Just hard terrible experience

[njb]

I've had ocd 40 years now and last 10 POCD and underage girls have been the obsession. I've been so bad lately and ruminated 8hrs today already. Id gone for a waljmk and felt better and wss doing a jigsaw when i saw a girl in a bikini in the puzzle. I started stressing avout 14yr olds in thongs and hid in the toilet and was trying to see if I could get better about underage girls by imagining having sex with one. I forced myself to think of a sexy bum and enjoying sex etc and then a thought popped in my head of 'we shouldn't be doing this'but like it added to the sexiness and I've freaked out. I have gone over and over and over it and I think it's like a 'we shouldn't be doing this  per se rather than I secretly want to do a 14 yr old and deep down I like the taboo hence the thought in head. I think its like we shouldnt be doing it as in appropriate ages but shouldnt be doing it, that kind of forbidden. When I've replayed this over and over and over I manage to get relief when I concentrate on it being a 14yr old after that thought and I feel like I don't like any of it. Doesn't help that trying to think of something as sexy gets a groin response either. 

I don't normally push boundaries to try to indulge in the exposure bit found myself feeling erotic but confused as had to think hard to override self and try to see self enjoying sex with 14yr old but then doing so but knowing it was more my thinking of attractive things but mixing in 14yr old. I'm so confused and scared right now.

I really think after all these years I've found something new and deep and secretly hidden and now I'm like Epstein and like it. I've not forced myself to indulge like that and I think I've just confused.self by getting aroused but not with the 14yr old but just sex. I don't know. Feel like a pervert. Desperately scared and avoiding own family. And after all that I felt like I needed to relieve self to same sexy thoughts but again, I think the context was not driven by age, just the desire and arousal I'd built into the scenario.

Edited January 5, 2021 by njb

[njb]

2 hours ago, njb said:

I have gone over and over and over it and I think it's like a 'we shouldn't be doing this  per se rather than I secretly want to do a 14 yr old and deep down I like the taboo hence the thought in head.

That's meant to read that I think the thought of shouldn't be doing something was stimulating per se as is appropriate ages and that my fear is deep down I like the taboo of 14 yr old.

[PolarBear]

Walking away from the puzzle, hiding in the bathroom and conjuring up underage sex are all compulsions. That last one was not an exposure because you ruminated like crazy after and it was you testing yourself.

 

[njb]

Hi Polar. Thanks for the reply. I agree. Hope you're well.

[njb]

Hi,

Just hoping someone is there to kick me up back side and perhaps virtual hug.

I'm so very down in it at the moment. I've slipped right back and consuming all manmer of matreial on paedophiles and hebophiles and getting further and further down the path of despair.  I can't get past making self feel it was horny when doing rumination and am so utterly lost.

I know we get confused over feelings and arousal but i left out that i couldnt stand the groin frustration (from that anxiety fuelled butterfly feeling and sickness and aroudal and confusion) and after i had stopped panicking a bit i relieved it (sorry explicit) but to the same sexy train of thought ehich i haf reached by ERP which was just erotic without age and i think just became age appropriate. Im lost and thats become a whole new worry as to whether i enjoyed something about 14yr olds when im not sure if was, think i wasnt but sont know. I know if i think 14yr at outset i go no ta. I do think having spent ages trying to like something chances are when i manage it and then say ok that comcept was attractive i could conjur up same arousal. Im sure if age 14 had bumped in would have crashed. I worry now ad I think ive unleashed some hidden dormant sexual deviance that if i say to hell wuth society i can happily be like Epstein and then some. Feel sick endlessly. Need some love and here's some for you anyway!

Edited January 7, 2021 by njb