(My OCD makes me feel like) I am a very bad person

[Cora]

Hi, 

First, I hope everyone managed to have some joy and happiness this Christmas, especially those who are struggling a lot at the moment. 

Second, this post is going to be weird so I apologise.

Today I realised something very important. I realised that I actually am a bad person. When I look around I see normal and kind people; when I look at myself I see something disguting and weird (but not in a good way). This sounds silly but I received lots of presents today (I've never received so many before) and I felt so guilty. I don't deserve good things or people in my life. 

Besides the fears of being attracted to children and being an abuser, I realised that I have so many other small obsessions. And they are absolutely disgusting. Take today for example. While having a nap with my boyfriend I had the feeling that I raped him by touching him in a weird way (by accident) and not doing anything about it for 30 seconds or so. While playing with my boyfriend's sister's cats I felt some sort of sick joy; I don't know if that was because I thought they were cute or because of something else. And these are only two examples, but there are so, so, so many other things that make me feel like a deviant and monster. My brain and body are so repugnant because they are the house of some of the most abnormal thoughts and feelings about the most normal things in the world, which automatically makes me a monster. And things would probably be easier if I were sure I didn't like all these feelings and thoughts, but here is the thing: I'm not sure. On the contrary, I think I do like and enjoy them, and I'm just too scared to accept it hence pretend to be scared, anxious and worried about it.

I think there is something seriously wrong with me. I'm a terrible person and I can feel it - I know this sounds weird but I can actually feel it. And because of that I don't want to be alive anymore, I really don't. For some reason I know I won't be able to survive like this for more than 10 (or even 5) years. I will never be happy with myslef; I'm way too rotten and evil inside for that to happen. 

Again, I apologise. I know this is not the post you would like to see during this festive period. 

[PolarBear]

I hope you had a good Christmas. Keep going to therapy.

[MarieJo]

Cora this is all part of the same. All OCD bull ****. Keep going to your therapist and things will improve 

[Cora]

1 hour ago, MarieJo said:

Cora this is all part of the same. All OCD bull ****. Keep going to your therapist and things will improve 

I'm not sure this is OCD. I can actually feel that I am a bad and weird person. Yes, OCD has probably contributed a bit and it's making this feel more important than it actually is but there is rottenes and evilness inside me that has nothing with OCD. For example, last night my boyfriend was telling me about how his sister has had a rough period for the past couple of months: her boyfriend cheated on her and her job has been very stressful, and I felt like I wanted to laugh at it, I felt like I didn't care (enough) and was even happy that such bad things happened her, even though I don't want to feel that way. Again, this is just one example; if I were to tell you about all the other things, you'd definitely agree with me on the fact that I am a bad and disgusting person. 

[MarieJo]

Do you want to take a leap of faith and believe it's OCD, or at least could be? Or do you choose to believe it's not and you're evil and rotten to the core? You could believe the latter. It will not be a nice existence if you do. We all believe it's the former but you know what we think. The ball is in your court. Hard work with your therapy and hope that you will recover or forever misery. There is no third option 

[snowbear]

31 minutes ago, Cora said:

you'd definitely agree with me on the fact that I am a bad and disgusting person. 

Cora, you've been locked into your OCD for a long time because of this fear of being bad/evil/disgusting. Is it time to take a new and radical approach?

What if you were to say 'Yes, I'm a bad, evil, disgusting person BUT THAT'S OK'.

In trying to simply avoid being even a tiny bit a bad person you've ended up going to the extreme of demanding perfection from yourself, with every miniscule perceived flaw in your overall goodness getting blown way out of proportion.

Give up avoiding badness. (I know, I can see you shaking your head in utter disbelief! I told you it was radical, but believe me, IT WORKS.)

Aim to accept yourself as neither good nor bad. Try to be happy being just you - an ordinary person with good intentions who might slip up now and then but can always forgive herself for those moments, regroup and carry on living with those good intentions at the heart of everything she does and reflecting who she truly is.

 

[malina]

I think that like a lot of people with OCD, you have this black and white thinking. I thought something bad, therefore I am a monster. There is no middle ground.  You belong in the gray area of humanity, just like the rest of us. The other day I got so bored and annoyed when my friend texted me to tell me that her uncle is dying. I was just annoyed because I don't want to deal with her issues on Christmas. Is that selfish? Yes, but I still don't care about her uncle if I'm being honest. I would never admit this to anyone in real life, but I faked sympathy, gave some advice and got on with enjoying my day. You don't have to care about your boyfriend's sister's problem. Just be nice and sympathetic and get on with your life. And does that make you a rotten monster? Hardly. We all do it. You have permission not to be perfect and to still live a happy life.

