Past incidents

[Cora]

I think this post will be quite long, so I apologise for that. I also apologise for the disgusting details that you will come across. 

Earlier in the evening I was feeling quite bored. Unfortunately, that was more than enough for this anxious feeling I'm currently overwhelmed by to start off. Within seconds I started remembering all the past incidents that happened in the past year, which involved my little brother and baby cousin. I'm now, once again, feeling very guilty and ashamed. And once again, I feel like I need to let the appropriate authorities know so I could be punished for what I've done. 

So these are the main things that I'm guilty and should be called a monster for: 

- A year and a bit ago I visited my cousins, who live in a different country. They are 3 children in their family, the youngest one being 7 months old at that time. Long story short, I was holding my baby cousin while sitting cross-legged on the floor. His feet were touching my pelvic area while he was hopping up and down. Unfortunately, while he was touching my pelvic area I felt a sensation in my intimate area. I'm very ashamed to say but I believe that I enjoyed that sensation. For some reason, and I believe that was because I enjoyed the sensation, I didn't move the baby's feet straight way. What I did instead was slowly standing up, enjoying the sensation. I can't clearly recall, but I think that for 5 seconds or so I didn't realise that the sensation was caused by a baby, because I was very focused on the sensation itself. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I think I abused/molested my baby cousin by enjoying a sensation in my intimate area and letting it be there on purpose for a long time. I feel like a predator for sharing all this again, and I'm scared for doing so, but I don't see another way. But yes, I let my baby cousin's feet stay on my pelvic area on purpose for a longer period of time because I wanted to enjoy that feeling/sensation in my groin. 

- There were three or four times when I impulsively kissed my brother (who is 8 years old) on the cheek after having thoughts and sensations in my body of a sexual nature. I have no idea why I did such things, because I never wish to harm my brother or any child in general, but I did it anyway. 

- I've had several terrifying urges to molest and touch my brother in very inappropriate ways. I felt like I was seconds away from doing it. And I also felt like I really wanted to do it.

Okay, so at the moment I'm being very overwhelmed by anxiety, guilt and shame. It's 3am where I am and I can't sleep (I probably don't deserve it so I guess that's fine). 

Within an hour I went from feeling okayish back to feeling like the most disgusting monster that has ever existed - I'm aware of the exaggeration but that's how I feel. There is this feeling that makes me want to cut my veins and just disappear. There's also this feeling that I belong either in a prison or locked up somewhere where they treat me with nothing but hate and more hate, letting me to slowly die, which would be a great punishment. 

I'm sorry as I've said this before but I'll say it again: if you truly believe that I am a monster and think that I need to confess to the police what I've done, please do tell me, because I don't know what to do. 

I'm sorry. I understand if you hate me. I deserve it. 

(I just want to add that none of the incidents mentioned above were compulsions. They were actual disgusting abuse behaviours. I know that for sure.)

Edited October 30, 2020 by Cora

[Ocd10]

Hi Cora,

One of the problems with OCD is that more often than not we can get ourselves in a muddle because the thoughts/feelings relate to something that we feel has/ may have happened.

Lets take your example...

A baby actually may have touched your pelvic area.

A lot of people would have a thought about that and dismiss it, but with you that’s not the case and you have attached a meaning to it and are trying to ‘understand’ it. 

In your case, you have attached a meaning to it... what is that meaning? What thoughts go through your head? What feelings do you feel? What doubts enter in to the equation? What images enter your mind?
 

Are those thoughts, feelings, images, doubts causing you anxiety?

Do you want those thoughts, images, doubts, feelings etc. or are they intrusive and unwanted? 

If they do cause you anxiety, then the chances are you don’t like it and will do anything to ease that feeling of distress and anxiety... is that the case here?

If so, what do you do to try to take away that feeling of distress /anxiety? 
 

I’m sure you are aware that in OCD, the problem isn’t what happened, or even the thoughts associated with it, but more about what meaning we chose to attach to those thoughts and how we chose to react to them. 

You say that these are things that actually happened, and not compulsions, but, looking at the answers to the questions above, do you think there are any compulsions here? Could this be ocd? 

Finally, try to imagine yourself going to a police station and explaining the above... what do you think their reaction would be? 
 

Catherine 
 

 

Edited October 30, 2020 by Ocd10

[Mike68]

Hi Cora, 

A couple of months ago I was staying with my sister. My grown-up neice and 7 year old nephew live at my sister's house. Whilst I was there, I began to get intrusive thoughts about physically harming my young nephew. The thoughts became so frightening and  compelling that I called the police and confessed my thoughts. Two policemen arrived and I told them what was happening. They didn't arrest me. Instead, they seemed sympathetic and took me to the local hospital. There, I spoke to a psychiatric nurse who phoned my psychiatrist. He confirmed that I have OCD and I was sent home. The police took no further action. 

