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I guess I have no limits


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First off, I apologise for starting a new thread in such a short time. Also, I apologise for the length of this post as I already know it's going to be quite long and boring, but I need your help with this one as well. Thank you in advance for reading this and being here for me. 

Okay. So some of you probably know that I've been struggling with memories and negative feelings related to some past events. This post is not about that but about something different. 

Okay, here goes. I work at morrisons and now they have hired lots of new people. Some of them are quite young, such as 17, 18 and 19 (I don't exactly know their age but that's a guess). Well, in the past couple of days I've had short and work related conversations with 3 of those lads. So far everything seems normal. But here goes the weird, disgusting part. I think I enjoyed the conversations in a sick way - and by that I mean that I think I was being flirty, at least with one of them, as well as liked the attention they gave me. 

When I came home I started analysing how I behaved around them. And I realised that I'm a sick person. I don't know how old they are. What if they are 17 or 18? And on top of that, I've disrespected my boyfriend by being flirty with someone else. 

That's not all. While I was trying to fall asleep last night, I had a thought that if currently I hadn't been in a relationship, I would have been okay with dating a 17 years old guy (I'm 22). The part that freaked me out was that I completely agreed with the thought, and no matter how hard I tried to tell myself that I don't believe in that, I still felt like I agreed with it. When I woke up this morning I went back to check if I still agreed with the thought and unfortunately I did very much and it felt like I find nothing wrong with that.  

I don't know what to do with all this. I haven't managed to calm down since this morning even though I had lots of things to do. I feel like a freak. I flirted with a guy who is probably much younger than me. I disrespected my boyfriend (despite the fact that I love and admire him so much!). And I had disgusting thoughts about people younger than me. 

I'm supposed to see my boyfriend in a bit. But I feel so sick. Please, help me. 

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Cora, you seriously need to relax and stop taking life so seriously! Try to look rationally at what you are saying - I had a flirty conversation with someone 5 years younger than me, I am a freak! Wow what about all those people who marry someone who is 20, even 30 years younger, what does that make them? And so what if you're in a relationship? Do you think people in relationships never have flirty conversations with other people. Seriously, chill out! And you honestly need to stop starting these new threads with new confessions. I mean, you say you understand the advice people give you, but you seem to just disregard it anyway and go on with your own train of thought. I'm sorry Cora, I know this is a bit harsh, I really don't mean it that way, but I just wanted to point it out!! :hug:

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My parents and brother are back home from their holiday, if you can call it so, and things are back to normal unfortunately. I will be self isolating together with them for the next 2 weeks, which, as exaggerated as this sounds, will be one of my worst nightmares.

I can already feel how all my crippling fears are slowly coming back.
As soon as I got home from my boyfriend's yesterday I started having all those feelings again. I looked at my brother and I felt attracted to him. He gave me a hug and I felt like I wanted to do something inappropriate. I saw him and mum playing and cuddling and I felt aroused; all I could feel and think was of a sexual nature. 

On top of all this, I feel evil because it seems that I am capable and have a desire of doing only bad, terrible things - anything from throwing a rock at someone to abusing my family, including my boyfriend and brother. I really can't describe what's going on inside me but any time I hear someone talking about something bad my mind goes like this: "I would love to do that, too!" or "Would I be okay with doing such a disgusting thing? Of course I would!". It's something evil and disgusting. 

I also feel like I am attracted to animals. If I see someone walking their dog outside, I feel something weird in my body. If I see a cute video about a dog or cat on youtube or  instagram, I feel something weird in my body. I start ruminating and asking myself lots of questions but I can find no answers. 

I'm beginning to think that there is really no reason for me to be alive anymore. I honestly can't accept that I am this person. I hate every single thing about me, every cell and blood vessel, what I do and how I think, everything. My boyfriend and the fear of hurting him are the only reasons why I'm still alive. As I've said before, I'm a monster. 

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Also, now that my brother is back home, my guilt and shame about some past events are back too.

I've shared on here about how I impulsively kissed my brother on the cheek right after having a sexual thought/feeling. It happend 3 or 4 times. I don't know why I did such things. (I honestly don't know how you still think I'm not a child abuser after sharing so many disgusting stories, including the one with my baby cousin.) 

