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I don't know if anything can stop me


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Cora, you have to stop this. I know you feel awful and this is really hard, but you need to calm down. Call the therapist tomorrow and see if you can arrange an appointment or even have a chat over the phone. You're going to be okay but you're obviously in a very bad place and you need help.

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4 hours ago, Cora said:

I am a monster. I am actually a monster. I've been doing and feeling terrible things for a year, a whole year. There's no way this is just OCD. I am a monster indeed. So what do I do now, especially that I'm becoming an even bigger monster by every second? 

What about doing something different? Because what you've been doing for the past year sure isn't working.

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I'm gonna try see my first therapist this week - I know I said he doesn't use the best approach but he's my only option at the moment - but I think it's hopeless. I seriously think I'm so disgusting that I can't be fixed no matter what.

While I was reading that post today I realised that if I wanted, I could masturbate to anything inappropriate, including children. And yes, you might say that I don't do it, but that doesn't mean anything; or maybe it does mean something: that I'm denial and repressing who I actually am. I was at work and I felt like I wanted to masturbate; if that happens in weird places like that, imagine how my body "works" when I'm at home. And while I was working I felt like I couldn't wait to get home so I could do it. And now I'm scared to go in my room because I'm afraid I'll do it. 

And only minutes ago I helped my brother to put his pjs on and got a feeling of "attraction" mixed with some very disgusting thoughts and urges while looking at his legs. This, once again, shows how disgusting I am and how I literally can't be fixed. 

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I'm sorry if this upsets anyone, but a part of me really believes that kticktock was right. Maybe I do need a different kind of professional help. My thoughts, ideas, feelings and urges are so deviant and disgusting that they exceed the normal OCD characteristics.

This morning I had to help my brother to get ready for school. As soon as he woke up I felt something terrible when he gave me a hug. Same thing about half an hour later. I even had an inappropriate dream about him and woke up realising that I get the exact same feelings and thoughts (as in the dream) every single day and it's definitely not OCD. And before going to bed I felt like I really wanted to masturbate to inappropriate scenarios involving him. 

I was also on instagram last night and saw lots of posts about anxiety in my feed. And I realised that I am so so different than (almost) everyone else out there who struggles with anxiety. Yes, I probably have some symptoms here and there, but I'm convinced that they are caused by different things, such as lack of sleep and not being constant with medication. 

Wanting to abuse your brother, him to touch you inappropriately and liking the disguting feelings caused by thoughts and urges definitely doesn't scream OCD, instead it scream paedophilia.

Again, I'm sorry if this post upsets anyone. Also, I'm sorry for being like this and that you have to deal with me. 

Edited by Cora
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1 hour ago, Cora said:

I'm convinced that they are caused by different things, such as lack of sleep and not being constant with medication

I really hope this is still not the case @Cora. You said you would start taking it properly.

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Just now, Cora said:

I am taking it properly now, I was talking about last time. 

Ah good! I had a bit of a panic when I saw that and was ready to go into lecture mode. But I'm very happy that you are taking the meds properly, and really sorry I doubted you there!

Also, note that out of your entire confession there, this was the only thing that concerned me. That should say something!

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52 minutes ago, malina said:

Ah good! I had a bit of a panic when I saw that and was ready to go into lecture mode. But I'm very happy that you are taking the meds properly, and really sorry I doubted you there!

You are very kind, malina! 

51 minutes ago, malina said:

Also, note that out of your entire confession there, this was the only thing that concerned me. That should say something!

I don't know. I really feel like a monster; in my head everything points to that.

I was trying to take a nap earlier (just so I don't have to be awake and feel like ****) but all I could think about while in bed was that I like (in a sick way) being touched by my brother. I don't know what that is but I feel something very very sexual whenever my brother touches me - I can't even describe it properly, but I'm almost sure that I like it, which is terrible. I liked it (again, in a sick way) when he hugged me this morning and it was sick. I just don't get it, I honestly don't. 

Also, I want to let you know that I made an appointment with my (old) therapist for Wednesday. Frankly, I'm scared to my very bones to see him and I even have doubts about going. 

