Fear of jail

[Richard Rahl]

helo

haven`t been here for a while 

A am a political scientist and I dwell in Moscow since I was born. 

I used to be afraid of rabies, HIV and cancer, but now the thing that fears me most is Russian state. 

I recently visited Youtube channel wich is opposite towards Kremlin. I said nothig against Kremlin, but I can`t stop microanalyzing my words. I see how they can be interpreted in other way is someone wants to. 

I spent alot of money seeking reassurance from lawyers (they say - no risk). I asked to delete the video with me and the Youtube channel agreed. 

However I can`t find peace even now. 

Medication  (neuroleptics) is not working on me at all - I tried lots of different neureleptics. 

Usually I wrote only scientfic papers - youtube format was new for me and I was ready for it. 

My psychiatrist says that I need to stay for some time in hospital, so that they could administer mor drug-intensive therapy. Unfortunately I can`t afford it

 

I am scared for the whole week and I need support and ideas how can I cope. 

I am not ready to discuss political situation in Russia. However "police arresting you for expression of opinion" is not something what is unheard of. 

[Richard Rahl]

I need some replies.

I don`t get why medication is not working properly, why I can`t get rid of this "swarm of fear thoughts"  

The thing is that my psychiatrist believes that OCD is only part of the story and that in general I have a shizotipical disorder. And OCD is just one angle. This means that I generally tend to have bizzare thoughts 

[snowbear]

Privet Richard. (My attempt at 'hello' in Russian!)

In OCD the thing we fear always seems very real and very likely to happen unless we do the compulsions to stop it. (For example deleting your youtube post was a compulsion.) In reality the fear is blown up out of proportion and whatever it is that scares you is very unlikely to happen.

You say you are taking drugs and have been offered more drug treatment in hospital, but drugs alone will not cure OCD. Do you have access to CBT, cognitive behavioural therapy? CBT can teach you to see your obsessions in a new light and overcome your compulsions. 

Can you access books on OCD and CBT in Russia? There are plenty of good self-help books in English. Could you buy one for delivery to Russia, or download an e-book online? One of the best is https://www.ocduk.org/shop/break-free-from-ocd/

Bizarre thoughts are common in OCD. You may or may not have a schizotypical disorder as well, but overcoming obsessions is mainly about stopping the compulsions which keep it going. First step is to identify your compulsions and label them as compulsions. Then you know what you're trying to stop.

Apart from getting help from lawyers and deleting posts, what else do you do to relieve the anxiety? It may be physical or mental rituals such as thinking neutralizing thoughts, counting, checking the house is locked and safe (to stop the police breaking in easily) or it could be something specific to you that helps you feel safe.

Once you've identified your compulsions you need to practise NOT doing them when the scary thoughts come to you. This will make you very anxious at first, but the more you can resist doing compulsions the faster the anxiety will go.

Ideally this should be done with help from a therapist (or understanding what you're doing by reading about it yourself).

Good luck, and ask if you have specific questions.

[Richard Rahl]

My therapist believes that CBT is not for me. She says that my problems and emotional  traumas run much deeper, that CBT can help. Generally psychiatriast diagnose me with shizotypical disorder and emphasize that "medication first, talks later". By talks I mean the process of psychitherapy. 

I realize that in UK and US CBT is a dominant school. however in Russia it is not. 

 

But 4 steps idea make a lot of sense to me. The only problem is that in Russia you really can be jailed for political views.  And though I position myself as "pro-Kremlin expert" (though I try to remain as much scientist as possible), I still fear this scenario much. 

My therapist advised me to avoid "public speaking" (youtube, TV) and for the moment focus on scientific papers. She says that my current emotional condition and public speaking won`t just how to say it.. work out? . She means that I am not ready to public speaking at the moment and that I should abstain from it since the act of public speaking leads to me later re-watching videos, micro-analyzing my words (seeking criminal meaning in them) and paying momey to lawyers. 

Probably she has a point. I wish I never wisited that Youtube channel and never spoke for it. 

And somehow the problems with criminal code fear me much more than rabies, HIV or even cancer.  If you afraid of cancer, you can visit doctor and search for cancer. But you can`t go to secret serrvices and ask them: "guys, are you OK with my words or are you going to prosecute me?" 

 

 

[Richard Rahl]

is there any good resources about self-help with OCD online? 

My New Year is ruined ( 

[snowbear]

On 30/12/2020 at 13:26, Richard Rahl said:

My therapist believes that CBT is not for me. She says that my problems and emotional  traumas run much deeper, that CBT can help.

I realize that in UK and US CBT is a dominant school. however in Russia it is not.

That's a shame, Richard. I have no doubt CBT would help you, it's even used to help schizoid disorders quite commonly now. But if theerapy isn't on offer then all you can do is read the self-help books and try to apply it as best you can yourself.

On 30/12/2020 at 13:26, Richard Rahl said:

The only problem is that in Russia you really can be jailed for political views.  And though I position myself as "pro-Kremlin expert" (though I try to remain as much scientist as possible), I still fear this scenario much. 

Every person with OCD believes  'the problem is...' and says their fear really can happen. I understand sometimes people really do get jailed in Russia for their political views, but ask someone with fears of bacteria and they'll say the likelihood of illness is real, people with responsibility fears will say they 'should' feel responsible and so on.

In truth your fear is equally unjustified as someone who washes their hands 20 times instead of once.

On 30/12/2020 at 13:26, Richard Rahl said:

If you afraid of cancer, you can visit doctor and search for cancer. But you can`t go to secret serrvices and ask them: "guys, are you OK with my words or are you going to prosecute me?" 