I've talked about this with my boyfriend before. He said that it's probably pure coincidence, but I'm more than sure that it's not; it's not a coincidence, I did kiss my brother as an impulse.
Now I have this terrible urge to confess to my boyfriend once again because I feel like he doesn't know the whole story, and he needs to, he needs to know all the details. But I can't confess, I've done it so many times that he'll probably get frustrated, even though he is the kindest and calmest person I know.

I'm honestly so tired. I've been going from one thing to another for such a long time. And I can't even shut down these feelings of guilt, shame and disgust no matter how hard I try.

Edited by Cora
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5 hours ago, Cora said:

Also, now that my brother is back home, my guilt and shame about some past events are back too.

I've shared on here about how I impulsively kissed my brother on the cheek right after having a sexual thought/feeling. It happend 3 or 4 times. I don't know why I did such things. (I honestly don't know how you still think I'm not a child abuser after sharing so many disgusting stories, including the one with my baby cousin.) 

I've talked about this with my boyfriend before. He said that it's probably pure coincidence, but I'm more than sure that it's not; it's not a coincidence, I did kiss my brother as an impulse.
Now I have this terrible urge to confess to my boyfriend once again because I feel like he doesn't know the whole story, and he needs to, he needs to know all the details. But I can't confess, I've done it so many times that he'll probably get frustrated, even though he is the kindest and calmest person I know.

I'm honestly so tired. I've been going from one thing to another for such a long time. And I can't even shut down these feelings of guilt, shame and disgust no matter how hard I try.

Because you are trying. You need to leave the thoughts and feelings alone, not fight against them.

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Cora, surely you have to have some awareness of how unrealistic your problems are. So you're attracted to your brother, all children, your mother and animals? and also you want to throw rocks at strangers and abuse the people close to you? That profile just doesn't even make sense.

You keep asking what is happening to you and literally everyone says it's OCD - professionals and other people who have OCD. Don't you think that it's a bit more realistic that your problem is OCD? The simplest solution is usually the correct one and what you're describing just sounds too disjointed to be anything else. Especially when OCD very commonly involves intrusive sexual thoughts and feelings and also harm related urges. I know it's pointless trying to convince you because you won't believe me, but a part of you must have some awareness of this.

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Once again, thank you for your help, @malina and @PolarBear

Yes, I guess it is more realistic to say that my problem could be/it is OCD. But then why do I have bad thoughts about every single thing and every single person in my life? I guess I could understand that it is OCD if the thoughts were only about a certain subject. Or if it shifted from one subject to another. But in my case the thoughts I have are about 10 different subjects at the same time - how messed can I be?! 

I'm sorry if I'm being confusing or don't make much sense. 

Once again, thank you! 

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52 minutes ago, Cora said:

Once again, thank you for your help, @malina and @PolarBear

Yes, I guess it is more realistic to say that my problem could be/it is OCD. But then why do I have bad thoughts about every single thing and every single person in my life? I guess I could understand that it is OCD if the thoughts were only about a certain subject. Or if it shifted from one subject to another. But in my case the thoughts I have are about 10 different subjects at the same time - how messed can I be?! 

I'm sorry if I'm being confusing or don't make much sense. 

Once again, thank you! 

What gives you the idea that OCD is only focused on a certain subject? You make these statements about what counts as OCD and what doesn’t but it sounds like either you don’t know very much about it or, as a compulsion, you are trying to seek out ways why your problem is different. 

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1 hour ago, Cora said:

But in my case the thoughts I have are about 10 different subjects at the same time - how messed can I be?! 

This is not uncommon either!

I went through a particularly bad period where I had several different themes all running at the same time! I literally tied myself up in knots with compulsions, & was even carrying out compulsions for things days later because of a backlog!

Any news on the psychiatric referral?  

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You will probably call me crazy and stop replying to my posts, which I completely undertand, because this is another confession but I honestly feel very bad and need help. 

Earlier I was staying with my brother in the living room. I think he is a really cute and sweet child; I was looking at him, probably more like staring, and felt like I wanted to give him a kiss on the cheek, and a couple of seconds later I did. But immediately after that I started panicking and wondering why I did it; did I do it because I love him and think he is cute or because I'm attracted to him? The kiss was like an impulse but not a bad one, but it still was weird and I felt weird after that as well. 

