I don't know if anything can stop me

[PolarBear]

43 minutes ago, Cora said:

I'm so sorry, malina. I know I'm annoying. But I can't stop worrying. Just can't. And I also can't stop feeling guilty, which to me means that it's all true. If it weren't true, I would definitely not feel guilty. 

Not true. I've told you before that feeling guilty is a normal consequence of obsessions,  just like anxiety, shame or disgust.

 

[Cora]

2 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Not true. I've told you before that feeling guilty is a normal consequence of obsessions,  just like anxiety, shame or disgust.

 

I understand, polarbear, but the feeling is so strong and overwhelming that it seems I'm going to explode, so that scares me. 

I'm so upset and angry. I've been in this state for more than a year and I can't seem to move on. I seriously don't know why I'm still alive. If the therapist tells me that I sexually abused my cousin and brother, I don't know what I'm going to do, I really don't. My life has no sense. And if think about it, it never had. I've been a weirdo and sicko my entire life. 

Edited December 11, 2020 by Cora

[Cora]

I can't calm down. I keep thinking about all those incidents and trying to play through my memories to see if I did anything else that I should worry about. I seriously don't know what to do to stop feeling this. I keep remembering moments where I had weird impulses while being in very close contact with my brother. I keep thinking about all my urges and feelings of attraction. I keep thinking about how I feel at the moment - I feel like I want to go out in the world and hurt everything and everyone in my way. 

I don't know how I'll survive for the next weeks. I have no desire to live knowing that I caused so much harm and that I want to cause even more harm.  

I also don't understand how people don't see what I see. Keeping my baby cousin's feet on my pelvic area (for 20 seconds or so) so I could enjoy the feeling in my groin is not abuse? Having a sexual thought while giving a kiss to my brother, being aware of it and kissing him again because of that thought is not abuse? Impulsively kissing brother (on the cheek) after a sexual thought is not abuse? 

I feel bad for myself but I shouldn't really. I don't deserve it. 

I would gladly call the police but I'm too much of a coward. 

Edited December 12, 2020 by Cora

[PolarBear]

You say you play through your memories. Then you say you don't know what to do to stop feeling the way you are.

The answer is: stop playing through your memories! That is where the problem lies. That's your big compulsion. See? You do it all the time and you feel rotten all the time. The rottenness is being caused by your behavior.

By going over things in your head constantly, you never give yourself a break. What you need to learn is that you can learn to control that. 

[Cora]

28 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

You say you play through your memories. Then you say you don't know what to do to stop feeling the way you are.

I know I don't make much sense. The thing is that I'm feeling so much guilt that I have to play through my memories. 

I've done something very bad, right? I've abused my cousin and brother, right? 

[PolarBear]

You know I'm not going to answer your questions.

Now, you've asked what you can do to stop feeling the way you do. I just told you in my previous post. Your objection is noted and dismissed. 

Edited December 12, 2020 by PolarBear

[Cora]

I'm really sorry. I just stumbled upon an older post on this forum that made me worry even more. 

And now in my brain it's confirmed that I abused my cousin and brother. 

I don't know what else to say... 

[Cora]

And something else. I've just realised that I've done things (I'm really sorry for the details), such as masturbating and enjoying certain sensations/feelings when thinking of/seeing/imagining something inappropriate, and not (completely) regret it. I'm in bed and can't stop thinking that I want to keep doing bad things again. Like I can feel that there is something in my whole body (don't think it's anxiety) that makes me feel excited and curious about what I could do. 

Again, no words. Except that this is more proof that I'm a sexual deviant (to be honest, I don't know if I believe this anymore; some abnormal things seem normal to me now).

Edited December 12, 2020 by Cora

[malina]

Cora, stop. You've made an appointment with the therapist and you're nervous, so now you're spiralling into panic mode again. Everything will be okay, but you just have to calm down and keep focused on the fact that you need to get better.

[Cora]

I just woke up and can't stop feeling these urges (almost desires) towards to my brother. It's terrible. 

[Cora]

I know people are sick of me but I'm still pretty bad.

Because I'm not feeling well I chose not to go to work. Instead I am now in the living room with my brother. And the urges are just way too much for me. However, the urges themselves are the not the worst part; the worst part is that I really feel like I want to act on them by actually doing something bad to my brother or go into my room and masturbate to them (I'm really sorry for the details). What do I do? I forced myself to sleep all day hoping they would go away but they are still here, even stronger.

[PolarBear]

Nothing new here Cora.

No doubt your biggest problem is that you ruminate,  like crazy. You sit there and go over the thoughts in your head, again and again. It's a compulsion that keeps you stuck.

Getting your mind off the thoughts and onto other things, giving your mind a rest, will do you a world of good.

