I've became a psychopath

[Savy]

Hi, I’ve been a sufferer of harm OCD for a really long time. I’ve had the typical high anxiety, intrusive thoughts, compulsions, and feelings that came with OCD and yes, I was professionally diagnosed. One day it felt like my psyche just snapped and the anxiety was gone. I felt very depressed that day. I remember genuinely thinking I would unalive myself so that I couldn’t hurt others but now it’s like I just don’t feel the same anymore? It’s like i’m having some sort of existential harm OCD in a way? I don’t know how to describe it because I literally don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know how to really explain it. I was talking on the phone with an old friend today and we were talking about how there are just some very strong opinions of mine that would never change such as my stance on lgbtq rights or that pedophilia was wrong. He then agreed and stated that his mind will never change at the fact that nobody has the right to take somebody’s life. I then had the urge to ruminate/ponder on this like I was confused on why. I’m confused on whether I agree with the thoughts or not, like I genuinely don’t know. I feel like death doesn’t matter. Sometimes when I think about how this probably derived from my harm OCD since I obviously still don’t want to be a bad person given the fact that I focus on this so much, my brain tells me I don’t and I try to convince myself I do. This is not normal behavior, and I honestly find it hard to love myself and just live my life because of it.

[Caramoole]

No Savvy, you haven't become a Pyschopath, you are a diagnosed OCD sufferer who's brain spins off into pondering and ruminating on all manner of thoughts that life throws our way.  I was a Psychopath, a paedophile, a danger to any unsuspecting person that crossed my path, someone who'd committed murders but couldn't remember, had life threatening illnesses...I could go on.  Started 1976.  20 years suffered in secret until 1996 until I had to confess because I was so dangerous.  Took another 10 years to be convinced....and probably another 5 years working on it.  I still work to perfect & hone the model.

Don't waste all those years trying to work it out, to have it "feel right" before you can be sure.  I come from the time of the dinosaurs when in 1976 the term & diagnosis of OCD hadn't been categorised, didn"t exist.  I simply though I was insane & there was no public information available to advise me otherwise.  There is now.  That doesn't for one minute mean that everything you feel & fear doesn't feel every bit as real & convincing as I felt, it will but there is the slight advantage of knowledge that's available.  You have to use that.

Ruminating, thinking, trying to work it out, beating yourself up won't work & never will.  What help are you getting right now?  Who've you spoken to this about professionally?  This can improve....I know it's neither simple or easy but it can.....and the first thing you can do is label yourself as a sufferer of OCD and ditch the one of Psychopath.  Come on, you can do this and deserve to

[Savy]

On 13/12/2020 at 21:10, Caramoole said:

  That doesn't for one minute mean that everything you feel & fear doesn't feel every bit as real & convincing as I felt

But how real can it feel? What is the limit? These thoughts of mine that I used to fear and supress feel like they've become genuine and i think about them on purpose now. It's like i'm having an exsitential crisis about things I should already know.

[PolarBear]

Why wouldn't the thoughts seem real? They come from the same place as all your other thoughts.

If the thoughts didn't seem real you wouldn't have a disorder. 

[Caramoole]

3 hours ago, Savy said:

But how real can it feel? What is the limit? These thoughts of mine that I used to fear and supress feel like they've become genuine and i think about them on purpose now. It's like i'm having an exsitential crisis about things I should already know.

If the thoughts didn't feel real they wouldn't hold the power they do.  This disorder makes any particular doubt or fear or feeling feel 100% convincing & real, whether that's fear of contamination or of being a paedophile or a psychopath or whatever.

The feelings "feel" real but fortunately, there is now so much information available to show you how common this is.  You have to use that, take the leap of faith and try to work with trusted advice....both from therapists and fellow sufferers.  This can be controlled or even beaten.  It's a  none brainer not to choose that route.  Even so, we all know the power of those doubts and fears.  Be brave and trust

[Savy]

6 hours ago, Caramoole said:

If the thoughts didn't feel real they wouldn't hold the power they do.  This disorder makes any particular doubt or fear or feeling feel 100% convincing & real, whether that's fear of contamination or of being a paedophile or a psychopath or whatever.

The feelings "feel" real but fortunately, there is now so much information available to show you how common this is.  You have to use that, take the leap of faith and try to work with trusted advice....both from therapists and fellow sufferers.  This can be controlled or even beaten.  It's a  none brainer not to choose that route.  Even so, we all know the power of those doubts and fears.  Be brave and trust

I know what you mean, but OCD sufferers know that their thoughts are ridiculous/terrible. I feel like I don't know what's so wrong about them like I used to. That's why I can't let this go. I've legitimately lost my morals or something.

[malina]

1 hour ago, Savy said:

I know what you mean, but OCD sufferers know that their thoughts are ridiculous/terrible. I feel like I don't know what's so wrong about them like I used to. That's why I can't let this go. I've legitimately lost my morals or something.

Not always, many of us sometimes believe that we enjoy the thoughts or don't care about them. This disorder is very confusing! And if you've lost you're morals, then why are you here worrying about it?

[Savy]

34 minutes ago, malina said:

Not always, many of us sometimes believe that we enjoy the thoughts or don't care about them. This disorder is very confusing! And if you've lost you're morals, then why are you here worrying about it?

I can't really say I'm worrying about it. My anxiety has left me years ago and I pretty much just obsess now. I know that what I felt in the beginning was definitely OCD but it feel completely different now. I think the only reason why I know it's wrong is because I haven't always been like this. Also, I grew up fairly normal in a society that deems these thoughts as horrible and scary so with that, I think I'd take the hint that these psychopathic thoughts and feelings arn't right.

Edited December 16, 2020 by Savy
Spelling error

[Savy]

?

[hazydaze]

Have you looked up what psychopaths are?? If you haven't, it is someone with no empathy, stunted emotions, lack of guilt. 

There's your answer right there. You're on here proving that you are not a psychopath.

You're experiencing OCD. A psychopath isn't worried about being one. They don't even have the emotional capability to do so. This is plain old OCD, spinning it's web so ferociously and twisted that you're confused and aren't sure which way is up!! OCD does that. It does that often. You're performing compulsions by ruminating on this. It may feel differently, but that's one of the main things that we say as OCD sufferers: "This time it's different." It's like, the OCD slogan. But it is always a lie, because OCD always lies.

Best wishes!

Edited December 18, 2020 by hazydaze