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What to do now?


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I'm sorry for being back. I understand if this thread will be closed. 

I don't think anyone wants to believe me when I say that I fantasised about my brother, not even my therapist, not even my boyfriend. Everyone thinks it's coming from my OCD but it was a choice, it really was. 

The memory of what happened will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. And I don't know what to do. 

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36 minutes ago, Cora said:

I'm sorry for being back. I understand if this thread will be closed. 

I don't think anyone wants to believe me when I say that I fantasised about my brother, not even my therapist, not even my boyfriend. Everyone thinks it's coming from my OCD but it was a choice, it really was. 

The memory of what happened will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. And I don't know what to do. 

You've displayed signs of OCD behaviour since at least the beginning of last August (that's when I first started noticing anyway,) and it has steadily warped and gotten worse, as we have all said would happen, including me, at the beginning of last August. You're trying to get us now, people who have been trying to work with you and have seen this progression, and can I just point out that you are still on an OCD forum, to say how you are just a pedophile and there is no help. This is silly to be on here and say over and over that you're a pedophile. If you really believe that, then why are you here?

Edited by hazydaze
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13 minutes ago, Cora said:

I really don't know. 

Gunna try to help yourself?? Collectively, we have probably spent close to a week straight just trying to help you. Maybe more like 2 or 3 weeks. Not gunna lie, it upsets me at this point that you have several threads a week with hundreds of replies sometimes with you saying the same thing over and over, and I go back and there's someone who hasn't had a single reply and it's been days. Time to take this seriously. You have had sooooo much help, arguably more than anyone else on here. If you're not gunna take it seriously, then maybe stop coming here? Like what do you want from us? Sorry to be so harsh.. I admit this is harsh af but I think someone needs to say it. At what point are you going to put in some effort? I would like to see you get better. We all would. But I'm beginning to feel like our attention should be on other people because you won't help yourself. Hope you turn this around for the better. You're obviously welcome here to receive help. But you haven't been. You use us as a reassurance source. Enough of that, yeah? Like I said, hope you turn this around for the better.

Edited by hazydaze
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Cora, it makes me really sad to see how deep you are in this that you don't trust what anyone else is telling you. You don't believe your boyfriend, your therapist or any of us. You don't follow any advice, your response is always to say that you understand, followed immediately by another confession. You had a thread closed only to open a new one an hour later with the same topic. I agree with @hazydaze, we have all put in so much effort and I just don't know how to get through to you. You are trying to involve all of us in aiding your illness, just like Caramoole previously described, what you're asking us is to provide an alcoholic with a shot of whiskey to calm them down. I think that you need to know that you have a responsibility to take care of your own health and this includes your mental health. And right now, you're neglecting this responsibility to yourself, because while you spend all day here trying to convince everyone that you're a pedophile, your grades are slipping, you are being irritable and distant from your brother, and just generally you're damaging your wellbeing. The more you let this go on, the worse things will get. I'm not mad at you Cora, not even frustrated, but I think that you need a big wake up call. You have a mental illness and you are letting it dictate and rule your life, it is your own responsibility to change this.

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1 minute ago, malina said:

Cora, it makes me really sad to see how deep you are in this that you don't trust what anyone else is telling you. You don't believe your boyfriend, your therapist or any of us. You don't follow any advice, your response is always to say that you understand, followed immediately by another confession. You had a thread closed only to open a new one an hour later with the same topic. I agree with @hazydaze, we have all put in so much effort and I just don't know how to get through to you. You are trying to involve all of us in aiding your illness, just like Caramoole previously described, what you're asking us is to provide an alcoholic with a shot of whiskey to calm them down. I think that you need to know that you have a responsibility to take care of your own health and this includes your mental health. And right now, you're neglecting this responsibility to yourself, because while you spend all day here trying to convince everyone that you're a pedophile, your grades are slipping, you are being irritable and distant from your brother, and just generally you're damaging your wellbeing. The more you let this go on, the worse things will get. I'm not mad at you Cora, not even frustrated, but I think that you need a big wake up call. You have a mental illness and you are letting it dictate and rule your life, it is your own responsibility to change this.

Well said. I really like the alcoholic analogy.

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Cora....I think it's about time you took a leap of faith and trusted what everyone around you is saying. Just try it ...whatever your head is telling you chose not to believe it...believe those around you.

 

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1 hour ago, Cora said:

I don't think anyone wants to believe me when I say that I fantasised about my brother, not even my therapist, not even my boyfriend. Everyone thinks it's coming from my OCD but it was a choice, it really was. 

Then perhaps that should tell you something Cora and you need to consider that it's OCD that is making you get this so wrong

Quote

The memory of what happened will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. And I don't know what to do. 

Don't you?  There've been enough explanations as to what you can do but you have to make the choice to do something about it.

I will need to keep a close eye on this thread.  I want it to be available to offer the right sort of support but I won't allow you to self-destruct and use it in the way that has been happening  recently.

When you come to this forum it must be for a purpose.  You must have a reason.  What is it that you're hoping for when you post?   What is it you're looking for people to say?