[Cora]

Thank you everyone. 

But I really don't know what to say. I know I want to change this and have a different life because I've had enough, but I feel like it's too late for me, or even impossible. This feeling of evilness and rottenes feels normal and familiar to me. All these abnormal feelings don't seem intrusive at all; on the contrary, I feel like that is who I actually am. I don't know. Everything seems so messed up. I wish things were much easier than this.  

[BigDave]

You really should read the book "Break Free from OCD" and read about rumination OCD. You are constantly ruminating over the fact that you are an evil person but it's not the case. You really need to change your way of thinking.

[Cora]

I think the reason why I feel so bad and evil is because all these thoughts and feelings feel like impulses, like something I would like to do. For me that is too much. I get it if the thoughts are just thoughts and feelings are just feelings, but now they are impulses, which I don't think is normal for someone who is not an evil person. I can't get over the fact that wanting to act on all these thoughts and feelings is now a normal thing that happens with anything and anyone every day. I don't know what else to say...

[Caramoole]

Do you believe there's a condition known as OCD Cora?  Perhaps you're surrounded here  by people who are all weirdo's, all mad, bad, deranged & warped people.  Every bit as evil as you because they have had similar/same/different/worse fears?  People who are encouraging you to behave & think in this dreadful way and that it's fine!  Think about it, because there either is a disorder or there isn't.........and if the knowledge about it us true, it applies to you too.

If you've done some reading up on this you will know the extent and horrible vileness  that these thoughts & feelings cause.  You will know that absolute doubt & disbelief are some of the commonest & widely held symptoms.  You'll also have read that carrying out compulsions (confessing, seeking reassurance, self-loathing etc) are the thi gs that maintain and sustain the disorder.  Even in the face of overwhelming doubt, you have the  major role in starting the process of changing how you react.  Are you ready to start that process, even though it might be in small ways to begin with?  Have you taken any time  out to write a list of the compulsions you do?

Fellow sufferers are a massive source of support and advice.....they're also hard task masters  because they've been there, read the book, got the tea shirt, made the  mistakes and finally had to bite the bullet and change the way they react and respond to these horrible doubts and fears.  

You have everyone's sympathy because it is an awful place to be, it really is but it's time to start making some changes.  Hopefully, your therapist will help guide you with this but the key player in this is you

[malina]

11 hours ago, Cora said:

I know I want to change this and have a different life because I've had enough, but I feel like it's too late for me, or even impossible.

So all those people who were suffering for 20, 30, 40 years during times when little was known about OCD and had no support, but managed to get help later in life, did the work and got better, it wasn't too late or impossible for them. Yet for you, who got a diagnosis fairly early on, who has access to professional help and technology that puts you in contact with people who can give you support essentially 24/7, it's impossible for you?

And second, you need to ask yourself why you think everyone is lying to you? Or are we all just plain wrong? Is every single mental health professional you have seen up to this point less knowledgable than you? You seem to be fairly keen to self diagnose, yet you're ready to throw out the actual diagnosis that was made by people who have an extensive education and experience with this.

I'm sorry Cora, I really don't want to be harsh but I think everything you're saying now is a series of excuses. I'm just a bad person, it's too late, I'm too evil to be helped. Sorry, but you have barely even tried. You need to take a hard look at your life here and make a decision - continue making excuses or start putting in the work.

I'm sorry, I really am, I don't want to sound horrible and I don't mean it in that way, but I feel like most of this information isn't getting through to you and it needs to be said.

 

[MarieJo]

Malina and Caramoole are right Cora. Can you imagine how it was to suffer from this in the 70s and 80s? Even the 90s. I just thought I was a lunatic, an evil deviant. Something told me deep down inside though I was not this person and I was soooooo relieved when I found out it was ocd..OCD and anxiety shaped my life, knocked my confidence and my self belief. You have an advantage that you live in a time where this is a very well recognised mental health disorder. It still is not easy, I know that, it's the vilest disorder going, but listen to us, stop ruminating, start a list of your compulsions and try to reduce them. Give yourself the benefit of your excessive doubt. You feel unique in your struggles but we can assure you that you are not.

Edited December 27, 2020 by MarieJo

[Cora]

51 minutes ago, malina said:

So all those people who were suffering for 20, 30, 40 years during times when little was known about OCD and had no support, but managed to get help later in life, did the work and got better, it wasn't too late or impossible for them.

When I said that it's too late for me, I meant that I crossed a line and now I'm just too evil to be fixed and made to many mistakes to be allowed to move on.  

 

9 minutes ago, MarieJo said:

Something told me deep down inside though I was not this person

Well, I don't have this. Unfortunately, I'm different; I know I'm evil deep down inside and I know that. 

