I guess I have no limits

[Hdigtts]

15 minutes ago, Cora said:

@OxCD, I don't know if you've read the things I confessed today but it's pretty hard not to be bothered about them. It seems so important to me.

They are important to you because that is what your OCD is latching on to. 
 

you can see from the reactions that no one else thinks they are a big deal

[malina]

If not confessing makes you feel like a fraud, then you need to practice feeling like a fraud for a little while until the feeling subsides. It's just like what we talked about yesterday, you will feel guilty. It is what it is. Accept it, the crappy and awful feeling is there and that is okay. You know that you have confessed a number of things and literally nobody is the least bit alarmed by anything you have confessed. So there is no more need for confession, whatever little detail your brain decides to come up with will not matter. I read today's confession and I frankly can't be bothered about any of it except how much pain its causing you.

So how about next time you experience this, try to delay confessing. Then see how it feels, write down how it feels. Then just do what you need to do with your day, don't bother trying to make yourself feel better and don't allow yourself to ruminate. Just do something else, go through the motions, engage in something, go for a walk.

Of course it seems important to you and with every confession, you are reinforcing its importance. Time to try letting go for a change.

[PolarBear]

Cora, so long as you keep treating your situation the same old way, you're going to continue to have days like today. Guaranteed. 

[Cora]

Thank you so much for your replies and help, @felix4, @OxCD, @Hdigtts, @malina and @PolarBear! 

I definitely need to do something about my compulsive confessing. Even though I feel very ashamed and guilty almost every time I post on here because of how often I do it, I still feel like I have to do it, but hopefully I will get better. I'm sorry if that won't happen soon though, as I'm in very weird place at the moment. 

Once again, thank you everyone for your help, patience, kindness and support. I really really appreciate all the time you take to help me and be there for me - I couldn't be luckier! 

 

 

Just want to add that I'm also very thankful that although I sound like a true creep any time I post on here, you're still there for me, offering me the greatest support.

Edited November 10, 2020 by Cora

[OxCD]

5 hours ago, Cora said:

Thank you so much for your replies and help, @felix4, @OxCD, @Hdigtts, @malina and @PolarBear! 

I definitely need to do something about my compulsive confessing. Even though I feel very ashamed and guilty almost every time I post on here because of how often I do it, I still feel like I have to do it, but hopefully I will get better. I'm sorry if that won't happen soon though, as I'm in very weird place at the moment. 

Once again, thank you everyone for your help, patience, kindness and support. I really really appreciate all the time you take to help me and be there for me - I couldn't be luckier! 

 

 

Just want to add that I'm also very thankful that although I sound like a true creep any time I post on here, you're still there for me, offering me the greatest support.

@Cora Put your energy into getting yourself better by resisting compulsions. You can do it!

[Cora]

I'm so sorry everyone, I really thought today would be different but I was wrong. I'm here with another confession. 

I had a headache and was sleepy so I decided to take a nap. Two hours later my brother decided to wake me up. As I was sleeping, he kissed me on my lips for some reason. That woke me up, and I kissed him back. But here is the thing. I think I enjoyed the kiss in a very sick way because unfortunately it gave me a feeling that felt 'good'. And now that I'm up I still have that feeling. It's still there and it scares me! 

I went to the living room where my brother and mum were and I saw them being affectionate to each other. But even that I saw it in a sexual way. Again, I had a feeling in my whole body that felt 'good', especially the groinal response. So now I'm wondering why this is happening. 

How can this be OCD if I'm finding sexual pleasure from these things which are meant to pure and normal?

I'm sorry. I'm panicking again. Please, help me! 

Also, I apologise for the details! 

Edited November 10, 2020 by Cora

[Cora]

And I just remembered that as soon as my brother left the room after kissing me on the lips, I felt like I wanted him to kiss me again, which makes me feel so disgusting. 

[PolarBear]

19 hours ago, Cora said:

Thank you so much for your replies and help, @felix4, @OxCD, @Hdigtts, @malina and @PolarBear! 

I definitely need to do something about my compulsive confessing. Even though I feel very ashamed and guilty almost every time I post on here because of how often I do it, I still feel like I have to do it, but hopefully I will get better. I'm sorry if that won't happen soon though, as I'm in very weird place at the moment. 

Once again, thank you everyone for your help, patience, kindness and support. I really really appreciate all the time you take to help me and be there for me - I couldn't be luckier! 