If someone has an obsessive fear of cancer the one thing they should NOT do is go to the doctor! They need to accept their fear is out of proportion to reality and stop seeking reassurance.

Same with you, wanting to go and ask the secret services for reassurance only maintains your belief that getting jailed is a likely outcome of this.

You have to accept your fear is out of proportion to reality and that reassurance seeking and other compulsions (asking lawyers, checking youtube, deleting things) is what keeps the fear active.

Your therapist may be right that for now you should avoid public speaking. As you get better at facing your anxiety and not giving in to compulsions you can reintroduce these activities to your life. By then you will understand how compulsions maintain OCD and be equiped to manage the thoughts without anxiety.

Why not talk to your therapist about the 4 steps? Maybe you can teach her about treating OCD!

 

[Richard Rahl]

2 Snowbear 

Your words are kind and warm

 

Though I don`t get how to draw the line between realistic fears and unrealistic. For instance (sorry for details) several years ago I found a lump on my testicle (sorry again) and got immediately scared that it is testicl cancer. I wisited doctor and I think this was right thing to do. 

 

How can I see the difference between "realistic fears" and "OCD fears"?

[Richard Rahl]

I visited Youtube channel that often criticises Kremlin. I said some "poltical science stuff".  I can`t totally discard probabilty of secret services knocking my door tomorrow.

 

[snowbear]

4 hours ago, Richard Rahl said:

I don`t get how to draw the line between realistic fears and unrealistic. For instance several years ago I found a lump on my testicle and got immediately scared that it is testicl cancer. I wisited doctor and I think this was right thing to do.

How can I see the difference between "realistic fears" and "OCD fears"?

Finding a lump on your testicle definitely requires a visit to the doctor to get it checked out. But there are many causes of testicular lumps, so although its natural to fear cancer until the doctor has assessed it it's unrealistic to assume the lump has to be cancer or to continue to worry once it's been checked out.

Realistic fear quickly goes away once reassurance has been received.

You know it's an OCD (unrealistic) fear when checking it out and getting reassurance still leaves you feeling doubtful.

No amount of reassurance will ever satisfy an unrealistic fear. Even if you get temporary relief the doubt (and fear) always returns soon after.

The attempt to reassure yourself by hiring lawyers didn't erase your unrealistic fear, deleting youtube content didn't give you relief, and when there is no knock at the door in the morning that won't bring relief either. Your obsessive thoughts will keep the anxiety high no matter how often or how much reassurance you get.

The good news is that once you stop trying to get certainty through reassurance the anxiety does go away. But you have to take a leap of faith and stop looking for any kind of reassurance for a while to get there. At first your anxiety will probably increase because you're not doing any compulsions to relieve it, but remind yourself that although the way you feel is real, the thing making you feel that way is just unrealistic thoughts.

 

[Richard Rahl]

It helps. It really helps. 

My doc says that my OCD is a symptom of more general shizotypical disorder and so meds are more important than anything else

 

do you have any personal experience with the cases when OCD is a symptom?

 

[Richard Rahl]

I feel like I don`t know. I read books, I play games, but fear thought are "floating around". It`s like I must stay constantly vigiliant and supress them. And I feel like I am sort of depressed, though my psychiatrist doesn`t see any signs of depression. 

 

What about anty-anxiety meds? Xanox and sort of. Do they help with OCD? 

[Richard Rahl]

I`ve read on the Internet that Kremlin is going to apply much more pressure on the opposition this year and I got scared much more. 

I can`t abstain from reading this because I am a professor of polittical science( 

[Richard Rahl]

I am just tired of constant fear. To be honest, I am even sometimes thinking of commiting suicide as a means to end this constant anxiety  

I realize that this is irrational. However I am so much afraid of law enforcers, that it became much more than "ordinary obession". It is extremly big. 

I worked on shuting this thoghts for days and just one analitical article returned all this fear and obsession. 

 

[Richard Rahl]

I wrote to my doc that Zeldox isn`t working at all and that I need something more powerful to shut my obsessive thoughts down. 

Also I cry a lot - can this be the sign of depression? I feel so much sorry for myself 

[Richard Rahl]

I realized that some obsessions may be to hard to shake of because you have already done a lot of compulsions that they require or because they are for some reason particulary stressful especially for me. Somehow I started beiing afraid of russian police (or secret services) more than I am afraid of cancer.  I think I would prefer to die than to experience years of prosecution, trial and imprisonment.  

Sometimes this fear becomes so intense that I start self-harming (cutting hand with a knife) or even weight the option of suicide. 

 

4 steps don`t work properly with this particalar obsession. It is around constantly.

[Richard Rahl]

I`ve had another occurence of immense fear 

I was conducting I private lesson via Whatsapp to one girl. We`ve been discussing methods in political science and I mentioned that rational choice paradigm can explain terrorism and portrays terrirists as rational actors. 

I immediatly got scared - what if she informs security services that I call terrorism "rational" 

I asked her whether what I say is confidential - and she confirmed

However my OCD tells me that I should ask her directly whether or not she is going to inform police or secret service

However I realise that with this question I may scare her, she will think that I`m weird and quit lessons. And I will be even more scared

 

Plz plz I need support 

[PolarBear]

Terrorism is rational. Terrorism is rational.

There. I'm not worried about typing it.

You need to see this as OCD. The anxiety riding, how you become fixated on this thing. How your mind keeps going over it, churning. Those are the signs that OCD is in play.

Let it go.

[Richard Rahl]

But in Russia you can get jailed for justification of terrorism

that`s the problem

I don`t think that I justified it - I never said it`s OK to blow up things and spread terror - I just explained it from political science standpoint. However police may think otherwise, if my student informs police