Ruminating over past decisions

[evermore]

Hi everyone,

Hope you are all doing ok. I’m looking for a bit of support today. I was diagnosed with OCD last year, having suffered with it for most of my life, and I’m currently on medication and having therapy to help.

My OCD usually comes out in the form of ruminating that I have done a crime I can’t remember and feeling as though at any moment the police are going to lock me up. I’m practising how to stop these thoughts by identifying them and recognising that they are OCD ruminations and telling myself that I do not engage with these thoughts and distracting myself. As I’m sure you’ll know, this is very very hard but I’m trusting that this will help control the thoughts.

What I’m struggling with though is going over past life choices, sometimes from years ago, and getting down about how my life could have been had I done something. E.g. today I am consumed as I turned down a job offer a few years ago and I have just found out that the person who ended up taking the job has now been promoted several times and is on a much higher salary. I’m struggling to let go of these choices I made years ago, and I get myself really down when I think about what could have been. I know that had I taken the job things might have not been the same but I still feel sad about it all. It taps into a bigger feeling that I’m doomed, I’ve had a lot of bad luck in my life and I’m so tired of always having to be strong in the face of setbacks. I try to be really positive but it’s hard when it seems like the people around me are getting promoted, getting into relationships and generally having what I see as ‘success’. I know we never really know what goes on in someone’s mind, even if their life looks great, but I can’t stop my mind from beating myself up and thinking about how my life could potentially be different if I had taken a different path.
 

Any thoughts and advice would be much appreciated. 

[malina]

Hi Evermore,

welcome to the forum! Well done for getting treatment and making the effort to challenge and overcome your fears! That is a big thing!

With regards to your decisions. I think one of the worst things you can do to yourself is to allow yourself to stay stuck in the past. While you dwell on the past, you are missing out on the present. Perhaps a year from now, you will look back and regret the time you wasted being unhappy, just as you now regret decisions that you didn't make.

When we make a decision, we never know what the outcome is going to be. Last year, pre-COVID, I was offered the chance to stay on at my job and take on a lead role on a new project. I had some concerns but decided to go with it, but with lockdown and working from home, leading on this project has become a huge challenge, it is really stressful. I thought back to last year, and wished that I had just said no to this. However, if I had said no then, I wouldn't actually have a job right now and I'd probably be kicking myself. There are trade offs with everything. So the person who took the job you were offered has been promoted, maybe it's because they really like the job and were trying really hard. Maybe you would have been less motivated because you didn't really want that job. There are so many possibilities and they are all worthless because we can never know. Rather than wasting time on this, try to make your life into something you want it to be. You already took the step of getting treatment for your OCD, there is nothing holding you back!

[evermore]

Hi @malina

Thank you very much for your kind and thoughtful reply, and for the encouragement. I think you are right, one of the worst things we can do is ruminate on the past because really what’s the point? It will just end up eating you up inside and as you say, it wastes our time in the present.

It’s really interesting to hear about your work situation, I’m sorry to hear that it’s been stressful but it’s so great that you are able to see the positives. I think I am going to do that and make a list of all the positive things I’ve learnt from my current role. We are both lucky to even be in employment right now, and that’s definitely something to hold onto. I’m certain that a lot of these feelings also probably stem from not being able to see our professional development progress as easily when working from home, so it’s also important to acknowledge that we are working in hugely strange times.

I like to think that everything happens for a reason and that we can learn from everything, even the things we don’t like/regret. You’ve inspired me to just focus on the day ahead instead of the past!

Thank you  

[malina]

3 hours ago, evermore said:

You’ve inspired me to just focus on the day ahead instead of the past!

Thank you  

That is so nice! I'm glad it was helpful!!!