What to do now?

[Bodge]

Keep going Cora.... ignoring the thoughts and resisting compulsions one day at a time...you've got this xxx 

 

 

 

 

 

[Cora]

Thank you so much, @malina, @OxCD, @Caramoole and @Bodge. 

[Cora]

I'm really sorry. I've been trying to move on from this, to ignore it and to accept it as OCD but something doesn't add up.  

(This is taken from my previous thread)

"As we've talked before, you know that I've been distant and cold to my brother because he is my main trigger. Okay. So today I decided to sit down in an attempt to figure out how to stop avoiding my brother. As soon as I started thinking of it, I realised that the reason why I don't want to spend time with my brother is because I don't want to act on my urges. And then I started fantasising. I started picturing me acting on my urges. Everything was graphic. I actually fantasised about having sex with my brother. I want you to understand that it wasn't intrusive. It was a choice to fantasise. It even felt enjoyable. 

Then I received a message on my phone, checked my phone but wasn't interested in that because I felt that I would rather continue to fantasise." 

I'm not trying to be rude but the above written is the description of a paedophile. I don't want to be one, and I hope I'm not one, but what happened is very serious. It makes me sick knowing that I thought of such things, but that doesn't change the fact that I did it.   

Please, help me understand what to do with this! 

Thank you, and I'm sorry again! 

Edited January 9, 2021 by Cora

[PolarBear]

You do with this what you do with all the others. Good night.

[Cora]

7 hours ago, PolarBear said:

You do with this what you do with all the others. Good night.

But isn't this time different? 

[Caramoole]

Cora, we are not going to answer these type of questions.  The information has been given in so many ways, now it's up to you to start to use it.  Only you can do that.

[malina]

Cora, what is the point of asking the same people the exact same question over and over again, especially if you aren't actually going to listen to their responses?

Besides, you're smart and you already know what the answer will be. So put it to use!

[Cora]

Thank you, @Caramoole and @malina. 

[Cora]

Hi,

I'm really sorry to be back, but I've noticed that my thoughts about pets/animals are getting worse and worse. They are all of sexual nature and I can't understand how I feel about them. I can't understand whether I like them or hate them. I feel very disgusting and ashamed. 

 

[MarieJo]

All OCD rubbish. Implement technique of resisting compulsions. Do not ruminate, it's not worth your energy. Same disorder, different day, different obsession but all one pf the same. All junk. Ignore

[Cora]

3 hours ago, MarieJo said:

All OCD rubbish. Implement technique of resisting compulsions. Do not ruminate, it's not worth your energy. Same disorder, different day, different obsession but all one pf the same. All junk. Ignore

Thank you, @MarieJo. 

[Cora]

I'm sorry. I feel very bad to be here again for the same old reasons. I feel very low and confused today. There's this feeling that I can't understand. I've experienced it before but today it's stronger. It feels like I'm truly enjoying any sexual thought I have. Yesterday I had so many disgusting thoughts about my brother and even though I didn't act on them, I truly felt like I wanted to. Today I had terrible thoughts about my boyfriend's dog and, once again, I felt like I really wanted to do something about it. I feel so rotten and evil inside and I can't stop it. I'm trying my best to ignore it but I don't have any energy left, especially when it feels like I'm enjoying all of this. 

I feel lost and can't stand myself anymore. 

Once again, I'm sorry to be here again. I really felt like I needed to talk to someone who understands me. 

Edited January 13, 2021 by Cora

[malina]

Hey Cora,

it's okay to have bad days and to want to talk to people who get it, and we all really do. Be gentle with yourself and try to get some rest, you may feel more positive tomorrow. Keep your head up and don't despair.

You also have to understand that you have been living with these thoughts and feelings for so long now, you may struggle to ignore them but that is what you have to do.

Has your therapist talked to you about any ways to help fight compulsions?

[Cora]

Thank you, @malina.

The problem I have now is that I'm convinced I abused my brother and my boyfriend's dog. I can't remember if I touched them while having those thoughts. But I remember feeling like I was enjoying them (the thoughts). I don't know... I feel awful. 

59 minutes ago, malina said:

Has your therapist talked to you about any ways to help fight compulsions?

Not really. Our last session was about making a safety plan because I was feeling very bad. 

[Cora]

This hurts so much. I forgot to say that I felt aroused by the thought of harming the dog. But it was like true arousal. I can't express in words how terrible I feel. I really don't know how not to pay attention to the arousal and the feeling of wanting to do something bad. 

