I’m falling apart...please help me

[Emmaloowho]

I’m so anxious. I’m still having these fears that almost feel like urges. My brain basically tells me I’m just going to storm into my sons room and molest him. I’m so scared of this. It is literally one of the first things I think in the morning when I wake up. Its basically just thinking how easy it would be to do it while everyone is still asleep. I can’t explain the dread that it fills me with. But at the same time it feels like I could do it. I don’t know what to do. I’m so tired of this. As I’ve said before, I was doing pretty well, then it all came crashing back. I just want to crumble into a ball and cry. Please help!!

[Cora]

Hi @Emmaloowho, 

I'm really sorry to hear that you're struggling so much. I'm also sorry for not being able to help you. I wish I could.

It break my heart that you have to go through this. But you have to remember that OCD can make you feel things that you can't even think of - it's capable of anything! You sound like such a caring parent, and you clearly don't want to hurt your son, so be sure, you won't! 

I know it's incredibly difficult and painful but you need to believe in yourself and try harder. Also, another thing to remember is that you would never feel so much pain if you truly liked your thoughts or wanted to act on your urges. 

Please, take care! 

[Emmaloowho]

Thanks @Cora

It just scares me so much that it hits me even before I’m fully awake some mornings. Please let me be clear - I DON’T want to do this. But these anxious feelings or urges just convince me that I will lose control in spite of what I truly feel or think. This morning was really tough. I kept looking in his room when I walked by and my gut instinct was to think that he’s my sweet boy and I would never ever want to hurt him, but then this ******** OCD likes to tell me that yes I could, it would be so easy...just go in there. It sucks when you know you don’t want to do something, but your mind is telling you that you will probably do it anyway. 

[Cora]

1 minute ago, Emmaloowho said:

Thanks @Cora

It just scares me so much that it hits me even before I’m fully awake some mornings. Please let me be clear - I DON’T want to do this. But these anxious feelings or urges just convince me that I will lose control in spite of what I truly feel or think. This morning was really tough. I kept looking in his room when I walked by and my gut instinct was to think that he’s my sweet boy and I would never ever want to hurt him, but then this ******** OCD likes to tell me that yes I could, it would be so easy...just go in there. It sucks when you know you don’t want to do something, but your mind is telling you that you will probably do it anyway. 

Yes, I agree, it sucks and makes your life miserable. But you said it yourself - you don't want to hurt your son, so this is enough proof that it's just your mind playing with you and not your true intentions.

As people told me before, you just have to take a leap of faith and treat this as OCD. I'm very aware of how hard that can be but you have to at least try. 

Please, stay strong! And don't forget to be kind to yourself. I'm sending you hugs and the best wishes! ❤ 

[Cora]

43 minutes ago, Cora said:

Yes, I agree, it sucks and makes your life miserable. But you said it yourself - you don't want to hurt your son, so this is enough proof that it's just your mind playing with you and not your true intentions.

As people told me before, you just have to take a leap of faith and treat this as OCD. I'm very aware of how hard that can be but you have to at least try. 

Please, stay strong! And don't forget to be kind to yourself. I'm sending you hugs and the best wishes! ❤ 

I'm really sorry if this looks just like a text full with empty words, but I do mean it, all of it, and really do hope you find the strength to keep fighting and not let your OCD to control you. 

Edited November 10, 2020 by Cora

[Emmaloowho]

@Cora

I really appreciate and I hope that you can start healing as well. I know you are struggling and I know and feel for what you are going through. I guess we need to encourage each other to keep going. Life goes on. I just wish it wasn’t so hard  

[Ocd10]

Hi EmmaLooWho,

Ok, lets see if we can unpick this putting the emotional side of things to one side for a minute.

Can you identify any obsession(s)?

Can you identify any compulsions?

Can you ‘label’ this as your OCD? 
How do your thoughts make you feel? Do you want them or would you rather they not bother you?

OCD is really good at latching on to the things that are most important to us and then plonking that feeling of doubt and anxiety in the way. 
Just think that if this is your OCD, then don’t let it ruin a wonderful relationship you have with your son... instead think about all the positives and enjoyable things that he has brought in to your life and how you would like things to be. 
 

catherine 

[Cora]

44 minutes ago, Emmaloowho said:

@Cora

I really appreciate and I hope that you can start healing as well. I know you are struggling and I know and feel for what you are going through. I guess we need to encourage each other to keep going. Life goes on. I just wish it wasn’t so hard  

Thank you so much, @Emmaloowho. 

[Emmaloowho]

@Ocd10

i think my obsessions are:

-what if I pursue a sexual relationship

with my 14 year old son?

-do I want to?

-what will happen if I lose control?

