Real life issues causing further anxiety

[Emmaloowho]

So my husband is battling more health issues. They are currently unknown, but we have been advised he needs to see an oncologist. He has already battled through two different types of cancer over the last 11 years. 

Now my ocd is basically “taunting” me with how horrible it would be if I just did something awful to my son (sexually). How terrible it would be for my husband to deal with that along with everything else we are worrying about right now. It’s making me so sad and fills me with panic and shame. When I have the thought, it almost feels like I’ve already done something terrible. It feels like such a betrayal  

Basically all my OCD themes over the years have surrounded causing someone that I love pain, or betraying them in some way. 
 

I can’t get my mind off of how easily I could cause my husband and family further pain. It’s so scary to me on top of all of this other stress. It’s another form of this self sabotage theme I have going on. About ruining my life and the life of the people I love the most.  And losing everything that means anything to me. 

[Emmaloowho]

On top of this, my job is pretty high pressure right now and my husband is unable to work. I really can’t afford to fall apart right now. 

[PolarBear]

Real life stress always makes OCD worse. Do everything you can to tske care of yourself. You can't be the family's tock if you are crumbling.

All those thoughts about how you could make rhings worse are intrusive thoughts. They are always lies snd csn be safely dismissed as junk.

[Emmaloowho]

Why do I feel so much shame when I have that thought. It’s tantamount to feeling like I’ve already done something wrong. Like it almost makes it feel inevitable. 

[PolarBear]

But it's not. It's a lie. OCD always lies.

[dksea]

11 hours ago, Emmaloowho said:

Why do I feel so much shame when I have that thought.

Because you are a good person and you don't WANT to be having those kind of thoughts.  Intrusive thoughts cause distress, and shame is one example of that.

[Emmaloowho]

@PolarBear @dksea

How long will it take for me to start trusting myself again?  I took my son to school today and did fine. But in the back of my mind was my fear of making a wrong move. I don’t know how I am going to keep doing this when every time I get in the car with him or he sits next to me (last night he sat right next to me on the couch for a few minutes and it made me feel very uncomfortable, which normally I would not give it a second thought) I feel dirty and my mind tells me I’m on the verge of doing something inappropriate. 
 

After I dropped him off I really tried not to go over it in my head and analyze how I was feeling, or think about how I will feel tomorrow when taking him to school, but it’s really hard. I was trying to think of it like an erp session of facing my trigger and then not doing my compulsions (going over it in my head, thinking about future scenarios...). I found it very challenging. 
 

I just want to get back to the point where taking my son to school is just taking him to school. No weirdness or worry. No feeling wrong or perverse. I just want that to happen so badly. 

[PolarBear]

It's taken you a while to get into this mess.  It will take a while to get out.

[Emmaloowho]

I know @PolarBear but why do I feel so uncomfortable when I’m with him?  Why can’t I trust myself?  I feel okay most of the time, and feel like I have a game plan in my head, but then when he’s around my mind goes into freak out mode. I want to be able to tone that down a bit. What do I do when I’m near him and that happens?

[PolarBear]

This is happening because you have OCD. Over time, you have basically taught yourself to react that way.

At first there was a thought when you were near your son and a jolt of anxiety. That made you take notice and you reacted to that thought/jolt, badly. Now you freak out every time, thought or not. It's a conditioned response, like Pavlov's dogs.

To get out, you need to do two things: stop freaking out just because your son is near and put the brakes on your compulsions. For the first part, you need to calm yourself and be relaxed.

You need to realize this is just OCD. It's everyday, normal OCD. What you are going through is simply what the disorder does. 

[Emmaloowho]

Thank you so much @PolarBear and I really appreciate your patience with me. I know that I keep coming here for advice, but I really do Try to put it into practice. I’m just struggling right now. Just not feeling myself. 
 

So do you think I need to just try to relax as much as possible say before I take my son to school?  And if the anxiety starts to pick up I just need to let it happen?  And also after I have dropped him off, don’t relive the the situation and try to analyze how I was feeling?  I am thinking that is the right way to handle it, but I wanted confirmation. 
 

Thank you!

[dksea]

1 hour ago, Emmaloowho said:

I really do Try to put it into practice. I’m just struggling right now. Just not feeling myself. 

Its a lot easier to tell you what to do or even know what to do than it is to actually do it (as is often the case in life).  Trust me, we understand how hard that is too  As PB said, it took you awhile to get in to this, it'll take awhile to get out. I wish I could tell you how long, but there's just no way to say.  But everyday that you work on it, every time you do the right thing and avoid compulsions, face your anxieties etc. is one day closer to that goal.  Of course it would be awesome if you could be better right away, I know how desperately you want that, thats natural.  Try to be patient, but its normal and understandable to be frustrated at times.

 

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So do you think I need to just try to relax as much as possible say before I take my son to school?  And if the anxiety starts to pick up I just need to let it happen?  And also after I have dropped him off, don’t relive the the situation and try to analyze how I was feeling?  I am thinking that is the right way to handle it, but I wanted confirmation. 

Your thinking is spot on here.  But remember you don't have to be perfect, just try and be better each time in how you respond. 

[Emmaloowho]

Thank you @dksea!  Really appreciate your advice and knowledge. I will keep plugging away and trying this tactic. I guess I just have to realize that I am going to feel that anxiety in those situations, and not feel defeated by it, but do my best to keep going.