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Cora you must stop obsessing over your brother or it will only get worse and become more scary and more real. I know it's easier said than done but it is like a snowball and it gets bigger and less manageable each time. Your brain is so hyper sensitive to thoughts towards your brother it gives your body signals that are wrong and then the cycle continues. You will destroy everything you are or love if you allow this. Fight back. You must

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I'm sorry. I can't do this. I picked up brother from school and we just got home. The urges are way too much for me; they started as soon as I left the house. I had an arousal all the way to the school because of the urges. And now that I'm back home I feel like I actually want to do something bad to him. I think I actually want to, like I have to, like I must to. He just said he needed toliet and the arousal got even stronger. My brother is not safe around me and no one else is home. I don't know what to do. I'm a monster. 

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2 hours ago, MarieJo said:

Your brain is so hyper sensitive to thoughts towards your brother it gives your body signals that are wrong and then the cycle continues.

Thank you, MarieJo. 

But what if it's meant for me to have these body signals? What if I'm actually a paedophile? 

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14 minutes ago, Cas24 said:

Let’s try and focus on something else Cora.

what are you studying at Uni or college

Thank you, Cas. You are really kind. 

However, I'm afraid nothing will work in this moment. Nothing can change what I am.

Edited by Cora
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7 minutes ago, Cora said:

Thank you, Cas. You are really kind. 

However, I'm afraid nothing will work in this moment. Nothing can change what I am.

I'm really sorry if this came off as mean, Cas, that's really not my intention.

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Cora, I know you think dwelling on this is the only way believe me I have been there. But you have to try and not react, as hard as it. You have read my posts and you know I have been in a bad place and the only way I have managed to come out of it is by not reacting to the thoughts, feelings and urges.  Try your very hardest to treat this as OCD even just for an hour and then for another hour even when the thoughts are screaming at you keep ignoring them, keep busy if you have to.  Things become clearer, I promise, you just have to try. We can keep posting support (and we will) but it will mean nothing if you don’t try. 

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1 hour ago, Cas24 said:

Cora, I know you think dwelling on this is the only way believe me I have been there. But you have to try and not react, as hard as it. You have read my posts and you know I have been in a bad place and the only way I have managed to come out of it is by not reacting to the thoughts, feelings and urges.  Try your very hardest to treat this as OCD even just for an hour and then for another hour even when the thoughts are screaming at you keep ignoring them, keep busy if you have to.  Things become clearer, I promise, you just have to try. We can keep posting support (and we will) but it will mean nothing if you don’t try. 

Thank you, Cas.

I'm really happy for you and that you managed to get better - that is really good news. ?

The thing with me is that all my urges feel like desires, like nothing can stop me, like I have to do it, like I need to do it, which is terrible. I also think that even though I don't mean to, I still abuse my brother by having such urges and enjoying certain feelings when he touches me. I don't know if you saw it, but I posted yesterday about how I think I abused him by enjoying his kiss in a sick way - I know it happened, I wish it were just a product of my mind but no, it's not. 

I think I'm different than anyone else in comparison to people who actually struggle with OCD. I am by no means saying that I'm special (although that would be a good joke) but there's definitely lots of things that point to how this is so much more than OCD. And I know that if that's what I actually think, I shouldn't probably be here, but I have no one else to talk to so it's kind of a weird situation, which I'm sorry for.  

Edited by Cora
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26 minutes ago, Cora said:

Thank you, Cas.

I'm really happy for you and that you managed to get better - that is really good news. ?

The thing with me is that all my urges feel like desires, like nothing can stop me, like I have to do it, like I need to do it, which is terrible. I also think that even though I don't mean to, I still abuse my brother by having such urges and enjoying certain feelings when he touches me. I don't know if you saw it, but I posted yesterday about how I think I abused him by enjoying his kiss in a sick way - I know it happened, I wish it were just a product of my mind but no, it's not. 

I think I'm different than anyone else in comparison to people who actually struggle with OCD. I am by no means saying that I'm special (although that would be a good joke) but there's definitely lots of things that point to how this is so much more than OCD. And I know that if that's what I actually think, I shouldn't probably be here, but I have no one else to talk to so it's kind of a weird situation, which I'm sorry for.  