 

 

Just want to add that I'm also very thankful that although I sound like a true creep any time I post on here, you're still there for me, offering me the greatest support.

No, you're wrong. You have never sounded like a true creep. You do sound like someone with OCD.

 

[Bodge]

Cora ..it is all OCD. You are not enjoying these feelings, it's just you are worried that you are. 

You are on the look out for groinal response and so are feeling it when it doesn't mean anything.... it's OCD lying to you xxx

[Cora]

13 minutes ago, Bodge said:

Cora ..it is all OCD. You are not enjoying these feelings, it's just you are worried that you are. 

You are on the look out for groinal response and so are feeling it when it doesn't mean anything.... it's OCD lying to you xxx

I'm so sorry @Bodge, but I definitely enjoyed the feeling, I couldn't be more sure!

[Cora]

The worst thing of all is that I can't change the fact that I enjoyed the feeling, which means I can't change who I am either. 

I don't know how to accept that I had that feeling - I don't want it! 

[felix4]

20 minutes ago, Cora said:

The worst thing of all is that I can't change the fact that I enjoyed the feeling, which means I can't change who I am either. 

I don't know how to accept that I had that feeling - I don't want it! 

With CBT you can! 

OCD is telling you that the typical enjoyable feeling that you get from an innocent affectionate kiss with your little brother is something sinister!

I think I read that you have your appointment coming up on Thursday, is it? Rather than confessing the same old, why not change tack & start jotting down some notes on how you want to discuss getting help & a referral to psychiatry?

[Cora]

12 minutes ago, felix4 said:

OCD is telling you that the typical enjoyable feeling that you get from an innocent affectionate kiss with your little brother is something sinister!

The thing is that I believe I enjoyed the feeling in a sick, perverted way. That's what worries me the most. 

[Cora]

And it also bothers me very much that it feels like I want to experience that feeling again. I was replaying the respective moment in my head and kept getting this weird desire of having the feeling again. I really don't know what I'm supposed to do with this. 

[Cora]

And now, even with a terrible headache, all of a sudden I have the urge to go into my brother's room and molest him. It's like I have to do it. And like I want to do it. 

And the weirdest thing of all is that there's something so familiar about having these urges and enjoying disgusting sensations coming from pure, innocent people and moments - it's like I want to be this person who does all these horrifying things. 

At the moment I don't really have the energy to hate myself for having this urge and enjoying that sensation in a sick way, but I do feel very disgusting and dirty. 

[PolarBear]

So. You are having urges. We call those obsessions. You think you are going to molest your brother. 

The question is, how long will you pay attention to these urges before you realize they are false and full of ****? 

OCD has all the time in the world. If you let it, it will keep playing its sick game forever. Many let OCD have its way for years. Some decades.

 

[Cora]

5 hours ago, Cora said:

I'm so sorry everyone, I really thought today would be different but I was wrong. I'm here with another confession. 

I had a headache and was sleepy so I decided to take a nap. Two hours later my brother decided to wake me up. As I was sleeping, he kissed me on my lips for some reason. That woke me up, and I kissed him back. But here is the thing. I think I enjoyed the kiss in a very sick way because unfortunately it gave me a feeling that felt 'good'. And now that I'm up I still have that feeling. It's still there and it scares me! 

I went to the living room where my brother and mum were and I saw them being affectionate to each other. But even that I saw it in a sexual way. Again, I had a feeling in my whole body that felt 'good', especially the groinal response. So now I'm wondering why this is happening. 

How can this be OCD if I'm finding sexual pleasure from these things which are meant to pure and normal?

I'm sorry. I'm panicking again. Please, help me! 

Also, I apologise for the details! 

I just read this again and it sounds so terrifying. 

I actually typed this out. Can't believe it... 

Not that this changes anything but when I said that I kissed my brother back, I meant that I responded to the kiss while being half asleep. I don't want to say it, but I felt like I was kissing someone I'm attracted to.

Ah, remembering what happened is just so painful and makes me feel like a monster and total creep. And I honestly don't know how people still don't hate me and tell me to go report myself, not even my boyfriend, who knows almost about all the incidents that happened in the past year. 

[Cora]

1 minute ago, PolarBear said:

So. You are having urges. We call those obsessions. You think you are going to molest your brother. 

The question is, how long will you pay attention to these urges before you realize they are false and full of ****? 

OCD has all the time in the world. If you let it, it will keep playing its sick game forever. Many let OCD have its way for years. Some decades.

