How to stop ruminating on a relationship

[humbleno1]

well I feel utterly hopeless, it wasnt perfect but, I just lost a relationship, pushing someone away, and nit picking, over analysing, quite distressing really, I knew what I was doing at times, and didnt care, funny enough I care now, just obsessing trying to absolve myself guilt, wish I never got involved in the first place to be honest, I didnt need this, the only positive thing out of this its made me really want to grow. I brought her mental health down too, she said I made her depressed.

I have alot of self loathing right now, and im completely blocked. I think it might be best for someone like me to be on his own, any words of support are appreciated.

[humbleno1]

Basically current obsession is proving to myself, that I didnt do the damage at the start, even though I kind of think I might have, I cant seem to accept it, and want ultimate certainty, any tips given its a real issue. This disorder sucks even in a breakup.

[MarieJo]

You can't have ultimate certainty, that's the thing. It's more useful trying to change yourself going forward, deal with your ocd and other issues so that your next relationship stands a better chance. There is absolutely no point in ruminating at what stage your current one went wrong ie start, middle or end. The end result was the same so what does it matter? We cannot change the past but we can change how we deal with things and how we behave going forward.

 

Edited December 30, 2020 by MarieJo

[humbleno1]

1 hour ago, MarieJo said:

You can't have ultimate certainty, that's the thing. It's more useful trying to change yourself going forward, deal with your ocd and other issues so that your next relationship stands a better chance. There is absolutely no point in ruminating at what stage your current one went wrong ie start, middle or end. The end result was the same so what does it matter? We cannot change the past but we can change how we deal with things and how we behave going forward.

 

 

I know that cognitively but my emotions seem to be overwhelming I have bpd pretty sure, I dunno just feel super depressed I already was depressed before, and I made her my life in a way, so now I need to focus on myself, but it just sucks. and ocd so powerful right now, it was bad in the relationship now its shifted to her.

Edited December 30, 2020 by humbleno1

[snowbear]

Hi humbelno 1,

I'm sorry to hear you're beating yourself up over this.

After a relationship ends it can be a good idea to spend a bit of time alone, but not because you don't deserve to be loved or anything. Just to give yourself time for reflection.

Look at it as 'What's done is done.'  Better than drowning in guilt is to take a moment to accept that a lesson has been learned, resolve that next time you'll act differently and then put it behind you, forget it and move on.

Try not to indulge in self-loathing, it's a pointless exrecise that achieves nothing, just keeps you stuck in the guilty obsessions. Divert your attention to plans for the new year or some positive project/achievement.

[Handy]

It’s important to do personal growth.  There are great free relationships counselors on YouTube.  Try Craig Kenneth or Dating Guy, they are on your side.