Messed up... again :(

[Chels]

I’m so upset. My heart feels hurt, a physical pain. I have a confessing obsession, it’s taken over my life since I was young, it ruins everything good I have. I have confessed A LOT to my partner about my past (boyfriend/sexual encounters) because I feel so bad about it and regret it so much and feel Iv made quite a few mistakes growing up. It really gets to me (my past) and I worry he finds out someone I have slept with etc so I just verbal diarrhoea to be honest. It’s awful I wish I didn’t but I’m just not able to stop! Now it’s got to the point I think the thoughts he has in his head of my past and what Iv done (even though he told me not to tell him) and he’s in a mood, thinking... I don’t think it’s looking good  I can’t deal with anymore heartache. Iv ruined this myself, I know that  

[PolarBear]

You have to stop. Obvious, right? Few sufferers here don't know that they have to stop their compulsions, but many fail to fully comprehend why.

OCD is like an engine. The fuel it runs on is compulsions. If the goal is to make the engine stop, you have to stop feeding it. If you don't, it keeps running. And if you feed it more fuel, it revs up and goes faster.

In your case, each example of a mistake or bad thing from your past that your mind comes up with is accompanied with a bad feeling, like anxiety and guilt. You mistakenly believe that means you should pay attention. When you pay attention (by doing compulsions), you add fuel to the OCD engine. It urges on your disorder to create more, similar thoughts and that accompanying bad feeling becomes more intense. That causes you to react badly and pay more attention and the engine revs up again. 

It sounds like a vicious circle but it's more like a vicious spiral that comes with ever increasing obsessions, bad feelings and compulsions.

The only way out of the spiral is to make the engine stop. You do that by stopping feeding the engine with compulsions. 

When you stop feeding your OCD, at first it revs up on its own. It complains, loudly, that you aren't feeding it. But over time, the engine slows down. That means fewer obsessions and less intense bad feelings.

Over time, the obsessions seem less threatening, like less of a big deal. That means you pay less attention, which means less compulsions, which means less obsessions.

The spiral actually goes in reverse. Do you know what's at the end of that reverse spiral?

Peace.

[Tealight]

27 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

The spiral actually goes in reverse. Do you know what's at the end of that reverse spiral?

Peace.

Oh wow. That sounds so amazing!

I'm just at the start of my recovery...have had 4 high intensity CBT sessions and have spent hour upon hour reading a wide range of books and information on the internet. I am in my late 40's and have worked out my OCD began when I was just 7 years old! 

Do you think I may find peace? My problem is with contamination OCD and the Covid situation has made me so ill that I am not off work on the sick! I'm just not sure how I can beat my OCD with covid ever present. My obsessions and compulsions seem more justified than ever! It's  destroying my life - finances, time, relationships with family etc, etc. My doctor has prescribed me SSRI's but I am reluctant to take them.

Any advice would be great. Thanks.

[Madchoc]

Hi PB, that’s a brilliant post, a fantastic explanation of how OCD works. It is horrible and takes determination to fight it. It’s not an easy journey at all. But it’s the only way. Xx 

[PolarBear]

19 hours ago, Tealight said:

Oh wow. That sounds so amazing!

I'm just at the start of my recovery...have had 4 high intensity CBT sessions and have spent hour upon hour reading a wide range of books and information on the internet. I am in my late 40's and have worked out my OCD began when I was just 7 years old! 

Do you think I may find peace? My problem is with contamination OCD and the Covid situation has made me so ill that I am not off work on the sick! I'm just not sure how I can beat my OCD with covid ever present. My obsessions and compulsions seem more justified than ever! It's  destroying my life - finances, time, relationships with family etc, etc. My doctor has prescribed me SSRI's but I am reluctant to take them.

Any advice would be great. Thanks.

I truly believe every sufferer can get to a better place. 

[Hal]

20 hours ago, PolarBear said:

You have to stop. Obvious, right? Few sufferers here don't know that they have to stop their compulsions, but many fail to fully comprehend why.

OCD is like an engine. The fuel it runs on is compulsions. If the goal is to make the engine stop, you have to stop feeding it. If you don't, it keeps running. And if you feed it more fuel, it revs up and goes faster.

In your case, each example of a mistake or bad thing from your past that your mind comes up with is accompanied with a bad feeling, like anxiety and guilt. You mistakenly believe that means you should pay attention. When you pay attention (by doing compulsions), you add fuel to the OCD engine. It urges on your disorder to create more, similar thoughts and that accompanying bad feeling becomes more intense. That causes you to react badly and pay more attention and the engine revs up again. 

It sounds like a vicious circle but it's more like a vicious spiral that comes with ever increasing obsessions, bad feelings and compulsions.

The only way out of the spiral is to make the engine stop. You do that by stopping feeding the engine with compulsions. 

When you stop feeding your OCD, at first it revs up on its own. It complains, loudly, that you aren't feeding it. But over time, the engine slows down. That means fewer obsessions and less intense bad feelings.

Over time, the obsessions seem less threatening, like less of a big deal. That means you pay less attention, which means less compulsions, which means less obsessions.

The spiral actually goes in reverse. Do you know what's at the end of that reverse spiral?

Peace.

Very 

[Roopoo47]

That is a good explanation right there . Like us all in here. Doesn’t matter what our worrying is. Like i have experienced all these years with CERTAIN worries that produce the biggest anxiety and depression then you need that release, then the uphoria from the release. Is that were the cycle comes in, i bet everyone on here can remember exactly when there OCD started like me.