I guess I have no limits

[Cora]

Okay, I don't even know how to start his. 

Firstly, I just want to apologise to everyone for being so inconsiderate, especially to @malina, @PolarBear, @dksea and @hazydaze. You all have been trying to help me and I just seem to not wanting to listen to anyone. So I apologise because I'm back here with another story/confession. 

Secondly, I understand if this upsets you. It definitely upsets me. 

Here goes. I was at work today and they brought a new guy in our department, so it was just the two of us working there (usually, there is also my colleague but she didn't come in today). The guy was clearly young - I mean no offense but it was quite visible. He also had a sweet, familiar voice to me. That made my body react (the voice, not that he was young). I felt lots of things at the same time. It was that bad that at some point I was convinced I was attracted to him so I went into panic mod because of two reasons:

1. I have a boyfriend and I love him so I don't want to be having feelings for someone else, and

2. he is probably only 17 or 18. How do I know that? I made the mistake to ask him if he was studying at uni in attempt to snickily find out his age - I know, I truly have no limits, but he said he just finished college. 

Okay, so now I'm back home and I can't stop worrying. What happened there? Am I really attracted to guys who are much younger than me (ew!)? Because this is not the first case when I felt something similar to attraction while being around someone younger. And do I even love my boyfriend? I don't deserve him. It breaks my heart when he says he loves me but I do this behind his back. 

I've tried to move on by telling myself there's nothing important about all this, but I just can't stop this anxiety I'm feeling at the moment; it's actually getting worse. 

I don't know what I'm doing here with this post. I mean, I do want people to say that there is nothing wrong about it, but there definitely is. I am so awful. 

Thank you for listening. I really had to share this with someone. I can't believe I keep making my life miserable by doing such stupid things.

[PolarBear]

All this confessing is not doing you any good. It's a compulsion and it's only making your situation worse.

[Cora]

17 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

All this confessing is not doing you any good. It's a compulsion and it's only making your situation worse.

I agree with you, @PolarBear, but what do I do now? 

[PolarBear]

Hey, if something isn't working for you, you need to change things up.

How about not confessing so much? How about not being down on yoursrlf so much? 

[Cora]

Hi, 

I'm so sorry but I can't seem to stop thinking about what happened last night. I thought sleep would make it go away, but that wasn't the case; as soon as I opened my eyes this morning, I started thinking about last night and feeling so much guilt. 

I really don't know how to manage this. I'm trying to convince myself that I want nothing to do with that guy, or any guy in general, especially the ones younger than me, and that I truly love my boyfriend - all this works for a couple of minutes, but then I go back to ruminating and feeling guilty. Please, help me! 

(I want to add that I do love my boyfriend, and I'm not just trying to force myself to feel love for him. He is my favourite human and I don't want to ever hurt him, or even lose him.)

[Cora]

After an hour or so of ruminating, I now have this urge to confess to my boyfriend. I want to tell him that maybe I was attracted to that guy. But at the same time it breaks my heart only thinking about doing it. I don't want to hurt him. But then if I don't tell him, he'll never know how awful I truly am. 

I have to go to work in 2 hours and I still haven't managed to stop this crippling anxiety. 

Edited November 8, 2020 by Cora

[Cora]

Okay, I've decided. If when I come back home from work I feel as bad as I do now, or even worse, I will definitely tell him. 

[felix4]

1 hour ago, Cora said:

After an hour or so of ruminating, I now have this urge to confess to my boyfriend.

 

1 hour ago, Cora said:

Okay, I've decided. If when I come back home from work I feel as bad as I do now, or even worse, I will definitely tell him. 

 

Or, you could decide not to tell him, & put up with the anxiety for however long it takes for the anxiety to wane, & that particular OCD theme to potentially disappear!

Sorry Cora, but your way = deciding to give in to a new theme literally within the space of 2 hours, & fuelling more OCD! 

Getting over OCD = using exposure response prevention!

[Cora]

1 hour ago, felix4 said:

 

 

Or, you could decide not to tell him, & put up with the anxiety for however long it takes for the anxiety to wane, & that particular OCD theme to potentially disappear!

