I'm scared that I acted on an intrusive thought

[Emily98]

Hi, ok so I'm new on this forum but have suffered for years, the last few weeks have been more difficult than usual though for some reason and I'm at a dead end where I'm starting to not see a way out. A bit of background, I've struggled with multiple subtypes of OCD but I have this one recurring obsession that I've had for around 5 years, that lots of my other obsession stem from, that I'm actually a horrible, sick, evil person and I'm constantly lying to myself to convince myself I'm a good person. 

So the specific thing that's eating me up, I have this lovely little kitten, he's six months old and I completely adore him (except the times when my OCD tries to convince me I'm incapable of love and don't treat him properly and so I should rehome him). He's so loving and sweet and a lot of the time he really helps me with my anxiety. But increasingly often recently I've been having horrible intrusive thoughts about hurting him, there's no need to go into detail I'm sure you can imagine what the contents are like. Most of the time, after a while of ritualistic thinking and checking my memories in case I ever actually hurt him and forgot about it, I can move past that specific thought and find something else to obsess and agonise over (lol). But two nights ago, I was just sat in bed absentmindedly stroking him and he had fallen asleep on my lap, and I was just playing with his little leg, again not really thinking about it, and if you can picture it I had sort of his 'bicep' on his front leg between my fingers, and I gently squeezed his muscle because, I don't know, it felt nice (not in like a gross way, just aesthetically), I really wasn't paying much attention, then I suddenly had an intrusive thought "squeeze his leg harder and crush it". Now normally, if a thought like this occurs, I stop whatever I'm doing immediately and take myself away from him and cue the compulsions to 'neutralise' the thought. However, this time, I really don't know why but I thought to myself "fine, maybe I am this evil animal abuser, why don't I just prove it and hurt my kitten then I can stop trying to lie to myself that I'm a good person and just kill myself". And so I increased my grip a little on my kitten's leg for a few seconds, then stopped in utter disgust at myself. Now, my kitten didn't wake up or stir at all, and has been as friendly and loving as ever since, which makes me think I mustn't have hurt him, I don't think I squeezed him that tightly or anything but the fact is, an intrusive thought told me to squeeze my kitten's leg and I did, it almost seems irrelevant to me whether it actually caused him pain or not because I did it. If he'd cried in pain or anything I would have rehomed him and, quite frankly, killed myself then and there because I could never live with myself as a person who inflicts pain upon innocent animals. In my opinion that is one of the most depraved things a person can do! So why did I let myself squeeze his leg as if to hurt him! I feel so sick and I don't know what to do. I need someone to tell me if I should rehome my kitten, it would break my heart but I love him unconditionally so if I'm a threat to him then I must let him go. 

I have no perspective anymore, I've spent so many hours obsessing over this and replaying it in my head trying to determine if I hurt him that I can't look at it objectively at all, I just feel sick. I'm not afraid that I will hurt my kitten in the future, I'm just afraid that I've already done the damage, I just don't know why I did that, maybe I was trying to prove that I couldn't hurt him as I did stop before I was holding his leg tight enough to hurt him (at least as far as I know, but I don't know maybe he was too fast asleep to feel it!!) and I know I felt incapable of squeezing him any tighter because that would definitely start to hurt him and I never wanted to do that, I never want to hurt him, I love him!! But then why did I act on the intrusive thought at all? And what if I did hurt him and he just didn't know because he was sleeping? God I feel horrible just typing these words, please can someone help, either tell me I'm messed up and my kitten needs a new home or that what I did wasn't as bad as I think, I just can't see it objectively at all anymore and I need someone else's thoughts. Please, I'm sorry this has been so long. Thank you for reading if you got this far.

[felix4]

Hi Emily,

Your post is screaming out for "reassurance"! 

It is just OCD doing it's thing! ie, making a very good person thinking they are very bad! 

Well done on finding on finding a good cat! It is a gamble, & I have had 3 over the years, 1 as an equal, 1 as an aggressive feral, & 1 Siamese that was soooo affectionate! (I loved all 3, regardless!)    

[Caramoole]

Hi Emily, Felix is quite right.  You've had a horrible intrusion, it's caused you distress and now you're desperate for some reassurance.......all very typical in OCD

I note you say you've had OCD for years.  Have you had any professional help at all?

it would be so easy to offer reassurance and tell you how you'd never hurt your pet but apart from in the short term, this wouldn't help.  Let's try and focus on the compulsions and thinking that are making this so distressing.

to the forum btw

[Emily98]

17 minutes ago, felix4 said:

Hi Emily,

Your post is screaming out for "reassurance"! 

