New here - My story

[RocketSky203]

Greetings everyone... I recently joined the forums, though I probably won't be active too much...

I am suffering from what I believe is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Though I have yet to be diagnosed, I'll explain throughout my story. Note it might be all over the place, so my apologies if this sparks some confusion.

It all started a year ago, I had a falling out with some of my friends online over issues of trust and the like, and I was worried about one of them who I was close with but started to become a lot more distant. This would later devolve into drama and the whole matter became untenable to the point that our friendship has fallen apart. Not gonna go into detail as this is more personal but all I can say is that initially I was the one who caused nothing more than trouble towards them and so, I decided to cut ties with all of them, even those that supported me. And for a long time I have remained alone and isolated. 

However, following this whole ordeal I felt concerned about the safety and wellbeing of my family, that I started checking doors late at night to be sure they aren't left unlocked, and that someone was gonna come after me for the whole drama I mentioned above. I started to realize that something might be wrong with me, and for a while I have been feeling this excessive worry and with all this checking. At the time, I learned I might have been suffering from Generalized Anxiety Disorder, though I did not self-diagnose myself as such, though I believed it was lucky. Because I was so stressed out with everything that I became paranoid and somewhat delusional. If only I still was concerned about this than what came down the line later.

I eventually started taking medication, I thought it would help me but I felt a lot more worse than before due to them. I already have been having significant intrusive thoughts at the time and it was when one popped up, I was filled with absolute dread, I started to question if I was a pedophile, and that's when my life literally began to have a downward spiral. I have suffered intrusive thoughts like these before, but never I have expressed such concern as to why I had them. 

I became pretty suicidal, I was heavily worried about this, then I recalled a lot of memories from the past, all of which I know happened but at the time I misremembered some of them, I didn't bother thinking about this much further as I was felt so awful about some of the things I did in the past. One memory stuck out and that bothered me the most, I called suicide hotline and confessed to what I did, and I also confessed to an online forum. In short, I was told to pretty much just let go and to move on, it took a while for me to let go of that incident, but I moved on... I thought I was starting to feel better when more memories started to resurfaced and I was back to square one once again. Before this, I already discovered OCD and the 'themes' I have been suffering at the time. I was hoping to get help but then these memories resurfaced, making it feel difficult to even try to get help in the first place. Because, I saw myself and still consider myself to be a monster. Even if these events happened long ago and that I must have misremembered them when I first recalled them. The things I did made me feel a lot more shameful now when I taken the time to think about how bad they must have been. Note, I was still a teenager when I did all of these and I was 20 when I recalled these memories. Some of these memories were me doing not so innocent things, bad ones too, though half them I never really went through with, thankfully. 

All these things continued to weighed on my mind, some of them still lingers in my mind as of now as I have struggle to let them go despite constantly going back back trying to figure everything out to not much avail.  

I started seeing a therapist who is experienced in Cognitive Behavior Therapy, I liked the therapist and he helped me to some degree, but I don't think I've done much to improve, my life wasn't getting bother, and unfortunately this therapist only had a basic understanding of OCD and said he wasn't a specialist. My luck felt short, because I have been unable to find a OCD Specialist near me and had no choice but to work with what I had, and I don't think it did much to help me at all. 

I eventually gave up, and moved on. Life only getting worse, last year in October, tensions rose between my Mother and Father and I became concerned about a potential divorce between the two. They were still around but my suspicions became confirmed when my Mother decided to tell them that he can't live anymore and that she has kicked  him out of the house, I barely had the energy anymore to react but I was truly upset about this. My father has been with me all of my entire life up until that point, and to see him leave because of the issues between him and my mother was shattering. I realized now that my life has truly became upside down and now things were never gonna be the same.

Although my dad was kicked out, I am gonna mention an issue that has been plaguing our family for nearly 10 years at this point. My sister and mother have been arguing for years, on a variety of issues. In the past, there has been instances of my sister becoming violently aggressive against my mother and had to be sent to a hospital. She doesn't do this anymore but for a while I always kept anticipating she'll try to do the same again but never did. My father must have grown fed up with this as well. 

My mother decided to move to Veracruz, which I didn't want to go, my mother didn't tell that we were going until the night we went, she already knew I didn't want to go as I told her before and I believed she intentionally kept quiet about this. It took us nearly almost two days to get there, we left the U.S. by bus and took two planes in Mexico, until we arrived at the airport in Veracruz late at night. 

As I expected, I felt a more miserable than before, I didn't like being there, as there was hardly anything here. Like before, I simply stayed in my room and nothing has improved with my family, mother and sister still argued. My life feels worse now since I cannot get help I can't seek, as for one I can't speak Spanish pretty well. 

I still made 1 or 2 mistakes here and there, not to innocent ones admittedly but no one was harmed, I freaked out and panicked when I did these mistakes too. And wondered why I did them. After 3 months, we moved to another house, we stayed there for roughly the same but moved in late may, and moved to the house we currently live in for over a few months at this point. I was slightly starting to feel better now, as for months things went with out incident, besides one incident. But unfortunately, as for today I still struggle with issues plaguing my mind. Intrusive thoughts as for the past few months has gotten pretty bad too...And I am concerned about whether or not I've done something pretty bad. Again I don't think nor I am not sure if it is right to go into detail but these issues has keep coming back into my mind and stresses me out. 

Anyways, that's my story so far... 

I am currently 21 years old, turning 22 next year in a few months. While I am not currently diagnosed with OCD as of yet, I hope what I am suffering from is OCD. I do suffer a condition that has similar symptoms to OCD, I have ADHD which I was diagnosed at a very young age. But for the entire year that I have been reading and from what I have been told I hopefully think I am suffering from the disorder despite the things I did that happened... 

Even before these obsessions began I've always suffered from sexually intrusive thoughts, for over 3-4 years, this is due to my habit of watching pornography for many years, I discovered when I was still a child and I have been struggling to quit ever since, even to this day. But I am starting to finally take action on this to get my life back. But it has been difficult for me as of now, constant rumination of past events both old and recent, and how it's been weighing down too much in my mind. Too many things need to address thus making it absolutely difficult to move on...