[MarieJo]

Cora. Can I ask how long these feelings have been bothering you? Was everything ok previous to this onset and have you any idea what caused this? Polar bear, can I ask you axwuestion too please? Are you in control of your ocd? I gave suffered for so long. Recently I have had a crisis. I was feeling better yesterday but today bad again. It's just such a vile illness. I felt like I wanted to die last week. That's so awful to admit. What did we do to deserve such torture. Cora, you really need to do as polar bear suggests as you are getting more poorly and it's a downwood spiral if you allow it to be x

[Cora]

I do ruminate but not that much. Wanting to act on the urges just happens out of blue, or at least that's what it feels like; it's not affected by ruminating. 

Edited December 12, 2020 by Cora

[Cora]

Just now, MarieJo said:

Cora. Can I ask how long these feelings have been bothering you? Was everything ok previous to this onset and have you any idea what caused this? Polar bear, can I ask you axwuestion too please? Are you in control of your ocd? I gave suffered for so long. Recently I have had a crisis. I was feeling better yesterday but today bad again. It's just such a vile illness. I felt like I wanted to die last week. That's so awful to admit. What did we do to deserve such torture. Cora, you really need to do as polar bear suggests as you are getting more poorly and it's a downwood spiral if you allow it to be x

I'm really sorry to hear that you're struggling as well, @MarieJo. 

I've been feeling like this for more than a year. I'm not really sure what caused this but it switched from sexual thoughts about God and my dad to sexual thoughts about children. 

[PolarBear]

MarieJo, I consider myself an ex-sufferer. I rarely get intrusive thoughts and when I do, they don't bother me. I don't do compulsions. 

[PolarBear]

6 minutes ago, Cora said:

I do ruminate but not that much. Wanting to act on the urges just happenes out of blue, or at least that's what it feels like; it's not affected by ruminating. 

Well,  I guarantee you do compulsions.

Compulsions are the gasoline that runs the OCD engine.

[Cora]

At the moment, I'm feeling very angry - I don't really know why I feel this way but I feel like everything makes me irritated. I'm feeling angry at everyone, especially myself and family. That makes my urges feel 10 times worse. I feel like I'm about to snap and do something bad. But at the same time it feels like I actually want to act on them. I don't know how to deal with this. 

[Cora]

Also, there is something else. 

I helped my brother take a shower and he asked me to help him dry off. While I was drying off his legs I slightly touched his private area. Of course, immediately after I had an urge to touch it again but I didn't do it despite of how terrible it (the urge) was.

But now I'm stuck with that image in my head. And it seems like I enjoyed touching him there, but I can't tell. Whenever the image pops in my head, I feel some sort of excitment but it only lasts for a second because I'm trying to push it away. But again, I don't know what I'm feeling. 

I'm sorry. I know confessing this won't help but it makes me feel so gross. 

[Cora]

54 minutes ago, Cora said:

I helped my brother take a shower and he asked me to help him dry off. While I was drying off his legs I slightly touched his private area. Of course, immediately after I had an urge to touch it again but I didn't do it despite of how terrible it (the urge) was.

I forgot to mention that it was an accident - I didn't meant to touch him there. 

Edited December 12, 2020 by Cora

[iamwesker]

Cora we know it was an accident and so do you. Your ocd really is spiralling now. I understand it is so hard to beat but the more you pay attention to those thoughts, the more you dig a hole

[Cora]

There's clearly something wrong with me.

As I was trying to fall asleep, I realised that I don't act on these damn urges just because I know I would feel bad afterwards, not because I find them wrong.

I can vividly remember certain moments when my brother touched me (kiss or hug) and I enjoyed it in a sick way, but I only pushed him away or told him to stop because I didn't want to feel bad after not because I thought it was a terrible thing to do (to enjoy it in a sick way). 

I'm sick to my stomach. I think that if I have kids (I hope I never do though), I will want to do something bad to them - I can feel it in my body. 

I can't understand what's going on. I hate myself and feel like I'm going crazy. I'm also mad because I never asked for this sh!t. Never. I just want to scream and punch myself in the head. That's all I want to do. 

[PolarBear]

Your way still isn't working for you, is it?

[MarieJo]

Cora I used to have images or thoughts that I pushed someone in front of a train or pushed my baby's buggy in the sea on holiday, or dropped my baby on his head in purpose. I also once convinced myself I had killed someone. I then thought I was a peado for a while. I then felt I had something growing out of my arm. I was scared to send a letter in case I wrote something bad on it. I am scared to have sex in case an intrusive thought pops up. This illness is complex and diverse and cruel.

[Cora]

6 hours ago, MarieJo said:

Cora I used to have images or thoughts that I pushed someone in front of a train or pushed my baby's buggy in the sea on holiday, or dropped my baby on his head in purpose. I also once convinced myself I had killed someone. I then thought I was a peado for a while. I then felt I had something growing out of my arm. I was scared to send a letter in case I wrote something bad on it. I am scared to have sex in case an intrusive thought pops up. This illness is complex and diverse and cruel.

I'm sorry, @MarieJo, that you had to go through so much. 

The thing is you can clearly tell that you're struggling with OCD, with me - you can never know.