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My boyfriend has severe OCD. HELP


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Hi, so I really need some help and guidance.

My boyfriend is 23 and suffers badly with OCD. We've been together 5 years now and when he first told me about his OCD and how we wouldn't last due to it I laughed it off but seeing it develop over the years has made me realise its serious and we need help. It all started with him asking for reassurance with our relationship and whether I actually wanted to be with him. It moved on to him counting things whilst organising everything in his bedroom (he still does this now). He now cant use his phone or ipad as he feels like they aren't set up properly. He's replaced his phone 6 times in 3 month due to it not being used and he feels like they are broke because they are just sat on his desk. He said its mentally draining him that he can't set them up because it takes 6 hours to set each device up as he has to read everything letter by letter out loud. Even if he sets it up he will say it doesn't feel right. He's been backwards and forwards to the GP who have given him tablets, tried cbd and given him a mental health nurse but none of this is working. I'm really worried about him and want to help but now he's so in denial that anything will work. He also has health anxiety which is worrying because he constantly needs reassurance that there's nothing wrong with him. What else can we do?! It might not sound that bad but its worse than i thought it could ever be and I want to support him but ive ran out of options.

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Hi Cici

Firstly, I am really sorry to hear that your boyfriend is struggling so much with OCD.

I have a son the same age as your boyfriend and I know how difficult it is to see someone suffer and how draining and frightening it is for you.

My initial thoughts are get him back to the GP as soon as you can (and I appreciate with Covid that might be tricky but you need to get him seen).  I would tell your boyfriend that when he makes the appointment to ask if there is someone at the surgery who has a good understanding of OCD (it is surprising that many GPs do not fully understand the condition).  It can take several attempts to get the medication right and so it is worth discussing with the GP and pushing for a referral to a psychiatrist.

CBT seems to be the most effective treatment (and ERP) for OCD.  And just because he has tried it and it has not "worked" is not a reason to give up on that treatment.  I know from my sons experience it can take many, many attempts to find the right therapist.  Once you find a therapist that your boyfriend is comfortable with, trusts and "clicks" with, he may be more open to the CBT and find it helps enormously.  

Asking for reassurance is a very common part of OCD and can become a compulsion/ritual (just like excessive handwashing).  Unfortunately, asking for reassurance can keep an OCD obsession going.  As it never feels quite "right" and so they continue to ask......and ask......and ask......  

This will sound really harsh but if you can try to resist giving excessive reassurance (and trust me this is easier said than done).  Remind him that reassurance does not help and you badly want him to get better so ask what else you can do to help instead? Maybe watch a favourite movie, go for a walk, cook a meal together, anything that might shift his focus (even for a short time) until the urge for reassurance passes.

Having said that, it is really difficult. 

My son's excessive need for reassurance was so out of hand during the last lockdown that we agreed to stop completely was cruel, but we decided that we had to find a way to reduce it. 

Frankly it was driving me and my husband up the wall and was not helping him!

So, we set targets.  Agreed that he could have X amount of times he could ask for reassurance. 

It had become a bad habit that he couldn't stop and constantly asking was feeding his OCD.  Once we'd agreed a set amount of times per day he could ask for reassurance, he sort of "saved" asking only for those times when he really needed it. 

On other occasions he'd try and push through the anxiety and resist asking, which made him realise although he felt anxious, that anxiety subsided if he just gave it time to pass and tried to focus on doing something else until it did.  It's not a perfect solution but it can be a good starting point.  He still asks and I do my best to resist.  But it has come down from 100s of times per day to maybe a couple of times a week.

I know everyone says this but it does work - get the basics right if you can, exercise, eat well and get plenty of sleep. Even a short walk in the rain can work wonders!

I would also try and persuade him to look at this website, educating himself about his condition will help.  Seeing that he is not alone may also bring him some comfort.  There are weekly zoom meetings that you and he can participate in.  You don't have to join in, you can keep your camera off and just listen to other peoples suggestions of what works, what doesn't and get advice and support.

And finally, please, please look after yourself.  It is incredibly stressful to look after someone with such a seriously mental health disorder.  So seek out support from friends and family, take time out for yourself if you can (this is not selfish it is essential for your own mental health).