[malina]

9 minutes ago, Cora said:

Well, I don't have this. Unfortunately, I'm different; I know I'm evil deep down inside and I know that. 

I saw @MarieJo's comment and I literally knew you were going to say this! Cora, like everyone is saying, you have a big role to play in your own recovery. You can choose to spend your time coming to this forum and pointlessly repeating your claims of your evilness and monstrosity. Or you can try to get a grip on reality and start doing the work you need to do to recover. It's your life and your decision how to behave, I hope you make the right one.

[MarieJo]

Maybe i worded that wrong. I wasn't sure who I was and I had massive doubts..or else if I was sure it was not me I would not have suffered and suffer still at times, maybe I had a bit of hope that it was not really me, maybe you dont feel that hope and belief atm but hope can return. Also Cora. I read on a forum the other day a very similar scenario to yours. The girl was a similar age and had obsessed over pocd with her little sister and her kittens. Very similar feelings that they were desired and that she wanted to act on them. She felt suicidal. She was diagnosed with ocd. Anyway Cora there is nothing more personally I can add now.  It's up to you.

Edited December 27, 2020 by MarieJo

[Caramoole]

34 minutes ago, malina said:

I saw @MarieJo's comment and I literally knew you were going to say this! Cora, like everyone is saying, you have a big role to play in your own recovery. You can choose to spend your time coming to this forum and pointlessly repeating your claims of your evilness and monstrosity. Or you can try to get a grip on reality and start doing the work you need to do to recover. It's your life and your decision how to behave, I hope you make the right one.

This is all vvery true Cora.  So what's it to be?  Are you going to attempt to learn properly about OCD and start to put some changes into practise?

Try and simply answer those questions.......don't just add a list of how evil you are, how you're neyond help.  It simply isn't true and no-one here agrees with you.  Have a think about what you can start to change.  If you do, how you feel will start to change.....until you do, the Hell will continue.  If you tell yourself you're bad, evil, hopeless.....that's exactly how you'll feel

[PolarBear]

15 hours ago, Cora said:

I think the reason why I feel so bad and evil is because all these thoughts and feelings feel like impulses, like something I would like to do. For me that is too much. I get it if the thoughts are just thoughts and feelings are just feelings, but now they are impulses, which I don't think is normal for someone who is not an evil person. I can't get over the fact that wanting to act on all these thoughts and feelings is now a normal thing that happens with anything and anyone every day. I don't know what else to say...

I've been over this before with you. An obsession is an intrusive thought, image, impulse, urge, feeling or sensation that causes distress.

See the word impulse? It's right there. Been there all along.

You really need to stop this little game of yours where you keep complaining that your problem is not OCD. Enough. We all know your sole problem is OCD. It always has been. We've been patient as all get out but you stick to your own misguided story.

We don't tell you its OCD because we're just being nice. And we aren't stupid. This group here is comprised of OCD sufferers who have suffered themselves for decades. We have studied the disorder. We know all its tricks. We have helped thousands. We know what we are talking about.

I know it's your OCD giving you intrusive thoughts that your problem is not OCD, but you have the ability to fight it.

Accept that we are telling the truth. It's your first big step. You have to accept that this could all be OCD and start treating this as such.

If you don't, you will continue to wallow in misery for years or decades. 

[hazydaze]

7 hours ago, Cora said:

Well, I don't have this. Unfortunately, I'm different; I know I'm evil deep down inside and I know that. 

Calling your bluff. You wouldn't be on this forum if you actually believed that. Enough.

The advice on here in the last day or so has perfectly summed up all the stellar advice you've been receiving for months. This will be it for me until if and when you actually take us seriously. I totally agree with @malina that you've barely tried. The only awful thing you've done these past few months, that I can tell, is refusing to help yourself. Awful not to us, so I don't wanna hear apologies, but awful to yourself. You have been letting the disorder win. No one said it was easy, but it is sooooo doable. In fact, to reference some posts above mine, there are lots of people who have successfully taken their lives back from OCD - people who had way less information and support than you do! Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start getting better! Sorry for the harshness, but this is completely fruitless unless you actually do the hard work.

Best wishes. I hope you get your life back.

[Cora]

I promise, my intention has never been to disrespect you, and I have been taking you all seriously all this time (if I hadn't, I would have been much, much worse than this). I know you don't want my apologies, but I am sorry, and I completely understand your frustration. 

I want to get better and I want to do the hard work. But right now I can't, and I'm sorry for that. I feel too evil and disgusting and I guess it's my choice to stay in this place. Anything I've done or thought until this point was covered in dirt and I don't think I deserve to move on. (Take the following as a good example: for the past 2 days I've had thoughts (or desires, whatever) that I wanted to rape my boyfriend while he was asleep. I can't move on from that.) 

