if it still aroused me and then compared it to thoughts of sex with a guy.  Back then this reasured me I was straight and calmed me down a bit. Now I seem to the opposite reaction and feel even more hopeless.  I also would have this urge to masturbate to see if it was a groinal or genuine arousal.  I would test to gay v straight thoughts.

Nowadays I'm tired of all that and just accept my fate but it makes me want to just hide away from the world and not see anyone,

 

I also post on here when I am particularly stressed. I used to ask my mother what she thought..  I also try to avoid seeing topless men on tv for example avoiding watching Top Gun, and also avoid tv shows or films with gay characters or people.  (I do not wish to be homophobic)

Hi Dave321,

Ok, so the thought is that you might be gay and this thought causes you further distress. 

Let’s list the things you do/used to do to ease your anxiety & distress:

- Seek reassurance from these forums

- Seek reassurance from your Mother 

- Avoid seeing pictures or watching films with topless men

- Avoid seeing films or tv shows with fat characters 

- Try to think about/imagine having sex with a girl

- Try to reassure yourself via masturbation

- Testing gay vs straight thoughts 

That’s quite a list & I’m sure that there will be more things too.

If you were to try to resist doing one or two of these things, which would you chose would be the easiest (or least frightening!) to resist? 
 

You have already, correctly, identified that back then these things reassured you and calmed you down a bit, but they don’t work any more. It’s difficult, but perhaps the things that gave you short term relief are actually making you feel worse in the long run? 
 

It can be exhausting trying to fight these thoughts, feelings and actions, but I don’t think you have accepted that as fate... otherwise you wouldn’t continue to try to fight them :) 

Let’s find the easiest one or two things from that list and then we’ll move on to the next stage. 
 

Catherine 

 

 

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Ok, that’s great, so shall we try an ERP exercise? 
Do you have 10 mins now?

IF you were to do the following, and only IF, how anxious does that make you feel... on a scale of 0 (no anxiety) to 8 (worst anxiety imaginable)? 
 

To look at a picture of a topless man for 5 minutes without looking away and at the same time telling yourself all those things like you are gay, your feelings must mean you are gay etc. 
 

Catherine 

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