I need to stop. Please someone help me

[Chels]

Just a quick bit of background Iv had OCD since young I’m now late 20’s I never got any treatment for it since I was approximately 21 I didn’t know what I had was OCD. I had intrusive thoughts throughout School mostly sexual or nasty about other people’s looks. I had to confess them all. I had CBT twice the second time round was a lot more useful than the first and the last CBT was a few years ago (maybe 2-3). My OCD these days spikes when im in a relationship, I have made mistakes I am not proud of when young mostly sexual encounters I regret. This really gets me down and it’s something that I hate myself for. It’s something that is always in my head. This is something i confess to partners. I also have had ROCD where I convince myself I don’t love my partner/am not attracted to them/compare them to others/intrusive thoughts about others during sex etc etc. All of these I MUST confess. Don’t get me wrong since my first relationship I am A LOT better at not confessing. I have ruined relationships because of my OCD and confessing. They end up hating me. 
 

now I’m in an ‘adult’ relationship and I have never been so content. I am genuinely so happy. I lost a parent at 21 and since then have struggled but since started university which I am really enjoying and found this man who honestly I can’t fault him. It started well I kept it all from him (I did tell him I had OCD and gave him a little background) now bit by bit over this last year I have managed to tell him A LOT of my past sexual history, things he shouldn’t know, because I got intrusive thoughts and confessed. He told me time and time again STOP telling me. It’s at the point now, I think he is resenting me. I’m making him angry, I don’t want to do that I love the man. Apparently he says I’m not showing him much affection and I’m picking out his flaws, I feel awful he’s beautiful I love him so much and this is from the HEART. I want to marry and have my first child with him. I never wanted to make him feel this way or for this to happen. He’s taken a few days to think, which I understand but I am heartbroken. I’m annoyed with myself. Am I destined to be alone? He thinks this is a cycle that will never stop, and I can’t say it will or won’t. But I am desperate for it to stop someone please help me, I don’t want to lose the only thing that’s ever went right in my life...

[hazydaze]

Hey girl! Aweee I definitely hear you. You feel like you MUST confess.. that maybe if you didn't, you're living a lie and some piece of info could change the relationship so you feel you owe it to him to have all the info out there. But this is a TOTAL evil OCD trick. The irony is that in reality, you don't need to be confessing any of these pieces of info. Let it go. I've done some pretty shameful sexual **** during my alcoholic days. Unsafe sex and if I had gotten pregnant that one month it could have been from 5 different dudes. But it is what it is! That was in the past. I don't act like that anymore. I also never told my current partner about that, who I also want to marry  I hear you about being in love for the first time and the first really good relationship. By confessing these pieces of info as I was saying, the irony is you aren't helping anything but hurting it. All these confessions that hold no weight in reality are creating a problem only by the process of them being confessed. He doesn't need any of that info. I know it's extremely difficult, but give yourself permission to move on from your past. The past is the past. We can't change it. Look forward to the future  it sounds like this could be a beautiful future with this man. You aren't doing anything wrong by not confessing.

Best wishes!

 

PS - Our disorder can be very difficult on our loved ones. You can't make a promise that you will never confess again, but you can make a promise and a commitment to try extremely, extremely hard to stop this behaviour. He also needs to practice patience if and when you relapse. Our recovery is a journey!

Edited January 5, 2021 by hazydaze