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This is ridiculous!


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5 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

So if you stared at her, and that made you feel bad, and you checked again and you felt bad, and you Googled her and still felt bad, whst do you think you could change about your behavior?

Well, those clearly were compulsions and they didn't help. 

But that's not my point. My point is that I had those terrible feelings and just don't know what to do with them. I can't just ignore them. They are clearly important, aren't they? 

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See, OCD wants you to think the thoughts are important. That's what it does, no matter what type of OCD you have.

But OCD lies, all the time. It never tells the truth. The thoughts about this girl, and everything else, is only important if you make it so. 

How do you make it important? By freaking out, by paying attention and by doing compulsions.

Guess what? Doing those three things is a choice. It's hard, but you can also choose to accept the thoughts calmly, not pay attention to them and not doing compulsions. 

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17 hours ago, PolarBear said:

See, OCD wants you to think the thoughts are important. That's what it does, no matter what type of OCD you have.

But OCD lies, all the time. It never tells the truth. The thoughts about this girl, and everything else, is only important if you make it so. 

How do you make it important? By freaking out, by paying attention and by doing compulsions.

Guess what? Doing those three things is a choice. It's hard, but you can also choose to accept the thoughts calmly, not pay attention to them and not doing compulsions. 

Thank you, @PolarBear

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Well, I'm back again, so I apologise for that. 

Today I had to go to the post office. Unfortunately, I picked a bad time - I decided to go when it was past 3pm, which is around the time when the children finish school. Because there are quite a few schools and kindergartens within the are where I live, I got triggered as soon as I left the house. 

There is also a bus stop next to my house and a few kids (I think they were maybe 14,15) were waiting for the bus. Well, when I got to the bus stop and saw the kids I felt like I wanted them to look at me in a sexual way - like to admire me or to find me attractive which is so damn stupid and disgusting.

The thought/idea upset me very much and I started feeling very anxious. And I realised that maybe I have a deeper/worse problem than I thought. Maybe I am some sort of narcissist who also is attracted to children. I even remembered that this whole mess - the fear of being attracted to children - started with a similar thing (I thought a child was attractive and I wanted him to look at me in a sexual way). So now I'm confused. I don't know what to believe.

I don't know if I can accept or treat this as OCD. The thought wasn't intrusive at all - it was my own idea. I feel ashamed for having such things running through my mind, and I don't know what to do.

Then, as I was getting closer to the post office, I kept feeling weird sensations anytime I would see a child; I think I was picturing myself with them, or asking myself if I found them attractive - the answer to that would almost always be 'yes'.  

Anywhere I go or anything I do has to be a bad experience for me. So what do I do? Do I stay locked inside to protect people from me? And what am I? Why am I so problematic and weird? This will never end, will it?! 

Edited by Cora
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OK you have been diagnosed with OCD, yet you keep coming up with these new ideas and diagnoses for yourself. So you're supposedly a narcissist who is attracted to children, adolescents, family members. That is the most far fetched thing I have ever heard and yet you find that easier to believe than your actual diagnosis that was made by a professional, confirmed by another professional and supported by an entire OCD community.

I mean at what point are you going to sit down and admit that maybe you're just wrong? I know you're going to start telling me that it can't be OCD, because it doesn't feel like OCD or because these thoughts don't feel intrusive or they supposedly aren't causing you enough anxiety. But you only have your own experiences, so you can't really judge how OCD should look and feel. 

So what do you do? Try following some of the vast advice you've been given and keep pushing for professional help! 

 

Edited by malina
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I echo malina's post.

You are more willing to believe your self diagnoses rather than the knowledgeable opinions of real experts. Does that make sense?

Obviously something is going on under the surface. I wonder if you have a twisted idea of what OCD is and then you compare your situation to this wrong definition and you decide you can't have OCD because the two don't match. The problem there is that you would not have a good grasp of what OCD truly is.

Do you think this might be the problem?

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2 hours ago, Cora said:

Well, I'm back again, so I apologise for that. 

Today I had to go to the post office. Unfortunately, I picked a bad time - I decided to go when it was past 3pm, which is around the time when the children finish school. Because there are quite a few schools and kindergartens within the are where I live, I got triggered as soon as I left the house. 

There is also a bus stop next to my house and a few kids (I think they were maybe 14,15) were waiting for the bus. Well, when I got to the bus stop and saw the kids I felt like I wanted them to look at me in a sexual way - like to admire me or to find me attractive which is so damn stupid and disgusting.

The thought/idea upset me very much and I started feeling very anxious. And I realised that maybe I have a deeper/worse problem than I thought. Maybe I am some sort of narcissist who also is attracted to children. I even remembered that this whole mess - the fear of being attracted to children - started with a similar thing (I thought a child was attractive and I wanted him to look at me in a sexual way). So now I'm confused. I don't know what to believe.

I don't know if I can accept or treat this as OCD. The thought wasn't intrusive at all - it was my own idea. I feel ashamed for having such things running through my mind, and I don't know what to do.

Then, as I was getting closer to the post office, I kept feeling weird sensations anytime I would see a child; I think I was picturing myself with them, or asking myself if I found them attractive - the answer to that would almost always be 'yes'.  

Anywhere I go or anything I do has to be a bad experience for me. So what do I do? Do I stay locked inside to protect people from me? And what am I? Why am I so problematic and weird? This will never end, will it?! 

I think at the moment you are literally being triggered by anything. It might be that you read how other people are feeling and even adopted their triggers. Fact is I don’t think you are a narcissist. Narcissists don’t care so much about being a bad person. They love themselves and think the world revolves around them. I also think you worry a lot. People have random thoughts all the time but whenever you do you obsess over it likes it means something but it doesn’t. It doesn’t mean anything. You need to love yourself more. 

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5 hours ago, Cora said:

I don't know if I can accept or treat this as OCD. The thought wasn't intrusive at all - it was my own idea. I feel ashamed for having such things running through my mind, and I don't know what to do.

Hey girl :) 

I've had those same types of thoughts. Like pretty much everything that you have ever said on here, I've had more or less the same. You are not alone!  And you are no monster!

I totally, totalllyyyyy get what you're saying about not knowing if you can treat it as OCD. You feel like you have a responsibility and how dare you enjoy your life in case these things are true.
But girl.... they aren't true! Your brain right now isn't wanting to accept anything except total certainty - but you can't have it. That's not going to feel nice, and so you continue searching for something that you can't find (the total certainty). At the point you're at my love, it is going to be very difficult. I know this. But trust me, it is amazing how quickly your brain will start to follow suit when you stop responding to your thoughts -- your brain will listen to you. It will understand that you don't need to be thinking about these thoughts, and present them less, to the point of possibly not at all!

I've had a few meltdowns this year. I'm at the point now where I'm fully saying **** OFF to my OCD. It hurts sometimes. It's uncomfortable. And I know that I have challenges ahead of me. But you know what?
Out of the thousands of obsessions I've had, all the ones that I simply could not move on from because it would say I was evil if it were true, guess how many didn't go away after I stopped engaging? They all went away. They can rear their ugly head from time to time, but I should say try to rear, as I don't let them and they disappear back into the shadows and I live my happy life, and I'm prepared if they ever wanna challenge me again!
I was stuck on an obsession for about 2 years, and it was one of those "how can I possibly live my life without being certain about this" obsessions. I stopped engaging. And now I'm here, hopefully helping you. I believe in you, @Cora

Best wishes ?

Edited by hazydaze
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