Sorry Cora, but your way = deciding to give in to a new theme literally within the space of 2 hours, & fuelling more OCD! 

Getting over OCD = using exposure response prevention!

Thanks for replying, @felix4.

But wouldn't that mean that I'm hiding very important stuff from my boyfriend as well as disrespecting him? 

[malina]

Well I think one thing you can try to learn from this experience is that there is a big space between perfect and terrible. I'm sorry to say this, but if you really believe that people who love each other, people in long term relationships or people who are married never have feelings for someone else, you'd be wrong. It's a very human thing and I guarantee that this will continue to happen throughout your life, whether you remain with this particular boyfriend, find someone else, get married or whatever. Aiming to never have feelings of attraction to another person is frankly unrealistic, you're setting an unachievable standard for yourself. This is what we call perfectionism. Is it perfect to have feelings for someone else when you're in a relationship? Probably not. Does not meeting the criteria of perfection make you terrible? No.

So now you have a choice. You can either do what you're doing not - despair when you violate your perfect standards, ruminate, confess to your boyfriend and live in turmoil. Or you can accept that you are just human and get on with your life. If you need to confess every single little thing, your life will be miserable.

[Cora]

10 minutes ago, malina said:

Well I think one thing you can try to learn from this experience is that there is a big space between perfect and terrible. I'm sorry to say this, but if you really believe that people who love each other, people in long term relationships or people who are married never have feelings for someone else, you'd be wrong. It's a very human thing and I guarantee that this will continue to happen throughout your life, whether you remain with this particular boyfriend, find someone else, get married or whatever. Aiming to never have feelings of attraction to another person is frankly unrealistic, you're setting an unachievable standard for yourself. This is what we call perfectionism. Is it perfect to have feelings for someone else when you're in a relationship? Probably not. Does not meeting the criteria of perfection make you terrible? No.

So now you have a choice. You can either do what you're doing not - despair when you violate your perfect standards, ruminate, confess to your boyfriend and live in turmoil. Or you can accept that you are just human and get on with your life. If you need to confess every single little thing, your life will be miserable.

Hi malina, 

No, I definitely don't want to confess every single little thing and making my life by doing so. But there is this part of me that says I'm just a terrible human for having these feelings, especially for someone younger. Of course, the feelings are now gone, I believe, and I'm more than sure I only want to be with my boyfriend, but I still feel pretty guilty. 

Before starting work I was very unwell; my hand and legs were shaking and aching; my stomach was being funny and I felt like crying, but I really don't know if those were symptoms of anxiety or just pure guilt. 

[malina]

22 minutes ago, Cora said:

But there is this part of me that says I'm just a terrible human for having these feelings, especially for someone younger.

Yes and this feeling will continue to be there for some time, that is what OCD is. But if you confess and do other compulsions like ruminate, you will only reinforce this feeling and it will continue to be there for longer. What you really need to do is follow the method that several people, like @ felix4 have brought up, exposure and response prevention (ERP). You have to accept that the feeling is there, and prevent yourself from reacting to it. It's hard, you have to just accept that the anxiety will be there for a while, that it is what it is...and take some breaths and stop yourself from analysing or trying to figure it out and stop yourself from confessing. In fact, don't even try to make yourself feel better or counter this feeling. Just leave it alone and do what you need to do with your evening.

31 minutes ago, Cora said:

Before starting work I was very unwell; my hand and legs were shaking and aching; my stomach was being funny and I felt like crying, but I really don't know if those were symptoms of anxiety or just pure guilt. 

Promise me you'll tell your GP about this on Thursday? You've been describing a few physical symptoms lately, it may be good just to highlight this to make sure the medication is all good and that you're okay.

[Cora]

Thank you so much, malina. I've calmed down a bit thanks to you and felix. 

I will try not to ruminate and analyse what happened, but carry on with my evening instead.

And yes, I promise I will tell the GP about the symptoms. 

Once again, thank you. 

