I guess I have no limits

[OxCD]

1 hour ago, malina said:

Yes it CAN go that far! I keep trying to tell you that OCD is a mental illness, look at what mental illness does to people, it can make them feel and believe completely unrealistic and dangerous things.

I really don't want to give you reassurance but at the same time I will say this - You are 22, not 50! Someone who is 17 or 18 is just a few years younger than you and also above the age of consent so I'm really not sure why you're freaking out so much about these guys you work with. The other day I saw a photo of some celebrity's son and thought he was really good looking so I looked him up, turns out he is 16. I'm in my 30s, does that make me a complete pervert? maybe by your standards but I don't think so! You really need to relax so you work with some attractive guys who are a few years younger than you, so what?

@Cora This is going round and round in circles. People are being nice but are simply repeating the same things that didn’t go in before. If you carry on you’ll be like this forever. For your sake - you need to stop. Draw a line and be strong. Alternatively - keep torturing yourself.

Edited November 11, 2020 by OxCD

[PolarBear]

7 hours ago, Cora said:

Thank you, @PolarBear. 

Okay, that makes sense. But can it go that far where it almost feels like you want to have sex with your brother? I don't think so. 

Cora, you just don't get it. You have a mental disorder. Just like I did. Just like 100 million people around the world.

Absolutely nothing that you have said indicates your problem is anything but OCD. You are not unique. Your thoughts/urges/feelings are normal and no worse than what I experienced and what millions of others have experienced. 

It's time for you to stop second guessing what we say about your OCD. We know. You don't. It's as simple as that. We collectively have mountains of experience dealing with our OCD and the OCD of others. You don't. So if you want our help, you need to listen to us and acknowledge that we know what we are talking about.

[Cora]

8 hours ago, malina said:

Yes it CAN go that far! I keep trying to tell you that OCD is a mental illness, look at what mental illness does to people, it can make them feel and believe completely unrealistic and dangerous things.

I really don't want to give you reassurance but at the same time I will say this - You are 22, not 50! Someone who is 17 or 18 is just a few years younger than you and also above the age of consent so I'm really not sure why you're freaking out so much about these guys you work with. The other day I saw a photo of some celebrity's son and thought he was really good looking so I looked him up, turns out he is 16. I'm in my 30s, does that make me a complete pervert? maybe by your standards but I don't think so! You really need to relax so you work with some attractive guys who are a few years younger than you, so what?

Thank you, @malina. It makes sense what you're saying. I guess I do need to relax and move on from this. 

[Cora]

6 hours ago, OxCD said:

@Cora This is going round and round in circles. People are being nice but are simply repeating the same things that didn’t go in before. If you carry on you’ll be like this forever. For your sake - you need to stop. Draw a line and be strong. Alternatively - keep torturing yourself.

@OxCD, I don't want to live like this forever but there's also something new and more frightening. 

 

[Cora]

1 hour ago, PolarBear said:

Cora, you just don't get it. You have a mental disorder. Just like I did. Just like 100 million people around the world.

Absolutely nothing that you have said indicates your problem is anything but OCD. You are not unique. Your thoughts/urges/feelings are normal and no worse than what I experienced and what millions of others have experienced. 

It's time for you to stop second guessing what we say about your OCD. We know. You don't. It's as simple as that. We collectively have mountains of experience dealing with our OCD and the OCD of others. You don't. So if you want our help, you need to listen to us and acknowledge that we know what we are talking about.

@PolarBear, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to second guess you. I don't think that was my intention. 

[OxCD]

6 minutes ago, Cora said:

@OxCD, I don't want to live like this forever but there's also something new and more frightening. 

 

Fine. Don’t tell us. Live with the anxiety for a bit. Just grit your teeth. You’ve got this - you can hold it in and see what happens over time.

Edited November 11, 2020 by OxCD

[Cora]

Please, please don't be mad at me. I'm really sorry. I did something stupid again. My brother was hugging and while trying to give me a kiss on the cheek our lips touched. Then I immediately felt something in my body. And because of that I wanted to kiss him again to see how I really felt (I guess that was a compulsion). But oh my god! I felt like I was kissing my boyfriend. Like that nice feeling you get. I'm so sorry. I know this is going too far and I'm really sorry. It's probably still OCD and I should treat is as if it is but I can't. This is sick. Very sick. This is not OCD. 

[Cora]

2 minutes ago, OxCD said:

Fine. Don’t tell us. Live with the anxiety for a bit. Just grit your teeth. You’ve got this - you can hold it in and see what happens over time.

I'm sorry, @OxCD. I just confessed again. I'm so weak. 

[Cora]

I don't want to be in love with my own brother. Please, not this! But that's what it felt like when I kissed him. I really need to stop any contact with him. I can't let this happen again. 

[malina]

Cora, stop, you are panicking and spiralling again. Take a deep breath, calm down and do something else. 

[Cora]

1 minute ago, malina said:

Cora, stop, you are panicking and spiralling again. Take a deep breath, calm down and do something else. 

