How to know if you wanted it to happen or not?

[NJ321]

Today at work I needed help from a co-worker so I walked over to where they were & then I went back to my work area but as I was walking back there was some kid with their parent walking in my direction & it felt like I wanted them to do something inappropriate to me. It felt like in that moment I wanted it but than I moved quickly so we wouldn’t be in close walking distance. Did I want something to happen until I didn’t? I just don’t get why the feelings in the moment with one of these things happening feel like something is taking over my mind. Than after I just stress over it bad since I’m never sure or feel like I was close to doing something or wanting something bad to happen. Sometimes in the moment it just feels like I can’t tell whether it’s something I want or not. How do I know if I wanted something to happen of not? 

[evermore]

Hi NJ321,

Something that helps me when I’m struggling to figure out whether I genuinely want something to happen or whether it’s in fact OCD is that I take a step back and think “If I truly wanted this thing to happen, would it be causing me so much pain/anxiety and would I be spending this much time thinking about it?”.

You’ve described how sometimes the feelings in the moment feel like they are taking over your mind, and this is a great way of describing how the compulsions can really blur every sense of who you think you are.

Often I feel like I can’t figure out if I am truly a bad person or if it’s the OCD talking and something that has helped me is to accept neither. I stop trying to put a label on myself and just sit with the feeling without trying to change or participate in it. When I feel a rumination coming on, I recognise it for what it is and try to stop engaging with it. I have never, ever been able to get clarity from my ruminations and it only makes me feel worse. It still feels terrifying to not engage with the thoughts, but I am taking the leap of faith to try to ignore them because I know that it is a pattern as a result of the illness.

Hope this helps in some way, even if it’s just to know that you’re not alone 

[PolarBear]

Same old, same old. This has been going on for years.

Keep doing the same old things and you'll keep getting the same result.

[NJ321]

10 hours ago, evermore said:

Hi NJ321,

Something that helps me when I’m struggling to figure out whether I genuinely want something to happen or whether it’s in fact OCD is that I take a step back and think “If I truly wanted this thing to happen, would it be causing me so much pain/anxiety and would I be spending this much time thinking about it?”.

You’ve described how sometimes the feelings in the moment feel like they are taking over your mind, and this is a great way of describing how the compulsions can really blur every sense of who you think you are.

Often I feel like I can’t figure out if I am truly a bad person or if it’s the OCD talking and something that has helped me is to accept neither. I stop trying to put a label on myself and just sit with the feeling without trying to change or participate in it. When I feel a rumination coming on, I recognise it for what it is and try to stop engaging with it. I have never, ever been able to get clarity from my ruminations and it only makes me feel worse. It still feels terrifying to not engage with the thoughts, but I am taking the leap of faith to try to ignore them because I know that it is a pattern as a result of the illness.

Hope this helps in some way, even if it’s just to know that you’re not alone 

Thanks for the reply. It‘s just so difficult to know whether it feels like I really want it to happen. It’s so annoying dealing with it since I just know my mind can’t help but stress out over whether I wanted it or not. That’s when the ruminating over it starts since I can never tell for sure. 

[NJ321]

7 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Same old, same old. This has been going on for years.

Keep doing the same old things and you'll keep getting the same result.

Why does it feel more real though in certain scenarios compared to others? Some instances I know for sure when it’s OCD but than others there’s this feeling in my mind that I can’t tell since it feels like something takes over my mind where it just feels real. What’s the reason for that?

[PolarBear]

Who knows. Really it's irrelevant.

Look at your track record. How many times has this sort of thing happened? Dozens? Hundreds? Of those, how many times have you actually done something wrong? Zero?

So what does that tell you?

[NJ321]

Doing bad with this. Not sure how to stop ruminating over it. It’s the feeling in my mind during the incident makes me feel like something bad could have happened if I didn’t move out of the way as fast as I did. I knew after it happened it would be bad for my mind.

[NJ321]

Not sure what to do about this thought. I even wake up everyday & first second is me stressing out. How do I stop ruminating about it if I think I actually wanted something to happen? It’s so difficult to let it go. It just felt like due to the feeling in my mind I genuinely wanted something to happen. 

[Cora]

Hi @NJ321, 

I don't really have anything useful to say, which I'm really sorry for, but I wanted you to know that you're not alone in this. I'm currently dealing with a very similar thing, so I can understand your pain. It's terrible! 

Stay strong! I send you hugs 

[Caramoole]

The both of you have to learn that it is possible not to engage in rumination.  Evermore has given a good description above, and I'm pleased to see that she's putting her knowledge into action.

Earlier this year I was in a supermarket and walked past a lady in a wheelchair. I thought "What if I punched her?"  What did I do?  I carried on shopping.  Did I want to?  Dunno, I very much doubt it but I didn't go into it or think about it because I knew it was an intrusive thought.

Please don't let the decades go by following the same behaviours and reactions that are keeping you so anxious & distressed.  You can do something about this

[NJ321]

Thanks for the replies. I was doing pretty decent earlier but now I’m back stressed out again. I keep going from feeling kinda okay to stressed on a repeated cycle. It’s just hard to let go not knowing if I wanted something to happen.

[NJ321]

Not sure why I can’t get past this thought. I’m starting to worry it’s going to be stuck with me for a long time or forever. I just appear to automatically start to get stressed out over it right when I wake up than it’s a rollercoaster throughout the day. 

[NJ321]

I don’t know what to do. I can’t stop this from being stuck in my mind. I feel something could have happened since if I didn’t have to make the turn back to my work area I would have had nowhere to go with the kid walking straight in my direction since there were people on the other side where I couldn’t of moved on that side. I can’t stop stressing about this since I feel something could have happened if I didn’t have to move before we had to cross paths. 

Edited January 9, 2021 by NJ321

[PolarBear]

You keep going over it in your mind, trying to find an answer.  It isn't working. It won't work.

The way out is to stop looking for an answer. You don't have to find an answer.