[Hdigtts]

I can confirm from experience that what felix and malina have said is absolutely the right way to go about this. I have had, what seems, very similar thoughts as you are experiencing. It does get better, if you do the right things

[Cora]

14 hours ago, Hdigtts said:

I can confirm from experience that what felix and malina have said is absolutely the right way to go about this. I have had, what seems, very similar thoughts as you are experiencing. It does get better, if you do the right things

Thank you so much for your help, @Hdigtts. 

[Cora]

Hi, 

So it seems that since last night I now have a new obsessions. I'm not that worried about having feelings of attraction for someone else who is not my boyfriend anymore, which is good.
However, I'm now very very worried about how the obsession about being a paedophile started. I really wanted to avoid confessing this time as well, but, once again, I would feel like a fraud if I didn't. But I will try to keep it short.

It all started when I was waiting to pick up my brother from school, outside of his classroom. I was 19 then, almost 20. Five minutes before the teacher let the children out, I saw a boy, who I think was around 9 or 10, assuming the area of the school he was coming from (the school is divided into specifc areas). The boy had a haircut that, to me, seemed quite weird for his age - it maked him look older. He also had an ear piercing. For some reasons, that cathed my eye (I'm really sorry, I realise how creepy this sounds). And, following that, I wanted him to look at me; I probably had this thought: "Oh, this boy is cute. I want him to look at me, maybe in a flirtatious way." Then my brother came out of his classroom and I quickly forgot what happened.

Three months later, at the start of a new academic year, I saw the boy again. His little sister was with my brother in the same class. Once again, I was waiting to pick up my brother. And his mum was next to me, waiting to pick up his sister. The boy came over and started chatting to his mum while waiting. As soon as I saw the boy, my mind went like this:"Oh, no, there is that boy again. I still think he is cute. And maybe even attractive, too! I'm not gonna look at him. I'm not. Oh, my god! Why am I thinking this?" And then... boom... my first groinal response ever happened. And that's how my real hell started.

Last night, while trying to fall asleep, for no reason at all, I started thinking about all this. And then I played a scenario in my head, where I imagined seeing the boy again and asking myself if I still thought he was cute/attractive (maybe that was a compulsion I shouldn't have done). Well, the outcome wasn't good. I felt like I found him attractive. Like a normal attraction. I felt like no matter how hard I tried to deny it, I still found him attractive and wanted him to look at me in a flirtatious way again. I tried to suppress the feeling but all that means is that's it's true. I don't want to think about it anymore because I'm so scared and ashamed, but at the same time I have to think about it. Now I don't know what to do about it. I know I should leave it alone but how can I when it feels so real and normal?! And how I cannot think about it when that happened way before my OCD started?!

I really don't want to think that a 9 year old boy is attractive. Or that I want him to look at me in flirtatious way. But then I still do. Why? Does this mean my core values are actually twisted and sick? Does this mean all this time I've been in denial and lying to myself? 

I keep going back and the feeling is still there. And maybe that means something. Something bad. 

Well, I've done it again. I'm all anxious and stressed. Can't focus on my uni work, which sucks because I really wanted to do something today, at least an hour or two.

I hope you are not frustrated with me for confessing again, but I absolutely understand of you are. Thank you so much for reading this. And I'm sorry for not keeping it short. 

Edited November 9, 2020 by Cora

[Cora]

Also, earlier in the day I kissed my little brother on the lips - I'm sorry if this is disgusting for anyone.

I normally don't kiss my brother on the lips but today I did, as a compulsion. My mum, brother and I were all in the living room chatting and having a nice time. Then mum started talking about my current boyfriend - in a nice way, not gossipy. Then she remembered how I was jokingly learning to kiss when I started dating my first boyfriend (I was 17 then) with my brother who was 3 at that time. I didn't do anything inappropriate, it was more like a joke. But now I realise that it's not funny anymore but rather disgusting and disturbing. 

And that's why I kissed my brother on the lips again - to try and remember how I did it then and if I did anything inappropriate. The outcome was scary. For some reason, I enjoyed the kiss and felt I wanted to do it again. A part of me wants to believe that is was because he's my brother and I think he is really sweet and cute. But I don't know. 

