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I can’t do this I can’t get over this, I have finally had a thought that has broken me.

i read ‘p’s don’t care that they are causing harm’

i then had a thought saying ‘you don’t think it’s harm’

blind panic 

YES I DO

doubt 

i know it causes harm

doubt

i know it causes harm 

doubt 

what if you don’t care

I do care I DONT WANT THESE THINGS.

doubt- yes you do.

I feel like I can’t find the words to describe how truthful this doubt was.

I can’t get over this now, I have punched myself I have pulled my hair nothing seems enough to punish myself. I don’t want to harm anyone(DOUBT) but I do want to harm myself. And yet the doubt still lingers and it is going to kill me I can feel it. I feel like these things are true now and that’s it. I can’t kill myself cos I can’t do that to my mum and dad (who I love so much but I do not deserve their love) I cant do that to my boyfriend who I am so in love with (who I don’t deserve) I am going to stay in my room and never leave I am not leaving I can’t I do not trust myself. I am trying to transfer all my money to my mum because I don’t deserve it I am not trusted to have it. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I don’t deserve to. I haven’t left the forum for 24 hours hoping and praying this isn’t true although it feels like it is now. It’s not enough though is it because if I can’t answer those questions without feeling like I am in denial and lying then I am never allowed to be happy. 

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@Cas24, I know this is really really hard, but I think you just have to try to calm down. You are talking about thoughts, they do not have the power to break you no matter how awful. I speak from experience, I've had awful thoughts and awful urges and it was terrifying, but none of it is real, it's all in your head. You can and you will have a happy life with your boyfriend, but you need to start tackling this. The first thing you need to do is just take a deep breath and try to relax. Remember that nothing is actually happening, the only thing that happened is that you had a thought and that you're now having a massive emotional reaction. But the world has stayed exactly the same, you are in the same place you have been, your external world is unchanged. Do something to engage with the world outside your head, go for a walk, listen to music...whatever, but just try to calm yourself because this panic isn't going to help you.  

And frankly, even if you are truly the terrible person you believe you are, you still deserve to eat and sleep and to keep your money. 

Edited by malina
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35 minutes ago, malina said:

@Cas24, I know this is really really hard, but I think you just have to try to calm down. You are talking about thoughts, they do not have the power to break you no matter how awful. I speak from experience, I've had awful thoughts and awful urges and it was terrifying, but none of it is real, it's all in your head. You can and you will have a happy life with your boyfriend, but you need to start tackling this. The first thing you need to do is just take a deep breath and try to relax. Remember that nothing is actually happening, the only thing that happened is that you had a thought and that you're now having a massive emotional reaction. But the world has stayed exactly the same, you are in the same place you have been, your external world is unchanged. Do something to engage with the world outside your head, go for a walk, listen to music...whatever, but just try to calm yourself because this panic isn't going to help you.  

And frankly, even if you are truly the terrible person you believe you are, you still deserve to eat and sleep and to keep your money. 

Thank you for replying I really appreciate it.

it just feels like the thoughts have gone too far and there is no way I’m not a hideous person.

i don’t understand why I have questions and I answer them how I WANT to answer them and what I WANT to believe but it feels like I’m lying or in denial. I hate it so much.  I also keep having dreams that I can’t really remember but feel creepy but this is making me think I should tie my hands up when I sleep so I don’t do anything inappropriate in my sleep. I can’t express how real the doubt feels. 
 

and advert came on the TV about donating to children in a poor country and my brain goes ‘you want them all to die’ and I didn’t feel any remorse, I don’t want them to die but maybe I do if I didn’t feel any remorse 

i was also just playing a game trying desperately to distract my mind away from this and I had to complete a task in the game and it was downloading something and I had a thought like ‘oh it’s like you’re downloading cp you would like that’ WHAT THE HELL. But I guess that’s just how my disgusting brain works now. I know I will NEVER do what my thoughts tell me but even the thought that goes ‘but maybe you would like it’ is enough to utterly destroy me 

