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Struggling with urges and sexuality questions


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Hi y'all

How are we all doing? My workplace closed on Wednesday (FOR THE THIRD TIME!) due to London moving into tier 3 so I'm at leisure again. Quite pleased to have some time to myself and finish my dad's cross-stitch for Christmas. 

I'm doing okay generally but I'm still having trouble with things and I'm worried that this one is going to cause offence; if it does, I'm truly sorry. My problem right now is that I'm constantly hit by urges to go online and look up things that I know will upset and trigger me, even though I know that they're nothing to do with me. My obsession is with sexuality - I keep looking up stories of people who have decided to repress/deny their true sexuality for the sake of religion; I don't agree with it, and yet I keep feeling drawn to the stories of those who do it. I don't know why - maybe to test my reaction and seek assurance that I'm doing enough on my own path, and that I haven't missed anything. I do it on Google, twitter, tumblr...it's not good. It's nothing to do with me and it's not good. I'm just constantly seeking assurance about theology, and where there's ;people of faith who repress and deny there's people of faith who celebrate this and wondering if God wants me to do things I don't want to do, and wondering if I have to do them. But I get so upset and switch off after a few moments; I don't know if God wants me to take a hard path with myself and deny myself; to listen to these people's testimonies and to be more like them, which I don't want. I'm so confused. 

I'm sorry to be so weird. I feel awful about this and I hate myself. I've looked this up so many times and I'm tired. I know how selfish and terrible I sound and I'm tired. It takes a lot of distraction to take myself away from it. I'm much better than I was but these urges still linger. I'm having counselling and my citalopram is helping but I hate myself for these specific obsessions and don't know how to share them. I must be a bad person to feel this way. 

C x

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Hi Cub,

I think we both share similarities in our obsessions in that we both have drawn lines in our moral compass that OCD has blurred and/or made us doubt our conscience.

From my own experience's I would say you have to be realistic and honest with yourself in regards to what you believe to be right and wrong and  accept that is your belief and then resist the doubts that OCD creates (you can move the line a thousand times and it will keep telling you you're wrong and as you know, it will leave you feeling tired and miserable).

Symps

Edited by Symps07
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Hey @Cub,

I'm sorry to hear that you're still struggling so much. I know I ask this every time, but have you made any progress in terms of getting professional help?

Also, I think it's really good that you recognise your compulsions, but are you doing anything to try and reduce them?

Stay strong Cub, we are all here for you! xx

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  • 1 month later...

Hi guys

Happy New Year. Sorry not to have been around for a long time and thankyou for your responses.

I'm really not okay at the moment - I'm feeling very depressed and sad and don't want to do anything. I'm almost afraid to go back to counselling because I'm scared of being judged for leaving it so long and I'm also scared it might not be the right help. But I feel as though I've had all the help under the sun I could possibly get; so many psychologists, therapists and counsellors and I'm on antidepressants for the third time. This feels like all my fault and like I don't deserve to be happy. I haven't been happy for the last eleven years; surely it's got to be something I'm doing wrong? It feels so much harder than it was when I was a kid. 

I feel ashamed for the compulsions I currently have; a friend told me last summer how she'd prayed to God to change her and it's had a negative influence. I'm doing the same thing now and it hurts so much because I feel like every time I do it, I'm cutting myself to the bone and follow it up with a prayer of 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean that,' and feeling guilty that I said something and apologised for something I don't mean. I feel like such a letdown and like I can't be left alone anymore. I'm very depressed and when my dad and stepmum have tried to comfort me, I've asked to be left alone. My stepbrother isn't helping either; he and his wife have taken over two other rooms in the house so I feel I have nowhere to escape to and I'm just in my room, and last week he was rude to my dad and I following a misunderstanding over a situation regarding his mother and never apologised. 

I just feel I'm a bad daughter, bad sister, and a bad friend and I honestly feel as though I want to end it. I cannot describe just how much I hate myself. This is never ever going to get better and if it's not going to get better then I might as well end it now. 

Thankyou for the support, the responses and for reading. 

C x

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Hi Cub,

Sorry to hear that you're having a bad time at the moment. I'm going through a tough time too and have, I have to admit, considered ending my life.

My OCD theme differs from yours, but I appreciate how painful this horrible condition can be. Take comfort from this forum - there are many people on here that have been in a terrible state of mind but who have got better.

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