Please, don't hate me for this...

[malina]

9 minutes ago, Cora said:

In 15 minutes. 

Oh fantastic! Well best of luck, I'm sure it will go well!

[Cora]

1 minute ago, malina said:

Oh fantastic! Well best of luck, I'm sure it will go well!

Thank you, malina.

[hazydaze]

How did you appointment go, @Cora?

[Cora]

The appointment went great (well, if I exclude the tears, and feelings of shame and disgust for 60 minutes straight). The therapist didn't offer me any reassurance, except for the confirmation that this is OCD. When I asked what she thought about the incidents, she didn't say anything - just awkward silence - but I guess that's how things work if you truly are a good therapist. 

And now about me (I'm sorry). Two incidents happened today but I'm not going to confess. All I will say is that they made me feel terrible and reinforced my believes that I'm a danger to my brother, even though both you guys and my therapist think otherwise. I'm at work now (on my break) but I can't stop thinking that anything can happen when I go home as it feels like I truly want to give in and act on my obsessions. 

I don't know what else to say. 

Edited December 22, 2020 by Cora

[PolarBear]

Don't say anything. Focus on your work. Have a great day.

[malina]

7 minutes ago, Cora said:

The appointment went great (well, if I exclude the tears, and feelings of shame and disgust for 60 minutes straight). The therapist didn't offer me any reassurance, except for the confirmation that this is OCD. When I asked what she thought about the incidents, she didn't say anything - just awkward silence - but I guess that's how things work if you truly are a good therapist. 

And now about me (I'm sorry). Two incidents happened today but I'm not going to confess. All I will say is that they made me feel terrible and reinforced my believes that I'm a danger to my brother, even though both you guys and my therapist think otherwise. I'm at work now (on my break) but I can't stop thinking that anything can happen when I go home as it feels like I truly want to give in and act on my obsessions. 

I don't know what else to say. 

Yesssss!!! A big well done to you Cora, I am so happy to hear this! And also, well done on not confessing these two incidents. Even though I'm sorry you're still struggling today, I'm very proud of you!

[OxCD]

1 hour ago, Cora said:

The appointment went great (well, if I exclude the tears, and feelings of shame and disgust for 60 minutes straight). The therapist didn't offer me any reassurance, except for the confirmation that this is OCD. When I asked what she thought about the incidents, she didn't say anything - just awkward silence - but I guess that's how things work if you truly are a good therapist. 

And now about me (I'm sorry). Two incidents happened today but I'm not going to confess. All I will say is that they made me feel terrible and reinforced my believes that I'm a danger to my brother, even though both you guys and my therapist think otherwise. I'm at work now (on my break) but I can't stop thinking that anything can happen when I go home as it feels like I truly want to give in and act on my obsessions. 

I don't know what else to say. 

Well done @Cora. Tbh I’m glad you had feelings of shame and disgust and tears in your appointment. It means you told them what you’ve really been experiencing and they’ll be in a better position to help you.

[Cora]

Thank you, @malina and @OxCD. I appreciate your support. 

There is one thing that worries me (of course there is !). At the beginning of the session she mentioned that if needed, she will have to contact the child services. But now I'm worrying because I can't remember if she said she has to do it this time as well (based on the incidents with my brother and cousin). I suppose she would have said something about it at the end of the session, especially when I asked what she thought about it, but she didn't. But I don't know, maybe I misheard something. I'm very worried. 

Edited December 22, 2020 by Cora

[OxCD]

4 minutes ago, Cora said:

Thank you, @malina and @OxCD. I appreciate your support. 

There is one thing that worries me (of course there is !). At the beginning of the session she mentioned that if needed, she will have to contact the child services. But now I'm worrying because I can't remember if she said she has to do it this time as well (based on the incidents with my brother and cousin). I suppose she would have said something about it at the end of the session, especially when I asked what she thought about it, but she didn't. But I don't know, maybe I misheard something. I'm very worried. 

Yes - if needed. Professionals are usually obliged to report if they think someone is in actual danger. I have no doubt they will soon realise no one is in real danger.