I'm so sorry, @malina, but I just had an urge to have sex with my brother. It felt like I was about to do it. I can't believe this is happening. 

[malina]

7 minutes ago, Cora said:

I'm so sorry, @malina, but I just had an urge to have sex with my brother. It felt like I was about to do it. I can't believe this is happening. 

You have nothing to apologise for Cora. But you have to try to calm down, this is the same old thing that seems to happen every evening, even if it seems new and different to you. So try to treat tonight differently, rather than posting confession after confession, try to engage with something else. You are not helping yourself or anyone else by doing this. 

[Cora]

8 minutes ago, malina said:

You have nothing to apologise for Cora. But you have to try to calm down, this is the same old thing that seems to happen every evening, even if it seems new and different to you. So try to treat tonight differently, rather than posting confession after confession, try to engage with something else. You are not helping yourself or anyone else by doing this. 

I'm trying, malina, but I'm still shocked and confused. 

[malina]

1 minute ago, Cora said:

I'm trying, malina, but I'm still shocked and confused. 

That's okay, it's to be expected. As long as you keep trying to stay calm and resist compulsions, that is all that really matters. If you make a consistent effort, you will eventually see results! It's all about taking things one step at a time, but you've got this!

[Cora]

1 hour ago, malina said:

That's okay, it's to be expected. As long as you keep trying to stay calm and resist compulsions, that is all that really matters. If you make a consistent effort, you will eventually see results! It's all about taking things one step at a time, but you've got this!

I've calmed down. But I feel even more terrible now. I feel dirty and disgusting. I feel like an abuser. 

Feeling what I felt earlier was just so much for me and I don't know if I can move on from that. Knowing that I have to live with this memory makes me want to never wake up again. 

[malina]

1 minute ago, Cora said:

I've calmed down. But I feel even more terrible now. I feel dirty and disgusting. I feel like an abuser. 

Feeling what I felt earlier was just so much for me and I don't know if I can move on from that. Knowing that I have to live with this memory makes me want to never wake up again. 

Ok you feel dirty and disgusting, that is fine too. It sucks and it’s unpleasant, but it’s just a feeling. Look I know how awful this is, but you managed to not post for an hour and you have calmed down. So that is progress! Watch TV, read a book, listen to music, do something to engage your mind and get it out of this bubble that is in your head. No good can come from despairing over how bad you feel. Take it easy and keep trying!!

[Cora]

28 minutes ago, malina said:

Ok you feel dirty and disgusting, that is fine too. It sucks and it’s unpleasant, but it’s just a feeling. Look I know how awful this is, but you managed to not post for an hour and you have calmed down. So that is progress! Watch TV, read a book, listen to music, do something to engage your mind and get it out of this bubble that is in your head. No good can come from despairing over how bad you feel. Take it easy and keep trying!!

Thank you, malina. 

I know I need to stop complaining, and I promise this is the last one for tonight, but I just feel so bad. I want to cry and scream out my pain. I even called my boyfriend looking for comfort but I still feel like nothing can help me. I just feel so lost. Too much is happening. 

[malina]

6 minutes ago, Cora said:

Thank you, malina. 

I know I need to stop complaining, and I promise this is the last one for tonight, but I just feel so bad. I want to cry and scream out my pain. I even called my boyfriend looking for comfort but I still feel like nothing can help me. I just feel so lost. Too much is happening. 

Look Cora, there is no judgement here, I'm in no way blaming you for complaining. What you're going through is really hard and unfair and you have every right to complain. But focusing on how awful it is will only prolong the bad feelings, so it's better not to get caught up on it. You just have to accept that this is how you're going to feel tonight and try to get on with it. Try to get some rest and good luck with the GP appointment tomorrow!

[Cora]

7 minutes ago, malina said:

Look Cora, there is no judgement here, I'm in no way blaming you for complaining. What you're going through is really hard and unfair and you have every right to complain. But focusing on how awful it is will only prolong the bad feelings, so it's better not to get caught up on it. You just have to accept that this is how you're going to feel tonight and try to get on with it. Try to get some rest and good luck with the GP appointment tomorrow!

Thank you, malina! I really appreciate your support and help! 

[Cora]

Hi, 

I'm really sorry to be back with the same thing but I just an immense urge to do something inappropriate to my brother. It's like I really had to do it. I honestly don't understand myself. Why is this happening? I don't know if the answer is OCD because it feels like real attraction, like I'm falling in love with my brother, which is just absolutely crazy, I don't want that. I hate myself so much. 

[Cora]

10 hours ago, Cora said:

Hi, 

I'm really sorry to be back with the same thing but I just an immense urge to do something inappropriate to my brother. It's like I really had to do it. I honestly don't understand myself. Why is this happening? I don't know if the answer is OCD because it feels like real attraction, like I'm falling in love with my brother, which is just absolutely crazy, I don't want that. I hate myself so much. 