If you were to tell a policeman the things that you have mentioned on this forum, you would not be arrested. Instead, you would probably be treated with sympathy and advised to get help. You are not a monster, you have OCD. 

Edited October 30, 2020 by Mike68

[Cora]

Hi @Ocd10, 

Thank you so much for your reply. It means a lot! 

To answer you question, yes, all the thoughts, doubts and feelings related to what happened cause me anxiety. But I think the reason for that is because I know I'm guilty. I just can't understand why I didn't move the baby's feet away but decided to enjoy the sensation by letting his feet stay on my pelvic area for a longer period of time. I did that! On purpose! 

I've struggled with this before but I managed not to think about it for a while because it causes me a lot of pain. But the more I avoid thinking about it, the worse it gets. 

Again, I just can't comprehend why I did what I did. I took care of my brother when he was a baby - nothing inappropriate happened. I took care of my other baby cousins - again, nothing bad ever happened. I was surrounded by children for more than half of my life and nothing similar to what I mentioned above ever happened. But that doesn't change the fact that I abused my baby cousin I guess. And I believe it is abuse because I used a child for my sexual interests (it hurts to put it this way but it's the truth). 

My boyfriend and mum know about this as well; I tried to give them as many details as possible and they still said that I have nothing to worry about and should let it go. But I just can't do it. I keep picturing what happened and my head screams "Abuse!". I also feel very guilty whenever people talk about child abuse and molestation, and, again, I think the reason for that is that deep down I know I'm a monster. 

I'm feeling very dirty at the moment. It's an odd and uncomfortable feeling. 

Once again, thank you for taking the time to reply and help me! 

Edited October 30, 2020 by Cora

[Cora]

30 minutes ago, Mike68 said:

Hi Cora, 

A couple of months ago I was staying with my sister. My grown-up neice and 7 year old nephew live at my sister's house. Whilst I was there, I began to get intrusive thoughts about physically harming my young nephew. The thoughts became so frightened and  compelling that I called the police and confessed my thoughts. Two policemen arrived and I told them what was happening. They didn't arrest me. Instead, they seemed sympathetic and took me to the local hospital. There, I spoke to a psychiatric nurse who phoned my psychiatrist. He confirmed that I have OCD and I was sent home. The police took no further action. 

If you were to tell a policeman the things that you have mentioned on this forum, you would not be arrested. Instead, you would probably be treated with sympathy and advised to get help. You are not a monster, you have OCD. 

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, @Mike68. I really appreciate that! 

I don't want to be rude, but the difference here is that you never harmed your nephew, and you never will. But I did. I sexually abused my cousin. 

Yes, maybe I would not be arrested but I still think I should be. 

Once again, thank you! 

Edited October 30, 2020 by Cora

[OxCD]

@Cora We have been through this loop loads. You’re just making yourself worse by starting new threads and seeking more reassurance from other people. Have you had an urgent appointment with your GP yet?

[Ocd10]

Hi Cora,

Ok, there's lots here to look at:

All of your thoughts, doubts, images and feelings cause you anxiety... can we perhaps call them obsessions then?

3 hours ago, Cora said:

But the more I avoid thinking about it, the worse it gets. 

Have you heard about the pink elephant exercise?

Try not to think about a pink elephant, no really really try to not think about a pink elephant. How is that pink elephant? Are you still thinking about a pink elephant? Stop thinking about the pink elephant! No, stop thinking about the pink elephant...

What happened? Did you manage to avoid thinking about the pink elephant? Or did you find yourself thinking about the pink elephant more?

The same is true with OCD thoughts... the more you try to avoid thinking about the distressing situation, the more it bothers you.

This sounds like a compulsion to me, what do you think? Remember a compulsion is something you do to try to ease the anxiety caused by an obsession.

3 hours ago, Cora said:

 

Again, I just can't comprehend why I did what I did. I took care of my brother when he was a baby - nothing inappropriate happened. I took care of my other baby cousins - again, nothing bad ever happened. I was surrounded by children for more than half of my life and nothing similar to what I mentioned above ever happened. But that doesn't change the fact that I abused my baby cousin I guess. And I believe it is abuse because I used a child for my sexual interests (it hurts to put it this way but it's the truth). 

Ok, you are engaging with the thoughts and trying to analyse them, rather than just letting the thoughts float in and out.

You are also trying to reassure yourself here by telling yourself that if you managed to look after your brother and cousins and have been surrounded by children for a lot of your life and nothing happened then you must be okay.

Is this a compulsion... are you trying to ease your anxiety by telling yourself this?

3 hours ago, Cora said:

 

My boyfriend and mum know about this as well; I tried to give them as many details as possible and they still said that I have nothing to worry about and should let it go. But I just can't do it.

