I don't know if anything can stop me

[Kticktock]

8 minutes ago, malina said:

This is a bit harsh, intrusive thoughts and fears such as @Cora describes are very common in OCD. Just because you don't experience these symptoms doesn't mean that you can decide what is OCD and what isn't.  

What ? You can see the comment right why you saying what 

[Cora]

8 minutes ago, Kticktock said:

What ? You can see the comment right why you saying what 

Okay, I see. 

I appreciate your input but I think I would be better without it. 

[Kticktock]

Actually I think you would be better taking it but that’s for you to decide you’re the only one to  know for sure and get the help if you do need it. It’s coming from a genuine place to be honest but I’ll leave it with you. Tbh I think you know. I’ll be leaving this forum now anyway it’s not what I thought it was. I hope you get the support you need. 

Edited December 4, 2020 by Kticktock

[PolarBear]

Kticktock, you are way out of line. What you think is going on is not going on. You do not have all the facts.

I ask that you not insinuate yourself in a situation you know nothing about.

[Cas24]

Cora,

please do not listen to Kticktocks comments. I know they will have been incredibly hard to read. You have a formal diagnosis of OCD, do not take one persons comments to heart. 

 

[Cora]

Thank you, Cas.

[Cora]

I'm really sorry everyone, I'm finding it really hard to move on from last night. I thought sleep would help, but I was wrong. I woke up this morning more worried than I was last night. Plus I feel disgusted with myself and it just makes me spend all day in bed. 

[Cora]

I can't stop feeling dirty and don't know what to do about it. Last night was a nightmare for me and I just don't know how to move on. I feel like I did something really bad; I feel like I committed a crime. I'm scared to revisit what happened because I don't want to realise that I did something terrible. It hurts so much to be so abnormal and to feel like a monster. 

 

Edited December 5, 2020 by Cora

[Cora]

I just had another urge. My brother hugged me and I had an intrusive thought which seconds later morphed into an urge. The urge felt like a desire. It went away after a couple of minutes when I left the room, but I felt like I wanted to actually stay in that room and act on it. I have to leave for work in 5 minutes but I feel so terrible and hopeless. 

[PolarBear]

The important thing is that you didn't. And you won't. 

[Cora]

4 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

The important thing is that you didn't. And you won't. 

But how do I know if the urge was a true intention/desire of mine or part of OCD? 

I can't stop feeling disgusting. This is so bad. 

Edited December 5, 2020 by Cora

[PolarBear]

You know because you don't do it. 

I know that each time you get a thought/urge combo that it feels real, it feels like it's really about to happen. But it's a lie. It's always a lie. OCD is the great liar. It tries to fool you every time. 

And then you do compulsions. You think you have to do them to rid yourself of the anxiety and guilt you feel, but do you know what actually happens? Every time you do s compulsion, you egg on OCD, encouraging it to do more of the same.

You can wise up. You can see the lies and refuse to play OCD's game. 

[carlleo123]

Cora please take note of what polar bear has just said. It has really resonated with me. Reassuring is bad so I don’t want to go there so I’ll just reiterate what he has said. It does feel real but it isn’t 

[malina]

Hey @Cora, I'm a bit too tired to write a proper post but I just wanted to check in and make sure you were okay. Hang in there and listen to Polar Bear's wise words!

[Cora]

Thank you so much, @PolarBear, @carlleo123 and @malina. 

While I was at work I managed to forget about all this mess for a bit. But now I'm back home and can't stop worrying and feeling like sh!t.

I'm scared of what could happen tomorrow. I don't want to have urges that feel like desires again, I really don't want that. And I don't want to keep feeling so disgusting and dirty (almost) all the time. 

 

[Cora]

40 minutes ago, Cora said:

Thank you so much, @PolarBear, @carlleo123 and @malina. 

While I was at work I managed to forget about all this mess for a bit. But now I'm back home and can't stop worrying and feeling like sh!t.

I'm scared of what could happen tomorrow. I don't want to have urges that feel like desires again, I really don't want that. And I don't want to keep feeling so disgusting and dirty (almost) all the time. 

 

I really didn't want to say this but in addition to all of the above-mentioned I keep having urges to create inappropriate scenarios in my head. I don't want to do that but I also feel like I do at the same time - I'm sorry, I know it's confusing. It's like I have to think of something gross, have to. I don't know what this is but it's so so bad. 