 

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Cora. You have had some pretty harsh words said to you but in all honesty you needed to hear them, even though I am sure you feel upset. You are not helping yourself despite your very extensive peer support. You have to remember we all suffer from OCD, or did in the past, we know what we are talking about. We have told you how ocd is powerful and gets worse unless you stop engaging...and it has!!. We also told you how it can feel real, like urges, like your own desire. Now we cannot give you anymore information and the ball is in your court. There is no magic wand here. You have to go through the pain barrier and fight the urges, resist ruminating, confession, seeking reassurance and all other compulsions. Compulsions are sustaining your pain. I still struggle myself with this so I do not underestimate how hard it is one little bit, but it is absolutely necessary to recovery. All your confessions differ slightly but are all much of the same. You either believe us all that it's OCD and you fight back with hard work, knowledge and therapy or you believe you are a sexual deviant and live a life of shame and self loathing. There is no third option. I would suggest telling your parents (you do not have to go into detail obviously) just tell them about your OCD, therapy and struggles. This might give you some breathing space at home to recover with a little more understanding by your loved ones around you. The human brain is the most complex thing in the whole universe, so complicated so obviously when things go wrong inside your head it can feel catastrophic. This can be sorted out just believe in what you are being told and in yourself.

 

Edited by MarieJo
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17 hours ago, Symps07 said:

Hi Cora,

I don't feel I can say anything as I am in a mess at the moment too, but I hope you can find the strength to overcome your OCD ?

Symps

Feel for you. Me too. X

Cora - I can't add anything that hasn't been said. 

Edited by njb
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Hi, 

Thank you everyone for the replies and help. Also, I'm really sorry for upsetting you. 

Yesterday I spent most of the day with my brother. We went to the park together, played computer games and made lego together as well. I even let him kiss and hug me, and I kissed and hugged him back. It was terrifying but I managed to survive. 

I'm back here today because I feel awful. Last night I couldn't sleep at all and had a lot of free time to think about stuff and excessively use my phone. At one point of the night, I was on instagram reading a post about how a person survived suicide 14 times. I was curious to read more about it so googled that person's name. Then I found their story, which was very sad - they were sexually abused when they 3. Here is the thing. I soon as I saw that line I consciously and purposly wanted to know how it happened (how they were abused) because I felt very curious and aroused by it. So, in my head, I was hoping to read something graphic or see something inappropriate. And I was okay with that way of thinking for about 5 minutes, before I realised how messed up I am. 

I feel awful because in the past 72 hours I've shown true paedohilic behaviour. (Another example: Any time I think my brother, it feels like I'm fantasising about him). 

I am definitely looking for reassurance but I'm not going to ask for it. Also, I was ready to wait another 24 hours before I posted this so I could calm down and avoid doing so many compulsions, but I just can't wait until tomorrow, it's too much. 

I'm sorry. 

Edited by Cora
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Thank you, @Caramoole

15 hours ago, Cora said:

Then I found their story, which was very sad - they were sexually abused when they 3. Here is the thing. I soon as I saw that line I consciously and purposly wanted to know how it happened (how they were abused) because I felt very curious and aroused by it. So, in my head, I was hoping to read something graphic or see something inappropriate. And I was okay with that way of thinking for about 5 minutes, before I realised how messed up I am.

May I ask how I deal with this? I've tried not to dwell too much on this, but I believe that because I wanted the thought and engaged with it, I can't be excused from moving on. 

Thank you. 

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Hi cora

I can feel and know your pain exactly as most people on here do. 

I have been coming on here on and off for years, I get a spike, I confess it on here hoping somebody will give me the magic understanding answer ,unfortunately it's called reassurance, and as we know that adds a log to the ocd fire. 

I'm sure like me when you first discovered this site it was like you found home, amazed that there are people who understand and don't judge, it's a breath of fresh air but it's a double edged sword,this site is here to gain advice then we as the suffering must pull away from the site and although it feels impossible we must try to apply the advice given. 

The pain will feel terrible and you will be desperate to seek reassurance on here but it just keeps us stuck. 

I myself have been suffering with the last three weeks and all I've wanted to do is rehash on here that which I have shared a thousand times, I've resisted and although the anxiety grew it is getting less. 

Keep strong and chip away at resisting compulsions, please don't waste your life like I have mine by keep making the same mistakes that keep letting the ocd win. 

The good folk on here care but no one will give you a magic cure that we are seeking,it's hard work but we must make it our goal to beat this monster the correct way and use what we learn to quieten its bullying x

 

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9 hours ago, Cora said:

Thank you, @Caramoole

May I ask how I deal with this? I've tried not to dwell too much on this, but I believe that because I wanted the thought and engaged with it, I can't be excused from moving on. 

Thank you. 

Leave it. It hurts like hell resisting compulsions - I know from bitter experience. But have you got a better plan? Do you want to stay trapped forever? It’s harsh but I’m afraid it’s true. I don’t like it either but at some point you have to say enough and suck up the painful medicine.

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6 hours ago, OxCD said:

Leave it. It hurts like hell resisting compulsions - I know from bitter experience. But have you got a better plan? Do you want to stay trapped forever? It’s harsh but I’m afraid it’s true. I don’t like it either but at some point you have to say enough and suck up the painful medicine.

Thank you, @OxCD

I want to leave it alone. I want to stop ruminating but I don't know if I'm allowed to when it's all my fault...

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Hey Cora,

first off...well done for trying to spend more time with your brother. I imagine it must have been super triggering for you, but you need to face these triggers. Also, well done for posting/confessing less.

Just now, Cora said:

I want to leave it alone. I want to stop ruminating but I don't know if I'm allowed to when it's all my fault...

Don't ask us to give you permission, you already know the answer we're going to give you anyway.

Yesterday, I decided to fight a major compulsion of mine. It's killing me, my chest and stomach have been hurting all day. But I know that if I succeed with this one, my life will be a lot easier. So temporary pain for long term gain. So come on, I'll work on my compulsion and you work on yours. You're not alone here!

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7 minutes ago, Cora said:

Thank you, malina. 

I'm sorry that things aren't easy for you either but I hope you stay strong. 

 

Thanks Cora! But hey we both have to stay strong and things will get easier!

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