Bless you, I am definitely not better just in a better place to fight it, still a long way and lots of hard work yet. 
 

you say nothing can stop you, yet you haven’t done it- that is the important point. I know how real it feels and how horrific it makes you feel inside. And then because that’s not bad enough it makes you feel like you want these thoughts. I understand.  I know how easy it is to take all this so called ‘evidence’ your brain provides and take it as a false reality. But we can’t. We’re lucky in a way because we can go through this together. But first things first stop calling yourself a monster. I was also doing that but it makes the power of OCD stronger. What steps do you think you could do to help yourself? The hardest bit is the guilt and feeling like you don’t deserve to get better but you have to try regardless. You will feel like **** the first few days and it won’t feel like it’s helping but then you will have ten minutes where you feel normal and that ten minutes will increase to twenty minutes. Each time you don’t react to the thoughts by calling yourself a monster or by getting upset they get weaker. And I will be here going through it with you (do not say you’re different because that will not help) and I will be posting when I need a little bit of encouragement too. I don’t want you to reply saying but I am different because a b and c. I want you to say a big FU to all the so called evidence And just at least try for a few days. 

 

 

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You seem like a really caring person and I do not believe you are what you think you are. You are unwell and all the obsessing is making everything worse. If you wanted to harm your brother you would have done it by now. Can I ask your age? I have had ocd since I was a kid, around 10. My ocd shifts. I have obsessed over just about everything I love the most. It is very cruel condition.

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I just burst into tears after I realised that I am a danger to my brother. I am actually a danger to my brother.

Why me though? Or why does all this have to be so bad? I just can't believe this. 

I just messaged my boyfriend, telling him a bit about what has been going on lately and he seemed so disappointed. I know he is human and he has his own troubles too, but he did seem upset, especially by the urges part. 

This is so bad. I really think I'm gonna explode. 

Edited by Cora
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4 minutes ago, Cas24 said:

Bless you, I am definitely not better just in a better place to fight it, still a long way and lots of hard work yet. 
 

you say nothing can stop you, yet you haven’t done it- that is the important point. I know how real it feels and how horrific it makes you feel inside. And then because that’s not bad enough it makes you feel like you want these thoughts. I understand.  I know how easy it is to take all this so called ‘evidence’ your brain provides and take it as a false reality. But we can’t. We’re lucky in a way because we can go through this together. But first things first stop calling yourself a monster. I was also doing that but it makes the power of OCD stronger. What steps do you think you could do to help yourself? The hardest bit is the guilt and feeling like you don’t deserve to get better but you have to try regardless. You will feel like **** the first few days and it won’t feel like it’s helping but then you will have ten minutes where you feel normal and that ten minutes will increase to twenty minutes. Each time you don’t react to the thoughts by calling yourself a monster or by getting upset they get weaker. And I will be here going through it with you (do not say you’re different because that will not help) and I will be posting when I need a little bit of encouragement too. I don’t want you to reply saying but I am different because a b and c. I want you to say a big FU to all the so called evidence And just at least try for a few days. 

 

 

Thank you so much, Cas. You are really kind to me. I really appreciate your help. Thank you. 

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9 minutes ago, MarieJo said:

You seem like a really caring person and I do not believe you are what you think you are. You are unwell and all the obsessing is making everything worse. If you wanted to harm your brother you would have done it by now. Can I ask your age? I have had ocd since I was a kid, around 10. My ocd shifts. I have obsessed over just about everything I love the most. It is very cruel condition.

Thank you, @MarieJo.

The thing is I think I already harmed him by enjoying kisses and hugs from him in a very weird, sick way. 

I'm 22 (and my brother is 8, nearly 9) and this thing has been going on for about 4 years, more or less, I think. It started with sexual thoughts about God, then dad and then brother. The first two were so much different though and it did look like OCD, whereas the third one... 

Edited by Cora
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11 hours ago, Cora said:

But I am, polarbear. I don't know how you don't see what I see. 

Not just me. It's everyone who reads your posts. There is a lot of them. Many don't reply.

Everything about your story screams OCD. And that's all. You don't see it because you are trapped inside your mind with the OCD. You are blind to ehat is actually happening to you.

The sad thing is that it's all fixable. But so far you won't take the leap necessary into recovery.

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