Here I am again, another of those urges. I am terrified because the way they feel is like I'm falling in love with my brother. This is the third urge in the past 2 two that is this bad. And I can't even tell if this is OCD or real feelings/desires.  

[malina]

Hey Cora, I just came to check in on you! I know you're feeling bad but it looks like you're posting a bit less and not such an in depth confession so far. That looks like a bit of progress to me! The trick with urges is to let them be - not to fight them and not to freak out. You have to just get used to them, I know that sounds awful and like the exact opposite of what you want, but if you just try to see them as a routine thing, they will have less of an effect on you and you will not get them as much. It's like when you have a toothache or something - the more you think about how about how much it hurts, the more you feel the pain. If you just brace yourself and allow the pain to come, it feels less bad and eventually it gets better. Treat the urges the same way - brace yourself and tell yourself "ok here comes another one" and then just let it go through you. It will go away I promise you. My therapist is all about mindfulness and he encourages me to think about how my body feels when I get urges, really think about what you feel, maybe there is muscle tension, or butterflies in your stomach? For me, a common feature was that I left my muscles tensing up like they were preparing to get up and do something. This really helped me because I could deconstruct the experience of these urges by realising that it was just a compilation of physical sensations and mental images. It feels awful, but it's nothing more than a feeling in your body produced by your mind that is firing incorrectly because of a mental illness.

How did it go with the GP by the way?

[Cora]

6 minutes ago, malina said:

Hey Cora, I just came to check in on you! I know you're feeling bad but it looks like you're posting a bit less and not such an in depth confession so far. That looks like a bit of progress to me! The trick with urges is to let them be - not to fight them and not to freak out. You have to just get used to them, I know that sounds awful and like the exact opposite of what you want, but if you just try to see them as a routine thing, they will have less of an effect on you and you will not get them as much. It's like when you have a toothache or something - the more you think about how about how much it hurts, the more you feel the pain. If you just brace yourself and allow the pain to come, it feels less bad and eventually it gets better. Treat the urges the same way - brace yourself and tell yourself "ok here comes another one" and then just let it go through you. It will go away I promise you. My therapist is all about mindfulness and he encourages me to think about how my body feels when I get urges, really think about what you feel, maybe there is muscle tension, or butterflies in your stomach? For me, a common feature was that I left my muscles tensing up like they were preparing to get up and do something. This really helped me because I could deconstruct the experience of these urges by realising that it was just a compilation of physical sensations and mental images. It feels awful, but it's nothing more than a feeling in your body produced by your mind that is firing incorrectly because of a mental illness.

How did it go with the GP by the way?

Hi malina, 

Thank you so so much for checking in. I really appreciate it. 

Well, they way you describe the urges you experience sound like a product of OCD indeed. However, mine come with feelings of attraction and almost true desire. Just earlier I gave a kiss and hug to my brother but I'm so convinced it was due to an urge I had felt before that. Like I said, it's like falling in love with my brother, which is so crazy. 

There are so many weird things that happened today and I'm really trying not to confess but it's so hard. 

Unfortunately, the GP couldn't do much. I've tried my best but they said I will have to wait until IAPT is ready to help me. That disappointed me a lot but this is their answer.  

[malina]

How about we agree to disagree then? It's true that I don't know how your urges really feel, but you also don't know how mine feel to be able to judge if they are different and if one is OCD and the other isn't. But why not give my suggestion a try? Instead of panicking about it, how about just trying to let it be? Treat it as a wave, it comes and it goes, no need to do anything about it. But well done on trying to stop yourself from confessing, that is a big step!!

I'm sorry to hear about the GP, that is very frustrating and disappointing. How many months to go until IAPT can see you? I remember you said 8, but I don't know when that was. I think at this stage it'll be really important to take your medication properly (I hope you discussed this with your GP). Remember that it takes a few weeks to start being effective and if you didn't take it consistently that will have an impact on the process.

[Cora]

13 minutes ago, malina said:

How about we agree to disagree then? It's true that I don't know how your urges really feel, but you also don't know how mine feel to be able to judge if they are different and if one is OCD and the other isn't. But why not give my suggestion a try? Instead of panicking about it, how about just trying to let it be? Treat it as a wave, it comes and it goes, no need to do anything about it. But well done on trying to stop yourself from confessing, that is a big step!!

I'm sorry to hear about the GP, that is very frustrating and disappointing. How many months to go until IAPT can see you? I remember you said 8, but I don't know when that was. I think at this stage it'll be really important to take your medication properly (I hope you discussed this with your GP). Remember that it takes a few weeks to start being effective and if you didn't take it consistently that will have an impact on the process.

Okay, I will give your suggestion a try. Thank you! 

Well, I talked to IAPT at the end of August, I believe, so hopefully I'll get some help around February or March. 

Yes, I did discuss with my GP how I didn't take my medication properly for a while. I will be very careful from now on and take it regularly. 

Again, thank you so much for checking in on me, malina - it made me feel so much better. I hope you have a lovely weekend!