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You do understand why, it's because of OCD. Why is having bad thoughts such a big deal? The thoughts themselves aren't the problem, it's how you interpret them that is the issue. You believe that they are reflecting who you are as a person. You then ruminate and do compulsions and torture yourself. And over what? Thinking that the children on TV should die? Who cares! I'm sorry I know that probably sounds really mean but I really don't mean it that way, it's just the best attitude to adopt with a problem like this. In fact, if you were doing ERP, you'd probably have to wilfully think awful thoughts. As an ERP exercise once I had to keep telling myself that I really wanted my father to die in a car crash. These are just thoughts Cas, just figments of our random minds...they are not worth this much agony. Accept them, get used to them, they will be here for a while and trust me that the more you react, the more often they will come. So come on, you can do this!!!

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Cas,

you are in the grips of an OCD episode, you are ruminating looking for answers which are feeding the cycle of doubt. I have been there with this theme. its very distressing but you can break the cycle. you have to try and curb your ruminating you will never win. OCD is bombarding your brain but you need to remember its OCD, nothing more.

try and remember these episodes do pass you can get to the other side. 

 

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21 minutes ago, malina said:

You do understand why, it's because of OCD. Why is having bad thoughts such a big deal? The thoughts themselves aren't the problem, it's how you interpret them that is the issue. You believe that they are reflecting who you are as a person. You then ruminate and do compulsions and torture yourself. And over what? Thinking that the children on TV should die? Who cares! I'm sorry I know that probably sounds really mean but I really don't mean it that way, it's just the best attitude to adopt with a problem like this. In fact, if you were doing ERP, you'd probably have to wilfully think awful thoughts. As an ERP exercise once I had to keep telling myself that I really wanted my father to die in a car crash. These are just thoughts Cas, just figments of our random minds...they are not worth this much agony. Accept them, get used to them, they will be here for a while and trust me that the more you react, the more often they will come. So come on, you can do this!!!

I know I should move on but it feels dangerous if I do, it feels like my automatic reaction should be of course I know it’s wrong but it feels forced.  Why does it feel like that when I WANT AND NEED the answer to be of course it’s wrong. Sometimes in very rare moments of clarity I think I can answer it but I don’t even know now. I keep thinking what if someone asks you if it’s wrong and you don’t know how to answer. How could I live with that??? When I answer it with how I want to anxiety spreads across my chest like it’s a lie and I can’t move on.

i think surely thoughts and feelings make up a person. Even when I do nice things for people that I want to do it feels like I’m just doing it so they think I’m nice person and  I didn’t do it for them which is incredibly selfish. I also feel selfish cos I think so much about myself in this and not the people I could potentially cause harm to. I just feel rotten to the core. But when I have clarity and realise they are just thoughts I feel so happy and relieved and excited about the future. But now it feels like it’s gone too far
 

 

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29 minutes ago, Avo said:

Cas,

you are in the grips of an OCD episode, you are ruminating looking for answers which are feeding the cycle of doubt. I have been there with this theme. its very distressing but you can break the cycle. you have to try and curb your ruminating you will never win. OCD is bombarding your brain but you need to remember its OCD, nothing more.

try and remember these episodes do pass you can get to the other side. 

 

Thank you for your reply. But did you ever feel like you couldn’t answer questions without the doubt?  I just feel like this won’t pass now and My thoughts have gone too far

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Cas, 

we can doubt anything if we over think it. the more you try and answer a question, reach a conclusion to an internal debate the more doubt you experience. Its how OCD taunts us. 

Thoughts going too far means too much rumination ( a massive compulsion one I struggle with too), instead of rumination helping us it does the exact opposite. 

you have to stop trying to answer the questions, stop trying to figure out what this may mean about you as a person. its the only way to get the better of OCD, the more you give it the more it takes, its never satisfied. 

what is your background In terms of CBT? have you had any in the past? 