I'm sorry for wasting your time. I really am.

Edited December 27, 2020 by Cora

[malina]

32 minutes ago, Cora said:

I want to get better and I want to do the hard work. But right now I can't, and I'm sorry for that.

I've been told that recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. You get ready for the long haul and take your time. So in a sense, you don't have to rush yourself and nobody expects you to show full recovery after a single therapy session. On the other hand, you have to start at some point and if you wait until it feels right or you feel ready, you will never start. That is how this disorder works, the doubt and feelings of being dirty, evil and disgusting won't go away on their own to allow you to start making the necessary changes. You have seen for yourself that you were already in therapy for a few months at one point and things didn't change and, since then, things have gotten worse and worse. I hope that with this new, better therapist, you will start to see changes. But whatever happens, don't wait too long before you decide to start working on your recovery. Best of luck to you Cora, I really hope that you get on to the right path soon, I really believe that you can do it.

[Caramoole]

1 hour ago, Cora said:

I want to get better and I want to do the hard work. But right now I can't, and I'm sorry for that. I feel too evil and disgusting and I guess it's my choice to stay in this place. 

That's as maybe Cora, perhaps it is your choice but it isn't the role of others to help you to stay in that place by assisting and supporting you with compulsions.....in the same way that it's not helpful to a sufferer for their friends and family to take their clothes of f and shower where someone has contamination fears or to offer constant reassurance.  An Alcoholic wouldn't be able to attend an AA meeting and drink a bottle of whisky because the urge to do so was strong or they felt it calmed them down.

No matter how strong or real the thoughts feel, the belief (of what we fear) is not real but the product of a distressing anxiety disorder.  That disorder is treatable with the right help, it is worsened and maintained by providing the wrong sort of support, which is what is happening at the moment.  There has been a lot of support and reassurance offered for a long time now, often too much.  In the early days where someone is utterly bewildered and all of this is new to them, it's sometimes necessary to offer that comfort but only for a while whilst trying to help someone with methods that can help them start to take back control.  The support can then switch to helping a sufferer with tips, with ways that have helped them and to help that recovery.

I have seen hundreds of "Coras" during my years on the forums.  Others who have struggled in the same way and have used the forum as you're doing now as a means of desperately finding a way to bring their anxiety down by seeking constant reassurance or using threads to say how evil & wicked they are, how they are undeserving etc etc.  I've never seen any of them make any improvement by doing that.  Usually the situation just gets worse and worse because of the damaging effects.  Fortunately, I've also seen those very same people improve beyond belief when they have started to take some of the advice on board and start the scary journey of making some of those changes.  As many have said, there are lots of people here who can recognise themselves as having done the same things in the past.

I know you've had some tough responses today and it's never the thing we want to hear but sometimes those are the very things we do need to hear and where progress can be made.

Be assured, everyone has your best interest at heart and it is because of that that things need to start to change in order that you get better

[Cora]

Thank you very much everyone. I appreciate that you're still here for me. 

I know this is not enough (definitely not enough!) but today, for the most of the day, I've tried to ignore my terrible feelings of guilt, shame and evilness as well as the disgusting thoughts. However, any time I would do it, I would have a feeling of unease - like I'd prefer to not ignore them which in return made the feelings and thoughts even stronger. (I hope this makes sense.) I've also tried to have a self talk, which was mainly about how I am allowed to move on and can choose to slowly climb out of this hole, but my internal response - similar to a reflex - was that I'm not and can't, respectively. I don't think I can accurately explain the respective feeling, but it did feel like moving on would be a mistake. 

There's something else. I'm very ashamed to talk about this but I feel like I have no other choice. The sexual thoughts and feelings about animals are getting worse and worse day by day. For example, today they reached a new limit, which of course makes me feel even dirtier and more evil. I definitely don't feel like a human anymore, but instead like a weird creature that doesn't belong in this world. 

I think that one of the main reasons for my current state is that I can't tell whether I agree with my thoughts and feelings or not. For most of the time it feels like I do agree with them and even enjoy them, making me doubt that this is OCD so much. I just wish I were able to know that I don't identify with all these thoughts and feelings and try to move on. But sadly that seems impossible. 

[Caramoole]

If these thoughts didn't feel real or frightening you wouldn't have a problem.....but because you have OCD they do feel real.

Well done for trying to ignore the thoughts and trying not to engage with them.  Don't be surprised that when you first do this the thoughts will keep on coming, the urge to start going over them will be strong.  Stick with it though

[Cora]

Thank you, Caramoole.