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I'm scared of my own head. The thoughts seem to be getting more and more graphic and i cannot cope. My head is trying to convince me they are real, and im panicking. I've not slept properly for weeks due to being scared of the thoughts. I would rather die than commit to what is going on in my head. But i do not want to die, i just want them gone. I've had 2 wonderful years of being able to cope, why are they getting worse? why are the affecting me now? I just don't know what to do. The thoughts seem to flip between two different themes. Child abuse and killing my family. I keep telling myself, for 6 years i have had these thoughts and have never ever acted upon them, so why do i still keep letting them get to me? Last week it was stabbing my family, this week it's sexual child abuse i cannot cope at all.

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You probably know that all of us have intrusions of one sort or another. The difference is that many people don't recognise/be aware of them because they don't hit the emotional system and pop back up feeling scared/guilty shame etc. you wouldn't be scared unless they weren't distressing you and that is because they are unwanted/unbidden. When I worked with many OCD sufferers in my job as a NHS therapist (retired now), I never had a patient who acted on their intrusions, it was not their personality/morality. I also found that, especially with patients with OCD, they were the most dignified, respectable and responsible people I have worked with. Your not 'letting them' get to you, they just pop in, and probably due to other triggers and /or stress. Obviously therapy will probably help, and the good news is that you were free for a long time, this shows you can beat it. As I said, psychological stress is a big trigger, especially prolonged stress. Letting them come and go and not attending to them is a good start, but easier said than done, because the intrusions are significant to you. I'm going to be a bit silly here, but if you were having intrusions about killing a kangaroo, what's the betting it would not be half as distressing. Silly, i know, but that's the difference.  In my work over 20% had was is termed pure-o ocd, but that term is a bit outdated now because this does have compulsions, but mainly mental compulsions. people with them usually avoid situations/object, in the short term this is ok, but a therapist would help you to tolerate them. Distraction, deep breathing exercises etc for the time being helps, being focused on something interesting and being in the 'flow'. with hobbies/work etc is good. Going out and physical exercising also helps, those thoughts will come and go, not to ignore them, but just 'accept' what they are, thoughts. Obviously, if you are taking steps to get professional help then that's a good thing, and support from loved ones. You have coped well before and there is no reason you can do it again. the intrusive thoughts will flop about a bit, and that's ok, the meanings of the intrusions will change and get lighter, then they won't bother you and fade away, its the emotional spike from these intrusions that's maintaining them. hope this helps a bit, but perhaps some close support/cbt therapist may help better. 

Phil    

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