 

Okay, maybe I can recognise that all these urges are obsessions and maybe deal with them using the correct approach. But what do I do about enjoying the disgusting sensations I feel any time my brother touches me? I can't deal with them. They are not obsessions. They are actual feelings. I really can't describe it, but the way they feel is absolutely terrifying

[Cora]

I just realised how much I've hurt my brother. Not only have I abused him by enjoying the feelings I got from his hugs and kisses in sick ways but also ignored him and made him feel unloved so many damn times. I can see in his eyes that he feels neglected every time I push him away, but there is literally nothing I can do. I don't like being touched by him anymore due to how strongly my body and mind react. And I just feel so bad because I don't want to be like this.

Anything related to him is now sexual and enjoyable in a very perverted way - what kind of sister am I? The amount of things I feel in my body during the day whenever he touches me is just so immense that I would probably need 10 other threads to talk about it. And how disgusting they are! But it seems that I enjoy them - every single once of them! 

For the past 3 days or so he keeps telling me that he is very lucky to have me in his life (which is very weird, it's like he knows I'm suicidal) and although that seems cute, it's not; it makes me feel even more miserable, knowing I've betrayed and hurt him. 

This hurts so much. Knowing you are a monster.

I'm sorry for this irrelevant and selfish post at 5am. I'm tired and hurt and I needed to let all this **** out. 

 

 

Also, it's probably quite selfish and weird to assume this, but if in any case you feel bad for me, please don't. I'm really sorry. I just feel like I don't deserve your kindness and support - I'm too monstrous for that.

Edited November 11, 2020 by Cora

[malina]

4 hours ago, Cora said:

Also, it's probably quite selfish and weird to assume this, but if in any case you feel bad for me, please don't. I'm really sorry. I just feel like I don't deserve your kindness and support - I'm too monstrous for that.

I'm sorry Cora but offering you support is not a simple act of kindness. If I see someone who is suffering so much and going further into the depths of a mental illness, I feel like I should say something. This isn't some act of charity, it just wouldn't sit right with me if I didn't say anything at all.

6 hours ago, Cora said:

Okay, maybe I can recognise that all these urges are obsessions and maybe deal with them using the correct approach. But what do I do about enjoying the disgusting sensations I feel any time my brother touches me? I can't deal with them. They are not obsessions. They are actual feelings. I really can't describe it, but the way they feel is absolutely terrifying

I'm pretty sure we've talked about this before, mental illness can produce physical feelings or sensations. People report phantom pain, hallucinations, etc. I'm no scientist so bare with me here because I want to try to explain the sciency stuff. As I understand it all, sexual arousal is very simple physiologically - there is a rush of blood to the groinal regions, which our brains interpret as positive. In your case, because you have a mental illness, this physical system has gone awry a bit. You have this obsession that you have inappropriate feelings towards your brother. As a consequence of this obsession, when you see your brother and when you're affectionate with him, your body wrongly triggers this physical response or increasing blood flow to the relevant regions of your body. Then your mind gets into complete confusion, because you're experiencing this physical sensation that should be enjoyable but you're also aware that it's directed at your brother, which you find disgusting and don't want. So then sometimes, in this state of confusion, you have periods where it seems like you enjoy it and other times when you are horrified.

Then, you get into a vicious circle. Your obsession is causing your body to create the wrong signals, but then when you get these physical sensations, you do compulsions - you ruminate about them, confess etc. This strengthens the obsession for a simple reason - if you're obsessed with something and you keep thinking and talking about it, you're unlikely to get over the obsession. Strengthening the obsession leads to more physical responses, which leads to more compulsions, which leads to a stronger obsession and so on and on. See a pattern here?

So what can you do? It seems to me that there is little any of us can do about the obsessions and the physical sensations. So what is left - the compulsions. Basically if you try to reduce how much you think and talk about the obsession, you reduce the strength of the obsession, which then reduces the physical feelings and the circle starts to move in the other way.

This is how OCD has been explained to me by the professionals that I have encountered in the last 13 years. I know that you may not believe any of it, but please don't dismiss it.

7 hours ago, Cora said:

And I honestly don't know how people still don't hate me and tell me to go report myself, not even my boyfriend, who knows almost about all the incidents that happened in the past year. 

Well this should tell you something, shouldn't it? If you think something but literally everyone else thinks a different way, do you really think you are right? And please don't start going on about how you have manipulated all of us, because that just couldn't be further from the truth!

