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Feeling suicidal with OCD at the moment


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Hi all, I am really struggling with my OCD at the moment. I don't know what to do.

So basically I was discharged from the community mental health team back at the end of August. My OCD was under control, mental health was better and things seemed positive.

I have been doing well up until around the middle of October, (just before clocks went back and the evenings became darker).

My OCD intrusive thoughts have become really hard to cope and deal with. I don't know what to do anymore.

I accidentally lost control in the bath of myself and I feel disgusting for having done this.

I stayed at Mum's house and I couldn't find any of the utensils or items I needed to cook dinner for her.

Parents say I have become more aggressive recently. 

I have been trying to come off Paroxetine and it has been causing severe physical side affects.

 

I am  dreaming about doing my OCD compulsions, can't sleep because I want to do them but I know doing the compulsions won't fix or change anything. I am sick and tired of these intrusive thoughts. I hate the fact that that OCD brain is saying just do the compulsions, (it takes around 12 hours in one go), and you will feel so much better and no longer suicidal.

I don't want to live like this, I can't go on and I don't want to give into the compulsions. I struggle around perfectionism. I am not perfect, no matter how hard I try.

Sorry guys for this being all over the place, just had enough of life at the moment. :(

All I am doing is sleeping, waking up, doing a bit of tidying and going back to sleep. Life has lost its fun.

Any advice?

 

Thanks all! 

Edited by OnlyAlex
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You need support coming off the paroxetine if that’s what you are doing so I would phone your CMHT even if you were discharged. Don’t forget you can call the Samaratins if things get really bad.

Edited by daja
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Hey Alex,

just want to send some support your way and also when things got too overwhelming for me this week I texted SHOUT I’m not sure if I can share the number on here but you can google it. I found it really helpful because sometimes it’s difficult to talk and easier to type. They are really supportive.
 

sending you lots of well wishes and you are important to this world ❤️

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Hi Alex,

I am sorry to hear your struggling so much, I don't know a great deal about the medication you mention - are you able to speak with your GP about it? and maybe the CMHT. The Samaritans are always an option as a friendly voice - day and night. 

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21 hours ago, daja said:

You need support coming off the paroxetine if that’s what you are doing so I would phone your CMHT even if you were discharged. Don’t forget you can call the Samaratins if things get really bad.

Thank you, my GP gave me a plan but it's really difficult coming off it. :( 

18 hours ago, Cas24 said:

Hey Alex,

just want to send some support your way and also when things got too overwhelming for me this week I texted SHOUT I’m not sure if I can share the number on here but you can google it. I found it really helpful because sometimes it’s difficult to talk and easier to type. They are really supportive.
 

sending you lots of well wishes and you are important to this world ❤️

Thank you Cas, that's very kind. I might have to. I just feel like it's either I do the compulsions or die. I don't know what to do. Thanks lovely. Am I a disgusting human being? x

6 hours ago, Avo said:

Hi Alex,

I am sorry to hear your struggling so much, I don't know a great deal about the medication you mention - are you able to speak with your GP about it? and maybe the CMHT. The Samaritans are always an option as a friendly voice - day and night. 

Thank you, that's very kind.

 

Thanks all. Just want to do my OCD compulsions. I will feel better after. But I mustn't give in. What's worse? Giving in and feeling better after, even though it takes me 12 hours, or not giving in and feeling low but becoming used to it?

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Just wanted to pop in to say that you've got this, Alex! I've been in and out of AA rooms for years and a way that they describe our addiction is "cunning, baffling, powerful." I absolutely contend that OCD shares those same traits! But we are better than it!!

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Hey Alex,

OCD likes to have it's moments to push through to the forefront of your mind, to make you feel less in control and more under its illusions. It feels horrible because you were feeling better back in August,  and another spike in your OCD now just brings back those same feelings of distress and disappointment.

I'm really sorry you're going through a hard time at the moment. I'm not sure what your specific intrusive thoughts are, but going about dealing with them is the same no matter the thought. The main focus on tackling OCD is not tackling it. Sounds like such a contradiction but it's genuinely the way to face it. Take away its power by not doing compulsions and not ruminating over the thoughts that you do get. Once you have done these things you start to feel the intense anxiety subside over time.

On 30/10/2020 at 20:33, OnlyAlex said:

I am  dreaming about doing my OCD compulsions, can't sleep because I want to do them but I know doing the compulsions won't fix or change anything

This is common, and a lot of people dream about performing their compulsions and experiencing the sensation of fear within the dream. I remember feeling very drained and anxious when waking up from dreams like these.

On 30/10/2020 at 20:33, OnlyAlex said:

I struggle around perfectionism. I am not perfect, no matter how hard I try.

This is an interesting point; interesting because you've hit the nail on the head. None of us are perfect, and aiming for perfection is an unrealistic goal and a goal that will consistently leave you disappointed. Accepting the thoughts as they come in and allowing them to sit with you whilst not performing compulsions; I believe this acceptance comes from accepting that you're not perfect, but human!

On 02/11/2020 at 13:12, OnlyAlex said:

I may have lost the battle this time and carried out my compulsions, but I will not lose the war! 

This is absolutely right, you have done compulsions and you are already aware that this is an OCD no no. This is a good solid position to be in really, because you are aware of the thoughts you are having, you are aware that they are intrusive thoughts, you are aware you are performing compulsions, and you're aware you are ruminating over the thoughts and the compulsions you've done, which is causing you further discomfort. 


Hopefully this can help you somewhat, and keep us updated on your progress :) 

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3 hours ago, BM94 said:

Hey Alex,

OCD likes to have it's moments to push through to the forefront of your mind, to make you feel less in control and more under its illusions. It feels horrible because you were feeling better back in August,  and another spike in your OCD now just brings back those same feelings of distress and disappointment.

I'm really sorry you're going through a hard time at the moment. I'm not sure what your specific intrusive thoughts are, but going about dealing with them is the same no matter the thought. The main focus on tackling OCD is not tackling it. Sounds like such a contradiction but it's genuinely the way to face it. Take away its power by not doing compulsions and not ruminating over the thoughts that you do get. Once you have done these things you start to feel the intense anxiety subside over time.

This is common, and a lot of people dream about performing their compulsions and experiencing the sensation of fear within the dream. I remember feeling very drained and anxious when waking up from dreams like these.

This is an interesting point; interesting because you've hit the nail on the head. None of us are perfect, and aiming for perfection is an unrealistic goal and a goal that will consistently leave you disappointed. Accepting the thoughts as they come in and allowing them to sit with you whilst not performing compulsions; I believe this acceptance comes from accepting that you're not perfect, but human!

This is absolutely right, you have done compulsions and you are already aware that this is an OCD no no. This is a good solid position to be in really, because you are aware of the thoughts you are having, you are aware that they are intrusive thoughts, you are aware you are performing compulsions, and you're aware you are ruminating over the thoughts and the compulsions you've done, which is causing you further discomfort. 


Hopefully this can help you somewhat, and keep us updated on your progress :) 

Hi BM94, thank you so much for your lovely comments, really kind of you - thank you.

It sure does.

No, that's a really good point. It's like the US elections? I can't control who's going to win tonight, so I may as well not worry about it, rather than watching the news all night and making predictions and getting absorbed. Is that a fair comparison?

Thank you for letting me know I am not alone in experiencing dreams of OCD - sorry to hear you have experienced this too.

Thank you. Every day something goes wrong, it's life as you say! 

Thank you so much BM94, it's about making the final hurdle as I have done the hard part as you basically put of recognising and being aware of the OCD.

How are you? :)

Thank you again! 

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