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Prayers I don't mean


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Hi everyone

Hope you're all well. I haven't been around for a while as I've been adjusting to being back at work and then going on lockdown once more. But I'm back today. I'm feeling tentatively proud of myself because it's been a week today since my work closed and I'm managing to keep it more or less together (more or less). I'm still struggling and having the occasional suicidal thought, but I have a great support network of friends, and I have some cross-stitch projects to keep my occupied (as well as Sister Sister on Netflix ? )

I'm not the best at looking after my mental health; I'm trying, I'm really trying, but it's difficult. I'm going out for walks as often as I can and that helps enormously - that and the fact that the Citalopram is slowly working - but I still feel a bit empty. The biggest issue is my compulsions; I keep thinking I 'have' to say prayers that I don't actually mean, but it's like some part of me wants to say them and then I get really confused. I ask for forgiveness over very specific issues; I had a problem earlier in the summer and I asked a friend's advice about it. She responded by telling me that had surrendered to God to change her even though she didn't want to change and it got me thinking I should do the same thing. But every time I do, I just feel fake and I ask God for forgiveness for saying the prayer in the first place. I just seem to be struggling every day; I'm scared I'll never be happy again and every day will be the same mental health battle. I'm scared I'm always going to be like this and I'll never appreciate what's in front of me. I'm slowly realising just how ill I was this year and it's frightening to think of all that time wasted.

Sorry to sound so pathetic. But it's like even when I'm happy, the OCD is always there, ready to jump out at me. What if I'm going around in circles for the rest of my life because I'm not trying hard enough to be a better person and accept God's forgiveness? What then? I know God is all-loving but I feel like a letdown, undeserving and a failure, all the same. 

C x

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Hey Cub,

it's great to hear that things are getting better! It sounds like you are starting to make some real progress and you should be proud of yourself!

3 hours ago, Cub said:

But it's like even when I'm happy, the OCD is always there, ready to jump out at me.

This is such a familiar feeling. Its like every happy moment seems to have this dark undercurrent, but it's okay because the more progress you make, the weaker that feeling will get. Try not to dwell on the past or worry too much about the future, just take it one step at a time for now xx

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Hi Malina

Thankyou for the kindness. I'm doing okay; just feeling generally unhappy. I feel guilty and like I'm to blame. I'm reflecting on the fact that I'm feeling upset and sad and that I've been less happy over the past year than I have been for a while. 

I'm not quite sure what else to write tonight - only that I'm tired of myself and feel I don't deserve all the support I'm getting. Maybe I would be better off dead. 

C x

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You've just been through a lot. I don't have a huge amount of advice beyond everything you know already, but I can promise you that it does get better. When I was diagnosed with OCD, I was in such a bad place. I really wasn't sure how I was going to get through each day, let alone life. But with time and consistent effort, it got a bit better and then a lot better and then life was good again. When you're in the thick of it, you just have to go through the motions and make sure you're taking care of yourself (eating, sleeping, getting out of the house etc) and time will do its thing. Stay strong Cub, we're all with you and so many people have been where you are and got through it, you can too!

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