It is just OCD doing it's thing! ie, making a very good person thinking they are very bad! 

Well done on finding on finding a good cat! It is a gamble, & I have had 3 over the years, 1 as an equal, 1 as an aggressive feral, & 1 Siamese that was soooo affectionate! (I loved all 3, regardless!)    

Thank you for your response, I really appreciate your kindness. Deep down I knew when I posted that seeking reassurance was just another part of the compulsion. But it's just a different situation to what I'm used to and because they always say that OCD sufferers NEVER act on their intrusive thoughts, I started to worry that I'd really gone too far this time and I'd done something bad. And of course (a big) part of me is still worrying about this. 

I'm so lucky to have found my kitty, I got him from a hoarding situation where he was skinny, flea-ridden and neglected with an infection. I expected him to have some psychological issues but he's been nothing but loving, outgoing, and cheeky since I've had him! He's really the perfect cat. But of course loving something so much means my OCD sees him as a flashing neon target to make me doubt myself. It's so cruel.

[Caramoole]

5 minutes ago, Emily98 said:

But of course loving something so much means my OCD sees him as a flashing neon target to make me doubt myself. It's so cruel.

It is cruel......but you've hit the nail on the head there and know deep down this is OCD but struggle when it strikes you hard and is about something that is precious to you.

Understanding compulsions and the damage they do, then working to eradicate them is a good goal to have.  What do you call your kitten?  What type is he?

[Emily98]

20 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Hi Emily, Felix is quite right.  You've had a horrible intrusion, it's caused you distress and now you're desperate for some reassurance.......all very typical in OCD

I note you say you've had OCD for years.  Have you had any professional help at all?

it would be so easy to offer reassurance and tell you how you'd never hurt your pet but apart from in the short term, this wouldn't help.  Let's try and focus on the compulsions and thinking that are making this so distressing.

to the forum btw

Hi, thank you for the welcome and the response. Yes, I've had it since childhood but didn't get a diagnosis until my mid teens. I had a bit of a breakdown at 17 and had CBT for a while but honestly, it didn't really help me. I felt that my therapist only knew how to treat the "classic" OCD and physical compulsions, he didn't really give me any tools to deal with mental compulsions and rumination. I've been medicated for depression and anxiety since then (I'm now 22) but haven't had any further therapy/counselling, mainly due to going to university and the fact that my symptoms seem to come in episodes that will last anything from a few days to a couple of months, then I'll come out of it and feel like I'm coping, so I don't say anything to my doctor. I know this isn't the way forward as even in the periods of 'coping', I can't remember a single day in the past 5 years when I haven't carried out at least one compulsion. I did a year abroad last year and struggled quite a bit with mental health so vowed to see a doctor when I got home, but now with covid and everything I feel like I shouldn't be taking up NHS time when there's so much pressure on them already. I've kept saying "once the pandemic is over, I'll go" but it's dragged out longer than anyone expected! I do really want help and I can recognise I'm starting to slip more and more but I just have so much anxiety around going to the doctor- I don't even know how it works at the moment! Is it an online appointment? I feel like I'll just be put on a huge waiting list...

[Emily98]

7 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

What do you call your kitten?  What type is he?

His name is Thaddeus. He's a little ginger short-haired boy

[evermore]

Hi Emily,

Hope you’re doing ok and thank you for sharing your story. Just thought I’d jump in as I’ve recently moved to a new place and had to get into the local mental health system for my OCD via my GP.

For me I just had a telephone appointment with my new GP and explained what had been going on for me. I have been quite unwell so I was referred straight to a secondary mental health team and I got assessed within a week via telephone. Like you, I have been on various meds for anxiety/depression and OCD and the secondary team were able to advise my GP on some more specialist medication options to target the OCD. I’m now waiting for an additional psychiatric appointment, which I assume will also be online/via Zoom.

Just thought I’d offer my experience as like you I was worried I would be put on a huge waiting list (I’ve had this in the past to get treatment for depression and it was a 6 month wait) but it seems that if the GP thinks you need some help pretty fast they will escalate things so that you’re seen quickly. Of course I can only speak for the team in my local area but I hope this provides some reassurance in a small way. 

Also, I found an OCD therapist privately via https://www.bacp.co.uk. Because of the pandemic, it means that the majority of therapists are doing appointments via Zoom which means that location isn’t an issue and there’s a much wider range of therapists that you could work with. I found that prices ranged hugely because of this and I found some options that were cheaper than I expected. Also perhaps you could find someone who would be happy to see you on an ad-hoc basis when you need a bit more support, given that sometimes you can cope ok for a while. Lots of options on that bacp website. So this could be something to consider if the waiting times for therapy in your area are very long.