I hope this might help just a little bit - YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND NEITHER IS YOUR BOYFRIEND - THERE IS WHOLE COMMUNITY OUT THERE THAT UNDERSTANDs AND CAN HELP.

All the best.

 

 

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2 hours ago, baker said:

Hi Cici

Firstly, I am really sorry to hear that your boyfriend is struggling so much with OCD.

I have a son the same age as your boyfriend and I know how difficult it is to see someone suffer and how draining and frightening it is for you.

My initial thoughts are get him back to the GP as soon as you can (and I appreciate with Covid that might be tricky but you need to get him seen).  I would tell your boyfriend that when he makes the appointment to ask if there is someone at the surgery who has a good understanding of OCD (it is surprising that many GPs do not fully understand the condition).  It can take several attempts to get the medication right and so it is worth discussing with the GP and pushing for a referral to a psychiatrist.

CBT seems to be the most effective treatment (and ERP) for OCD.  And just because he has tried it and it has not "worked" is not a reason to give up on that treatment.  I know from my sons experience it can take many, many attempts to find the right therapist.  Once you find a therapist that your boyfriend is comfortable with, trusts and "clicks" with, he may be more open to the CBT and find it helps enormously.  

Asking for reassurance is a very common part of OCD and can become a compulsion/ritual (just like excessive handwashing).  Unfortunately, asking for reassurance can keep an OCD obsession going.  As it never feels quite "right" and so they continue to ask......and ask......and ask......  

This will sound really harsh but if you can try to resist giving excessive reassurance (and trust me this is easier said than done).  Remind him that reassurance does not help and you badly want him to get better so ask what else you can do to help instead? Maybe watch a favourite movie, go for a walk, cook a meal together, anything that might shift his focus (even for a short time) until the urge for reassurance passes.

Having said that, it is really difficult. 

My son's excessive need for reassurance was so out of hand during the last lockdown that we agreed to stop completely was cruel, but we decided that we had to find a way to reduce it. 

Frankly it was driving me and my husband up the wall and was not helping him!

So, we set targets.  Agreed that he could have X amount of times he could ask for reassurance. 

It had become a bad habit that he couldn't stop and constantly asking was feeding his OCD.  Once we'd agreed a set amount of times per day he could ask for reassurance, he sort of "saved" asking only for those times when he really needed it. 

On other occasions he'd try and push through the anxiety and resist asking, which made him realise although he felt anxious, that anxiety subsided if he just gave it time to pass and tried to focus on doing something else until it did.  It's not a perfect solution but it can be a good starting point.  He still asks and I do my best to resist.  But it has come down from 100s of times per day to maybe a couple of times a week.

I know everyone says this but it does work - get the basics right if you can, exercise, eat well and get plenty of sleep. Even a short walk in the rain can work wonders!

I would also try and persuade him to look at this website, educating himself about his condition will help.  Seeing that he is not alone may also bring him some comfort.  There are weekly zoom meetings that you and he can participate in.  You don't have to join in, you can keep your camera off and just listen to other peoples suggestions of what works, what doesn't and get advice and support.

And finally, please, please look after yourself.  It is incredibly stressful to look after someone with such a seriously mental health disorder.  So seek out support from friends and family, take time out for yourself if you can (this is not selfish it is essential for your own mental health).

I hope this might help just a little bit - YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND NEITHER IS YOUR BOYFRIEND - THERE IS WHOLE COMMUNITY OUT THERE THAT UNDERSTANDs AND CAN HELP.

All the best.

 

 

Thankyou so much!!! I've been saying about a psychiatrist for ages now but he's determined it won't work. You've finally given me some hope.

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Hi Cici :)

I can't add a huge amount to Baker's excellent advice :)

It does sound like your boyfriend is really struggling at the moment and I completely understand that he doesn't feel therapy will work. Unfortunately some of the CBT offered on the NHS isn't as good as it should be and it is not at all uncommon for sufferers to see two or three therapists before finding one with the right approach or expertise to help them. So I encourage your boyfriend to try therapy again, despite thinking it won't work. Has he had one round of therapy only? Was that through his local IAPT?

If your boyfriend would like to look into joining one of our online support groups, he can register for them here https://www.ocduk.org/support-groups/zoom/

Gemma :)

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