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I'm a horrible person


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I'm sorry everyone, especially to people who have tried to help me, but I'm a horrible person. I'm sorry. 

There are way too many things that show how horrible I am.

It starts with the incidents with my cousin and brother. Unforgivable and abuse are the only two (random) words I can use to describe it.

Then it continues with all the terrible urges and feelings. (For the past days, I've developed new feelings - I don't feel that sibling love for my brother that I used to feel before. He annoys me and makes me feel irritated most of the time - I'm really sorry, but it's the truth.)

Then it carries on with disgusting feelings towards animals. Yes, you heard me right. (I just remembered that when I was playing with my boyfriend's dog last week l did it with terrible intentions.)

Then we have the disgusting behaviours: enjoying and engaging with certain feelings, sensations and thought during intimate moments. 

I'm a dirty, disgusting, selfish and abusive person. I'm nothing in this world, and I'll never be. Shame on me that I still have the desire to live.  

 

Edited by Cora
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Okay, something just happened. 

I was in the living room and heard my brother making some weird noise (by weird I mean that it sounded sexual, I'm sorry). And then... I started experiencing a massive urge to molest him.

I can't describe how awful it was. I really felt I wanted to act on that urge. Like I really wanted to.

I then went into my room panicking and trying to understand what happened. I felt a very strong pressure/sensation in my groinal area. And I did something terrible. I gently squeezed my thighs together (as a form of masturbation) because of how strong that urge was. 

Please, help me. I'm a mess. I just did something terrible. 

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6 minutes ago, Cora said:

I think I need to go to the police. The first reason for that is obvious. The second one is that I don't feel enough remorse and I feel like I'm ready to do something even worse. 

If you feel that bad - maybe it is time to go to the police. They will see you have a mental illness and put you in touch with urgent care.

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Hey Cora,

im really sorry that you are struggling so much, I know you’re in a lot of pain but you really have to stop this. By panicking and then writing confession after confession, you’re making things worse. If you continue feeling like this, maybe calling your GP first thing tomorrow is the best idea. You can’t keep going on this endless spiral. Please stay strong and take care of yourself.

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Cora....if you wanted to do these things and really enjoyed it all then you wouldn't be in as much distress as you are and posting on here. It's all OCD tightening it's grip and deceiving you. Please to and get an emergency gp appt....or even go to Walk in clinic....you need help to get you out of this horrible place which you DO NOT deserve to be in xxx

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I'm so sorry bodge, but the thing is I really wanted to do something bad to my brother. And I'm ashamed to say this but the fact that I ended up masturbating (I'm really really sorry for the details) shows how much I wanted to act on that urge. 

I feel dirty and ashamed. I'm so sorry for disappointing you and everyone else. 

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I don't think you actually masturbated, I think you just squeezed your thighs, that's all...which was probably just an involuntary body move which you were more aware of because you are scared. Please try to get help in the morning xxxx

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I'm so sorry, but it wasn't involuntary. I just gave in because it was too strong. So the conclusion is that I acted on an urge aimed to harm my brother. 

I know it's too late but I would like to ask what to do. I couldn't feel worse or dirty than I do now. 

Edited by Cora
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12 minutes ago, Cora said:

I know it's too late but I would like to ask what to do. I couldn't feel worse or dirty than I do now. 

I agree with @Bodge, you should go see your GP and try to get some help tomorrow morning. I can only give you the same advice as always - to calm down, let it go and engage with something else. But I understand that, right now, you're not able to do that. So you really need professional help Cora, even if it's just a chat with someone in person. For now, just try to calm down and get some perspective, you have been describing pretty much identical scenarios for months and the consistent advice has been to move on and stop engaging with it, this is what you must learn to do, but you need help to get there.

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1 minute ago, Cora said:

Thank you, malina, but I think what happened today was completely different than the other times. The evil side of me is getting bigger and bigger. 