[malina]

Hey @Cora, I think that the incident from the other night has put you in a bad place, which inevitably makes the anxiety worse. I think you really need to try and keep in mind everything that we have all talked about already and get yourself back on track. The other day you were looking into private therapists and I think you should just go for it and give them a call tomorrow. It's better to do it soon because we are getting closer to Christmas when people will be away. And I know that all of these urges feel horrible and that you feel disgusted with yourself, but these are all just waves hitting you, threatening to knock you over and you just have to stand firm. Don't give into this, just let them come and don't panic. You can do this, but you have to keep pushing forward!

[Cora]

Thank you, malina. 

I'm sorry to keep repeating myself and going round in circles but I just had another disgusting moment. My brother was hugging and giving me a kiss and I felt like I couldn't stand it, but at the same time I felt like I enjoyed it in a very weird, sick way. Basically I felt like I wanted to almost punch him and let him carrying on kissing me at the same time. How awful is that? 

I just feel like screaming and heating me in the head of how terrible this is. I don't think I can do it. 

I'm sorry. I know there is nothing else to add in terms of advice but how the hell is this OCD and how do I have a live without being hit by 50 urges a day?  

Edited December 6, 2020 by Cora

[Cora]

14 minutes ago, Cora said:

Thank you, malina. 

I'm sorry to keep repeating myself and going round in circles but I just had another disgusting moment. My brother was hugging and giving me a kiss and I felt like I couldn't stand it, but at the same time I felt like I enjoyed it in a very weird, sick way. Basically I felt like I wanted to almost punch him and let him carrying on kissing me at the same time. How awful is that? 

I just feel like screaming and heating me in the head of how terrible this is. I don't think I can do it. 

I'm sorry. I know there is nothing else to add in terms of advice but how the hell is this OCD and how do I have a live without being hit by 50 urges a day?  

Actually I didn't mention an important thing because I was scared, but I realised I have to do it.

While he was hugging me I was pushing him away but not really. Like I was pushing him away (and he would hug me even harder) but like not with my full force, because I wanted him to kiss me. I dont know if this makes sense but it's like I didn't really want to push him so I could enjoy the kiss in a sick way. What did I do?

Please, tell me I didn't act on my thoughts/feelings and abused my brother. Please. That can't be true. 

[malina]

13 minutes ago, Cora said:

While he was hugging me I was pushing him away but not really. Like I was pushing him away (and he would hug me even harder) but like not with my full force, because I wanted him to kiss me. I dont know if this makes sense but it's like I didn't really want to push him so I could enjoy the kiss in a sick way. What did I do?

You really need to stop focusing on these minor things. I know they seem like a really big deal to you, but they are not. Your mind isn't in a good place right now, you are in the midst of dealing with a lot of OCD obsessions and intrusions and, as a result, a lot of things are disoriented. I've been saying to you that you should go ahead and hug your brother and give him kisses and all the affection that you used to, whether the thoughts/urges are there or not and regardless of your confusion over what your intentions might be. So come on, relax, and as always try to engage your mind in something else for a while.

[Cora]

1 minute ago, malina said:

You really need to stop focusing on these minor things. I know they seem like a really big deal to you, but they are not. Your mind isn't in a good place right now, you are in the midst of dealing with a lot of OCD obsessions and intrusions and, as a result, a lot of things are disoriented. I've been saying to you that you should go ahead and hug your brother and give him kisses and all the affection that you used to, whether the thoughts/urges are there or not and regardless of your confusion over what your intentions might be. So come on, relax, and as always try to engage your mind in something else for a while.

I'm so sorry, malina. I don't know how to calm down. I feel like I've abused my brother. I'm in a bit of shock, I can't believe that it actually happened. 

I will go away for now. 

[malina]

5 minutes ago, Cora said:

I'm so sorry, malina. I don't know how to calm down. I feel like I've abused my brother. I'm in a bit of shock, I can't believe that it actually happened. 

I will go away for now. 

Yes, you are in a bit of shock - you're experiencing a wave of anxiety now. This seems very different to you, but it is the same thing that you have experienced and posted about so many times now. So just take deep breaths and just try to do something else for a little while. It'll be okay, hang in there!

[Cora]

I'm sorry. I'm stuck. I don't have the energy to revisit what happened but I'm sure I did something terrible. 

[Cora]

I am a monster. I am actually a monster. I've been doing and feeling terrible things for a year, a whole year. There's no way this is just OCD. I am a monster indeed. So what do I do now, especially that I'm becoming an even bigger monster by every second? 

[Cora]

I'm sorry. I was on the forum reading posts of other people struggling with similar fears and I came across a post that caused me a true arousal. I honestly don't know what to do. I'm at work but I can't do anything. I'm feeling terrible. This and the abuse is too much for me in a day. 

Edited December 6, 2020 by Cora