[malina]

12 minutes ago, Cora said:

Thank you, @malina and @OxCD. I appreciate your support. 

There is one thing that worries me (of course there is !). At the beginning of the session she mentioned that if needed, she will have to contact the child services. But now I'm worrying because I can't remember if she said she has to do it this time as well (based on the incidents with my brother and cousin). I suppose she would have said something about it at the end of the session, especially when I asked what she thought about it, but she didn't. But I don't know, maybe I misheard something. I'm very worried. 

Hey Cora,

yes, therapists have a legal obligation to act if they think that somebody is in imminent danger. However, if she was intending to contact child services now, I expect that she would have made that completely clear to you. You wouldn't be sitting here wonderinf if you had misheard.

Also, this doesn't just apply to you. My therapist told me the same at the first session, they need to make this clear to every patient.

Edited December 22, 2020 by malina

[hazydaze]

6 hours ago, Cora said:

Thank you, @malina and @OxCD. I appreciate your support. 

There is one thing that worries me (of course there is !). At the beginning of the session she mentioned that if needed, she will have to contact the child services. But now I'm worrying because I can't remember if she said she has to do it this time as well (based on the incidents with my brother and cousin). I suppose she would have said something about it at the end of the session, especially when I asked what she thought about it, but she didn't. But I don't know, maybe I misheard something. I'm very worried. 

Good for you for sticking to your appointment and being honest!! You did so well!! Be proud

All therapists have to say that so don't worry. She would also have to contact authorities if she thought you were a danger to yourself. And I suspect that you wouldn't be free to leave from her office if she had to contact authorities for any reason. Just more OCD junk!

 

Edited December 23, 2020 by hazydaze

[Cora]

Thank you so much, @malina, @OxCD and @hazydaze. 

I am really sorry because I sound like a baby, and there are people who have it worse than me and still don't complain, but I feel so bad today and I can't understand why. I keep finding myself thinking disgusting thoughts on purpose and it's not even to test myself. I feel very guilty and ashamed. I don't know. I want to feel happy, especially because it's Christmas in two days, but I can't and I don't even feel like I'm allowed to. 

I'm sorry. I hope everyone else is okay. And once again, thank you for everything. 

Edited December 23, 2020 by Cora

[malina]

6 minutes ago, Cora said:

Thank you so much, @malina, @OxCD and @hazydaze. 

I am really sorry because I sound like a baby, and there are people who have it worse than me and still don't complain, but I feel so bad today and I can't understand why. I keep finding myself thinking disgusting thoughts on purpose and it's not even to test myself. I feel very guilty and ashamed. I don't know. I want to feel happy, especially because it's Christmas in two days, but I can't. 

I'm sorry. I hope everyone else is okay. And once again, thank you for everything. 

Cora, you need to do something else. I went through such a hard time when I was younger and I got through it by forcing myself to engage in different things everyday. Seriously, just accept that you're not going to feel perfect, log off this forum and do something else. Watch a film, read a book, go for a walk or run or anything. Just don't sit here dwelling on how bad you feel, that is the worst thing you can possibly do.

[Cora]

17 minutes ago, malina said:

Cora, you need to do something else. I went through such a hard time when I was younger and I got through it by forcing myself to engage in different things everyday. Seriously, just accept that you're not going to feel perfect, log off this forum and do something else. Watch a film, read a book, go for a walk or run or anything. Just don't sit here dwelling on how bad you feel, that is the worst thing you can possibly do.

Thanks, malina. 

But here is a weird thing. I've tried to keep my mind busy (wrapping presents, watching netflix, cleaning my room) but no matter what I do, I still feel like I want to give in and do something bad, which scares me so much. I guess I have to try harder. 

Edited December 23, 2020 by Cora

[malina]

9 minutes ago, Cora said:

Thanks, malina. 

But here is a weird thing. I've tried to keep my mind busy (wrapping presents, watching netflix, cleaning my room) but no matter what I do, I still feel like I want to give in and do something bad, which scares me so much. I guess I have to try harder. 