Only after typing this I've realised that actually there are 2 things to worry about: 

- kissed my brother on the lips when he was 3 with a weird intention, even though I'm quite sure I didn't do anything inappropriate (just want to mention that my mum doesn't think I did something disturbing, she actually found it funny). 

- kissed my brother again, enjoying it but not sure in what way - a normal or sick way. 

Yep. You can tell how messed up I am. I know it's pointless, but I'm sorry. 

[Cora]

I'm so sorry but I have to add something else. 

For the past 2 hours I've had this weird urge to kiss my brother on cheek. The urge feels sexual and very weird. I did kiss my brother on the cheek a couple of times; it wasn't with a sexual intention but a compulsion to check how I felt about him and that urge. What have I become?! 

Edited November 9, 2020 by Cora

[felix4]

22 minutes ago, Cora said:

What have I become?! 

Consumed by OCD!

[Cora]

24 minutes ago, felix4 said:

Consumed by OCD!

Maybe, but if you take all my confessions and put them together, you could easily build up the profile of a monster and a criminal. Or at least that's what it looks like to me. 

[OxCD]

29 minutes ago, Cora said:

Maybe, but if you take all my confessions and put them together, you could easily build up the profile of a monster and a criminal. Or at least that's what it looks like to me. 

You never listen @Cora. Same story over and over and over again. I don’t even need to read them any more - I can guess. I’m sorry if it sounds harsh but lots of people including myself have tried to explain it nicely so many times. You need to stop hurting yourself. Only you can stop this. Be strong girl - you can do it. What have you got to lose? Because at the moment things sound pretty cr@ppy.... Try something different.

Edited November 9, 2020 by OxCD

[Cora]

2 minutes ago, OxCD said:

You never listen @Cora. Same story over and over and over again. I don’t even need to read them any more - I can guess. I’m sorry if it sounds harsh but lots of people including myself have tried to explain it nicely so many times. You need to stop hurting yourself. Only you can stop this. Be strong girl - you can do it. What have you got to lose? Because at the moment things sound pretty cr@ppy.... Try something different.

Thank you, @OxCD.

I promise, I do want to be strong and actually do something about it, because it's a nightmare living like this, but every little new thing that happens seems different than the previous one. And that's why I have this immense urge to keep confessing. If I don't confess, I feel like a fraud. 

[OxCD]

1 minute ago, Cora said:

Thank you, @OxCD.

I promise, I do want to be strong and actually do something about it, because it's a nightmare living like this, but every little new thing that happens seems different than the previous one. And that's why I have this immense urge to keep confessing. If I don't confess, I feel like a fraud. 

Feel like a fraud then. But keep doing it. It will get easier and you will eventually wonder what you were even bothered about. You have not got anything to lose.

[Cora]

22 minutes ago, OxCD said:

Feel like a fraud then. But keep doing it. It will get easier and you will eventually wonder what you were even bothered about. You have not got anything to lose.

@OxCD, I don't know if you've read the things I confessed today but it's pretty hard not to be bothered about them. It seems so important to me.

Edited November 9, 2020 by Cora

[OxCD]

10 minutes ago, Cora said:

@OxCD, I don't know if you've read the things I confessed today but it's pretty hard not to be bothered about them. It seems so important to me.

Yes. I skim read the same thing as always. Yes it’s hard. Otherwise no one would have OCD as it’d be easy to cure. You’re going to have to ignore your instincts and take a leap of faith. The path to getting better has been shown to you: only you can walk it. You can do it!

When I was 15 I made my life not worth living as I was afraid of catching HIV. In the end I went f&ck it - it’d be better to have 10 happy years and then die of HIV. Turns out I was totally wrong - it wasn’t a danger and it’s so obvious now. But if I hadn’t left it alone - I would never have realised. Read that. And read it again. That’s what you need to do. Though I didn’t do it quite as instantly as it sounds. But that’s the overall jist.

Edited November 9, 2020 by OxCD