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I don’t think I want to be here anymore


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I just don’t know what to do.

I am now having questions floating around my head like ‘do I actually think being a P is wrong’ i just can’t live with this. I am just crying constantly. I don’t know if I have any morals anymore.  I don’t know if this is OCD but I don’t deserve to be here if it’s anything else. 
‘Do you actually think it’s wrong though’ it’s just going around my head and I can’t see any way out. I don’t deserve my family or my boyfriend.

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Hi Cas24,

Sorry to hear you are struggling at the moment :(

Shall we work through this together:

Do you have an obsession - a thought, feeling, doubt etc. that causes you anxiety?

Do you try to do something to ease that distress and anxiety - a compulsion(s)?

If yes to the two above questions, could this possibly be OCD?

If yes to that question... treat it as though it is OCD... if you are not sure about whether something is or isn't OCD then treat it as if it is and see what happens.

I'm not going to give you the answers to the above questions, but I think you do know the answers yourself.

Take care of yourself today... have you had something to eat, got dressed, done something you enjoy doing? 

Catherine 

 

 

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Hi Cas24,

So sorry to hear this :(

Do you think that you could contact your GP (or mental health team if you are known to one) and explain how distressed you are feeling?

I’m going to be harsh and say that looking for someone with exactly the same thoughts that you are having is likely to be a compulsion... as you are seeking reassurance that you are not a monster. Try not to do this if you can as it will only fuel your anxiety. 
 

It is also very unlikely that you will find somebody with exactly the same thoughts as you.

It sounds like you are acutely anxious at the moment, and so the best thing to do is try to take some time out, do something you enjoy doing (yes, it’ll be hard to concentrate but try). 
 

Also try to control your breathing if that has become an issue - count up to 7 as you breathe in and up to 11 as you breathe out and gradually your breathing will settle.

Do you have any guided imagery or relaxation techniques that you can listen to? There are plenty on the good olde tinternet if not.

While you are this distressed it’s not worth trying exposure and response prevention, but when you are feeling better (yes, this won’t last forever!) it might be worth reflecting on it and seeing what we can learn from it.

Take care of yourself,

catherine 

ps - have you managed to figure out if it is OCD or not? Do you have an obsession (yes - the thought you have identified)? Do you do anything to try to ease the distress caused by the thought (compulsions)?  I suspect the answer may be yes, as if you are feeling so horrible it’s only natural to want to do something to feel better). If yes to these two questions, do you think it could be ‘just’ your OCD playing with you? 

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Thank you so much Catherine, I just feel like I need a hug and for someone to tell me everything will be okay.

is it normal to not be able to answer the question? Surely I should know what’s right and wrong but every time I try and answer I feel like I am lying and doubt creeps in 

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Hi Cas24,

Hugs coming your way because this is an awful disorder, but I’m not going to tell you everything will be okay because that would be reassuring you in a compulsion kind of way... you have to see if you can figure it out yourself whether or not things will be okay, and that’s the scary risk taking bit we have to do.

Its quite normal to find identifying whether something is OCD or not difficult.

But, remind yourself, what is an obsession? It could be a feeling of doubt that causes you anxiety... so, could your doubting thoughts be OCD too?

Also, try not to label things as ‘right or wrong’... ‘wrong’ will usually imply that there is some sort of danger that you need to protect against, when this may not be the case at all... again that’s something that you need to figure out for yourself using ERP techniques. 

Sorry to be harsh - but things that comfort you in the short term are unlikely to help you in the long term, eg. If I gave you reassurance now that everything will be okay, it will offer you relief in the short term, but in the long term these are the types of things that will keep your OCD going and growing. 
 

Catherine 

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Hi Cas,

Just want to let you know that you are not alone. I have been going through the same OCD about that for a long time now. It’s definitely torture. Yes, that thought has popped in my head before. The thing is, you know the answer, but your ocd just won’t accept it therefore it just keeps looping. Just know you aren’t going through it alone. Just have to say to yourself, “this is not me, this is my ocd.” Then try to just move on and get out of that lock. There’s a book you should check out called “Brain Lock”. Very interesting and helpful tips in there. 

Edited by iCam
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Thank you iCam

i finally fell asleep shaking and crying in my mums arms last night.

i just don’t know what is happening to me why do i feel like I’m lying when I say it’s wrong.

I know it’s awful I know it’s awful I know it’s awful.

i haven’t ate I feel like if I get weaker the thoughts will get weaker too

how do I get passed this 

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I ruminate a lot 

I search this forum 

I have a safe bubble in my head that I put myself in from feeling pain from the thoughts and from hurting anyone else even thought I don’t want to

i feel guilty all of the time

i am questioning everything about myself, am I horrible person with no morales I don’t understand.

does this sound like OCD please somebody 

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On 26/10/2020 at 13:06, Cas24 said:

Hi Catherine, 

I had the thought I mentioned above and I haven’t stopped crying since I had it, I’ve been searching through the forum to find someone who has had that thought before, I just need to know I’m not a monster

Hi Cas,

Are you finding that the forum searches are helping, or raising even more worries?

 

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