Any touch from my brother comes with a true arousal or a very similar sensation to arousal. Because of that I can't even look at him and see him as my brother; I've ruined out relationship as everything related to him has to be sexual now - because of me and my stupid, ****** up brain. 

Something else happened. As I've mentioned before, my parents had to go back to our country to resolve some important issues. When they came back they brought some old pictures, including some of when I was a child. I thought the pictures were sweet and decided to show them to my boyfriend. After I got a reply from him saying that I looked sweet when I was a child, I immediately had the following thought: "It's really good that he thinks that, maybe he is now attracted to my child version, which sounds awesome." I immediately freaked out and locked myself in the bathroom, trying to understand what that was, mostly because the thought wasn't intrusive. I tried to argue with myself and convince myself that I don't want my boyfriend to be attracted to me when I was a child, and that it's so disgusting to have such terrible thoughts about the person whom you love and admire so much, but I still agreed with the thought. 

Frankly, I feel like I'm going crazy. If this is OCD, why does it come in this form? Why does it make me want to rip my skin off or cut myself until I bleed to death? And is it even OCD if the thought is brought by yourself on purpose? I hate myself and all I want is to disappear from this world. 

Edited by Cora
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Cora, I'm going to repeat myself, but it's important.

Stop telling us that we'll think you are crazy and that we'll stop replying to yo your posts when we read your post. You've tried that many times and it hasn't worked. It won't work this time and it won't work next week. Trust me that you saying these things is a compulsion and is only serving to keep you stuck. Take back a little control and stop doing this. Tell us what you must but don't presuppose you know how we will react. You've been wrong every time so far. That should tell you something.

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10 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Stop telling us that we'll think you are crazy and that we'll stop replying to yo your posts when we read your post. You've tried that many times and it hasn't worked. It won't work this time and it won't work next week. Trust me that you saying these things is a compulsion and is only serving to keep you stuck. Take back a little control and stop doing this. Tell us what you must but don't presuppose you know how we will react. You've been wrong every time so far. That should tell you something.

Hi @Cora, I want to emphasize (thus repeating him again) what PolarBear says here because it is spot on.  
I understand you feel like your situation might be/is different.  Trust us when we tell you it's not.  We've all felt it before, heard it before, or both.
Nothing you have shared so far has shocked us, surprised us, scared us, etc.  Its totally run of the mill OCD.  Don't get me wrong, run of the mill OCD is painful and hard.  Dealing with it is obviously causing you a lot of distress.  Dealing with it isn't easy.  But its doable.  We can help you, but you have to be the one who does the work.  It takes time and effort and doing things you won't want to do, but its worth it.  Trust us.  

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@dksea and @PolarBear, I'm really sorry for the following. 

I got up from my bed for a sec and went to the living room. There were my mum and brother. My brother was wearing his pjs but no underwear so you could easily see the shape of his bottom and the other intimate part. He was trying to hug me and tell me not to go back to my room, as that was my plan. While I was playfully pushing him way, I felt a very strong attraction with tons of sensations in my body. Immediately after I felt like I wanted to touch his bottom and private parts in a very inappropriate way. I got back to my room and my brother followed me. While I was trying to close the door and tell him to go, I once again felt that very very strong attraction. When he left I laid back on bed. While trying to fall back asleep and forget about how terrifying all that was, I felt a strong arousal. The worst part is yet to come. Unfortunately I engaged with that arousal in a disgusting way and felt how I was seconds away from having a fantasy involving my brother. I stopped that from happening but I felt like I only did it because I didn't want to feel bad afterwards, but not because I thought it was a bad thing to think about.

I need help asap because I am so so sick. I even texted my boyfriend about what happened but I'm so scared to read his reply when he wakes up. 

I really feel like I want to do something inappropriate. And I feel like nothing can stop me, so I will probably end up doing it. I feel like I want to grab my brother's bottom and private area for sexual reasons. I feel a very sick and disturbing attraction towards him, and it just hit me how real it is. 