 

Oh, do I spot another compulsion here? Are you trying to seek reassurance from your boyfriend and Mum to ease your feelings of anxiety and distress, disgust etc.?

3 hours ago, Cora said:

I keep picturing what happened and my head screams "Abuse!". I also feel very guilty whenever people talk about child abuse and molestation, and, again, I think the reason for that is that deep down I know I'm a monster. 

I'm feeling very dirty at the moment. It's an odd and uncomfortable feeling. 

 

Obsessional image?

Obsessional feeling of guilt?

Feeling dirty - an obsessional feeling?

See if you can identify your obsessions and compulsions and make a list, then perhaps we can try an ERP exercise and see what happens?

Catherine

 

[Cora]

2 hours ago, Ocd10 said:

Hi Cora,

Ok, there's lots here to look at:

All of your thoughts, doubts, images and feelings cause you anxiety... can we perhaps call them obsessions then?

Have you heard about the pink elephant exercise?

Try not to think about a pink elephant, no really really try to not think about a pink elephant. How is that pink elephant? Are you still thinking about a pink elephant? Stop thinking about the pink elephant! No, stop thinking about the pink elephant...

What happened? Did you manage to avoid thinking about the pink elephant? Or did you find yourself thinking about the pink elephant more?

The same is true with OCD thoughts... the more you try to avoid thinking about the distressing situation, the more it bothers you.

This sounds like a compulsion to me, what do you think? Remember a compulsion is something you do to try to ease the anxiety caused by an obsession.

Ok, you are engaging with the thoughts and trying to analyse them, rather than just letting the thoughts float in and out.

You are also trying to reassure yourself here by telling yourself that if you managed to look after your brother and cousins and have been surrounded by children for a lot of your life and nothing happened then you must be okay.

Is this a compulsion... are you trying to ease your anxiety by telling yourself this?

 

Oh, do I spot another compulsion here? Are you trying to seek reassurance from your boyfriend and Mum to ease your feelings of anxiety and distress, disgust etc.?

Obsessional image?

Obsessional feeling of guilt?

Feeling dirty - an obsessional feeling?

See if you can identify your obsessions and compulsions and make a list, then perhaps we can try an ERP exercise and see what happens?

Catherine

 

Thank you Catherine, 

I really appreciate your help. 

Yes, you are right. I have all the obsessions you enumerated above (obessional image, feeling of guilt and feeling of disgust).

My main compulsions are the sudden urge to revisit my memories (I try not to do it because it increases my guilt), confessing to and looking for reassurance from my boyfriend, mum and people on this forum. 

[Cora]

2 hours ago, OxCD said:

@Cora We have been through this loop loads. You’re just making yourself worse by starting new threads and seeking more reassurance from other people. Have you had an urgent appointment with your GP yet?

No, @OxCD, unfortunately I didn't book an urgent appointment with the GP. 

I'm sorry for making another thread about this subject, but I feel very anxious and guilty about what happened and just don't know how to manage it. 

[Cora]

I know this a stupid move but I just want to ask: do you all think that what happened was abuse, thus I hurt my cousin and need to be punished for that? 

[Cora]

I feel like I'm manipulating people on this forum. I feel like I want people to feel bad for me so they could tell me that I'm not a monster. I feel evil and rotten inside. I sincerely apologise that you have to deal with someone like me. 

[OxCD]

7 minutes ago, Cora said:

I know this a stupid move but I just want to ask: do you all think that what happened was abuse, thus I hurt my cousin and need to be punished for that? 

Stop it then. Stop intentionally hurting yourself. We want you to get better. You need professional help - the forum will help but you really need an expert.

[OxCD]

2 minutes ago, Cora said:

I feel like I'm manipulating people on this forum. I feel like I want people to feel bad for me so they could tell me that I'm not a monster. I feel evil and rotten inside. I sincerely apologise that you have to deal with someone like me. 

@Cora We are capable of ignoring you if we so desired, so nothing to apologise about. But we’d prefer it if you got better. You have OCD - nothing to be ashamed of and not your fault.

Edited October 30, 2020 by OxCD

[PolarBear]

48 minutes ago, Cora said:

I know this a stupid move but I just want to ask: do you all think that what happened was abuse, thus I hurt my cousin and need to be punished for that? 

We are NOT going to give you this kind of reassurance.  Thst is assisting you with a compulsion.

[OxCD]

@Cora Just grasp the nettle and get an urgent referral. You deserve better than being in this pain.