So what now? You've had a rough night, you just have to pick yourself up and keep going. That is the only way, we fall and then we get up again and keep moving. Do what you need to do today and get ready for the GP appointment tomorrow. You've got this!

[Cora]

Thank you, @malina. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and help me. I promise, I'm not dismissing anything you say even though that's what it looks like.  

Once again, thank you and I apologise if I'm becoming annoying. 

[PolarBear]

9 hours ago, Cora said:

Okay, maybe I can recognise that all these urges are obsessions and maybe deal with them using the correct approach. But what do I do about enjoying the disgusting sensations I feel any time my brother touches me? I can't deal with them. They are not obsessions. They are actual feelings. I really can't describe it, but the way they feel is absolutely terrifying

Take a breath.

An obsession is an intrusive thought, image, urge, impulse, feeling or sensation or combination thereof. 

See the word 'feeling'? Yes, you can have intrusive feelings. It's just another way that OCD messes with you.

[Cora]

Firstly, I'm really sorry to everyone. I promise, it's not my intention to be disrespectful and inconsiderate. I feel very bad for doing this again. 

Okay, here goes. I was awake all night which unfortunately means I had a lot of time available to think about everything that's going on at the moment. Well, one of the things I thought of and tried to understand was whether I'm attracted to people younger than me. I mentioned before how I'm afraid I'm attracted to some guys at work who are probably 17 or 18. Well, here is the thing. I now strongly believe that I am attracted to them and could be easily  attracted to anyone of that age. 

I even made up a scenario where I imagined I was a teacher and teaching pupils between 16 and 18. And I started to think that I could easily think they are attractive and maybe even wanting to be inappropriate with them due to not being able to control myself. I felt disgusted for having that thought. But it was real. Like I knew that's who I am and what I want. I truly believe I am attracted to people younger than me. I know you'll probably say this is OCD, but I promise, it's not. I felt excited and happy while having the thought. 

I forced myself to fall asleep so I could forget about it. But I guess those 3 hours of sleep didn't help as I expected. 

Again, I'm sorry.  

[Cora]

11 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Take a breath.

An obsession is an intrusive thought, image, urge, impulse, feeling or sensation or combination thereof. 

See the word 'feeling'? Yes, you can have intrusive feelings. It's just another way that OCD messes with you.

Thank you, @PolarBear. 

Okay, that makes sense. But can it go that far where it almost feels like you want to have sex with your brother? I don't think so. 

[malina]

1 minute ago, Cora said:

Okay, that makes sense. But can it go that far where it almost feels like you want to have sex with your brother? I don't think so. 

Yes it CAN go that far! I keep trying to tell you that OCD is a mental illness, look at what mental illness does to people, it can make them feel and believe completely unrealistic and dangerous things.

7 minutes ago, Cora said:

Firstly, I'm really sorry to everyone. I promise, it's not my intention to be disrespectful and inconsiderate. I feel very bad for doing this again. 

Okay, here goes. I was awake all night which unfortunately means I had a lot of time available to think about everything that's going on at the moment. Well, one of the things I thought of and tried to understand was whether I'm attracted to people younger than me. I mentioned before how I'm afraid I'm attracted to some guys at work who are probably 17 or 18. Well, here is the thing. I now strongly believe that I am attracted to them and could be easily  attracted to anyone of that age. 

I even made up a scenario where I imagined I was a teacher and teaching pupils between 16 and 18. And I started to think that I could easily think they are attractive and maybe even wanting to be inappropriate with them due to not being able to control myself. I felt disgusted for having that thought. But it was real. Like I knew that's who I am and what I want. I truly believe I am attracted to people younger than me. I know you'll probably say this is OCD, but I promise, it's not. I felt excited and happy while having the thought. 

I forced myself to fall asleep so I could forget about it. But I guess those 3 hours of sleep didn't help as I expected. 

Again, I'm sorry.  

I really don't want to give you reassurance but at the same time I will say this - You are 22, not 50! Someone who is 17 or 18 is just a few years younger than you and also above the age of consent so I'm really not sure why you're freaking out so much about these guys you work with. The other day I saw a photo of some celebrity's son and thought he was really good looking so I looked him up, turns out he is 16. I'm in my 30s, does that make me a complete pervert? maybe by your standards but I don't think so! You really need to relax so you work with some attractive guys who are a few years younger than you, so what?