I'm scared to leave my room and see my brother again. I don't want to feel that attraction and those urges. I really don't. But I know as soon as I step out of this room they'll be back. This is so scary.

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14 hours ago, Cora said:

Frankly, I feel like I'm going crazy. If this is OCD, why does it come in this form? Why does it make me want to rip my skin off or cut myself until I bleed to death? And is it even OCD if the thought is brought by yourself on purpose? I hate myself and all I want is to disappear from this world. 

This is the question I have asked myself so many times - why this?! And believe me, I sometimes thought that I'd rather have other types of OCD symptoms, because anything (even this sexual related stuff that you are experiencing) seems easier to me. I'm sorry to say that, I in no way mean to diminish your experience, I know this is the hardest thing in the world for you and other people experiencing it, but it's sometimes how I have felt. OCD isn't a joke, people think "anxiety disorder, so you're just a bit fearful"...but it's so much more than that! Why do you think people are coming to this forum day in, day out. This pure agony, shame and self-hatred that you feel is sadly so common.

I have read all of your confessions up to now and nothing has changed my mind about you. All I see is a lovely and sweet young woman who loves her family and is deeply suffering. I'm worried about you, I wish that you would be more pushy with your GP to see a psychiatrist. And I wish that you would absorb the advice we are giving you - I know that you read it and understand, but you're not internalising it. It's not your fault though, you're just overwhelmed, and that is why I think you need to see a professional.

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7 hours ago, malina said:

This is the question I have asked myself so many times - why this?! And believe me, I sometimes thought that I'd rather have other types of OCD symptoms, because anything (even this sexual related stuff that you are experiencing) seems easier to me. I'm sorry to say that, I in no way mean to diminish your experience, I know this is the hardest thing in the world for you and other people experiencing it, but it's sometimes how I have felt. OCD isn't a joke, people think "anxiety disorder, so you're just a bit fearful"...but it's so much more than that! Why do you think people are coming to this forum day in, day out. This pure agony, shame and self-hatred that you feel is sadly so common.

I have read all of your confessions up to now and nothing has changed my mind about you. All I see is a lovely and sweet young woman who loves her family and is deeply suffering. I'm worried about you, I wish that you would be more pushy with your GP to see a psychiatrist. And I wish that you would absorb the advice we are giving you - I know that you read it and understand, but you're not internalising it. It's not your fault though, you're just overwhelmed, and that is why I think you need to see a professional.

@malina, thank you so so much for being here for me and caring. It means the world to me! 

I'm just so confused and terrified because what happened this morning never happened before. I don't think I can explain it, but it was something absolutely different. And yes, I know that I say that all the time - that everything seems different than the last time, but what happened today didn't seem OCD related at all, it seemed real and normal, like any other feeling I find normal, such my love and attraction for my boyfriend. 

It slowly faded away during the day and I'm trying my best not to think about it, but it's still there. And I feel like something much worse will happen at some point. Maybe later in the evening, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, but I'm more than convinced that I will feel something much worse than this morning in the near future. But I really don't want that to happen. I would give anything to avoid feeling like that again. 

I realise how selfish this is, but it's the truth. I loved it when my parents and brother were away and I was alone. That's why I can't wait to move out. This is a nightmare for me. As cruel and harsh as this sounds, I don't want to live under the same roof with my brother anymore, or even have children when I'm older. 

I realise that I need help but I'm not sure how someone like me can be helped. Everything I'm experiencing is so odd and different that what it is written in the books.

I truly feel disgusted and ashamed. I've started feeling suicidal again, and I think this time I'm really trying to block all the reasons I should stay alive for because if this gets worse, I want to able to actually end it without hesitating.

Once again, thank you, malina, for all your help and support! 

Edited by Cora
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1 hour ago, Cora said:

@malina, thank you so so much for being here for me and caring. It means the world to me! 

I'm just so confused and terrified because what happened this morning never happened before. I don't think I can explain it, but it was something absolutely different. And yes, I know that I say that all the time - that everything seems different than the last time, but what happened today didn't seem OCD related at all, it seemed real and normal, like any other feeling I find normal, such my love and attraction for my boyfriend. 

