malina Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 55 minutes ago, Cora said: Thank you for letting me know, malina. I hope everything is okay. Yes, all good Cora, thank you!!! 9 minutes ago, Cora said: I'm so sorry, @hazydaze, but this made me feel so upset... Don't be upset, nothing is black and white and nothing is ever as tragic as we think. Children are quite sensitive to what is going on and pick up on more than we expect. He probably does realise that you have changed and that probably does cause him hurt. And this is something that you have to work on. But you also need to be gentle with yourself and accept that you are going through a lot. There is only so much you can deal with at once. You need to work on getting yourself better and that will improve everything. And keep in mind that kids are resilient and forgiving, much more than we give them credit for. The message here is that, yes maybe you have caused him some hurt, but it is well within your power to improve things and restore your relationship. I can relate to @hazydaze, I think that I have treated my mum like toxic waste quite a lot. She is the one who knows when something is wrong because I become cold and distant and I know it hurts her a lot. I don't mean to hurt her and I'm trying to fix it (now in my 30s). So don't dwell on the past, there is so little in life that you can't fix, honestly. But it's all the more reason to put in the work. Link to comment
Cora Posted January 4, 2021 Author Share Posted January 4, 2021 I understand. Thank you, malina. Also, thank you both for sharing your own experience and I'm sorry that you had to (and still have to) deal with this. Link to comment
MarieJo Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 It's true. Kids are massively resilient. He will not be traumatised but if you continue to be cold around him he will notice and feel confused as to why. I understand your reasons though for wanting to avoid him but it will ultimately just feed the ocd and your doubts. Link to comment
Cora Posted January 4, 2021 Author Share Posted January 4, 2021 But you don't think it's too late? Because I've been distant and cold to him for a while now. Ah, I feel terrible. I also just found out that my best friend is struggling with depression and I didn't care enough to even text her to make sure she was alright (she lives in a different town). I truly feel terrible. I feel like I'm failing at everything. Link to comment
hazydaze Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 1 hour ago, Cora said: I'm so sorry, @hazydaze, but this made me feel so upset... I'm sorry, @Cora! I didn't mean to make you feel upset. I just wanted to make you realize that eventually, distancing yourself from loved ones is going to have an adverse effect Link to comment
hazydaze Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 21 minutes ago, Cora said: But you don't think it's too late? Because I've been distant and cold to him for a while now. Ah, I feel terrible. I also just found out that my best friend is struggling with depression and I didn't care enough to even text her to make sure she was alright (she lives in a different town). I truly feel terrible. I feel like I'm failing at everything. It is not too late!!! And don't beat yourself up. You're struggling, immensely I might add. Has she been checking on you?? People aren't perfect. You need to look after yourself before you can look after someone else. Link to comment
Cora Posted January 4, 2021 Author Share Posted January 4, 2021 1 minute ago, hazydaze said: I'm sorry, @Cora! I didn't mean to make you feel upset. I just wanted to make you realize that eventually, distancing yourself from loved ones is going to have an adverse effect No, hazydaze, I am sorry. You are helping me and I'm just being a baby. I guess the truth is hard to accept but I have to do it. Thank you. And please don't feel sorry, you have nothing to feel sorry for. Link to comment
hazydaze Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 Just now, Cora said: No, hazydaze, I am sorry. You are helping me and I'm just being a baby. I guess the truth is hard to accept but I have to do it. Thank you. And please don't feel sorry, you have nothing to feel sorry for. Oh. @Cora. You are a sweetheart. I wish you would be this kind to yourself. What is "the truth?"| Link to comment
MarieJo Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 It's definitely not too late to change how you act around him and it's not too late to make the changes in your life to assist your recovery from this debilitating illness. You have been struggling massively so do not feel guilty about not calling your friend. Link to comment
Cora Posted January 4, 2021 Author Share Posted January 4, 2021 You are very kind, hazydaze. The truth is that I hurt my brother by being cold and distant. I didn't want to accept that but I guess that's easier and than being in denial and do nothing about it. Link to comment
MarieJo Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 (edited) I read some very inspirational words about ocd and those who suffer today. I will post them later. It summed it up so beautifully Edited January 4, 2021 by MarieJo Link to comment
hazydaze Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 @Cora No one is a perfect person. For example, I was an a$$hole to you before when I was frustrated. You don't need to be sorry. I'm not saying that as an a$$hole, but as one who has also suffered to no choice of our own. You are dealing with, I would argue, the most debilitating disease that exists. Don't be sorry. You are suffering. That being said, I'm on board to helping you get better which entails no reassurance. You can do this. You can do this! Link to comment
hazydaze Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 1 minute ago, MarieJo said: I read some very inspirational words about ocd and those who suffer today. I will postal them later. It summed it up so beautifully Looking forward to it! Link to comment