Edited October 30, 2020 by OxCD

[Cas24]

Hey Cora, 

I am not sure if this helps but my GP rang me today and noticed I was still very low so she referred me to my local crisis team and I went in for an assessment the same day, I’m not sure if you have this in your area but you could try. I know the waiting lists for help in some areas are really long so you may just have to get across how urgent it is. Sometimes we just need help and that’s okay.

hugs to you and PLEASE (saying this to me as well) try not to be so hard on yourself 

[Cora]

9 hours ago, Cas24 said:

Hey Cora, 

I am not sure if this helps but my GP rang me today and noticed I was still very low so she referred me to my local crisis team and I went in for an assessment the same day, I’m not sure if you have this in your area but you could try. I know the waiting lists for help in some areas are really long so you may just have to get across how urgent it is. Sometimes we just need help and that’s okay.

hugs to you and PLEASE (saying this to me as well) try not to be so hard on yourself 

Thank you for your help and advice, Cas! 

[Cora]

9 hours ago, OxCD said:

@Cora Just grasp the nettle and get an urgent referral. You deserve better than being in this pain.

I'm sorry but I'll have to wait until Monday as the surgery is closed during the weekend. But thank you so much for sticking with me - it means a lot to me! 

[Cora]

13 hours ago, PolarBear said:

We are NOT going to give you this kind of reassurance.  Thst is assisting you with a compulsion.

I understand that but how am I supposed to move on without knowing for sure if I abused my cousin?! I just want an answer, that's all. 

[Cas24]

2 hours ago, Cora said:

Thank you for your help and advice, Cas! 

I know reaching out is scary, but just think that one step is one step closer to recovery. You already have the diagnosis of OCD so even if you do not want to get in to it with your GP you can say ‘ I have been diagnosed with OCD and I need urgent support’ then you can get in to the details with someone who is trained in mental health. 
 

[malina]

2 hours ago, Cora said:

I understand that but how am I supposed to move on without knowing for sure if I abused my cousin?! I just want an answer, that's all. 

Will you be satisfied with an answer though? You’ve already asked your mum and boyfriend but their answer supposedly wasn’t enough. You’ve asked us this before too, in fact I feel like I know about the incident with your cousin off by heart now. So why do you need yet another answer from this community? If we were to tell you it wasn’t abuse, you’d say “I just can’t believe that because it feels like it was to me”

I get it though, this no reassurance policy seems illogical because, as you say, you need to know in order to move on. But look at it this way, confession and reassurance are you drugs of choice. Do you give an addict their drug to make them better? Getting off drugs is incredibly painful and hard but once you get through it, you’re off them. Giving you reassurance would provide only temporary relief but you will come back to this incident over and over again.

This is why you need a professional, to guide you and teach you how to let go. So please go to your GP and push for this!

[iamwesker]

4 hours ago, Cora said:

I understand that but how am I supposed to move on without knowing for sure if I abused my cousin?! I just want an answer, that's all. 

Cora I know it is hard and frustrating but we have already given you the answer. It is OCD. Unfortunately reassurance relief doesn't last long so this is why you must take the steps against OCD and stop ruminating

[PolarBear]

6 hours ago, Cora said:

I understand that but how am I supposed to move on without knowing for sure if I abused my cousin?! I just want an answer, that's all. 

I know you want an answer. What you really want is reassurance.

You have been told, at least several times, that this is all OCD, that you've done nothing wrong. But that's not good enough.

You come back here asking us if you've done something wrong. It's reassurance seeking. It's a compulsion. 

You also come here, tell us your latest obsession, then tell us how vile and disgusting you are, challenging us to tell you the opposite. It's reassurance seeking. It's a compulsion.

If we were to tell you this time that you did not abuse your cousin, you might feel better for a little while but soon enough something else will happen and you'll be back here looking for more reassurance.

Compulsions don't work. We want to get you off this merry-go-round of relying on others to reduce your anxiety.

For the record, this happens to many, many sufferers. Reassurance seeking is a big compulsion.

[Cora]

Hi, 

Thank you so much for your help, @Cas24, @malina, @iamwesker and @PolarBear. I really appreciate your support even though sometimes it doesn't look like it. 

Okay, let's say that what happened wasn't abuse. But then why can't I stop thinking of it as abuse? Why can't I stop these terrible feelings of guilt, shame and disgust? Shouldn't the presence of these feelings mean something - such as that I've done something very bad? 

I will be honest. I did get some relief from reading your replies. It calmed me for a bit. But a couple of hours later my brain started to come up with new things, such as maybe I've convinced and manipulated you to say that it was not abuse (I'm sorry, I mean no offense) or that you're not being completely honest (again, no offense), and I went back to worrying and ruminating - it's not bad but it's not great either. 

Once again, thank you so much for your continuous help and I'm sorry that I'm being very hard to work with. 

Edited October 31, 2020 by Cora

[PolarBear]

So the thoughts you have that you aren't being honest, etc are themselves intrusive and can be safely ignored.

As for your bad feelings must mean something, no they don't. OCD lies all the time. Every time. They don't mean anything.