It slowly faded away during the day and I'm trying my best not to think about it, but it's still there. And I feel like something much worse will happen at some point. Maybe later in the evening, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, but I'm more than convinced that I will feel something much worse than this morning in the near future. But I really don't want that to happen. I would give anything to avoid feeling like that again. 

I realise how selfish this is, but it's the truth. I loved it when my parents and brother were away and I was alone. That's why I can't wait to move out. This is a nightmare for me. As cruel and harsh as this sounds, I don't want to live under the same roof with my brother anymore, or even have children when I'm older. 

I realise that I need help but I'm not sure how someone like me can be helped. Everything I'm experiencing is so odd and different that what it is written in the books.

I truly feel disgusted and ashamed. I've started feeling suicidal again, and I think this time I'm really trying to block all the reasons I should stay alive for because if this gets worse, I want to able to actually end it without hesitating.

Once again, thank you, malina, for all your help and support! 

Cora, if you feel this way, please please call A&E. That is all I can tell you right now, you are important and you deserve to be happy and get better, but you won't do it alone, without help. You say that you can't see how someone like you can be helped, but you haven't even tried! 

I've told you this before I'm sure, but when I was in my early 20s, my entire world came crashing down because of OCD. Because my fear is about self harm, rather than harming others, I was terrified to be alone in my room because I thought that I was going to grab something and hurt myself at any moment. Everywhere I went, I saw potential ways to hurt myself and had very strong urges to do so - it was like living in a horror film and there seemed to be no safety, I felt completely and utterly out of control. I felt it all night, during lectures, when I was walking around outside, when I was eating. No break from this at all. I hope this isn't triggering for anyone, I just wanted to describe my experience to tell you that I really know what living this nightmare feels like. 

But you know what, I never lost control and neither will you. I also made a decision to never give up, because life is too precious. It has gotten so much better since then, it took a lot of work but it was worth it. 

I know that for you it's more difficult because of the shame that comes with the sexual nature of your thoughts and that it's directed at someone else. But regardless, what you are experiencing is not odd and it's not different from what is written in the books. I mean, how many medical books have you ever read to know how it is even described? You are just telling yourself this because you have a compulsion to believe that your feelings are not OCD and that you are somehow an anomaly, but you're really not. 

One final piece of info for you - in your last thread someone talked about ERP and this is truly what you need. You try to avoid your brother, but you need to be doing the opposite if you want to get better. You are trying to avoid these awful feelings, but the more you fear them, the stronger they will come. 

So come on Cora - what is stopping you from calling your GP and telling them that you need to see a psychiatrist NOW! That you are suffering and you can't cope or wait. 

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1 hour ago, Cora said:

I realise how selfish this is, but it's the truth. I loved it when my parents and brother were away and I was alone. That's why I can't wait to move out. This is a nightmare for me. As cruel and harsh as this sounds, I don't want to live under the same roof with my brother anymore, or even have children when I'm older.

And it's absolutely not selfish to love having your home to yourself, for whatever reason. Sometimes I just can't wait for my partner to leave so I can have the place to myself ?

You really need to stop taking things so seriously, you're allowed to be selfish sometimes and you shouldn't apologise for it. That is not an OCD thing, it's a life lesson, people are selfish and we all deserve to be from time to time. No need to try being perfect! 

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20 minutes ago, malina said:

Cora, if you feel this way, please please call A&E. That is all I can tell you right now, you are important and you deserve to be happy and get better, but you won't do it alone, without help. You say that you can't see how someone like you can be helped, but you haven't even tried! 

I've told you this before I'm sure, but when I was in my early 20s, my entire world came crashing down because of OCD. Because my fear is about self harm, rather than harming others, I was terrified to be alone in my room because I thought that I was going to grab something and hurt myself at any moment. Everywhere I went, I saw potential ways to hurt myself and had very strong urges to do so - it was like living in a horror film and there seemed to be no safety, I felt completely and utterly out of control. I felt it all night, during lectures, when I was walking around outside, when I was eating. No break from this at all. I hope this isn't triggering for anyone, I just wanted to describe my experience to tell you that I really know what living this nightmare feels like. 

But you know what, I never lost control and neither will you. I also made a decision to never give up, because life is too precious. It has gotten so much better since then, it took a lot of work but it was worth it. 