-false “urges” or fear of doing something against my own will

 

my compulsions are:

-ruminating over the thoughts 

-visualizing scenarios to test myself and reactions

-mentally reviewing my responses to hypothetical and real situations

My thoughts make me feel dirty, evil, sick. I would give almost anything not to have them. 

[felix4]

Hi @Emmaloowho

Have you had CBT? If you haven't, then do your best to get referred, if you have & it has not worked, then find a different therapist and go again!

From past experience, I have found no 2 therapists are the same! I personally had about 5 lots of CBT (both one to one & group) & about 8-9 therapists since 2004!

I know it is hard, but try and divert your energy into getting CBT with lots of witnessed practical ERP! 

 

[Emmaloowho]

@felix4 Here in the states therapy is fairly expensive, and with my husband having health issues right now, I just can’t afford it. I am trying to help myself. I get to a point where I think I am making real progress, but then I will have days like yesterday and today where I for some reason feel especially vulnerable. 
 

I feel like I live exposure because I am obviously with my son everyday. Sometimes I do great and it’s no biggie, but then other times it feels so real and convincing that I just feel sick inside. I am so desperate to feel better. I think I know what I need to do, but sometimes the thoughts just pull at me and feel so convincing. 
 

It’s very frustrating to know that you don’t want to do the things you are afraid of, but to have this part of you telling you that it’s not in your control. That you may just do it anyway, just because. 

[Emmaloowho]

Can anyone please give me advice on specifically how to handle these fears/urges when they come over me?  Because they are terrifying. It makes me feel like I could do it against my will. Please?!?

[PolarBear]

Emma, we have told you. Quite a few times. 

What you do is nothing. No thing. No fresking out. No ruminating. No compulsions of any kind. Let the thought just be and get on with your day.

[malina]

Hi @Emmaloowho, I have a lot of harm related urges too so I understand how you're feeling. My therapist gave me a really nice metaphor that is supposed to help in dealing with it. So imagine that you're at a train station and you're waiting for a train, you're standing kind of close to the rails and a freight train comes along. The freight train is really fast and and makes you feel like you're losing balance. What do you do? You could jump on the tracks and try to stop the train, but that will just fail because it's impossible and you would get hurt. Or you could just stand where you are, wait for the train to pass, when you will regain your sense of balance. The freight train represents these horrible urges that you feel. You can try to stop them, but like with the train, that won't really work. The best thing to do is to just stand your ground, let the feelings pass through you and disappear. So that is what you should do, it's incredibly hard but it gets easier. Just let the feelings come, let them move through your body, don't analyse them or try to stop them. Eventually, they will go away and you will be a bit stronger and more prepared for next time. 

[Emmaloowho]

Thank you @malina and @PolarBear 

Malina - I really like that metaphor, it makes sense.  It’s just awful when it hits because I’m so scared in the moment that I will just lose control and I have a distorted trust of myself.  But I have seen that time and time again if I just let it pass, it does get better.  I just wish it would go away!  I hate feeling like I can’t trust myself  

 

[malina]

34 minutes ago, Emmaloowho said:

Thank you @malina and @PolarBear 

Malina - I really like that metaphor, it makes sense.  It’s just awful when it hits because I’m so scared in the moment that I will just lose control and I have a distorted trust of myself.  But I have seen that time and time again if I just let it pass, it does get better.  I just wish it would go away!  I hate feeling like I can’t trust myself  

 

I totally get you! But the more you dwell on it and despair, the more you’re actually prolonging the feeling. If you just practice letting go and letting it pass, the more progress you will make. Hang in there, you can do this!

[Emmaloowho]

Thank you so much!  I really appreciate the encouragement and advice!!!

[malina]

16 minutes ago, Emmaloowho said:

Thank you so much!  I really appreciate the encouragement and advice!!!

No worries, good luck!!

[Ocd10]

Hi EmmaLooWho,

Please accept my apologies for my slow response.

How are you doing now?

It's great that you identified your obsessions and compulsions

If you wanted to try an ERP exercise, then what you need to do is deliberately expose yourself to your obsession (and fear) whilst at the same time deliberately trying to resist doing your compulsions. ERP is a structured way of confronting (and then beating) your OCD, and you are in control of what you expose to and when, rather than responding to things as and when they happen and perhaps not at your pace.

Can you think of an exercise that you would feel confident that you could do? For example, deliberately spending time with your son doing something that you feel you could tolerate, at the same time keeping in mind your obsession that you will somehow hurt him, but also resist all your checking, seeking reassurance etc. at the same time?

It's interesting to see what happens to your anxiety levels during each ERP exercise, and then what happens when you repeat the exercise. To work well, you really need to keep repeating the ERP exercise until it no longer bothers you.

Once your anxiety levels have come down to a manageable level, then try to refocus your attention on to something you enjoy

Hope this makes sense... be imaginative and create your own ERP exercises

Catherine