I know this feeling very well! You just keep going, that is the only thing that you need to do. The thoughts will be there, just let them be. Sometimes I'll be cooking and cutting up veg and the urge to use the knife against myself feels so incredibly strong, but I just stand there and keep chopping up my food. It's by doing this that my feelings have subsided, because my brain has learned that these thoughts cannot disrupt the activities I'm doing, so they are not really that important. So yes, clean your whole house if necessary, be active and just let the thoughts come and go.

[Cora]

Ah, I'm so sorry - this thread will probably be closed because of this but I understand it. 

My brother just gave me a kiss, but like a longer one - I'm sorry if this sounds weird (the kiss was probably 7 seconds). I didn't do anything. Didn't move. Didn't push him away. But what I did do was feeling lots, lots, lots of things everywhere in my body, including a very strong groinal response. The reason why I'm back here confessing is because I'm afraid I enjoyed the kiss in a sick way. How do I know that? Because while he was kissing me I had thoughts like: "This feels nice", "I like this", "I want to do something more than this". This is so awful. I should have not let him kiss me, right? Or at least, not for so long.

And things like this happen all the time. And that's why I feel like I'm a danger to my brother... 

Edited December 23, 2020 by Cora

[Cora]

8 minutes ago, malina said:

I know this feeling very well! You just keep going, that is the only thing that you need to do. The thoughts will be there, just let them be. Sometimes I'll be cooking and cutting up veg and the urge to use the knife against myself feels so incredibly strong, but I just stand there and keep chopping up my food. It's by doing this that my feelings have subsided, because my brain has learned that these thoughts cannot disrupt the activities I'm doing, so they are not really that important. So yes, clean your whole house if necessary, be active and just let the thoughts come and go.

Thank you, malina. I'm sorry for disappointing you again (and everyone else) with another confession. 

[malina]

34 minutes ago, Cora said:

Thank you, malina. I'm sorry for disappointing you again (and everyone else) with another confession. 

It's okay Cora, I don't think anyone expects you to be able to stop confessing after one therapy session. But still sticking to the policy, no reassurance! Enjoy your day

[hazydaze]

I think Malina is right to not give reassurance I have to admit that I do kind of want to give you reassurance but I'm afraid that isn't helpful. Just keep going @Cora. It's going to feel like absolute sh!t at first, but it gets better and it gets easier with practice!  You've got this!

[Cas24]

So glad you spoke to your therapist Cora very proud of you!

x

[felix4]

19 minutes ago, Cas24 said:

So glad you spoke to your therapist Cora very proud of you!

x

Me too! 

Very well done indeed, Cora! 

[Cora]

4 hours ago, Cas24 said:

So glad you spoke to your therapist Cora very proud of you!

x

 

4 hours ago, felix4 said:

Me too! 

Very well done indeed, Cora! 

Thank you, @Cas24 and @felix4.

[Cora]

7 hours ago, malina said:

It's okay Cora, I don't think anyone expects you to be able to stop confessing after one therapy session. But still sticking to the policy, no reassurance! Enjoy your day

 

5 hours ago, hazydaze said:

I think Malina is right to not give reassurance I have to admit that I do kind of want to give you reassurance but I'm afraid that isn't helpful. Just keep going @Cora. It's going to feel like absolute sh!t at first, but it gets better and it gets easier with practice!  You've got this!

Thanks, @malina and @hazydaze. 

I'm worried because I think I did something bad once again. I feel like I should have not let my brother kiss me. 

And it terrifies me how way too real all this feels. I understand that OCD can morph into something very real and scary, but I suppose there has to be a certain line or limit, right? But I think with me that limit has been crossed a long time ago - I seriously thought that I wanted to have sex with my brother when he kissed me and it almost felt like a desire. I don't know how to explain it so it makes sense, but all these feelings are too much and too real, and I don't think they'll ever go away. 

[PolarBear]

Cora, give it up. Really. You are just wasting your time trying to convince us this is not OCD. Your words started falling on deaf ears months ago.

Keep going to therapy.

[Cora]

41 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Cora, give it up. Really. You are just wasting your time trying to convince us this is not OCD. Your words started falling on deaf ears months ago.

Keep going to therapy.

But, polarbear, do you agree that I should have not let my brother kiss me?