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10 minutes ago, Cas24 said:

I know I should move on but it feels dangerous if I do, it feels like my automatic reaction should be of course I know it’s wrong but it feels forced.  Why does it feel like that when I WANT AND NEED the answer to be of course it’s wrong. Sometimes in very rare moments of clarity I think I can answer it but I don’t even know now. I keep thinking what if someone asks you if it’s wrong and you don’t know how to answer. How could I live with that??? When I answer it with how I want to anxiety spreads across my chest like it’s a lie and I can’t move on.

i think surely thoughts and feelings make up a person. Even when I do nice things for people that I want to do it feels like I’m just doing it so they think I’m nice person and  I didn’t do it for them which is incredibly selfish. I also feel selfish cos I think so much about myself in this and not the people I could potentially cause harm to. I just feel rotten to the core. But when I have clarity and realise they are just thoughts I feel so happy and relieved and excited about the future. But now it feels like it’s gone too far
 

 

I read one brilliant thing about OCD which really stuck with me. This woman suffered from OCD most of her life and felt, like you, that she had to do certain things or couldn't let go of things because it was too much of a risk. Yet the only bad thing that ever happened was living with OCD, the misery she felt, the same misery you feel. I concede that there is always a risk it's all true and that you can never know with absolute certainty that this is OCD, but the risk of staying as you are now, completely unhappy and in pain, is far far bigger. 

I relate to this because I had an accident once and had to go to the hospital with an ambulance. I was really afraid and I started thinking about life and really the only thing I regretted in that moment was the OCD, the time I wasted on feelings of guilt and misery. When it comes down to it, THIS, what you are experiencing now, is the worst that can happen. So take the risk, take a leap of faith and try to let go!

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Today is a much better day- it’s amazing how you can see OCD working when you pull yourself out of it.

today is a day of distraction and reducing compulsions- I left my phone and refused to come on the forum until 10am as much as I wanted to and just let the anxiety reduce on its own. And now I’m off to do some baking! 

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12 minutes ago, Avo said:

sounds good cas, enjoy the baking .:)

Thanks so much for the words of support last night Avo it means a lot to me. The point on reaching a conclusion with an internal debate the more doubt you will have really resonated with me, that is exactly what I try to do. And it’s funny because when you take a step back and have some clarity you know who you are and realise the debate just doesn’t need to be had.

also in regards to CBT I started attending but wasn’t fully engaged due to fear but I am awaiting some more and I am ready to fight this.

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Hi Cas

No worries, I am a really bad ruminator myself I have wasted lots of time over the years arguing with myself looking for evidence trying to reach a conclusion that never satisfies. all it does is drive me half mad with anxiety. some of the lengths I went to at times to try and get that elusive definite answer were so so time and energy consuming.

I have had several rounds of CBT over the years myself sometimes we do need a few tries. 

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I’ve told my mum and dad that I can’t leave the house anymore they think I am tearing the family apart. But they don’t understand I am doing it for them. I care about them so much i don’t deserve to have them as parents. But this way they can have me and I can keep everyone safe 

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Hey @Cas24, I think it's really hard for families to understand and cope with this stuff, especially at first. I'm sorry I don't know very much about your story, have you just recently been diagnosed? I know when I was first diagnosed my family were really supportive but there were definite moments of frustration and anger too...kind of like why can't you just get over this already. I think it's just stressful for them and our fears are so irrational that they can't understand how real it all feels.

But your statement, that you can't leave the house, is a massive compulsion. You are buying into OCD's lies. You're not keeping anybody safe by doing this, the only thing you are doing is falling deeper into the trap of mental illness. You deserve better than this and you just have to keep fighting!

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20 hours ago, malina said:

Hey @Cas24, I think it's really hard for families to understand and cope with this stuff, especially at first. I'm sorry I don't know very much about your story, have you just recently been diagnosed? I know when I was first diagnosed my family were really supportive but there were definite moments of frustration and anger too...kind of like why can't you just get over this already. I think it's just stressful for them and our fears are so irrational that they can't understand how real it all feels.

But your statement, that you can't leave the house, is a massive compulsion. You are buying into OCD's lies. You're not keeping anybody safe by doing this, the only thing you are doing is falling deeper into the trap of mental illness. You deserve better than this and you just have to keep fighting!

Hi Malina,

I have been to see a psychiatrist today, he said I’m having a major depressive episode. We’re going to start treatment but first he said we need to calm me down and has given me medication for this.

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