Cora Posted January 4, 2021 Author Share Posted January 4, 2021 18 minutes ago, hazydaze said: @Cora No one is a perfect person. For example, I was an a$$hole to you before when I was frustrated. You don't need to be sorry. I'm not saying that as an a$$hole, but as one who has also suffered to no choice of our own. You are dealing with, I would argue, the most debilitating disease that exists. Don't be sorry. You are suffering. That being said, I'm on board to helping you get better which entails no reassurance. You can do this. You can do this! Thank you, @hazydaze. I never thought you were an as**hole to me, you were only trying to help me. But I did understand your frustration. 21 minutes ago, MarieJo said: It's definitely not too late to change how you act around him and it's not too late to make the changes in your life to assist your recovery from this debilitating illness. You have been struggling massively so do not feel guilty about not calling your friend. Thank you, @MarieJo. Link to comment
Caramoole Posted January 5, 2021 Share Posted January 5, 2021 Hi Cora There's been lots of input and support and understanding since your question to me about your little Brother, all put very well and lots to reflect on. Don't blame yourself or beat yourself up too much, you are suffering from a dreadful anxiety disorder, you're not just being mean, so forgive yourself........ ......then comes the Caramoole BUT I want to take you right back to where we were this afternoon, looking at the changes that you need to think about and ultimately make. This has taken too much of your young life and it can change Cora. I want this forum to give you the support, courage and encouragement to make those changes Let's make this the year for change. Be excited by that and the fact that you can learn to deal with this differently. I'm not going to pretend that it's easy but neither is the way you're existing. You'll fall, you'll fail, you'll get scared (especially at first) but you can do this. Link to comment
Caramoole Posted January 5, 2021 Share Posted January 5, 2021 REMINDER Quote So...... you need to start work at beginning to react differently when one of these fears strike. At the moment you react immediately with multiple compulsions. You do this to try and reduce the fear. First lesson that you have to learn to accept You CANNOT wait until you feel sure before reducing compulsions You WILL NOT feel sure You will STILL BE convinced you are a bad person and a risk DESPITE THIS when these doubts or thoughts strike you, you STOP. You look at what instinct is compelling you to do (asking boyfriend or the forums for reassurance; wanting to write a confession on the forum; calling yourself bad names, look up other examples on the internet, start trying to go over it and solve it in your mind) You STOP and think, I've been warned this will happen. It might feel it's true but have been told to expect this. Start today Cora.......regardless of what you're feeling. Doing your compulsions doesn't make you feel any better......it's making you more Ill. It's kept you Ill and afraid for years. Don't wait to feel better before you change things, start right now Link to comment
Caramoole Posted January 5, 2021 Share Posted January 5, 2021 I've slightly changed the title of your thread to look at the reality of this distorted view Link to comment
Cora Posted January 5, 2021 Author Share Posted January 5, 2021 Thank you so much for everything, @Caramoole. It means a lot to me! Also, thank you for changing the title, it made me smile. Link to comment
Cora Posted January 5, 2021 Author Share Posted January 5, 2021 (edited) The following is very disturbing. But before I post it I want to apologise to everyone, especially to Caramoole. As we've talked before, you know that I've been distant and cold to my brother because he is my main trigger. Okay. So today I decided to sit down in an attempt to figure out how to stop avoiding my brother. As soon as I started thinking of it, I realised that the reason why I don't want to spend time with my brother is because I don't want to act on my urges. And then I started fantasising. I started picturing me acting on my urges. Everything was graphic. I actually fantasised about having sex with my brother. I want you to understand that it wasn't intrusive. It was a choice to fantasise. It even felt enjoyable. Then I received a message on my phone, checked my phone but wasn't interested in that because I felt that I would rather continue to fantasise. I am in shock. For 2 minutes or so I had a moment of revelation: I realised I was a paedophile. So I guess now everything is over for me. I apologise to everyone. Edited January 5, 2021 by Cora Link to comment
Cora Posted January 5, 2021 Author Share Posted January 5, 2021 Also, I've just realised that I do want to act on my urges. It doesn't only feel like I do but I actually want to. Link to comment
MarieJo Posted January 5, 2021 Share Posted January 5, 2021 (edited) So what stops you then? Edited January 5, 2021 by MarieJo Link to comment
Cora Posted January 5, 2021 Author Share Posted January 5, 2021 24 minutes ago, MarieJo said: So what stops you then? Nothing. I guess I could do it any moment. I actually want to. Link to comment
MarieJo Posted January 5, 2021 Share Posted January 5, 2021 So if you want to and can do it any second why do you choose not to? Link to comment
Cora Posted January 5, 2021 Author Share Posted January 5, 2021 7 minutes ago, MarieJo said: So if you want to and can do it any second why do you choose not to? Just because of self control. Nothing else. Link to comment
malina Posted January 5, 2021 Share Posted January 5, 2021 Cora, did you have an appointment with your therapist today? Link to comment
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