Setting limits with reassurances?

[Meggie]

Hi all,

My partner is about a year into his OCD journey - he struggles mainly with obsessions about contamination, which centre a lot around being responsible for other people's illness or, in worst case scenarios, their death. This has of course been difficult to navigate for him with the very unhelpful event of a global pandemic. He is having telephone therapy currently but is very weary towards any mention of medication.

This has had quite an impact on our relationship - I often go to bed these days realising we've spoken about little else other than his anxieties. We also live separately, which has meant that recently our time together has been entirely spent outside, & the majority of this time is spent desperately trying to avoid others so as not to increase his worries.

I've found myself getting progressively more frustrated towards the OCD and hate how guilty this makes him feel as well. For the last 6/7 months I have been desperately trying to provide reassurance whenever he asks (which could be 10-20x a day), but have realised now that this is pretty much the opposite of what I should be doing so have begun to try & implement some boundaries around this now. I feel awful essentially saying no when his anxieties are high and it's caused a lot of emotional, sometimes argumentative, discussions, but I am also exhausted & am starting to worry about how everything is impacting my own wellbeing as well as the relationship. We'll be moving in together next year & I've found that I've started worrying about how this will be too.

Has anyone else found some good ways of navigating boundary setting, or have any useful resources I could look into to help me construct a more helpful narrative around the OCD and reassurance?

Thanks so much

[Darwinia]

Yes, yes. I'm halfway through listening to this https://www.ocduk.org/conference/conference-map/main/understanding-why-people-with-ocd-do-what-they-do/ I've not even had a chance to listen to all the Q&A at the end of it but already got loads out of it myself (as someone with OCD) and I think you would find it helpful. Showing it to my partner next week when we have some quiet time together. 

[Meggie]

On 12/12/2020 at 21:30, Darwinia said:

Yes, yes. I'm halfway through listening to this https://www.ocduk.org/conference/conference-map/main/understanding-why-people-with-ocd-do-what-they-do/ I've not even had a chance to listen to all the Q&A at the end of it but already got loads out of it myself (as someone with OCD) and I think you would find it helpful. Showing it to my partner next week when we have some quiet time together. 

Thanks so much! I'll have a look - glad you found it useful!

[Handy]

If you’re enabling him it’ll just get stronger. Reassurance also makes it stronger. Maybe you could limit your reassurance? 
 

Also think about why you’re in this relationship, what is your payback for reassuring & enabling? 
 

Obsessed TV shows real CBT for this & it does couples too.