Hope this helps, wishing you all the very best x 

Edited January 6, 2021 by evermore

[njb]

16 hours ago, Emily98 said:

myself "fine, maybe I am this evil animal abuser, why don't I just prove it and hurt my kitten then I can stop trying to lie to myself that I'm a good person and just kill myself".

Been there. It's all ocd Emily. All of it. You're in the zone. You were in the zone. I did this ruminating only other day, worked out worst thing is done in years, different theme same results. Gotta distract and move on. 

[Saudade]

I've struggled with pocd and the rest for a while but while having a few drinks last week my intrusive thought was hurting my dog. Pulling his hair while stroking. I moved away from him but today the feeling is starting up again and I'm starting to stay away from him.

I feel abnormal because I don't have compulsion to do rituals. In fact my compulsion is the ocd telling me to do the actual act I'm afraid of. Only then will that restlessness and anxiety end. If the compulsion to hurt is fulfilled. Help please!

 

I'm trying to keep positive because I somehow have survived pocd and other stuff tborugh medication and finding others like me. Actually finding out there is a name for my condition. I just want this dog harm ocd to go away ASAP!

[Caramoole]

44 minutes ago, Saudade said:

I feel abnormal because I don't have compulsion to do rituals

I think you perhaps haven't recognised what exactly a compulsion is.  Virtually everyone does carry out a compulsion. Avoidance, staying away from your dog being one of them.  Often there are other things that you say to yourself in your mind like "I love my dog, I'd never hurt him".  Researching and looking for articles on the internet to find others with similar problems is another.  Perhaps you seek reassurance from a partner or parent.  You probably spend many hours thinking about this, going over it in your mind, another compulsion called rumination.

It would really help to try and identify these things that you do when you have this intrusive thought and get a flash of anxiety.  What do you do to try and stop the anxiety and make yourself feel better?  

[Saudade]

Yeh i stay away from him alongside constant rumination and worry with what if scenarios.

Edited January 6, 2021 by Saudade

[Caramoole]

Those are some of your compulsions.  I bet there are many others that you haven't yet recognised.  It would help to have a think.

Compulsions sustain OCD and the key to improvement is to identify them, understand them and then work out a plan to reduce and stop them.  Do you think you're ready to have a go at this?

[Saudade]

But the dark part? Please tell me others go through it. The physically discomfort in your tummy. Awareness of hands that could actually do harm. The only way the anxiety goes away is the self fulfilling prophecy. You HAVE to do the the intrusive thought you're afraid off only then it will be OK. Not a compulsion to avoid but compulsion to actually do then very thing (pull the hair etc)

Like telling someone don't put your hand in the fire and it makes them do it more and then there's the relief that it's done but you've burnt yourself or hurt a person or dog. 

 

[Caramoole]

Hi Saudade

 The first thing I have to point out is that asking people to give you reassurance, to give you certainty is one of the biggest and most common compulsions that there us and something, that on this forum, we won't normally do.  However, we do relax that a little bit with new users and consider it as an explanation whilst people learn just how the condition works.

The fears that you have are extremely common amongst sufferers.  As you can see  Emily (who started the thread) has an almost identical story.  It might be about pets, about someone's child, an elderly relative, anyone/ thing particularly if they're vulnerable.  Thousands  go through it.  On this forum alone there are hundreds of examples.  I myself used to have all sorts of intrusive thoughts about my dogs and cats.

You never HAVE to do an intrusive thought and the truth is you haven't.  You did what was probably testing to check.  Neither of you actually hurt your pets I doubt, it's just that your distorted view through fear now recalls a harmless "testing" action as something inflated far beyond the reality.  You could not hurt your dog if you tried.....it's for that very reason that it terrifies you in case you did.  As for the fire example.....I've never yet heard of anybody sticking their hand in a fire because they were told not to!

OCD can be overcome.  It firstly needs a commitment to learn about the condition.  It then needs trust, trust in those who advise what can be done to change from the Hell you live in.  It then needs a willingness and a lot of courage to start and make the changes that you need to.  I know it's scary, I know it feels real.....the fears are just that...fears, they are not a real danger.  You are suffering from an anxiety condition

[njb]

3 hours ago, Saudade said:

But the dark part? Please tell me others go through it. The physically discomfort in your tummy. Awareness of hands that could actually do harm. The only way the anxiety goes away is the self fulfilling prophecy. You HAVE to do the the intrusive thought you're afraid off only then it will be OK. Not a compulsion to avoid but compulsion to actually do then very thing (pull the hair etc)

Like telling someone don't put your hand in the fire and it makes them do it more and then there's the relief that it's done but you've burnt yourself or hurt a person or dog. 