[OxCD]

35 minutes ago, Cora said:

This hurts so much. I forgot to say that I felt aroused by the thought of harming the dog. But it was like true arousal. I can't express in words how terrible I feel. I really don't know how not to pay attention to the arousal and the feeling of wanting to do something bad. 

You have to be strong. Say “f£ck off” in your head. Sometimes I have to get a bit cross inside to resist the OCD bully. Are you seriously going to let this thing rule your life? What have you got to lose? Ignoring it does hurt like hell - but try it. It can’t be any worse than the torture you put yourself through and it might just work. Go on - be crazy - jump into the unknown. Or you could endlessly confess on here and make your life even more miserable.

PS. Sorry for being harsh but we want you to get better and you really don’t listen to much else.

Edited January 13, 2021 by OxCD

[malina]

Your therapist sounds like she is doing a good job and it's understandable that she would want to come up with a safety plan. I think though that you really need to bring up this issue of feeling like these thoughts are wanted, like you find them enjoyable and desirable. This seems to be a real sticking point that is preventing you from moving forward and it's something you need to address in your sessions soon I think.

[Cora]

Thank you, @malina and @OxCD. 

I'm dealing with something very bad and can't seem to move on. So about 2 days ago I said that I had a sexual thought about my boyfriend's dog. I remember stroking him afterwards but I can't remember the exact reason for that. Did I touch him because of the thought or was it just a normal stroke? I feel like I've abused him. I feel awful and can't believe that now I have to deal with these things as well. 

[Cora]

16 hours ago, malina said:

Your therapist sounds like she is doing a good job and it's understandable that she would want to come up with a safety plan. I think though that you really need to bring up this issue of feeling like these thoughts are wanted, like you find them enjoyable and desirable. This seems to be a real sticking point that is preventing you from moving forward and it's something you need to address in your sessions soon I think.

I did bring it up. But she said it was all OCD and we didn't talk too much about it. I will bring it up again however as it seems to be something I really struggle with. 

[OxCD]

8 hours ago, Cora said:

Thank you, @malina and @OxCD. 

I'm dealing with something very bad and can't seem to move on. So about 2 days ago I said that I had a sexual thought about my boyfriend's dog. I remember stroking him afterwards but I can't remember the exact reason for that. Did I touch him because of the thought or was it just a normal stroke? I feel like I've abused him. I feel awful and can't believe that now I have to deal with these things as well. 

You can move on. You’re choosing not to as you want certainty you will not achieve and therefore hurting yourself. Choose to move on.

[malina]

8 hours ago, Cora said:

I did bring it up. But she said it was all OCD and we didn't talk too much about it. I will bring it up again however as it seems to be something I really struggle with. 

Well she is right, it is all OCD. However, I would say that this feeling of enjoyment and these little incidents that you describe (like the one above with the dog) are keeping you stuck. You keep coming back to these issues and don't yet have a grasp of how to move on. The therapist has to help you figure this out and help you restructure how you respond to these issues. So definitely talk to her about this next time.

[Cora]

Thank you, @OxCD and @malina.

11 hours ago, OxCD said:

Choose to move on.

Yes, I want to do this! But whenever I let myself to at least try to move on I get the question: "What if you did abuse him?" And it's terrible, especially because the question comes with a (side) statement saying I'm evil and deserve to die for being such a pain to both humans and animals. And I sink even deeper. 

11 hours ago, malina said:

So definitely talk to her about this next time.

I talked to her today and I'll have to wait a bit before I see her again. I'm still in a very anxious state which isn't helpful if I want to properly engage with therapy. I've increased my meds so I'm waiting for it to kick in. Hopefully it won't be too long until I calm down a bit. 

[malina]

22 hours ago, Cora said:

I talked to her today and I'll have to wait a bit before I see her again. I'm still in a very anxious state which isn't helpful if I want to properly engage with therapy. I've increased my meds so I'm waiting for it to kick in. Hopefully it won't be too long until I calm down a bit. 

I hope you are feeling okay Cora. It's a good thing that they decided to increase your meds, I hope this will help. Keep in mind, though, that you don't need to wait to "calm down" to engage in therapy. The therapy is there to help you get to a better place, whatever it is that you are doing with your therapist, you have to engage with it now. How often do you see her?