Look Cora, right now I kind of want to shout some sense into you (sorry!). This isn't different! It's all the same thing, all of it, you have a mental illness, it's called OCD. Stop ruining your life and self diagnosing. Trust the professionals and this entire community. You have no idea what you are talking about and you're driving yourself further and further down a spiral of mental illness because you won't listen to reason. The idea of calling the police is completely insane, you haven't done anything and I won't accept you telling me otherwise.

I'm sorry Cora, I really don't want to be harsh but someone has to talk some sense into you. So stop this, take a deep breath and calm down. Then tomorrow go see your GP and explain that you're going through a crisis and need to talk to someone.

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36 minutes ago, malina said:

This isn't different!

I know this sounds so rude (I'm sorry, malina!) but you have no idea how different it was. I promise. Today I was the worst monster I could ever be. I had a massive urge. And then I acted on it. In a weird way but still acted on it. 

19 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Maybe it's time for you yo try our way?

I feel like it's too late now. 

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2 minutes ago, Cora said:

I know this sounds so rude (I'm sorry, malina!) but you have no idea how different it was. I promise. Today I was the worst monster I could ever be. I had a massive urge. And then I acted on it. In a weird way but still acted on it.

And I'm very sorry too Cora, because I also don't want to be rude to you, but I really don't care how different it was. I can't just sit by and watch such a wonderful young person throw their life away for absolutely nothing. I realise this is all very hard, I promise you I understand, but please try to listen to all the voices of reason here. We've got your back and we're trying to tell you the right thing to do, you just have to take a leap of faith and listen (no matter how much your mind is telling you not to). So girl, please, try to get it together and listen.

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5 hours ago, malina said:

And I'm very sorry too Cora, because I also don't want to be rude to you, but I really don't care how different it was. I can't just sit by and watch such a wonderful young person throw their life away for absolutely nothing. I realise this is all very hard, I promise you I understand, but please try to listen to all the voices of reason here. We've got your back and we're trying to tell you the right thing to do, you just have to take a leap of faith and listen (no matter how much your mind is telling you not to). So girl, please, try to get it together and listen.

Malina, the thing is I felt like my brother was in real danger this time. And that's why I wanted to go to the police. I don't know how to describe it properly, but I felt like I really wanted to do something bad to him. And it kills me what I did. 

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4 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Excuses, excuses.

I suffered for nearly 40 years. I didn't start my journey to wellness until I was 48. Don't tell me it's too late for you.

I'm sorry, Polarbear, I meant no offense. 

I just thought that I crossed the line and nothing can be done anymore. 

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Again, I'm very sorry to everyone but I think I did something very bad yesterday. My brother was in danger. I can't ignore that. I know he was. I'm sure he was. And I don't know what to do now. And even worse. Hours later, while at work, I still felt like I wanted to hurt him. Like a real desire. 

I'm evil. 

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You have 2 choices Cora. Believe it is OCD and accept this awful and clever illness tricks your brain. Listen to us, we have all suffered too. We all thought or think our experience was different o

r real too at one stage, or go further and further into a dark hole until you no longer wish to live. Like Polar Bear I am 48 and have suffered since I was 10. I too thought I was evil. I only found out it was OCD at age 41 and only now have accepted help. You are young with so much in front of you. You deserve more. I have only just told my husband of 20 years. He knew I suffered anxiety and fear but not to the extent I do. Mine was triggered by trauma 

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I'm sorry. I can't stop feeling horrible. I feel like someone who behaves the way I do shouldn't be allowed to be free. I also feel like I've disappointed you again. And my boyfriend too (he knows about this incident as well). Once again, he seemed very upset, which made me realise how messed up all this situation actually is. 

The thing is if this had happened just this one time, it would have been easier for me to move on. But things like this happen constantly. It's like I don't want to control my body anymore, and I would rather give in to the bad stuff. I don't know what to say really...

Also, I just found out that my new therapist is free today for the initial consultation (we're supposed to have this before we engage in therapy) and I'm freaking out. I can't wait to talk to her but at the same time I don't want to. 

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