 

It's not dog ocd. It's ocd. Could be about the tv or a plant or a shoe. It's one thing we all have just different themes. This theme about your dog is against your moral compass so ocd taunts you with it. Whatever angle you worry about it's all same seed with little branches and twigs and you're trying to answer every little bit. We all do it. I do it. Any emotion, it will be your ocd. Its really tough as you know. People on here will advise you better the  my words but keep going. 

[Saudade]

Thank you caramoole. The fire thing came from a Jeff bridges interview a few years ago lol.

The gist basically is doing like a child doing/touching something they're not meant to. You tell someone don't look back and their reflex is to look back. They can't resist it.

 

[Caramoole]

But you can resist it......and you're not a child!  OCD sufferers don't act on intrusive thoughts or urges.  You may carry out little tests....but that is very different

[Emily98]

Thank you so much everyone for your replies. You are all such kind people. Today has still been difficult as I've tried to grapple with the compulsions but having your support and hearing from someone other than myself that it's OCD behind all of this has helped. I am now more mindful of 'testing' being a compulsion I use and it's helped a little to recognise that. I've taken extenuating circumstances on some imminent uni deadlines so that the pressure of my 'outside of my head' life is lifted slightly while I recover from this little episode. Never thought I'd say it but that is one plus side of the pandemic, that the university is being a lot more considerate of students' mental health and allowing deadline extensions without the usual long and slightly humiliating process of getting a doctor's note to prove I'm not making my illness up!

Sending everyone a virtual hug/high five/smile/'you got this'/whatever your favourite type of encouragement is.

[Emily98]

7 hours ago, Saudade said:

But the dark part? Please tell me others go through it. The physically discomfort in your tummy. Awareness of hands that could actually do harm. The only way the anxiety goes away is the self fulfilling prophecy. You HAVE to do the the intrusive thought you're afraid off only then it will be OK. Not a compulsion to avoid but compulsion to actually do then very thing (pull the hair etc)

Like telling someone don't put your hand in the fire and it makes them do it more and then there's the relief that it's done but you've burnt yourself or hurt a person or dog. 

 

Yes, I go through this too. Try to think of it this way, intrusive thoughts are like a horrible, decayed, but always growing tree. Every branch can sprout any number of new branches which can each sprout just as many more. And they are like a hydra, if you manage to cut off one branch (through doing compulsions, whether it be avoidance, rumination, reassurance seeking, or anything else), three more will sprout in its place. The first branch of your particular obsession was the first intrusive thought that invaded your head randomly about harming your dog. You probably responded to this by carrying out compulsions you didn't even realise were compulsions, like telling yourself you would never harm your dog, that you love them. But the tree is also intelligent, it learns, the new branches it sprouts aren't random, they're designed to fill any tiny gap they can find in the logic of your compulsions. So the next intrusive thought might tell you that you actually really want to harm your dog. You respond with more compulsions, and more branches are sprouted, going down every hypothetical chain of logic possible. Eventually one of these branches (which remember, is still an intrusive thought, the obsession part of the illness) tells you that the only way to relieve your obsessions is to carry them out. It tells you that you'll be relieved, tries to convince you that it's a compulsion not an obsession. Intrusive thoughts can be so powerful, and sometimes they may even try to convince you that you not only think something, but that you feel it too. You think you feel like you want to carry out your intrusive thought, but I promise that's just part of the horrible tree of obsessions' lies! How does it make you feel, thinking that you are compelled to hurt your pet? Horror, disgust? That's your real brain, the part that isn't influenced by the OCD, and that proves that you neither want to, nor will hurt your beloved dog! Maybe that will in turn spawn another intrusive thought, trying to convince you that the thought of harming your dog makes you feel pleasure. But if you truly did want to, you wouldn't be anxious, you wouldn't be posting here. You'd just do it and enjoy it. But I bet the very thought that you would actually enjoy it will still make you feel disgusted and anxious, and again, THAT is your real brain, your non-OCD thoughts. If any of us actually wanted to, or were going to act on our thoughts, we wouldn't be worrying and we certainly wouldn't be posting here. The way to stop the tree growing is to stop 'watering' it by carrying out compulsions. It's the only way. I know it's ironic that I'm literally experiencing the same fears, and I'm far from stopping all my compulsions, but it's easier to see the truth when it's somebody else. I promise your thoughts and feelings are just OCD, nothing else. You're a good person suffering a horridly cruel illness. Sending love x

[njb]

Your last post is spot on. It's an intelligent morphing thing. Tending to a seed so one gets branches with twigs and little twigs. It's like a mirror on mirror. You may be lucky enough to ruminate and nip it before it takes too long but you know most times it'll get you just when you think you've got that ok feeling to face life again. 