I know that for you it's more difficult because of the shame that comes with the sexual nature of your thoughts and that it's directed at someone else. But regardless, what you are experiencing is not odd and it's not different from what is written in the books. I mean, how many medical books have you ever read to know how it is even described? You are just telling yourself this because you have a compulsion to believe that your feelings are not OCD and that you are somehow an anomaly, but you're really not. 

One final piece of info for you - in your last thread someone talked about ERP and this is truly what you need. You try to avoid your brother, but you need to be doing the opposite if you want to get better. You are trying to avoid these awful feelings, but the more you fear them, the stronger they will come. 

So come on Cora - what is stopping you from calling your GP and telling them that you need to see a psychiatrist NOW! That you are suffering and you can't cope or wait. 

Thank you, @malina

I'm really happy things are much better for you. I hope I'll be there one day as well. 

I'm currently not feeling well so tomorrow morning, as soon as I wake up, I will ring the GP.

I really feel like there is no hope for me. I keep going back and thinking about my behaviour. I want to cry so bad to let it out but I can't even do that. 

Edited by Cora
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10 minutes ago, malina said:

And it's absolutely not selfish to love having your home to yourself, for whatever reason. Sometimes I just can't wait for my partner to leave so I can have the place to myself ?

You really need to stop taking things so seriously, you're allowed to be selfish sometimes and you shouldn't apologise for it. That is not an OCD thing, it's a life lesson, people are selfish and we all deserve to be from time to time. No need to try being perfect! 

Thank you for this advice as well, malina. 

I only said I was selfish because that's how my mum made me feel when I talked to her about moving out in the near future (maybe next year or in two years) - she felt offended and started crying. But I do want to have my own place as soon as possible, and I will try my best to make it happen.  

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23 minutes ago, malina said:

But you know what, I never lost control and neither will you. I also made a decision to never give up, because life is too precious. It has gotten so much better since then, it took a lot of work but it was worth it. 

I know I've said it before and I probably shouldn't repeat myself, especially because I don't know your whole story, but I feel like I've already lost control and hurt two of the most important people in my life, my brother and baby cousin, so there is already a huge difference  between us two, or between any other OCD sufferer and I. And I feel like this is the reason why I'm so stuck. Whenever I feel okay, the crippling guilt and shame are crawling back, especially if I hear someone talk about abuse, incest and paedophilia - and this happens every single time. I can't seem to forgive myself, or even allow myself to move on, because I keep thinking I've done and felt some pretty disturbing and disgusting things, even though people have a different opinion about this. 

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15 minutes ago, Cora said:

I'm really happy things are much better for you. I hope I'll be there one day as well. 

Thanks, Cora. At that time, I used to imagine myself 10 years into the future being much wiser and happier, looking back and feeling proud of surviving that hell. Now 13 years on, I am definitely happier and I am proud, although not sure I can say I'm really wiser ?And now I'm imagining the same thing for you, that when you're older you can look back on all of this and feel proud of yourself for surviving and building a good life. I believe in you and I know you will get there! Life is really a journey and sometimes having these bumps and potholes in the road really does make you appreciate everything so much more. 

Just now, Cora said:

I feel like I've already lost control and hurt two of the most important people in my life, my brother and baby cousin, so there is already a huge difference  between us two, or between any other OCD sufferer and I. 

I know you feel this way, but this is your subjective interpretation of those events. And you have described them so many times and yet you've had a lot of people telling you this wasn't abuse. It's only you who believes that it was, so you're in the minority there. So I don't accept the argument that you are different because you have hurt your brother or your cousin. You can describe these scenarios in a million ways and include every detail possible, your thoughts and urges and intentions and I guarantee it won't change my opinion. 

17 minutes ago, Cora said:

I only said I was selfish because that's how my mum made me feel when I talked to her about moving out in the near future (maybe next year or in two years) - she felt offended and started crying. But I do want to have my own place as soon as possible, and I will try my best to make it happen.  

Well that is just typical mum stuff, bless her. I think a lot of mums just can't take the idea of their child leaving or wanting to live anywhere else, but it's normal to move out when you're an adult, you just have to be gentle with her when the time comes. 

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