It's so tiring but compelling. Distract!!!!

[Caramoole]

8 hours ago, Emily98 said:

Yes, I go through this too. Try to think of it this way, intrusive thoughts are like a horrible, decayed, but always growing tree. Every branch can sprout any number of new branches which can each sprout just as many more. And they are like a hydra, if you manage to cut off one branch (through doing compulsions, whether it be avoidance, rumination, reassurance seeking, or anything else), three more will sprout in its place. The first branch of your particular obsession was the first intrusive thought that invaded your head randomly about harming your dog. You probably responded to this by carrying out compulsions you didn't even realise were compulsions, like telling yourself you would never harm your dog, that you love them. But the tree is also intelligent, it learns, the new branches it sprouts aren't random, they're designed to fill any tiny gap they can find in the logic of your compulsions. So the next intrusive thought might tell you that you actually really want to harm your dog. You respond with more compulsions, and more branches are sprouted, going down every hypothetical chain of logic possible. Eventually one of these branches (which remember, is still an intrusive thought, the obsession part of the illness) tells you that the only way to relieve your obsessions is to carry them out. It tells you that you'll be relieved, tries to convince you that it's a compulsion not an obsession. Intrusive thoughts can be so powerful, and sometimes they may even try to convince you that you not only think something, but that you feel it too. You think you feel like you want to carry out your intrusive thought, but I promise that's just part of the horrible tree of obsessions' lies! How does it make you feel, thinking that you are compelled to hurt your pet? Horror, disgust? That's your real brain, the part that isn't influenced by the OCD, and that proves that you neither want to, nor will hurt your beloved dog! Maybe that will in turn spawn another intrusive thought, trying to convince you that the thought of harming your dog makes you feel pleasure. But if you truly did want to, you wouldn't be anxious, you wouldn't be posting here. You'd just do it and enjoy it. But I bet the very thought that you would actually enjoy it will still make you feel disgusted and anxious, and again, THAT is your real brain, your non-OCD thoughts. If any of us actually wanted to, or were going to act on our thoughts, we wouldn't be worrying and we certainly wouldn't be posting here. The way to stop the tree growing is to stop 'watering' it by carrying out compulsions. It's the only way. I know it's ironic that I'm literally experiencing the same fears, and I'm far from stopping all my compulsions, but it's easier to see the truth when it's somebody else. I promise your thoughts and feelings are just OCD, nothing else. You're a good person suffering a horridly cruel illness. Sending love x

   You got it!

[MarieJo]

All great advice. What has become so evident to me since joining this forum is that everyone is so understanding, logical and empathetic with others that are suffering. We all see it for the OCD it is and offer our support. However, it is so hard to be as kind, accepting, understanding and logical with ourselves. Isn't that ironic and sad? I wonder if a part of OCD is us having a low opinion of ourselves?

Edited January 7, 2021 by MarieJo

[njb]

2 hours ago, MarieJo said:

All great advice. What has become so evident to me since joining this forum is that everyone is so understanding, logical and empathetic with others that are suffering. We all see it for the OCD it is and offer our support. However, it is so hard to be as kind, accepting, understanding and logical with ourselves. Isn't that ironic and sad? I wonder if a part of OCD is us having a low opinion of ourselves?

I think we see ourselves in others posts but are floating above trying to show the way out of the maze is in their hands but because its them they are helpless. Perhaps it is compassion, a human will try to avoid harm if confronted by an assailant whereas if with someone will defend them without concern for self. We identify with the articulation  of the sufferer and that they equally identify with us and we all have the paradox that we are unable to help self. My heart lifts at a post when I relate and I also cry with tears of sadness when I read someone who is just like me. I don't cry at much but here I do i  nice and bad ways in equal measure. I do know that I absolutely admire fellow sufferers if they walk our walk. Hugs...

Edited January 7, 2021 by njb

[Caramoole]

1 minute ago, njb said:

We all have the paradox that we are unable to help self

I'd just take you up on this point.  It may be difficult but we are all able to help ourselves